I am being interviewed for an assistant professor position at the US Coast Guard Academy. You may let fly the "poop deck" and "seaman" and "rear admiral jokes" now. It may bring good luck.

It would probably be fair to tell them that I have never been on a boat but I still have respect for the men and women of America's 17th line of defense (just ahead of the Mississippi National Guard and behind the League of Women Voters).

This interview is bound to go better than the one at Texas Christian. Not even kidding.


I am becoming alarmingly addicted to informercials in the same way I am addicted to Battlefield:Earth, World's Wildest Police Videos, and watching people slip on icy stairs. Infomercials are as bad as you remember, as my good friend Klee Irwin will show you. In addition to answering the hypothetical question "What would the offspring look like if John Waters boned Count Chocula?" Klee is well-known for being incredibly enthusiastic about your poop. He is personally committed to helping you pinch off a nice, solid log. To wit:

Infomercials say a lot about us as a nation. Because every one of these idiots – every last scam artist, charlatan, and flat-out criminal – is a millionaire. Remember, as you watch Klee Irwin or Kevin Trudeau making asses of themselves for your entertainment, that people regularly watch this crap and fall for it. Not one or two people – tens of thousands of them. They pick up the phone and pay good money – in some cases hundreds of dollars – for repackaged Flintstones vitamins or books that describe how to cure cancer with fruit.

Yeah, that's a little depressing.