A VERY SPECIAL FJM FOR MICHAEL STEELE

RNC Chairman Michael Steele sent the following email to the RNC listserve on Tuesday. Despite my explicit desire to spread out the FJM series, this is an opportunity one cannot overlook.

Dear _______,

I hope Arlen Specter's party change outrages you. It should for two reasons:

"Hi, I'm Michael Steele, token black guy and second-in-command to whichever talk radio jackass is leading you people these days. We fucked up – bad. But if your blind, ignorant rage got us into this mess it can certainly get us out! Am I right? Am I right?"

First–Specter claimed it was philosophical–and pointed his finger of blame at Republicans all over America for his defection to the Democrats. He told us all to go jump in the lake today.

Well, you were all really nice to him. This is quite a mystery. Scotland Yard is working on it. Two separate teams working in 12-hour shifts. One of them has a bloodhound.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe a word he said.

Luckily for Senator SuperJowls, it no longer matters whether or not you believe him.

Arlen Specter committed a purely political and self-serving act today. He simply believes he has a better chance of saving his political hide and his job as a Democrat. He loves the title of Senator more than he loves the party–and the principles–that elected him and nurtured him.

This is copied verbatim from the email the RNC sent out when Dick Shelby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell abandoned the Democrats and joined the GOP in 1994. The Republicans responded by refusing to admit those gentlemen to their caucus. Moral outrage knows no partisanship.

Second–and more importantly–Arlen Specter handed Barack Obama and his band of radical leftists

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nearly absolute power in the United States Senate. In leaving the Republican Party–and joining the Democrats–he absolutely undercut Republicans' efforts to slow down Obama's radical agenda through the threat of filibuster.

According to a statistic I just made up, 97% of Americans vehemently oppose the President and his radical plan to steal our guns and fluoridate our water.

Facing defeat in Pennsylvania's 2010 Republican primary due to his left-wing voting record

No, I'd say it's primarily because the Pennsylvania GOP is tiny and unrepresentative of the majority of the voters in the state. You know, the people required to win the general election. The GOP brand name is as marketable as "E.Coli Cafeteria" or "Childrape Daycare Center" up here. His voting record reflects his constituents. They live in Philly and State College and Scranton, not Beaumont, Texas.

and an end to his 30 year career in the U.S. Senate, he has peddled his services–and his vote–to the leftist Obama Democrats who aim to remake America with their leftist plan.

Oh, he didn't do that to help the leftist Obama leftists leftistly enact their leftist plan. He did it for revenge, to stick it in the GOP's ass sans lube. Unless blood counts as lube.

For the RNC, the last step in proofreading documents for release to the media is to have an intern go through and add "leftist" in as many places as possible.

As recently as April 9th, Senator Specter said he would run in the Pennsylvania primary next year as a Republican. Why the sudden change of heart?

Someday they will come for you too, Michael, and then you will understand. Also, I bet being assholes to the man for 25 years had something to do with it.

Clearly, this was an act based on political expediency by a craven politician desperate to keep his Washington power base–not the act of a statesman.

Awesome. Accuse the man of being craven and desperate to keep his Washington power base as a means of criticizing him for undermining the craven GOP's desperate effort to keep its Washington power base.

His defection to the Democrat Party

"-ic". Someone really needs to catch this typo at RNC Headquarters, pictured here:

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puts the Democrats in an almost unstoppable position to pass Obama's destructive agenda of income redistribution, health care nationalization, and a massive expansion of entitlements.

No, the fact that you can't win a Senate seat north of Gatlinburg put the Democrats in that position.

Arlen Specter has put his loyalty to his own political career above his duty to his state and nation.

This is why the GOP strongly opposed Joe Lieberman's independent candidacy. Principle First every time with these people. Also, Arlen Specter's duty is to obstruct the White House and the overwhelming Congressional majority while taking marching orders from backward closet cases in Colorado Springs.

You and I have a choice. Some will use Specter's defection as an excuse to fold the tent and give up.

Fortunately it's a pretty goddamn small tent – one of those 20-ounce ultralight backpacking jobs; I highly recommend Kelty – so it shouldn't take long.

I believe that you are not one of those people.

This is where he begins the Bill Pullman speech from the end of Independence Day. They originally used the "band of brothers" speech from Henry V but found that conservatives don't like things that come from books.

When Benedict Arnold defected to the British, George Washington didn't fold the tent and give up either.

Well, he didn't give up because Arnold's fabled treachery had little military significance and no deterrent effect on Washington's ability to fight. It's exciting to think that the GOP might be adopting a "George Washington strategy" though – complete with 1000 Hessian mercenaries, numerous river fordings, and a nasty outbreak of typhus.

He grit his teeth more determined than ever to succeed. That's what I'm asking you to do today.

Source: an interview with George Washington that I just made up.

Join me in this fight by making a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 right now to build our army of supporters and defeat Democrat candidates like Arlen Specter in next year's elections.

The cash will be used to print signs reading ARLEN SPECTOR – SOCIALEST which will bring his campaign to its knees.

Stand with me. I need your support today.

I'd rather spend my money on organizations with greater odds of success than the GOP. That is why I just bought four Washington Nationals season tickets.

Sincerely,

Michael Steele
Chairman, Republican National Committee

Not for long, Yankee.

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7 Responses to “A VERY SPECIAL FJM FOR MICHAEL STEELE”

  1. J. Dryden Says:

    Funny; I was thinking about the Benedict Arnold betrayal and the actual reasons it happened (as opposed to the official version of events we were taught in grade school, accompanied by pictures of Arnold with horns and a pointy tail.) Arnold was a terrific and devoted military commander who was consistently and thoroughly treated like shit by, among others, Washington and those around him (like Hamilton) who couldn't stand the success of this upstart asshole. So, time and again, they belittled Arnold's accomplishments, denied him much-needed support for key missions (so much for our attempt to add Canada to the U.S.), gave credit for his successes to others, and generally went all-out in making him feel like someone who could do no right. And at a certain point, prodded by his pro-British wife and the many offers of appreciation proffered by the Brits, he finally had enough. Granted, it was treachery and history has, on the whole, treated him as he deserved. But there's still a lesson to be learned: treat your supporters like shit, and they will eventually quit. Arnold was a bastard made, not born–and losing him was a dreadful blow to an army that could ill-afford such a loss. The other obvious difference is that Steele, Delay, Lott, and the other pricks in the GOP power stucture (never mind Limbaugh, Dobson, et al.) are no Washingtons. At worst, this is one asshole in a party of assholes who grew tired of being treated as if he was the *only* asshole. And the "it was nothing we did that alienated him, so we're going to double-down on our assholery because, hey, it's who we are and what the people really want–or *should* want, the morons" strategy is going to be a sheer banquet of schadenfreude for those of us on the other side of the aisle.

  2. blogenfreude Says:

    Somewhere, the heir to the Lipton tea fortune is smiling.

  3. j Says:

    Ha ha ha! I laughed so loud at the picture of Castle Grayskull! Genius.

    And if you want a historically accurate biopic of Washington, here:

  4. John Says:

    I giggle every time a conservobot talking head screams and cries about Specter's title change handing the Democrats their fillibuster-proof majority. It is telling, truly telling, that conservatives cannot conceive of a person not voting straight down party lines. They've been the Party of No for so long that they've forgotten that people exist that vote with their own beliefs, not the beliefs of their party. Do they think that because Specter changed from R-PN to D-PN on his title he'll suddenly do a 180 on all of his beliefs thus far? Do they think he'll suddenly believe EFCA is a wonderful idea?

    Take note how Steele takes quite a while to start even mentioning the people of Pennsylvania. He hates that specter has betrayed THE PARTY, and doesn't care about whether or not he represents the people of his state. Steele is outraged, and wants you to be outraged, that the Republicans just "lost" a mindless rubber-stamp yes-man (or rather, no-man).

    The fact is that Pennsylvania has been re-electing him since 1981. Him changing what banner he runs under doesn't change what he's done for the past 28 years, what Pennsylvania apparently has liked him doing because they haven't voted him out of office.

  5. Sharper Says:

    I'm guessing the Mayberry Machiavellis never got to the part in /The Prince/ that boils down to "instilling hatred is the dumbest political move EVAR."

    Maybe their Little Golden Book version omitted that bit.

  6. Indira Says:

    Hahaha, I love this post…especially the graphics accompanying it!

  7. kc Says:

    So I guess the majority of Americans who voted for Obama and his 'leftist' plans are, by definition, leftists and implementing leftist plans kinda makes sense, wouldn't it? What about that logic isn't the GOP understanding? Oh, nevermind – it's only good if THEY are the ones making the plans…

    The words 'craven', 'hypocrite' and 'monkey balls' come to mind when reading the drivel coming from Mr. Steele and the GOP these days. I think they've scraped right through the bottom of the barrel and are digging their way to China as we speak. Who knows – maybe they'll fit right in with the chinese authoritarian system…