WHAT HAPPENS NOW: REPUBLICAN VERSION

(Note: actual analysis coming. Must sleep. Enjoy light humor for now.)

1. All property-owning classes will report for field work in our new collective sorghum farms at 4:15 AM tomorrow. Subversives and malingerers will not be tolerated. The Politburo (formerly Congress) will compile a list of non-contributors in need of re-education in Siberia (formerly Alaska).

2. All pregnant women must report for mandatory coat-hanger abortions by Friday. All children under 4 will also be retroactively aborted.

3. The top income tax bracket is increased from 36% to "confiscatory". This term is to be followed with maniacal laughter and songs of praise for Comrade Lenin.

4. Members of the Politburo will meet at 6:00 AM Thursday morning to sign a formal instrument of surrender to Radical Islam. Field work may be interrupted six times daily for prayer toward Mecca (formerly Harrisburg, PA).

5. In tribute to Comrade Obama's closest personal friend, William Ayers, it is now illegal to not bomb your state capitol.

I know you will all cooperate and put significant effort into making our transition to Commie Islam smooth and seamless. Allaobama be praised. You must work to meet our sorghum production targets for the motherland. Never forget our enemy – bourgeois capitalism and prosperity.

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10 Responses to “WHAT HAPPENS NOW: REPUBLICAN VERSION”

  1. pmayo Says:

    You forgot about the initiatives to remove teh gay.

  2. pmayo Says:

    That should read, "institute," not "remove." I cannot talk and type. D'oh.

  3. J. Dryden Says:

    Mandatory viewing every morning of "The Rev. Jeremiah Wright Hour." Today's sermon: "God Says You're A Worthless Piece of Shit, Whitey."

    Oh, and an immediate ban on all forms of fuel except for those based on the combustion of weed and the flag.

  4. j Says:

    Lol @ "retroactively aborted"! Ha ha!

    Is it possible that the intensity of my Bush hatred is surpassed by my Obama love?

    *continues smiling*

  5. Michalob Says:

    The Swiss are rejoicing, along with us expats abroad. McCain-0 World-1

  6. David Says:

    How do I interpret the combination: Obama, Yes on 8.

    Does it mean the country's waking up, but California is suddenly the bastion of hateful bigots?

    Yeah, I'm tired, too. And yeah, I read the transcripts of both Obama's and McCain's speeches, and felt tears of joy & pride. (And no, I'm not a "cryer".)

    At the same time, supposedly progressive CA has decided either:
    – That we're linguiphiles (we want to legislate a word's definition, even if it has no practicable difference)
    – That we're assholes
    or
    – That we really *don't* like money (think about marriage as a financial contract, and a bigger pool of marriagable couples means more money to the State).

    Sorghum. Mmmmmm….

  7. B. Freret Says:

    Excellent work, I needed that. Could have done without the nasal coffee spew on my monitor, but it was worth it.

    Thanks for that!

  8. Brandon Says:

    David, the CNN exit polls showed that African Americans overwhelmingly supported Prop 8, while other groups were either evenly divided or opposed. It's a terrible setback for now, but with California's turbulent politics, I'm confident that it will only be a temporary setback.

  9. warmbowski Says:

    I think we ALL deserve a puppy.

  10. Patti Says:

    Remember, puppies must be earned.

    At least it's ORGANIC sorghum.