CHECK. MATE.

It starts innocently enough. Wingnut columnist living in his mother's basement and cranks out column entitled "Right Wing Women Rock," which we assume is a paean to Awesome, Strong Conservative Princesses like, I don't know, Sarah Palin. Ann Coulter. Etc. You know the drill. This column practically writes itself. But Ian Robinson wrote it anyway.

Could be our slogan: Come for the culture war … stay for the chicks. Right-wing women rock.

That is the worst slogan I have ever seen, including Taco Bell's infamous "Taco Bell: It'll Make You Shit!tm" ad campaign.

Not for us the sturdy, honest calves of the New Democrat/Green Party female, honed on eco-tourist rainforest hikes. Those legs are often on unfortunate display, extending from a knee-length tweed skirt as hairy as the legs themselves, and end in a pair of Birkenstocks.

Ah, so this isn't about "right wing women" rocking so much as it is an excuse to trot out the tired stereotypes of hairy, acid-dropping left wing floozies. Great.

I have yet to see a pair of Birkenstock women's shoes that didn't look like part of the required uniform for police SWAT teams. Sensible shoes are one thing … quite another to don a pair that look like they're meant for rappelling down the sides of buildings with a Heckler & Koch sniper rifle slung over your shoulder.

Now it's about shoes. I'm fucking confused.

The primary reason our womenfolk are at war with the looming spectre of the nanny state is because you can't buy Jimmy Choos in a socialist paradise. The only sensible footwear you'll find in a right-wing woman's closet are the Nike cross-trainers that go with her gym membership. Everything else has a three-inch heel. Minimum.

It could not be more painfully obvious that Ian Robinson has never spoken to an actual woman without first giving his credit card number, and thus he is basing this entirely on what he imagines a real live woman would be like as he gazes at his Megan McArdle 8×10 and furiously touches himself.

Left-wing drabs recycle. Right-wing women shop — and the government measures how much they shop every month to find out whether we're still in a recession. Basically, the world economy depends on right-wing women buying shoes.

OK. Is this a joke?

You never hear a right-wing woman break out statistics pointing out that only 25% of elected offices in Canada are held by women, and then whining about it.

This may be a cultural difference, because America's "right wing women" have created a very profitable industry based on whining!

No. A right-wing woman wants to get elected, she runs for office. If she wins, great. If she loses … well, there's always more shoe shopping.

No, seriously, is this a fucking joke?

A right-wing woman hits the gym, swings past Sobey's and has dinner on the table by the time you get home … while her left-wing counterpart is still stuck in traffic listening to Sarah McLachlan on her iPod and feeling morally superior about her carrot choices. And when that plate of food is put in front of you by the right-wing hottie you had the good sense to marry, it will be 100% tofu-free. If you're lucky, she just remembered to buy steak and forgot about the carrot entirely.

We are so far into Ian Robinson's lonely night jerk-off fantasies I feel like this should be accessible only to people over 18. Seriously, if you listen very carefully you can actually hear him pounding away on his sad little crank.

Right-wing women have traditional families, so they want to raise them themselves … or at the very least by a nanny they've vetted, rather than abdicating that responsibility to the state. They know that the good life costs money … so they're not sure why the average Canadian is handing — on average! — half their income to smarmy government apparatchiks who spend it mostly on stupid crap.

Haw haw! The gub'mint is stupid! If only we let Ian Robinson's dominatrix fantasy idealized woman run the country! She'd balance the budget and have a steaming hot dinner on the table by 6:00!

Because most of them have careers and work hard, they understand the value of a dollar, allowing you a steak lifestyle on a hamburger income … and they know they can spend their family's money more intelligently than some faceless bureaucrat with a passion for public art or totalitarian city planning.

So what exactly do men do in this world, Ian, other than (presumably) work a little and get like nine BJs per day from their Cato Institute Goddess-Wife?

If they can tell their kid he can't have the newest Xbox upgrade and make it stick … if they can make a husband understand it makes more sense to put money in an RRSP than going to the Super Bowl with the guys every year … if they can pull all that off, then fixing health care shouldn't be too big a stretch.

See? Forget elections, let's just ask mommies.

Well, not all women who have children and families. Just the ones who read, obey, and slavishly adhere to the stereotypes of white male conservative columnists. The good thing, though, is that I don't see this column getting any worse.

And in case you're not convinced, to indicate the utter superiority of the right-wing woman over the left-wing variant … just turn on The View. The left has Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg. We've got Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Checkmate.

For fuck's sake.

This is wrong on so many levels I know not where to begin. Let's start by stooping to Ian's level. Not that it's even remotely relevant to anything, but Elisabeth Hasselbeck looks like an old catcher's mitt. If you're going to make the idiotic argument that her appearance is somehow relevant – to anything – at least pick someone whose leathery face doesn't bear the scars of a thousand cosmetic surgeries (which I guess all women will be getting to please men in IanWorld!). Second, of what relevance is the comparison of a 30 year old to two 60 year olds on the same show? I mean, if we reeeeally thought about it we could probably find a few examples of liberal celebrities who are just a bit more attractive than any of Fox's puppet/newscaster/martial aid drones – not to mention an aged Whoopi Goldberg. Third, let's summarize Ian Robinson's argument on the superiority of Right Wing Women:

1. They are infinitely more attractive than Ian Robinson's comically stupid and fratboy-like mental image of a "left wing woman," who can barely be tolerated what with all the leg hair, the foul odor, and the inane prattling about carrots.

2. They have more shoes and they are all uncomfortable heels, ergo they are better at…something.

3. Ian Robinson has never met a woman. His employer apparently thinks it is appropriate in light of this fact to allow him to vent his rage at all the "left wing women" who rejected his crude, sexist come-ons over the past few decades.

4. They are frugal to accommodate their prodigious shoe shopping and steak-dinner-providing, thus they should be asked to solve all of the country's problems.

5. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is hotter than 60 year old Whoopi Goldberg, hence Ian rests the living shit out of his case.

Well, makes sense to me! Can I be a Professional Newspaper Writer too?

(pre-posted at the Putz)

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26 Responses to “CHECK. MATE.”

  1. J. Dryden Says:

    I think this column falls into the category of false irony. That is, something that is meant completely and utterly sincerely, but is delivered in a "just kidding" tone of voice/prose, thus cloaking the speaker/writer in the defense of "I was just being humorous–can't you take a joke?" Robinson isn't joking, though. He means every word of this coughed-up dog's breakfast of unresolved Mommy issues. (Limbaugh pulls the same bullshit wimpout every time he protests that hey, he's just an entertainer!) We're being pimped out GOP women as, I presume, a payoff for going along with the social policies of the party. Much like suicide bombers are promised that, in heaven, they will get laid. Some things are too infuriating to make you mad–things like this just make you ill to your soul.

  2. daphne Says:

    If a joke's funny only when it's based in truth (and by "truth" I mean present-day reality, not once-there-might-have-been-but-the-tiniest-shred-of-reality-if-you-look-hard-enough-and-don't-mind-the-overgeneralizations reality), then the only thing to laugh at in this column is the writer. Not to mention, and I will, that Gloria Steinem was a Playboy bunny.

    Checkmate indeed.

  3. Daniel Says:

    Ian Robinson is a douche. Bazinga! That column sounded like a drunken Facebook status update from a serial rapist.

  4. ladiesbane Says:

    Sigh. Left-wing women tend to resent stereotypes, while right-wing women aspire to them?

    Ian was warped by an Enjoli ad as a child. He might fantasize about being dominated by a size-three mommy-bot who looks like a poor example of taxidermy, but what does he have to offer HER?

  5. Nick Says:

    HA! Women like SHOES! And COOKING! Silly females. But we need them to clean our houses and make dinner, am I right fellas?

  6. Aslan Maskhadov Says:

    Wow, Ian. Just..fucking…WOW. I have more appropriate title for his article: "My Name's Ian and I am a VEEERY Frustrated Virgin."

  7. Emily Says:

    "Let’s start by stooping to Ian’s level. Not that it’s even remotely relevant to anything, but Elisabeth Hasselbeck looks like an old catcher’s mitt."

    This level is beneath you, I'm pretty sure. Contradicting Robinson's notion of how "hot" Hasselbeck is not helpful. I note that you admit that it is not "even remotely relevant," so why mention it at all?

  8. Prudence Says:

    I cannot say, from a male perspective, if Hasselbeck is attractive or no, but I can tell you she makes me want to bash one of our respective heads into a solid surface every time she speaks. I also think she's insulting to right wing women too, deep down. Like Coulter, that ghoulish attention-whore. And Malkin, America's shriekiest anchor baby.

  9. OneMadClown Says:

    "This level is beneath you, I’m pretty sure. Contradicting Robinson’s notion of how “hot” Hasselbeck is not helpful. I note that you admit that it is not “even remotely relevant,” so why mention it at all?"

    Apparently you STILL didn't qualify your statement enough to ward off the humorless dildo* contingent, Ed.

    *"humorless dildo" appears courtesy of the S,N! commentariat. I am aware of all internet traditions.

  10. Kulkuri Says:

    What's interesting is that there are some who are fighting the Dirty Fucking Hippies who weren't even born when there were actual hippies. Not sure if this is the case here, but it is something I have noticed.

    The guy has a real shoe fetish!! Does he sniff them or just come in them??

  11. John Says:

    Keep in mind when reading his column though, that this is the same right wing that believe Ann Coulter is a legitimate source of political commentary. These "right-wing women" he so idolizes with backwards stereotypes are the same women that happily identify with a movement that considers Coulter's opinion worth presenting — a woman who has openly stated that women should have their right to vote revoked.

    Maybe they really are as self-loathing as he claims?

  12. waldo Says:

    Let’s start by stooping to Ian’s level.

    Even when I was young and supple I couldn't stoop that low.

  13. Shane Says:

    The comments on the article are perhaps even more disturbing that the article itself. The republican women who applaud him for getting it so right just make me want to weep.

  14. comrade x Says:

    May I make a comment on something that isn't a generalization? Right- wing columnists are a creepy set and their ravings about anything female reveal some deep psychosexual trauma.
    Yucka- pucka.

  15. Daniel Says:

    BTW Ann Coulter's column profile pic looks the mugshot of a woman who left her kid in the parking lot of a Walmart in August. I know quite a few twentysomething Republican men rub themselves with vigor whenever they come across the next Coulter coaster of a book, but I don't feel bad taking potshots at a shrill bitch like Coulter.

  16. Daniel Says:

    like*

  17. Desargues Says:

    He soudns like his only knowledge of left-leaning women is from reruns of American Dad! But this leaves the daft lad with a bit of a conundrum. Right-wing bombshells won't be caught dead next to a sad loser like him, much less "cook him a steak" or give him a blow-job. And now, after his nasty hatchet job of a piece, not even the most charitable hairy-ankled, bebirkenstocked lefty chick would even consider mercy-fucking his sorry ass. Guess it's time to break out the chastity ring — again!!!

    To channel my inner Henry Fairlie, this farm animal reminds everyone that conservatism is just one long, dimwitted grouch at the twentieth century.

    But I'm mystified by his contention that furious shopping for Jimmy Choos revives the economy of America.

  18. EcoRI Says:

    Am I the only one who thought the mental image of a Birkenstock-clad hiker girl rappelling down the side of a building with an H&K strapped to her back was actually kind of hot?

    Maybe it's just me.

  19. Desargues Says:

    What kind of a person knows things like Heckler and Cock and shit?

  20. Wauwatosa Whacko Says:

    I dated a right-wing woman once. She was very attractive and an animal in the sack. Massive daddy issues. I was forwarded a clip of her on national television talking about the importance of morality and the strong cultural conservatism of my former state. It made me laugh my ass off, plus Obama carried the state.

    I also keep in rare touch with two former right-wing chicks, both massively fucked in the head and who have, combined, probably slept with enough guys to fill FedEx.

  21. D.N. Nation Says:

    Let us explore the manly manliness of wingnut men, shall we?

    - Glenn Reynolds
    - Hugh Hewitt
    - Don Surber
    - Erick Erickson
    - Michael Barone
    - Jay Ambrose
    - Jonah Goldberg
    - Thomas Sowell
    - Ben Shapiro
    - Bob Owens
    - Ed Morrisey
    - Chris Muir
    - Michael Ramirez
    - Brent Bozell

    I mean, do I really need to go on? Just *picturing* these people is enough laffs to last you the weekend.

  22. Ecks Says:

    [peers into wife's shoe closet].

    Shit. Is she secretly right wing?

  23. Jenz Says:

    Gotta wonder – if right wing women are so good in the sack, why are all the republicans getting caught in cemetaries with strippers, dead in a wet suit with a dildo up their @$$, etc.?

  24. jazzbumpa Says:

    Holy Shit. Somehow, I missed this way back on the 29th.

    Ed – How do you find these things? And how do you have the tenacity to wade through them.

    I am so fucking impressed!

    Cheers!
    JzB

  25. jp Says:

    *Maybe they really are as self-loathing as he claims?*

    Dawn Eden. I rest my case.

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