NPF: SUPERSTRING THEORY

I am not a scientician, nor do I have even the slightest illusions of thoroughly understanding physics. That said, if you are reasonably literate on such matters and you want to have your mind positively fucking blown out of both ears and your nose at the same time, watch Prof. Brian Greene give a lecture describing Superstring Theory in (relative) layman's terms.

I was pretty good at the hard sciences as a younger person, including physics, but I hit a road block when exposed to theories beyond relativity.

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Perhaps my mind is too linear (or not linear enough).
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I simply can't comprehend things getting shorter and more massive when they move, particles traveling back in time, multiple dimensions, and parallel universes. I am unequipped mentally to handle academic endeavors based on fundamental but unexplained, and possibly inexplicable, phenomena.

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There is something comforting about a field in which, whenever we get stumped, "Because people are stupid" serves as an effective all-purpose explanation.

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HIGH-CLASS MONEY LAUNDERING

An office manager at Hess Oil and her husband, a foreman at the local Amtrak station, donate $57,000 to McCain's campaign the day after he flip-flops on offshore drilling. Hmm. Seems kinda high for a pair of people who have never made a political donation in their lives and probably make about $40,000/yr each, no?

"Honey, now that we're 60, let's start making political contributions.

How about we mortgage the house to give McCain sixty grand?"

"That won't work, dear. We can't even afford a house. We rent this one, remember?"

CLASSICS, BESTSELLERS, AND SHELF BOOKS

Since I had the opportunity to bring up my favorite book review of all time a few weeks ago, Matt Taibbi's review of The World is Flat, three things have been bothering me. Two are direct quotes from Friedman's book. The other is the fact that it has sold more than 3 million copies.

These are the quotes that I cannot forget no matter how much $4.99 gin I drink:

"It created a global platform that allowed more people to plug and play, collaborate and compete, share knowledge and share work, than anything we have ever seen in the history of the world."

"And now the icing on the cake, the ubersteroid that makes it all mobile: wireless. Wireless is what allows you to take everything that has been digitized, made virtual and personal, and do it from anywhere."

Mark Twain defined a "classic" as a book everyone praises but no one reads. As I compare Friedman's words to his sales figures I wonder if that is how "bestseller" is now defined. Look at those quotes and tell me: who reads this shit?

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Who honestly drops $25 for the hardcover and then subjects themselves for four hundred and seventy-three pages of pseudo-intellectual sloganeering and 1990s Wired buzzwords?

Three million American book-buyers did exactly that. Yet the same people likely to be attracted to Friedman's ideology (and his fact- and idea-free prose has nothing else going for it) seem to be the least likely to sit through 500 pages of anything, let alone something that reads like watching Milton Friedman masturbate.

The phenomenon of "shelf books" usually applies to books of significant literary prestige that lack entertainment value. In other words, we buy them to display on the bookcase to impress our cocktail party guests. It's the American way of acquiring the social cachet of intellectualism with nothing more than a valid credit card.

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Friedman's ramblings hardly qualify. Who chases prestige by advertising that he or she has read The Friedman Unit's latest sheaf of enthusiastic handjobbing for globalization?
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I understand why people buy, display, and never read Ulysses and Gravity's Rainbow, but in what reality does The World is Flat serve a similar purpose?

I have no empirical evidence about what anyone does with this book after buying it.

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Maybe everyone reads it cover-to-cover. Maybe no one does. I am merely struggling to develop a theory of how millions of copies of absolutely dreadful, repetitive books are sold to a public that doesn't read.
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If adults hardly read to begin with (and make no mistake, those self-reported numbers are wildly overstated) how are they being convinced to purchase 500-page books that are poorly-written, boring, and intellectually bankrupt? If we can eliminate pleasure, education, and prestige from the list of motives, I, like Thomas Friedman, am at a loss for ideas.

METAFRAUD

The FBI busted another "diploma mill" late last week. These unaccredited internet entities concoct fancy names (often bastardized from real colleges, like phony Hamilton University based on fully-accredited and prestigious Hamilton College) and issue advanced degrees with little or no coursework for cold, hard cash. Former Senior Director of Homeland Security Laura Callahan was forced to resign in 2004 when it was revealed that her postgraduate degrees were from diploma mills. These degrees are endemic among civil servants at the state, local, and federal levels, where advanced degrees are necessary to move up the pay scale. The temptation to "name it and frame it" for a one-time payment of $1000-$5000 (which the state often reimburses!) is significant to a middling bureaucrat who has no particular interest in academic work but wants a raise.

Like all criminal enterprises, however, this scam has evolved to stay one step ahead of law enforcement. Phony, unaccredited colleges are now routinely getting accredited…from phony accreditation boards. Check-mate, Johnny Law!

It makes perfect sense. A school for people who want to buy a diploma just wants buy accreditation. Unfortunately the line between legitimate and illegitimate accreditation is much less clear than the line between schools.

Far-right "colleges" such as Patrick Henry College, a.k.a. Homeschooled U., and Bob Jones University are accredited, as their websites loudly proclaim (always the sign of a good school: "Welcome! We're accredited!") But it is worth noting that they are both accredited by the Transnational Association of Christian Colleges and Schools (TRACS), a body whose power to accredit is largely the product of political influence and lax law enforcement.

TRACS was granted that power in 1991, against the advice of the Department of Education advisory panel, by Bush appointee, Education Secretary, and backwoods retard Lamar Alexander. It proceeded to assuage fears about its standards by accrediting the Institue for Creation Research despite the fact that the chair of TRACS was the same person who founded the ICR. TRACS also introduced a new, cutting-edge approach to accreditation, separating itself from its peers by devising an innovative list of standards, including:

1. The unique divine inspiration of all the canonical books of the Old and New Testaments as originally given, so that they are infallible and uniquely authoritative and free from error of any sort, in all matters with which they deal, scientific and historical as well as moral and theological.

2. Special creation of the existing space-time universe and all its basic systems and kinds of organisms in the six literal days of the creation week.

3. The full historicity and perspicuity of the biblical record of primeval history, including the literal existence of Adam and Eve as the progenitors of all people, the literal fall and resultant divine curse of the creation, and worldwide cataclysmic deluge and the origin of nations and languages at the Tower of Babel.

Aside from Patrick Henry and BJU, the few schools able to meet these exacting standards include the Apex School of Theology, Beulah Heights University, Hillsdale Free Will Baptist College, and "Virginia University of Lynchburg", which is most decidedly not the University of Virginia.

The entire educational system suffers from this commercialized debasement of the value of postsecondary degrees. It is bad enough that civil servants and job hunters are loading their diplomas with "degrees" that required little beyond a valid credit card. Now the waters are being muddied further by Department of Education-sanctioned accreditation granted to schools obviously incompetent to offer anything beyond Christian-centric theology degrees.

UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES

The first (and only) time I watched an episode of Sex and the City I expected something mindless that I would dislike, logically, because it is not aimed at me. Fifty-four minutes later I was a hardcore Marxist, ready to put my fist through the Clinique window and throttle someone – anyone – on the other side.

Similarly, I saw a trailer prior to the new comedy Step Brothers** that has the potential to turn America into a nation of militant feminists. This is not praise for the filmmakers, for making new feminists is not their goal. But in their quest for "entertainment" the makers of The House Bunny have concocted a product so patronizing, so insulting, and so anachronistic that I am not sure minors should be allowed to see it.

The three-minute trailer can be seen here. Let me summarize. Aging Playboy bunny gets kicked out of the Mansion. She stumbles upon Campus and, through a series of machniations likely too convoluted and thematically rich to comprehend here, becomes the "House Mother" to a sorority. But it's the Loser sorority for Rejects – as subtle visual cues tell us. There's the girl with braces, the "fat" girl (approximately size 8), the goth girl, Too Many Piercings girl, and various other stock characters in alarmingly unglamorous clothing.

House Bunny to the rescue. In what I can only assume is a stirring montage set to "I Know What Boys Like," she teaches all of them how to dress and apply makeup in a manner that will make boys like them (i.e., like extras from Spice World who apply mascara with a butterknife).

As the promo puts it:

(The girls) need Shelley to teach them the ways of makeup and men; at the same time, Shelley needs some of what the Zetas have – a sense of individuality. The combination leads all the girls to learn how to stop pretending and start being themselves.

The Zetas learn that life is about not only studying but also shopping. The Bespectacled Nerd gets her dream boy, an aryan football star who was apparently hit by a truck full of J. Crew accessories. Bunny learns that men care about what is on the inside once a girl has met the prerequisite of looking like a clown hooker. Everyone grows and becomes a better person. Hugs are shared. Lessons learnt. Heels strutted-in. Breasts lifted. Hemlines compromised.

As my friend said at the completion of the trailer, "Wow. I'm not exactly a feminist, but that's incredibly offensive." I have a difficult time imagining any other reaction. Like those shorts/pants with words like "Juicy" written across the ass or thongs for 10 year-olds, this film is something that makes me wonder why a society that tolerates, even encourages, such misogyny bothers with the charade of gender equality.

**Hilarious. Exactly what you think it is: 96 minutes of Ferrell and John C. Reilly swearing and acting like retards.

THE DEPTH OF THE RABBIT HOLE

Human nature dictates that we don't like to think about mistakes we have made, but as societies we often do so in public discourse anyway. To refuse is to guarantee that the mistakes will be repeated in the future. Americans put this selective amnesia to good use after Vietnam, which we apparently lost because we didn't stick around long enough (or because of Jane Fonda, I can't remember). But the run-up to the Iraq War is taking denial to another level; there appears to be no end to our desire to avoid learning how deep, broad, and unsettling the deception was. "How did this happen?" is a question we have little interest in answering.

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Bruce Ivins, the person most likely responsible for the 2001 anthrax terrorist attacks, is dead. He committed suicide before he could be charged in Federal court with executing the plot. As usual, the media and the nation have shown absolutely no inclination to recall and reflect on what this means or to question how these facts compare to our contemporaneous interpretation of the events. That is an understatement; far from just passively ignoring the truth, the media and public are going out of their way to avoid recognizing how badly they were duped.

Bruce Ivins was a research scientist at Fort Dietrick, Maryland, home of USAMRIID, the U.S. military chemical and biological warfare facility. He attacked American citizens with anthrax manufactured by the American military. He made a rather ham-handed attempt to commit his crime behind a canard of Islamic terrorism. He needn't have bothered, for the media and political system were ready to make that leap regardless.

The military-political complex could not have been more unanimous and decisive in its response to the attacks: this anthrax came from – and in fact could have come from no other source than – Sadaam Hussein's bio-chemical weapons programs. John McCain was on Letterman within days stating "There is some indication, and I don't have the conclusions, but some of this anthrax may — and I emphasize may — have come from Iraq." Surprisingly, the "may" qualifier was rapidly scrubbed from the discourse surrounding the event. Professional sniveling cocksucker Joe Lieberman went on Meet the Press shortly thereafter and described the anthrax as so complex and potent that "there's either a significant amount of money behind this, or this is state-sponsored, or this is stuff that was stolen from the former Soviet program." For once, Joe was right. It was state-sponsored.

It took almost no time or effort to bring the media to a frenzy, as this contemporary piece from The Nation noted. On October 18, 2001 the Wall Street Journal noted "By far the likeliest supplier is Saddam Hussein." James Woolsely concurred in a WSJ editorial, riffing on Iranian involvement before concluding, "But by far the more likely candidate for involvement with al Qaeda is Iraq.
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" In the 10/18/01 edition of the New York Times, former UN inspector Richard Butler stated "If the scientific path leads to Iraq as the supporter of the anthrax used by the terrorist mailers, no one should be surprised." It was irrelevant that, as early as the very next day, FBI investigators were pointing out that this was more likely a domestic attack. What are facts in the face of hysteria?

But ABC took the cake, as Greenwald notes, leading for days on end with a story they "broke." They claimed (according to "three well-placed sources" – use your imagination) that the anthrax used in the attacks was revealed to contain a substance called bentonite, and "only one country, Iraq, has used bentonite to produce biological weapons." This was the definitive proof linking Sadaam and the anthrax. It simply couldn't have come from any other source. If Iraq was not directly responsible for the attacks, they provided the anthrax to those who were. On 10/26/01, ABC's Peter Jennings stated:

We're going to begin this evening with what we believe is a meaningful lead in the most sensitive anthrax case so far, despite a very recent denial by the White House.

ABC News has learned what made the anthrax so dangerous in the letter to Senator Tom Daschle was a particular additive which only one country, as far as we know, that's a very important caveat, only one country as far as we know, has used to produce biological weapons….The discovery of bentonite came in an urgent series of tests conducted at Fort Detrick, Maryland, and elsewhere. This is what bentonite looks like under a microscope, a substance which helps keep the tiny anthrax particles floating in the air by preventing them from sticking together. It's possible other countries may be using it, too, but it is a trademark of Saddam Hussein's biological weapons program.

Tests at Fort Dietrick. Where the fucking attacker worked, and may even have been the person responsible for conducting the "tests." ABC and Jennings went on to note – less than 8 weeks after the 9/11 attacks and long before the Iraq invasion:

This news about bentonite as the additive is being a trademark of the Iraqi biological weapons program is very significant. Partly because there's been a lot of pressure on the Bush administration inside and out to go after Saddam Hussein. And some are going to be quick to pick up on this as a smoking gun.

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Note significantly that even the White House wouldn't accept this story. They understood that nothing so flimsy and demonstrably false – and make no mistake, every single claim made by ABC has been repeatedly proven false – would stand up under scientific scrutiny. There was no "bentonite" and no evidence that the anthrax was in any way unique or "weaponized." It is crucial to understand that the bentonite claims were not the result of an error in an early test – they were simply made up. Completely and utterly fabricated out of whole cloth. The "three well-placed sources" made up a story and ABC uncritically repeated it.

Without even delving into the Case Closed rantings of the far right, the mainstream media shelved all skepticism and accepted the word of government sources as gospel truth – what could go wrong? Why would the government lie? And in doing so, as Richard Cohen noted in his pitiful mea culpa, they set the stage for the entire run-up to the Iraq War.

Avoiding the more extreme conspiracy theories given weight by Bruce Ivins' apparent guilt, such as that the White House or military establishment ordered the attacks and used Ivins as a patsy, the story remains deeply, profoundly disturbing.
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An American, an unspectacular one at that, set out to commit an act of terrorism and make it look like Islamic fundamentalists did it. And it worked. It worked. It fooled ABC News, the WSJ, and the rest of the MSM. It fooled the vast majority of the public. The media's unthinking, unquestioning role – writing down what government sources say and reporting it unedited – is so dangerous that one single person was able to shift the vulnerable post-9/11 public toward the course of war.

Of course ABC will barely admit that they made an error and the Ivins story is reported as a footnote. Americans would likely prefer to remain confident that, if they were duped, they were duped by conspiracy at the highest levels. Billion-dollar James Bond movie stuff. No, no one wants to recognize that one goddamn person is all it takes to play the entire media, government, and public like a fiddle so long as the tune is a march to to war.

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NPF: POLITBURO-APPROVED COMEDY

I love several things. Among them are Cold War-era cultural artifacts and Engrish. Stilted, hilarious Engrish. I wondered if I would ever find anything that combines the two.

God heard my prayers and delivered some serious Soviet camp. Check out this amazing 1970 brochure from Aeroflot Soviet Airlines. It features not only that soaring propaganda rhetoric that only true commies could master but also some awkwardly translated Russian-turned-Engrish. The kind of Engrish we thought only our friends in Asia could deliver in VCR manuals:

This is the building of Moscow in-town air terminal. Let's make an excursion to it. First we'll inform you of the dimensions of it. The building is about 300 meters long and 40m wide. It is full of light, spacious and cozy.

Wait, I also promised some overblown rhetoric:

The entire Soviet people display unprecedented labour enthusiasm when they celebrate Lenin's birth centenary. And the many-thousand-strong collective of Soviet civil airmen is marking this glorious jubilee with new labour achievements.

Need a flight to Africa to visit the nutty 1970s dictator of your choice? Well don't worry, because "The network of Aeroflot routes to Africa is very ramified."