Month: December 2006

A student showed up to my final exam wearing a Genesis t-shirt, and he was wearing it non-ironically.
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The man really likes Genesis.

This floored me for several reasons. First, Genesis may be the worst band in the history of our species. It sounds like synth-pop sung by eunuchs. Second, I cannot recall having met someone who honestly liked Genesis with no irony or winking in at least 15 years. I am fairly certain that when I was in grade school, someone probably expressed a fondness for them.
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But that was long ago. Lastly, and most importantly, of the people remaining on Earth who like Genesis I was all but certain than none were under 40 as of 2006. The student in question appeared to be about 20.

This is all deeply troubling.

I didn't dare ask how much he liked Rush, mostly because I feared the answer that I knew would follow. How does a young person in this day and age, with a world of music at the end of his DSL connection, go so horribly astray?
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Perhaps I should call a social worker and report this young man as a victim of childhood musical abuse. Whichever parent exposed him to this stuff should be reprimanded harshly.

Dear humanity,

I am happy to report that I smote General Pinochet's blackened soul today at the age of 91. I sincerely apologize for not getting around to this 45 years ago. Similar lapses in judgment will not happen in the future.

Regards,
Your Lord

Seriously, if you want to begin to grasp why US foreign policy is so fucked up and why everyone seems to hate us, sit back for a minute and realize that we not only engineered the coup to put this cocksucker in office but we were subsequently his biggest ally. We spent the entire Cold War failing to see the distinction between Democracy and Anti-Communism, preaching the former but always settling for the latter.

To paraphrase Paul Westerberg, if this isn't the worst thing I've ever seen than I guess it's the best.

The Boston Globe has a neat little piece about soldiers' reactions to the "Iraq Study Group" recommendations. Of course, it doesn't bear repeating that the group's recommendations are A) pitifully watered down and B) almost certain to be used as toilet paper in the White House. I can't call him out by name because he happens to be affiliated with my University, but let's just say I'd really like to put my foot in the ass of the "Democratic" co-chair of the ISG panel. He's one of those Lieberman/Zell Miller douchebags who is used to christen projects like this with the window-dressing illusion of bipartisanship.

I find this quote particularly cute:

"In Iraq, we try to win the hearts and minds of population," said Dow, 32, of Chicago. "They want Americans out of here. They blame us for all their problems. They look at us as the terrorists and then they turn around and help the terrorists who are trying to kill us."

Nope, that doesn't sound like Vietnam at all! Boy do I feel better now. That quote certainly couldn't pass for a soldier's commentary in 1968 if you replaced "terrorists" with "Viet Cong!"

Please evaluate the following potential album titles for A) awesomeness and B) likelihood of resulting in litigation.

What Kobe Wants, Kobe Gets

Guns n' Roses Presents: Chinese Democracy

The first is more clearly libelous, but by withholding a surname we (arguably) are not directly defaming Mr. Bryant's impeccable moral character.

The latter choice seems more likely to result in letters from attorneys, because I think we can all safely assume that Axl has absolutely no money left.

None. And he just seems like the kind of guy who would sue a lot anyway (let the 2002 MTV VMA performance serve as evidence – watch on an empty stomach).

By the way, what happens if China is in fact substantially democratic by the time Chinese Democracy finally gets released? I realize that's more of an "if" than a "when" but there's something undeniably awkward about ironic album titles rendered unironic by actual events.

(OK, did you watch the VMA "performance" clip?

I haven't seen that in 5 years, and I recall thinking it was the worst, most painful thing I had ever seen. My opinion hasn't changed with the passage of time.)

It is with great sadness that I pass along the following news:

The Baron Doodle von
Taintstain, 2ish, of Bloomington, beloved pet of Rancho Relaxo, has passed away. His passing was painless and in his sleep.

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The likely cause is the landlord's refusal to fix the broken furnace in a timely manner, allowing indoor temperatures to drop below 40 degrees.

He is survived by his owner, Liz, and premarital step-owner, Ed. Services will be held tonight in the guest bathroom of their home.
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In lieu of flowers, please donate to the Sierra Club.

I don't know who Jerry Klein is, but he's officially on my short list of heroes.

Apparently he's a DC-area radio host who kicked off an hour-long segment of his show by announcing that all Muslims in the United States should carry special ID cards and be marked with either a visible crescent tattoo or a red armband.

Sounds a little….out there, doesn't it? Not according to the listeners! Among a smattering of callers who told Klein he's out of his mind, supportive callers made comments such as:

"Not only do you tattoo them in the middle of their forehead but you ship them out of this country … they are here to kill us."

"What good is identifying them? You have to set up encampments like during World War Two with the Japanese and Germans.

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It wasn't until the end of the show, after an hour of hearing DC's finest share their helpful hints on how best to mitigate the "threat in our midst" that Klein revealed that he had pulled a fast one on his right-wing listeners. He explained that his "proposal" was in fact a hoax, and then offered his response:

"I can't believe any of you are sick enough to have agreed for one second with anything I said."

"For me to suggest to tattoo marks on people's bodies, have them wear armbands, put a crescent moon on their driver's license on their passport or birth certificate is disgusting. It's beyond disgusting."

"Because basically what you just did was show me how the German people allowed what happened to the Jews to happen … We need to separate them, we need to tattoo their arms, we need to make them wear the yellow Star of David, we need to put them in concentration camps, we basically just need to kill them all because they are dangerous.

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Jerry Klein, you f'n rule.