TROLLING FOR HITS

I realize that this guy is simply trolling for attention and trying to be "edgy", but "Let's Book Philly for (the Super Bowl)" has to be the most asinine piece of sports journalism I've ever seen. And that's saying something.

Let me summarize the playoffs thus far. Atlanta: "Yes! We get to play Arizona!" Carolina: "Yes! We get to play Arizona!" Philadelphia: "Yes! We get to play Arizona!" Good luck with that.

Just so you all know, as a fan of a team that makes it to one championship game every 70 years there is no limit to the amount of cash I am prepared to shell out to attend the Super Bowl should the Cardinals make it. After 30 years of cheering for them, an experience not unlike turning on the History Channel and cheering for the Luftwaffe, I need some payoff.

TRY HOARDING COMMON SENSE

I look at libertarians the same way one would look at a puppy operating a flamethrower – with a mixture of condemnation, bemusement, and wonder without losing sight of the dangerous lunacy that underlies the spectacle. Most of their antics are boring enough to be unworthy of attention, but the fact that I now know three separate libertarians who are hoarding silver overwhelms my capacity for ignoring stupidity. It is worth noting that two of them are not simply hoarding silver, they are burying it in their yard and thus adequately fulfilling every component of the Flat Earther militiaman stereotype they insist is unfair.

The whole libertarian "fiat money isn't money" and "abolish the Fed" nonsense is all-too-familiar to most of us and we do a commendable job of collectively ignoring it as a society. They practice what they preach, though, getting themselves well prepared for the complete collapse of our system of money that they insist is imminent. But don't run off to rob the nearest bank assuming that the safe deposit boxes are laden with precious metals – since Commissar Obama's gestapo has plans to seize all privately held gold and silver, the one and only safe place for your hoarded wealth is in your yard. Possibly behind the pool, although I'm not sure if libertarians believe in pools. Usually I just point and giggle at their Liberty Dollars (easily the best website ever designed by blind people) and talk about alternative "non-FRN" currencies. However, I am about to make the fatal flaw of attempting to apply the rules of logic to their behavior.

I'd like a silver-hoarding libertarian to explain one thing to me: what is the endgame that you envision? In other words, what specifically do you foresee happening and how will your hoarded silver be of use when it does? I'll accept your worst case scenario (the paper dollar inflates itself out of existence and the US Dollar collapses catastrophically) in the vain hope that it may offer some insight into what you think your hoards of old silver flatware and privately minted 1 ounce bars is going to accomplish.

Let's say we all wake up tomorrow to find that Ron Paul's masturbatory apocalypse scenario has become reality. Our currency has collapsed. Your bank account, and even the bills in your wallet, are utterly worthless. As you can imagine, this would no doubt lead to profound social disorientation and upheaval.

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Urban/suburban/town dwellers would suddenly find themselves unable to purchase the basics of food, fuel, and utilities.
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All three of these commodities would disappear shortly anyway, as the delivery trucks would certainly stop bringing food and gasoline to the retail market.

The collapse of the American dollar would be a de facto collapse of the entire global financial system. China would suddenly find itself without reserves and the Titanic-esque sinking of our economy would drag numerous other countries down in our wake – Japan, the Commonwealth, Germany, and probably Russia as well. All economic activity beyond what individuals can see from the doorstep of their home would cease to exist.

So where and how does the silver save the day? I have this image in my mind, one that I admit may be a straw man, of libertarians picturing themselves striding into the gas station or supermarket to provision themselves while mocking the rest of us who lack their foresight. In the disaster scenario they predict this is patently retarded. To whom is one's silver to be traded and for what? Are we to believe that life will carry on much as before except that the businesses and utilities we rely on for basic needs and services will hang signs reading "Now accepting silver, no paper money!" on the front door?

No, in a complete economic collapse there would be no medium of exchange in which enough faith existed to make the kinds of transactions one who is not self-sufficient needs to do in this society. And faith is what makes money fungible**, not scarcity or whether it is backed by precious metal. No one will want your paper dollars after Global Economic Armageddon. On that point libertarians and I agree. But no one will want your dirt encrusted silver either with the possible exception of other silver-hoarding libertarians. That any form of "money" would be worth anything when all economic activity has ground to a halt is, to put it mildly, delusional.

If you really believe that Federal Reserve fiat money is going to collapse, hoard food. Hoard heating fuel. Hoard medicine. Hoard all of the things one would need to survive in a world without economic activity, all of the things that wouldn't be available at any price, paper or silver, in the crisis that libertarians stridently insist is imminent. A fifty pound bag of rice would be worth more than all the silver coins in the world, either as a means of barter or for personal use. In short, if everything goes to shit, my Ron Paul loving friends, you and I are going to be in exactly the same boat. You'll be no better off unless you find a way to eat silver or burn it for heat.

**This may just be my favorite word, and the opportunity to use it is rare indeed.

A GIFT FOR EVERY READER

After watching a few of my favorite old fights on YouTube, among them Tyson-Spinks from Iron Mike's era of invincibility, I was messing around online and read some amusing material about how Mr. Tyson managed to squander all of his $300,000,000+ in career earnings. His carefully thought-out purchases included hundreds of exotic cars, two Bengal tigers, and a pigeon-breeding operation featuring 350 birds in an arena-sized coop. Then I found a gold nugget buried in Tyson's avalanche of insane spending. At one point The Champ "had a half-million dollar watch emblazoned with pornography."

Read that again. Remind yourself, if necessary, what kind of person would do such a thing:

Folks, if I wake up some morning to find myself the recipient of an inherited fortune from a relative I never met, every one of you loyal readers are getting watches emblazoned with pornography. Necessity may force me to substitute a mere Rolex in the $25,000 range for Tyson's $500k timepiece, but the value of the watch is not the important part. The important part is that it is emblazoned with pornography.

This is my promise to you. And you're no Alexander. I'm Alexander. I will eat your children. Praise be to Allah.

(ps: It may shock you to learn that Mr. Tyson isn't looking too good these days)

PROMISE RINGS

A new study shows that teenage virginity pledges are ineffective and uncorrelated with premarital abstinence. This follows on the heels of a 2004 study showing that teenage virginity pledges are ineffective and uncorrelated with premarital abstinence.

In other news, water gets things wet.

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SENATE 2008: THE NEVERENDING STORY

Like a fifteen inning World Series game, the 2008 Senate elections are bound to be memorable by the fact that they continue ten weeks after Election Day. The Merkley/Smith results from Oregon took several days to filter in and determine a victor, while in Alaska the apparent Election Night victory of Ted Stevens turned into a 3% defeat after a recount and the tally of late absentee ballots. Saxby Chambliss groped his 12 year-old niece's breasts in a commercial aired for his early December runoff rematch with Jim Martin, with Sexy Saxby ultimately prevailing. But the aforementioned storylines, which would constitute a historically significant amount of post-election activity on their own, are the tip of the iceberg. The new Senate has been sworn in and the session has begun yet races remain undecided.

First, the presidential election results and subsequent appointments by the President-Elect put a few additional seats up in the air. One of them turned out to be, um, pretty interesting. Others were more mundane. In Colorado, where Ken Salazar stepped down to accept the Interior post in Obama's cabinet, Democratic Gov. Bill Ritter shocked everyone (including Denver Schools Superintendent Michael Bennet) by appointing Denver Schools Superintendent Michael Bennet as his replacement. While this move will have little impact on the current Senate it will make future elections more interesting. Bennet must be considered a weak incumbent and his seat will represent a realistic opportunity for the GOP to make a pickup if they can find a decent candidate.

Delaware Gov. Ruth Ann Minner filled the VP-elect's vacant seat with long-time Biden aide Ted Kaufman in a particularly ham-fisted attempt to set the table for Biden's Iraq War veteran son Beau to run in 2010. Kaufman has already announced his retirement at the end of his mini-term, proving that subtlety is rarer and more precious than moon rocks in Delaware. As the odds of the GOP winning a Senate race in that state are longer than those of Transporter 3 at this year's Oscars, the machinations of Delaware politics matter little in terms of the ultimate outcome.

Obama's seat, well, that's another story.
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Despite a petition signed by every Democrat in the Senate urging Blagojevich to resign and under no circumstances to appoint a replacement, Hot Rod decided to appoint relatively boring career party hack Roland Burris as a parting "fuck you" to Illinois and the nation. Here's the problem: according to the Illinois Constitution, Burris' appointment is entirely legitimate. Like most states, the Constitution grants the Governor all appointment powers, meaning that various calls for a special election to fill the seat are irrelevant. The State Legislature can't just decide to call for such an election; the Constitution would have to be amended. Secretary of State White has refused to certify the appointment but is similarly bound by the Constitution to do his job. To give the SoS discretion on such a matter would grant him veto power over the Governor, hence the state Supreme Court will eventually order White to rubber-stamp Burris.
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As they do on every issue Senate Democrats are already caving, recognizing that once the formality of White's signature is obtained Burris has been legally appointed to the letter of the law.

Who are the assholes here? The Illinois General Assembly. They dragged their feet on impeaching Hot Rod, either out of stupidity or the pitifully misguided belief that the man has enough integrity to resign in the face of certain doom. They left him in Springfield and he continued to exercise his authority, essentially calling everyone's bluff. As much as Obama and the Senate Democrats would like to be rid of Burris and his connection to the corrupt Governor forever, the Illinois Supreme Court's impending decision will leave the Senate with no legal basis for refusing to seat him. Shame on Burris for not having the integrity to turn down Hot Rod's offer like so many other Illinois politicians did.

Last but not least we have Coleman-Franken, and we're going to have Coleman-Franken for quite some time. On January 5th the state canvassing board certified Franken as the winner by an improbably slim 225 vote margin. However, John Cornyn of Texas threatened a GOP filibuster of any effort to seat Franken before the Secretary of State certifies official results. I have to agree with him. We, including Franken, can afford to wait until the outcome of the race is indisputably resolved.
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It's incumbent upon the Minnesota state government to move as quickly as possible to make that happen. Unfortunately Coleman filed a lawsuit on January 6th, meaning that this will ultimately be resolved in court…and not terribly swiftly either. The first hearings are set for January 26. Christ.

Yeah, it looks like the book on the 2008 Senate elections will not be closed for at least a few more weeks. I'm simultaneously amused and irritated by the prospect. I hope the authors of the 2,400 write-in votes in Minnesota (not to mention the 8,900 bedwetters who cast a vote for "Constitution Party" candidate and Richfield cop James Niemackl) are happy with their decisions.

SKELETOR/HITLER 2012

I didn't have the heart for more than a post or two about the bailout of the American auto industry, the outcome of which was underwhelming. Congress provided an amount of money that pales in comparison to the financial sector's big payday – about $13 billion, a heathen sum to you and I but only enough to let the Little Three limp along for a few more months while trying to right the ship. The only fun part of this debacle was watching the Senate's southern Republicans drop the gloves for one last hurrah in the limelight before their party becomes insignificant.

Is it even necessary to say "southern" in reference to specific Senate Republicans anymore?
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Is there any other kind? After hearing their invective during the bailout negotiations, I think I might have some idea of why their ideas are not more popular elsewhere.

We begin with the very obvious conflict of interest from leading anti-bailout crusader Richard Shelby of Alabama, a man whose state just happens to have energetically bent over for foreign automakers in the past 15 years. Having doled out billions in subsidies to get Korean, Japanese, and German companies to take advantage of good ol' fashioned Southern Hospitality (read: piss-poor, uneducated workforce and ample union-busting) it would seem that an Alabaman like Shelby might stand to benefit from the demise of the American auto industry.

Another corrupt Republican feigning Principle didn't do much to change the perceptions that guided voters in the last two elections. But more importantly the GOP seems to have badly mangled the easiest kind of reel-in-the-voters rhetoric: populist class warfare. Someone neglected to tell them that class warfare is not supposed to be directed against the working- and middle-classes. Rather than attempting to reach out to alienated voters, the GOP felt it more important to vent their anger at blue-collar people who subverted the Natural Order by daring to make middle-class incomes. The lame attempt by people like Bob Corker to paint the GOP as the defenders of the little guy – the taxpayer – against greedy union workers did little to disguise what they were actually saying.

The conservative position on this issue, whether expressed on talk radio or in the halls of Congress, reads like an electoral suicide note. The message is simple and unmistakable. If you have a blue-collar job that lets you live a nice middle class existence, you make too much money. If you have a pension which will keep you from being forced to work until you drop dead or living out retirement in poverty on Social Security (which should also be eliminated), you are lazy and greedy. Your retirement benefits are too lavish and must be reduced. If you have health care provided by your employer, you are a leech. Think about that for a second. It's not enough for the GOP to fight against universal healthcare – they're on the Senate floor and the nightly news arguing that people who have health benefits provided by a private employer should have it taken away.

Folks, this is the political platform of Skeletor. These are not merely bad or unpopular positions. They are mean, antagonistic, angry positions. They are the ideas of a cartoonishly evil villain in a movie aimed at pre-schoolers. They're the kind of ideas embraced only by the privileged and the self-loathing. Shelby, Corker, et al take a position that makes me question their sanity. It's not merely that I disagree with them; I wonder how in the hell they expect to win elections by telling the non-wealthy (i.
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e., 90% of the population) "Hey! Fuck you."

Well, there are only two ways. First, distract people with "social" issues like gay marriage, flag burning, abortion, and so on. Alternatively they can hide their real agenda behind slogans and fake populist bluster, hoping that voters are too stupid or lazy to notice the disconnect between words and actions. These tactics can be successful in the Good Times, when voters' personal sense of financial security is not threatened. But when the electorate casts its worried eyes on the economy, the mask slips off and voters start to wonder if one party, rather than simply not representing their interests, is actively trying to screw them.

INFORMED CONSENT

I need to preface this by emphasizing that I do not have a vagina. Immediately after writing that sentence I retired to the privacy of my bathroom to verify that fact. I wouldn't want to lie to you and it never hurts to double-check.

This afternoon I engaged in a thought-provoking discussion about childbirth. Specifically, about vaginal birth after cesaerian (VBAC). Many of you may be unaware, as I certainly was, that this is quite a controversial issue. In short, the medical community has long believed that once a woman has a c-section all subsequent deliveries should use the same method.

Apparently there are documented risks to attempting, for lack of a better term, "standard" delivery after a surgical one. More recently some doctors and many people active in the natural birth movement have questioned this conventional wisdom, arguing that many women can in fact safely have VBAC. Hospitals often have policies making c-section the default option for women who have previously had one, which obviously leads to conflict with VBAC advocates.

There are even instances of women being forced to have c-sections against their will in such circumstances.

Let me attempt to explain why I think VBAC is stupid.

One of my favorite ex-girlfriends wrote a college honors thesis on the medicalization of birth. She felt very strongly that the idea of birth as a quasi-surgical procedure in a hospital setting is a new and misguided one. Only in the last few decades has it become standard or even mandatory for women to give birth in a medical setting. This line of argument always struck me as odd, as it seems to idealize the good ol' days in which infant mortality was 30% and women had about a 10-15% chance of dying during delivery. Today the maternal mortality rate in the US is 0.13%. In Iceland it is zero. In Sierra Leone and Afghanistan it is 20%.
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The absence of medical infrastructure does not exactly correlate with positive childbirth outcomes.

Of course, I can understand the desire to avoid being wheeled into an OR, anesthetized, jammed full of epidurals, or given a c-section for no apparent reason. No one should have to have an experience like that unless she wants it. Medicalization can and often does go overboard. I'm simply not sure that homebirth or arguing with a doctor who refuses to do VBAC are appropriate responses to the absence of control many women feel in hospital birth.

My vaginaless opinion is that anything that increases the risks to mother or child during childbirth should be avoided. If homebirth is 0.00000001% more dangerous than hospital birth, that's too much. If VBAC is safe 90% of the time and c-section is safe 99% of the time, that's a no-brainer. This is not a mandate. It is simply my opinion. We are talking about lives here. If my child has a 1/1000 chance in dying or a 1/1001 chance with a different procedure I will take the latter every time. Any risk that can be avoided should be avoided. That's my take and I have no desire to enforce it upon others. If you don't mind the extra thousandth-percent of risk, then by all means choose the option that makes you happy.

Do doctors have a right to intervene? That's a harder question.

Read about this issue for a while and it is not long until the phrase "bodily autonomy" comes up, i.e. that women ultimately have the right to decide what is done to them. If the doctor says no to VBAC, find another doctor. If the hospital says that VBAC is too risky, find another hospital. If a c-section is performed of medical necessity but against one's wishes, sue. As ICAN, the International Caesarian Awareness Network, says:

Only you have the right to choose whether or not to use your vagina…Who else is better qualified to weigh the research and evidence and determine it’s (sic) importance in your life?

I have been to two county fairs and a Carrot Top show, yet this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. Who is better qualified? Uh, a doctor.

If doctors have a specific and legitimate reason to believe that VBAC is dangerous, you and your vagina are not the only things that matter. In natural (non-induced) labor the medical profession has a responsibility to the delivered in addition to the deliverer. To expect doctors and hospitals in the era of constant litigation to do something that may seriously endanger an infant because Mom really, really wants to give VBAC a try is unrealistic. To suggest that women should doctor- and venue-shop until they find a person and facility that will let them do whatever they want is irresponsible at best.
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Yes, in many instances c-sections and hospital births may not be necessary. But what about when they are? What kind of alleged advocate for women would suggest that what you want is all that matters?

I am not arguing that women are stupid and doctors need to make their decisions for them. I'm arguing about the line between "VBAC/homebirth are a little more risky but I guess it's your call" and "You/your baby are going to die if you try this." Citing bodily autonomy seems specious. Sure, I'll agree that you have the right to demand VBAC when specific dangers are present, insist on homebirth against advice, smoke two crack rocks every day while pregnant, or deliver the baby in an Arby's bathroom. You can do any of those things. My argument is simply that you are a complete idiot if you do. The debate about things like VBAC always ends up as a "can" question when it should be a "should." Just because you can do something doesn't mean it's a good idea.

Such is the unpleasantness of engaging me in arguments about rights. I'm quick to concede just about any right but unwilling to exclude judgment from the discussion.

2008 IN RHETORIC

In a year in which we all read, watched, and listened to enough political rhetoric to last several lifetimes, four examples stand out. If I gave out awards for things other than being an asshole I would probably say these are the quotes of the year. What the hell – these are my favorite quotes, words by which I will remember 2008. The group includes one vicious beatdown, one clever riposte, and two examples of stupidity which must be seen and heard to be believed.
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  • #4: "Hot Rod" Blagojevich

    I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden, and, uh, uh, I’m just not giving it up for fuckin' nothing. I’m not gonna do it. And, and I can always use it. I can parachute me there.

    If you knew that you were being investigated by the Feds, the above quote is the kind of thing that you would probably avoid saying into your (doubtlessly wiretapped) phone. But that kind of mentality is what keeps you out of the Governor's mansion in lovely Springfield, Illinois.
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    Among all the Hot Rod quotes, this one wins by concluding with the grammatical and semantic nightmare of "I can parachute me there." Every time that line is read or spoken, God kills an English teacher somewhere.

    Honorable mention to his wife Patti: "Fuck the Cubs." If that is not a sentiment that can rally and unify a downtrodden nation then I don't know what is. Fuck the Cubs in 2008 and forever.
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    Fuck them until this nation is healed.

  • #3: America's Most Popular Governortm

    (setup: Katie Couric asks a "gotcha journalism" question about whether or not the $700 billion bank bailout might be better put to use directly to aid struggling families)

    That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh — it's got to be all about job creation too. Shoring up our economy, and putting it back on the right track. So healthcare reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um, scary thing, but 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We've got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.

    I think we get a prize if we figure out what this means, and the prize is that Sarah Palin will run for President in 2012. In an epic, Quixote-like quest for coherence, the GovTard showed America exactly what it could expect when McCain's heart inevitably explodes. Like a Red Bull-addled college sophomore confronted with an essay question after an all-night cram session, Palin simply opens her mouth and projectile vomits a torrent of phrases drilled into her head by McCain's communications team the night before her "exam." Having no context in which to place anything she is saying (after all, the question was about neither of her areas of expertise: reproducing and winking) the quote reads like Dadaist poetry, but to hear it spoken is to hear a drowning man desperately flailing about for anything that floats.

  • #2: Ralph Nader

    (setup: after complaining that his campaign was not getting any press coverage, the editors of the Washington Post informed him that it is because he "has no chance of winning.")

    Then why are you covering the Nationals?

    It would be easier to hate Nader as we are all supposed to do if he wasn't so entertaining. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a comeback. If the context does not make this sufficiently clear to the I Hate Baseball crowd, the Washington Nationals and their 59-102 record are the worst in baseball.
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    I would compare their odds of winning a title to Nader's odds of winning the presidency if doing so did not grievously and unfairly slander both parties involved.

  • #1: Zbignew Brzezinski on MSNBC

    Scarborough: "You cannot blame what's going on in Israel on the Bush administration."

    Brzezinski: "You know, you have such a stunningly superficial knowledge of what went on that it's almost embarrassing to listen to you."

    I am living proof of the fact that no people on this planet can be dicks quite as well as Polacks. And I'm only 30; our ability to be an unspeakable asshole increases proportionately with age. Note that Brzezinski, as my people are wont to do, disregards any effort to be witty or subtle in his response. It amounts to "Joe, you are a fucking retard." We could consider this crass and low-brow if not for the fact that so much of the pundit class needs to be told exactly this in exactly these terms.

    Fill me in if I missed any good ones, as I'm sure there are more than four examples of rhetoric which deserve our praise and laughter.

  • READ THIS BEFORE YOU SPEND MONEY ON A ZUNE

    I received a neat gift for Christmas from my dear old dad: a 120gb Microsoft Zune. This gift was especially welcome because A) I emphatically loathe Apple, the iPod, and its associated "We've got you now, motherfucker" captive format and B) my mp3 player is an old 4gb Samsung which doesn't quite do justice to my 600gb of music. Yeah, the collection has its own hard drive.

    Everything about the Zune seemed awesome. The software is amazing (especially the way it gets album info automatically and synthesizes tracks from different sources into a single album, which is really useful if most of your collection is stolen/bootlegged). The interface on the hardware is intuitive and simple to navigate. It plays almost any format. I didn't have to sign up for anything or buy my music from the hardware manufacturer in a format that would only work with its products. And its capacity is large enough to fit a lot of my favorites without having to be constantly shuffling tracks on and off the player.

    After getting it set up I gave it a test run and discovered that it sounds like shit. This is unsurprising, as music played without an EQ usually sounds awful (try it on your Winamp player or car stereo if you don't understand the difference).
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    I assumed that a few minutes of shuffling through the available EQ pre-sets or, failing that, fiddling with the bass/treble controls would make it sound good to my ears.

    I hope you are seated. For $250, Microsoft's 120gb most-advanced-ever portable multimedia device does not have EQ pre-sets. It does not have an EQ at all. It does not even have primitive bass/treble controls like one would find on a $9.99 car stereo or a Walkman cassette tape deck from the Reagan years. It has no sound settings of any kind. It has an on/off button. Those are your options: on and off.
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    Incredulous, I called Microsoft to make sure that Ed was not the problem, overlooking simple controls that are right in front of my face. Nope. There aren't any. They removed them when they discovered that most people weren't using them. Well, most people are retards and most people listen to Top 40 Country. Why take away the options for the rest of us?

    The one-and-only sound from the Zune will sound awesome to you if you usually listen to Ruben Studdard albums and/or FM radio. It provides the same overly-compressed, no bass/no treble wall of midrange sludge that one gets on the local Top 40 station. If your idea of listening to music involves unnaturally loud vocals sorta coming through one channel and, somewhere off in the distance under a 20 foot layer of foam insulation, some musical instruments sorta coming through the other channel then the Zune will thrill you. If you like the allegedly cutting highs of Jimmy Page's guitar to be indistinguishable from what is supposed to be the thump of John Bonham's bass drum, the Zune is for you.
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    If you don't like being able to hear individual instruments and like a band to sound like a big blob of indistinct noise, run out and get yourself a Zune post-haste.

    Yes, I suppose it is the buyer's fault for not learning this information prior to purchase, but asking if a $250 mp3 player has a fucking bass/treble control is a little like asking if that new Mercedes comes with tires. A rational consumer could expect to take those things for granted. Microsoft really nailed the Zune in every other area – the software, the ease-of-use, the format friendliness, and so on. It only falls short in sound quality. For a device the purpose of which is to play music, though, that's problematic, somewhat akin to "Other than that, how was the play, Mrs.
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    Lincoln?"

    RESOLVED: CALLING ONE'S BLUFF

    This is the time of year in which we all commit ourselves to losing weight, quitting smoking, writing the great American novel, being a better husband, etc. It's cute how seriously we take ourselves as we pledge to do shit that, really, we know we're not going to do. For most people this is a painless process of pledging, forgetting, and then waiting 12 months to repeat the process. Well, I wrote mine down. Some of you did too, here or elsewhere. How did you do?

    I think I accomplished my overarching goal, which was to avoid having a year as bad as 2007.

    Mission accomplished, Ed. More specifically, though, I laid out a series of goals which culminated in various levels of success and failure. My five resolutions were as follows:

  • 1. Continue to make this blog worthwhile

    Well, I continue to put more effort than I should into this unpaid, unproductive endeavor and the hits keep going up. Mission accomplished.

  • 2. Finishing the dissertation

    I didn't finish, but I did make a substantial amount of progress. So this is a fail but not a total loss.

  • 3. Make progress on one of the book projects

    Yeah, not so much. I find that between this site, the work I get paid to do, and my academic work I don't have a lot of additional energy.

  • 4. Fix broken and strained relationships

    Mixed bag. I am happy to have repaired most of the damage with my significant other. Beyond that I think this is a qualified fail. I put effort into fixing friendships, which is in keeping with the resolution, but it didn't lead to great results. The fact is that there's only so much one person can do. The other party can't be forced or coerced into reciprocating, and I'm not about to resort to begging. Time to let it go, I guess.

  • 5. Staying healthy and being social

    Win. No exotic illnesses and I left my house a lot. I'm even getting slightly better at communicating with other human beings, although my inability to converse about "normal" things isn't getting any better.

    I did get fat, though.

    I can live with these results. Could have been better, could have been worse. So I can put myself under the microscope again in 364 days, here is the list for 2009:

  • No, really. Finish the goddamn dissertation. It won't get me a job in this market, but at least I'll be unemployed with a fancy degree.
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    And for the first time in 30 years I will actually have accomplished something.

  • Cut the cord with people who aren't interested in maintaining relationships with me.
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    It's harmful to one's self-esteem to make a continued effort to engage people who aren't receptive. If you don't care, I don't care. If it's not important to you, I can't let it continue to be important to me.

  • Lose weight. Cliched, but practical. I've gotten too fat for a substantial portion of my wardrobe and I can't afford to buy a new one. This cannot stand. I'm 20 pounds heavier and twice as poor as when I started grad school.

    People who can't afford new clothes should stay in the ones they have.

    I'll keep it simple this year and leave it at that. You?