GODDAMN YOU, KEVIN McCULLOUGH

I really want to stop doing FJMs so frequently. Really, honestly, sincerely I do. But I need to do this one. I can rest when I'm dead.

Kevin McCullough is a complete nobody, like 98% of the columnists who clog the cultural greasetrap of TownHall.com. He is the co-host of "XTreme Radio" with…wait for it…Stephen Fucking Baldwin. What, Daniel was busy?

Anyway, Kevin is here to tell us how a real (i.e., not gay) man would treat vapid pageant automaton Carrie Prejean when she expresses herself on the issue of "traditional" marriage. Traditional meaning "better." Like how "traditional" race relations in the US were way better than the new kind. By the end of this journey through "Why Satan's 'Tolerant' Spawn Hate Miss California" I think you will have a better understanding of traditional marriage, gays, and how badly Kevin McCullough needs to be locked in a state-run mental institution before he goes on a murder spree.

DISCLAIMER: In no way should the description of columnist Michael Musto and blogger Perez Hilton in the following piece be understood to apply to all males who engage or are curious about homosexuality.

Oh, this is going to be good. As we can take to the bank the fact that anything prefaced with "Now, I'm not a racist, but…" is certain to be really goddamn racist, a disclaimer like this is the most beautiful form of foreshadowing.

Has anyone seen Carrie Prejean's brother? I'm not even sure if she has one.

The only way this could possibly be relevant is if you were about to argue that…nevermind. He can't possibly be getting ready to imply that she needs a man to protect her. I won't believe it. No man good enough to co-host an internet radio show with Stephen Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ Baldwin could be so foolish.

But I know one thing, when I was in the sixth grade a boy in my school called my sister the name of a female dog, and he literally had a fight on his hands his entire way home that afternoon. His name was Chris Green he didn't even know my sister but in a moment of trying to injure me he called my sister that name.

Let's safely assume that Kevin has a long, long list of people who slighted him in grammar school, complete with Howard Unruh-style notes about the appropriate retaliation for each transgressor.

For the first few blocks my friend Shane and I shadowed him up the street off the junior high campus,

Sounds emotionally healthy so far.

and then when we thought we were outside of school jurisdiction Shane held my stuff while I tackled and then proceeded to punch the living daylights out of the bully who was two grades older than me and a good eighty pounds heavier.

Well, size is negated when one party sucker-punches the other like a coward. Good job, though. GRR! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!!! Kevin McCullough is so fucking tough that the swine flu got him.

About five minutes into it campus security drove up and dragged us back on campus where both of us were sentenced to a week of after school study hall.

"Campus security"?? Where in the hell did you go to 6th grade, Kevin? An oil rig in the Straits of Hormuz? Marion Federal Prison? In The Road Warrior?

It was the only fight I ever participated in my entire educational experience. And it was the last time Chris Green ever brought up my sisters within earshot of me.

online pharmacy xenical no prescription

buy vilitra online newonlineandblo.com no prescription

Violence works! Also, thank God there was a man around to protect your sister from the verbal droppings of a goddamn 11 year-old boy.

Given the fact that Perez Hilton more than a week ago asked Miss Carrie Prejean her opinion and didn't like the result, someone like her brother needs to pay a visit to Perez Hilton and Village Voice columnist Michael Musto and remind them how men are expected to comport in society.

Violently! Comport yourself such that you are ready to lash out – unpredictably and without warning – in explosive bursts of retribution whenever you hear something that displeases you!

There was a day when even the word "prostitute" was not used in mixed company, even to describe women who actually were in fact prostitutes. Manliness constrained their speech, and pseudonyms were substituted like "lady of the night."

I don't even know where the fuck to begin. I'm just going to amuse myself with a ball of twine for a few minutes.

It's understandable that males who prefer women's underwear and their mother's earrings would be jealous of someone like Carrie.

Kevin, it's fair that you speak out so strongly against The Gay since you have such an accurate, well-developed understanding of The Gays. Also, when I have six spare hours, I will put on a sock puppet show explaining how "You're making fun of me because you're jealous" is perhaps the most shameful display of juvenile "logic" that can be employed rhetorically short of yelling "TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE!" or making farting noises with one's armpit.

But it is unacceptable from any person heterosexual or homosexual to abide the types of things these two males have uttered within the last week concerning Miss California. Oh yes, and you can add to that the rather saddest excuse for manhood in prime time cable today Keith Olbermann.

"rather saddest"? Oh, I forgot. We're still doing the RightWingSpeak thing.

Tub flange, doorbell compressor? Beiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiige!

Their criticism was beyond just differing on points of substance. Like pigs they wallowed in rhetorical feces, smeared it on their faces, as well as each others, and then belched it out across the airwaves.

Highly, highly credible criticism from the host of hard-right "X-FUCKIN-TREEEEEEEEEEEME RADIO" with Stephen Slap My Ass and Call Me Napoleon Baldwin. The one who introduced his discussion with a title about "Satan's spawn."

Do tell us, Professor. Do tell. Lecture us on rolling around in rhetorical shit.

(snipping a long string of quotes from Musto and Hilton)

Those little gems stemmed from a two minute interview conducted by Olbermann on his nightly news show in which the big breaking news of someone besides Carrie releasing her medical information was the scheduled topic to be discussed.

Well, it helps to euphemistically refer to "her medical information" rather than mentioning that California pageant officials paid to give her fake tits. Not relevant to her stupidity but, you know, it makes her look like a bigger ingrate for disrespecting the organization by violating her contract and using her position to advance a partisan agenda like a complete hack after they shelled out to help her compete in this twisted spectacle of degradation.

Had Olberman even an ounce of dignity, manhood, or integrity within him he would've cut the interview off and gone to break. But instead the adolescent boy within him kept laughing and going.

Unlike the adolescent boy in Kevin McCullough, who lashes out and kicks some motherfucking ass when he hears things he dislikes!

And here I sit still waiting for even one member of the cable news, or mainstream media circles to formulate an articulate defense of the beautiful, kind, compassionate woman

You forgot vapid and bigoted. Those two are important.

who is being treated this way for simply answering a question honestly.

OK, so answering a question "honestly" is supposed to shield someone from the repercussions of said response? If a reader asks me "Gee Ed, whaddya think about Hitler?" and my response is "He's a great, great man. Too bad we stopped him!" can I sidestep the ensuing furor by feigning Honesty?

Come on, people, I'm just keepin' it real! You can't give me shit for being Honest and telling you My Opinion! The Forcefield of Honesty protects me!

The fact that few men have had visceral reactions to this demonstrates how weak modern feminism has caused men to become.

This is Kevin McCullough's love letter to K-Lo. They can bond over their mutual love of blaming feminism. They can co-author a column blaming feminism for the fact that the children they produce will be hooved.

Simply put Musto and Hilton aren't just men who struggle with some sort of unnatural attraction to other males. They aren't even, for that matter, males that practice sexual behavior with other males that mind their own business and aren't out to upend the entirety of the free world.

THE GAY AGENDA

1. Upend entirety of free world
2. Wear panties
3. Wear mom's jewelry
4. Convert children
5. Bugger said children
6. Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous parades!
7. Be legally recognized as human beings

Source: Stephen Goddamn Battle Hymn of the Republic Baldwin

Musto and Hilton are angry hateful males who have no concept of what manhood is. They are jealous of Carrie for the confidence she exudes, the kindness she genuinely expresses, and for the kind of men she is able to attract.

Of all the claims laid against Mr. Hilton and Mr. Musto, I'm pretty sure that accusing them of being jealous of the amount of ultraconservative cock Ms. Prejean can attract is the most ludicrous. I mean, is there ANYONE – even straight ultraconservative women – who thinks of Neil Cavuto, Ron Paul, or Jonah Goldberg as the dream lay? Something tells me Mr. Hilton is not hurting for male companionship and doesn't spend many nights alone wishing that he could slowly motorboat Rush Limbaugh's crenulated buttocks.

(Note: the above discussion excludes world-renowned gay icon Stephen Sweet Quivering Balls of the Blessed Virgin Baldwin)

Undoubtedly the tempers in the men who have said and expressed these diabolical statements stems from a deep and abiding hurt in their life that needs to be dealt with in mercy and kindness.

And punching.

But that still doesn't give them or any of the other hateful haters who hate out there

If one attempted to explain alliteration to a three year old, he or she would probably try the concept by repeating the same word. I mean, little kids just don't understand literary devices. Now, I'm not implying that Kevin McCullough is as good of a writer as a three year old, but Kevin McCullough is as good of a writer as a three year old.

the right to rhetorically bludgeon the name and reputation of a decent woman for answering a question honestly.

I honestly believe that someone should find Kevin McCullough's home address and burn his house to the ground after barricading all of the exits.

online pharmacy flexeril no prescription

Forcefield of Honesty! This is an excellent legal defense. It will certainly hold up in court.

In my world growing up my mother made sure that I understood several things.

I'd say "several" is an excellent estimate of the number of things you understand, Shooter.

You always hold the door open for the ladies to go first.

Well, I prefer to hold the door open for whatever people I happen to be with. I don't see the need to discriminate. Sometimes, if I'm not the first person to reach a door, a woman holds the door for me.

Tell me I didn't just blow your fucking mind, Kev!

You never hit a woman.

I'd add "or men," but that might seem a little too gay to Kevin.

And you never speak to her in coarseness and filth.

Fine. What's the Emily Post-approved way to tell this dipshit to lean forward and blow it directly out her puckered asshole?

In the anonymity of a television studio, or the safety of a bedroom webcam,

Or from the safety of a syndicated column.

Musto and Hilton feel they can rhetorically rape the heart and soul of Carrie Prejean.

Kevin, you just raped logic.

What they are doing, K-Mac, is pointing out that someone in her position probably shouldn't be a racist, or a sexist, or an anti-Semite, or particularly unfond of Belgians. See, paegeants are disgusting anachronisms from an era best forgotten. But. BUT. If we accept the fact that they continue to exist and some women choose to participate, we can objectively agree that such a "position" should be used for the general good. You know, raising money for Jerry's Kids. Saving pandas. Telethons for pediatric AIDS. School books for kids in Ghana. It's not an invitation to become Trent Lott. She wasn't elected to office. She was declared the "winner" of a contest to see who could most completely conform to an idealized version of 1950s womanhood.

But friend, that's just pure evil. You simply do not treat a lady like that… ever. Especially if they have a big brother.

To quote Beavis, are you threatening me? Holy shit are you a creep, Kevin.

I feel like I'm reading John Hinckley's letter to Jodie Foster, a desperate attempt to impress Miss California with his toughness, feats of strength, manliness, intellect, agility, and Godliness. If he's as persuasive in the romantic sense as he is at political rhetoric, I have a feeling that they'll be married soon.

19 thoughts on “GODDAMN YOU, KEVIN McCULLOUGH”

  • ChimericMouse says:

    For heaven's sake, don't stop doing FJMs. Don't even slow down.

    This is wonderful stuff. This is exactly the kind of stuff that I would write, if I had a popular blog. And, you know, talent.

  • Thank you for providing a much-needed break from cramming for finals! I'm just so totally speechless now. I read some of the comments on the townhall website and I feel like I need to pop a couple of adderall. One thing that's been repeated not just in the comments but in the MSM has been the idea that Ms. California's views aren't different from Obama's, so why the furor? The thing that McCullough and his peeps don't understand is that it is ok to be intolerant. I doubt any of us can definitively say we're completely tolerant. The issue is, do you want public policy created on the basis of that intolerance? Yeah, personal beliefs are all well and good but when they pervade the public space and lead to the creation of discriminatory policies, that's a HUGE problem. Anyway, great post!

  • "…pageants are disgusting anachronisms from an era best forgotten." I could't agree more, I was reading how the pageant flacks were yapping about how they helped her with her boob job, saying "They all do it, some even use chicken cutlets." How sick, I don't even want to know how they are using raw chicken meat to augment thier breasts. It must get pretty rank under the hot lights.

    How anyone could take this woman's opinion seriously is beyond me. She's a freaking blow up doll riding her body to fame and fortune. It would be interesting to see a profile of just who finds these circuses interesting. Red state entertainment, anyone? That's wholesome family entertainment!

  • I particularly liked "…struggle with some sort of unnatural attraction to other men."

    'Professional' columns are certainly the place to be dropping the voodoo-like mysticism that explains homosexuality as this strange, unknowable, 'unnatural' thing. And to assume that people 'struggle' with it. Wasn't he spending the column basically blasting them for not being real, bonafied, 100% USDA Grade-A Manly Men™? Didn't he openly insult one of them for wearing "women's underwears and his mother's earrings"?

    Seems to me that people being portrayed that stereotypically as flaming gays wouldn't be 'struggling' with anything. The column comes across with that condescending 'oh those simple savages!' tone from the 50s, strangely in-line with the mindset that takes pageants seriously in the first place.

  • Well, disregarding the old, old "North vs South" disconnect in attitude about what constitutes "manliness" and "honor" (kind of like how Japanese and Europeans experienced culture shock trying to understand each other's attitudes, only with less blood), what we've got here appears to be the typical right-wing fascination with the "good old days" when Nathan Bedford Forrest could kill a man with a pen-knife over a slight on his honor. That NBF would almost certainly regard these blustery pussies as pussies barely worthy of contempt doesn't even cross their minds. These are the guys who hoo-rawed for a war against the dirty heathen, but always 'had better things to do' than actually enlist themselves, unlike the men they profess to idolize. Words are reality to these overgrown 10-year-olds – as long as they don't personally have to back them up or take any responsibility for them.
    Please keep dissecting them; if you had a weekly column in any print medium, I'd subscribe. Unfortunately, the only columnists left that meet with the approval of newspaper editors/owners are either fluff-mongers, Serious, Polite, Thoughtful Pipe-smokers Who Gravely See All Sides Of A Problem But Side With The Adults, or addle-brained voice-hearers who lost contact with objective reality somewhere around the age of 12. Oh, occasionally one or two shrill hippy-types are patronizingly allowed to spout their chilidish nonsense, but nobody really pays attention to them.

  • What I find to be a fairly interesting Gedankenspiel is what would the Wingnuts be saying if she said something along the lines of "I don't think that we as a nation should discriminate based on sexual preference and everyone should be allowed to be married." I'm sure good ol' K-Mac would have a flaming shit attack and threaten her by hating the hate that she lacks.

    Or something.

  • Okay, as unpleasent as the prospect is, would someone look at K-Mac's picture?

    I am not looking to attack him about this, but does K-Mac (thanks, Ed!) have a skull deformity? I am just curious because I am wondering if his anger has its roots in alienation.

  • While I think this made an excellent post, how on earth were you able to choose this article out of the vast array of nonsense this guy has written?

    "Why Obama hates the poor"
    "Obama as Hitler" ?!? in which he writes:

    "In today’s scenario Obama wants doctors to exterminate “lesser humans” for the purpose of immediate solutions to his social experiment. And he wishes them to do so regardless of whether or not they are compelled by the higher call of morality on an individual basis.

    Put another way Obama's policy shift would be the equivalent of forcing those who believed slavery to be immoral and never even owned slaves, to begin purchasing them, beating them, raping them, and exploiting them."

    There are months worth of material there.

  • I suspect that the "hateful haters who hate" line was a neo-con riff on Franken's "Lies and the Lying Liars" title. Admittedly, it's not topical, or funny, or…wait, by pointing out that one part of this hateful screed is slightly less brainless than other parts, am I in any way defending this guy? Because if I am–I need to go take a lye-based shower.

  • I tried reading the comments field to McC's peculiar screed, but when one of his defenders attacked a critical commenter for 'ad hominem' attacks, my irony meter exploded. I'm off to the repair shop.

    Seriously, though, http://www.muscleheadrevolution.com? This man is not prone to fits of introspection, is he? Just wondering.

  • If Kevin wants to wet himself, he can come see a whole lot of people. This is simple macho posturing, since he has nothing else that can be said. You hit the nail on the head that the only fighting he'll ever do is from behind – typical cowardly behavior. What a tool.

    Anyway, as an aside, since I've read some of the Anti-Rand bits here, I figured I'd use this comment to bring up this bit from Michael Shermer, who thinks "Atlas Shrugged to be a remarkable book" rather than a piece of selfish tripe – http://skepticblog.org/2009/05/05/how-i-became-a-libertarian/

  • Just a nitpick: Olbermann couldn't have "gone to break" early, since it was the last segment with no further breaks. I suppose he could have thrown to Rachel early, though, and wouldn't Kevin have appreciated that.

  • Do not, I repeat, do not stop the FJMs. I just re-read some of the inspirational original FireJoeMorgan because I can't get enough.

  • So I just got robocalled by Miss California herself, seeking my sympathy and asking me if I was registered to vote. Seriously?!? Since when do people actually care about what some vapid beauty queen thinks

  • It's a shame we live in a country where unemployment is as high as it is and this guy has a job. I've read racist youtube comments with more clarity than that "column."

  • babe vigoda says:

    wow, looks like the lamest baldwin, in a desperate attempt to appear less doouche-y himself, has partnered up with quite a buffoon. i wonder if they fight over the button that plays the fart sound.

  • I really hate Kev McPillock, or whatever his sodding name is. Happy Mass Effect 2 day, Kevin. You pillock.

Comments are closed.