I WANT TO MARRY A LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER

(note: Throughout this entry please do as I have been doing for an hour: hum "I want to be a right-wing pundit" to the tune of "I want to marry a lighthouse keeper.")

I am becoming a right winger and changing the format of this blog. My style of argumentation will be changing – perhaps even changing radically – but it's going to be so much easier on me. Harder on you, because everything I write will be terrible, but so long as it saves me time I don't care. Ayn Rand is beaming with pride from beyond the grave.

I have been inspired to make this abrupt change by Dan Riehl, one of the internet's most consistently idiotic bags-o'-dicks finest sources of reasoned political rhetoric, and his recent musings on murdered Census-taker Bill Sparkman. Dan is a to-the-point kind of guy, so he helpfully entitles the piece "Was Census Worker Bill Sparkman a Child Predator?" for readers short on time. Then he reassures the skeptical reader that he has "done a fair amount of crime blogging mixed in with politics over time. One doesn't rule anything in or out without some firm answers" to remind us that he has expertise and knows of what he speaks.

Taking a cue from Riehl, I'm going to helpfully summarize the argument in case you don't have the time to learn all there is to be learned from it.

  • 1. What if he was? He might have been. (i.e., "Everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this novel presupposes is, maybe he didn't?")
  • 2. All I'm doing is bringing up a possible explanation. Nothing at all should be implied from my immediate leap to "child molester" among the literal millions of things I could have leaned forward and pulled directly out of my puckered ass.
  • 3. We are being irresponsible if we let social mores prevent us from speculating. The Liberal Media could learn a thing or two here. Maybe if they were more willing to make shit up and say it on air they would be better at their jobs.
  • 4. He didn't have a full-time job, a wife, or kids. Two words: KID FUCKER. (Note: he had kids. Nice reporting, Dan!)
  • 5. He was a substitute teacher but didn't have "a teaching degree." (Note: Except for his Bachelor's Degree in Education from Western Governors University. OK, that's an online school, but it's accredited, and he completed the degree requirements. You win at reporting, Riehl-dawg!)
  • 6. He was an Eagle Scout. Why would anyone be in the Boy Scouts unless they wanted to finger kids?

    The only question is how I'm going to spend all of the additional free time this technique will provide. I may trouble myself to churn out a 180 page right-wing best seller over a weekend, but I think I can better serve humanity by applying my sleuthing skills to more crimes. Wait, I no longer give a shit about serving humanity. The book will be on the shelves by October. Email me to reserve an early copy of The Great Fingering: Obama's Army of Preverts and their Plan to Touch Your Child's Bathing Suit Area.

    (Thanks, S,N! You get a free copy of the hardcover)

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  • 12 Responses to “I WANT TO MARRY A LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER”

    1. J. Dryden Says:

      Ed's onto something; I'd like to climb aboard and become a prominent neo-con 'voice'–that way, should I perform heinous shit that would otherwise earn me the violent contempt of otherwise sane people–to wit, fucking children, I will have an automatic coterie of defenders who will explain in hysterical tones that A. the victims weren't really 'kids' because, let's face it, they were poor and were therefore most likely on crack and/or government aid, and B. the kids probably wanted it, so really, I'm the victim here, and C. this is all a liberal smoke-screen to disguise the fact that ACORN is probably up to something shenanigan-ish, and why aren't we focusing on what matters? That poor census-taking bastard; if only he'd understood the rules and established himself as a self-proclaimed 'right-wing-terrorist', he'd be a candidate for Mount Rushmore.

    2. Daniel Says:

      Move over Columbo…Riehl is in town!!!!

    3. Daniel Says:

      If Riehl makes more than 12 dollars a week doing what he does I'm done. There's no point in trying to get ahead in this world in this despicable motherfucker is pulling in any cash for his clusterfuck of a blog. At this point, anyone can do anything for money. What if I sat outside of a McDonald's and sold feces in a jar? Is that acceptable behavior? No!! Of course it isn't acceptable. This fuck-face is selling his shit in a jar. People on his blog, albeit dumbass nut-scratchers, are defending his right to accuse a murder victim of being a pedophile with no evidence to back this up. What if I created a blog fully and 100% dedicated to accusing Riehl of raping dogs? I have no evidence, but ohhh buddy there are red flags!!! You can't rule it out!! You can't disprove it!!

    4. Aslan Maskhadov Says:

      Recently I was wondering what would happen if I came back to America for a year, used a fake resume, and got a job as a local right-wing pundit. I wouldn't be able to take the time off in reality, but I think if someone over there wanted to try an amazing social experiment(think Third Wave), I would be happy to advise.

      Basically it goes like this: Become a right-wing pundit and begin to rival Michael Savage in terms of batshit insanity. This may sound easy to y'all progressives, but actually it takes finesse. Ed seems to grasp that very well with this article. Basically you build an audience, see how many ghost-written books you can right, and then one day, when you just can't take it anymore, you drop the hammer on your audience, live on the air. You read them things you said in the past, and callers' words, and you berate them for ever having held such idiotic ideas. You hold your ground in the studio until security tosses your ass out. How glorious it would be!

      Any takers?

    5. beau Says:

      Aslan, I've been waiting for Hitchens to do something like this for years…

    6. cyntax Says:

      (Note: he had kids. Nice reporting, Dan!)

      By now, we all know that facts have a liberal bias, so why bother with them? You can prove anything that's remotely true with facts. Facts shmacks.

    7. Parrotlover77 Says:

      I did some research and I've come to the conclusion that Dan Riehl regularly has sexual relations with donkeys. First, he has visited a petting zoo before. Who visits petting zoos other than animal fuckers? Second, he never said where he was when cows were being mutilated in the 90s. Aliens? No. It's Dan Riehl, donkey fucker. Clearly. Finally, he never once has denied fucking donkeys, despite having a national stage to do so on a daily basis. QED.

    8. Desargues Says:

      He's probably working on that "book" himself as we speak. Nil desperandum, though; you can still churn out thick tracts exploring other avenues, which may be legitimately contemplated, because not yet conclusively disproved:

      1) He could have been killed by a mob of negro young bucks desperate that Republicans have been pushing hard to take away those Cadillacs from the welfare queens in their midst, the public dole checks from their baby mommas, and the T-bone steaks from themselves.

      2) Have you considered the possibility that a bunch of roving feminazis bumped into him and decided to exact bloody revenge on a representative of institutionalized white phallocracy?

      3) For all we know, he could have been cruising the woods of Kentucky looking for anonymous gay sex with multiple partners. Upon discovering that he worked for a government that denies them the right to marry, said orgiastic gay terrorists chose to make an example of him.

      I mean, for Dan Riehl, there are conceivable possibilities, right?

    9. Desargues Says:

      Parrotlover: your research only confirms the inevitable: farm animals do copulate with their kin.

    10. Evan Says:

      Wildcat was written in a kind of… obsolete vernacular, after all. Wildcat…. rawr.

    11. BillCinSD Says:

      Luckily the Washington Post is soliciting for new right wing commentators

    12. Prudence Says:

      I have, in lazier moments, wondered if I could manage a combined Malkin/Coulter persona– i.e don a cocktail dress at inappropriate hours and spout insane, inaccurate rhetoric. Those bitches rake in some serious moolah, certainly enough to keep Malkin's gimpy house-husband happy, and Coulter in peroxide and jockstraps. Why not me?