2009 GINANDTACOS.COM COCKSUCKER OF THE YEAR: MICHELLE BACHMANN
Minnesota is a nice state. Really, it is. I feel compelled to mention this only because for the second year in a row a Minnesotan has emerged from a crowded field to claim the coveted CotY.
Back in 2006 I had to make a decision: either this award would go to Joe Lieberman every single year, in which case I might as well just name it the Lieberman Trophy, or I could recognize that Joe Lieberman is and forever shall be the biggest cock-chugger on the face of the Earth and move on to other deserving candidates. There's little doubt that Joe earned it in 2009 like he earns it every year, but for the sake of variety let's just say he has won a lifetime achievement award and move on. It's not like Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann didn't do enough to wrestle the Golden Dildo from Holy Joe's withered, duplicitous mouth.
Michelle Bachmann is the new It Girl of Teabagging – the combination sex symbol / Great Conservative Leader for people who think Sarah Palin is a bit soft and a little too book-smart. Bachmann, like her good friend President Obama, leapt from the state senate to national prominence with astonishing speed, and for good reason. Picture the average Bush-era Republican – Jim DeMint or someone like that – only absolutely barking mad. Picture some sort of teabagger Voltron assembled from a collection of lesser teabaggers. Imagine if a crowd of teabaggers was boiled, their vapors collected and distilled into a single, pure vessel of all the world's batshittery. Michelle stands apart, not only because she is so utterly and unabashedly bonkers but because she actually believes the kind of crap D-list talk radio personalities cynically spout in the quest for ratings. Mark Twain once said that we should picture the intelligence of the average American, and then remember that half of them aren't even that smart. Michelle Bachmann is the official Representative of that bottom half.
"I am fucking insane."
Like all great specimens of pure Bircherite insanity, Bachmann forces us to ask repeatedly, "Is this idiot for real?" It is a reasonable question inasmuch as it is difficult for most people to believe that any one political figure could be so stunningly wrong on every single issue without fail. Bachmann achieves that special, comical level of stupidity that seems to go out of its way to distort reality on those rare instances in which she has any contact with reality at all. There are a lot of wingnuts but none of them are able to go Peak Wingnut across the entire issue spectrum quite like Michelle. Seriously, just pick an issue, any issue, and you can guarantee that Michelle will hop in the Wingnutmobile and mash the accelerator to the floor. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and stamina to churn out that kind of these-go-to-11 insanity every damn day.
Evolution? Need to teach it in public schools. Pell Grants? Not on Michelle's watch. The Pope? Michelle's church teaches that ol' Benedict is the antichrist (as is Obama, so I guess there can be two). Light bulbs? Light bulbs??? Yep, she voted against phasing out incandescents in favor of CFs. ANWR? Drill that motherfucker. Congress itself? Why, it's crawling with people of questionable loyalty to the United States. Where's McCarthy when you need him? Paranoid internet conspiracy theories about a "one world" currency? It's a very important issue to Congresswoman Bachmann. The Census? Nothing but a giant conspiracy by ACORN to get your personal information. Cap and trade? Minnesotans need to be "armed and dangerous on this issue of the energy tax because we need to fight back." After all, "having a revolution every now and then is a good thing." AmeriCorps? A front for mandatory service and "re-education camps for young people." (hilarious side note: her son, who hates her, joined AmeriCorps). Tim Pawlenty? Marxist. Gays and lesbians? Why, they're recruiting your children! Health care reform? Well…
This cannot pass. What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn't pass.
Umm…
Yeah. As bizarre as this sort of rant might seem, it's really just par for Bachmann's crazy, crazy course. It's hard to point to a single moment at which Michelle unhinged her jaw like a snake and swallowed the massive phallus of indignity to claim this year's award as her own, although any one of her continuous calls for armed revolution might fit the bill. Bachmann's award-winning year is more about reliability; no matter what issue becomes salient or what events transpire we can rely on her to represent the lunatic fringe. You can set your watch by her consistent, surreal insanity. And that counts for something in my book.
Perhaps the real cocksucker is an America that would elect and idolize someone so transparently bonkers. But awards of this magnitude don't go to vaguely defined groups, they go to individuals who go above and beyond the call of duty in their chosen field. Michelle Bachmann's field is being a cocksucker, an insane one at that. Her David Icke-like worldview and that vacant, ten-thousand yard cult leader stare she does so well really help her stand out in a world so rife with cocksuckers. Congratulations, 2009 CotY Michelle Bachmann. You are an asshole nonpareil.
Tags: COTY
December 31st, 2009 at 1:03 am
God bless you, even though I don't believe in God.
December 31st, 2009 at 1:28 am
Bob Dornan lives! Bob Dornan lives!
Good call, Ed. (Though "Evolution? Need to teach it in public schools" strikes me as a typo.)
December 31st, 2009 at 2:24 am
Well-deserved, I must say.
This bit was pure poetry: "Picture some sort of teabagger Voltron assembled from a collection of lesser teabaggers. Imagine if a crowd of teabaggers was boiled, their vapors collected and distilled into a single, pure vessel of all the world's batshittery."
Also, good thing you didn't award it to Rush Limbaugh ಠ_ಠ
December 31st, 2009 at 2:32 am
What portends for Michelle after 2010: Assuming she wins reelection and the census results in the loss of one house seat for the state, redistricting will leave her facing a bridge too far to stay in the house. She's already planting seeds as the victim of a Democrat census conspiracy (in Minnesota its actually the DFL: Democratic Farmer Labor party) so she can then either run against Amy Klobuchar in 2012 or for Governor in 2014.
The thing about Minnesota's politics: We have no aversion towards outsider candidates. Wellstone, Ventura and McCarthy are the most prominent examples but so is Ellison and the multiple attempts to run Patty Wetterling for the seat Bachmann holds. Norm Coleman had no chance of winning in 2002 if Wellstone hadn't died.
Bachmann's district is tailor-made for Republicans and Blue Dogs (Vin Webber, Bill Luther) and its about to go the way of the dodo.
December 31st, 2009 at 3:53 am
I got excited for a second because I thought you said 'voltorb' instead of 'voltron.'
p.s.: More pokemon references, please.
December 31st, 2009 at 4:08 am
Beautiful writing. Laughed my head off. But tell me: how could one state produce both Sinclair Lewis and this woman?
December 31st, 2009 at 8:09 am
You have made me love her, dammit!
December 31st, 2009 at 8:50 am
If your wife is willing to give you head, does that make her a "cocksucker" too?
December 31st, 2009 at 9:20 am
What kind of comments are these?
On topic: well put, Ed! I love the caption on the photo—you can almost hear her saying it.
Also, that link about the light bulbs is incandescent! I can't believe she went so far as to write her own "light bulb freedom of choice" bill. I've never heard of anything so ridiculous, except perhaps when you wrote about Dick Cheney voting against instating a MLK holiday not because he was opposed to MLK but because he was opposed to holidays.
December 31st, 2009 at 10:10 am
But how do you really know that she sucks cock? She's probably not into that.
December 31st, 2009 at 10:40 am
Picture some sort of teabagger Voltron assembled from a collection of lesser teabaggers.
You had me at 'teabagger Voltron'.
December 31st, 2009 at 10:44 am
After I left college in WI, I moved to Minneapolis for a bit before moving to Flagstaff AZ. From my experience in Minnesota, it's not a surprise why she exists as a MN rep to the House. There are many Minnesotans who are deeply racist and, as I like to call them these days, "Whitists." Of course, there are many Minnesotans who are not but for those who are of this ilk, Bachman represents Whitism and that is all that matters to them. She personifies the reason why the Founding Fathers generally did not approve of the idea of a democracy, but a Republic, because they knew that if we got a truly representative democracy we'd have the likes of Bachman trying to set policy. Bachman's existence in the House is a sign of America's rot.
December 31st, 2009 at 11:49 am
Well, she did attend ORAL Roberts U.
Another ass backwards attorney … another hysterical fundie loon.
Michele. Oh Michele.
December 31st, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Good entry, but this guy has got you beat. He photoshops:
http://zaiusnation.blogspot.com/2007/01/president-dumps-harris-for-bachmann.html
December 31st, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Hilarious, Michelle Bachman, while terrifying, has provided a plethora of fodder and head-shaking moments. What a way to keep giving and giving, Michelle!
December 31st, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Why not call it the Lieberman Award for Soft Moist Enveloping Orotundity? Joe wins ex officio, as it were.
Bachmann forces us to ask repeatedly, "Is this idiot for real?" She forces me to ask, "Why did god get so angry with us?" And that's why I'm not quite sure she deserves this award. You see, she doesn't have the self-awareness that a true cocksucker possesses; behind her shenanigans, I don't see cynicism, but flashes of psychosis. She sucks cock with the abandon of the madman, not the skill of a huckster like Oily Joe. She does naturally what other can do only after extended training. It's a bit unfair to hard-working cocksuckers.
At any rate, fuck you, Bachmann. Get back on your meds, you fucking lunatic.
And a happy new year to the author and readership.
December 31st, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Better caption: "Fuck me I'm crazy!"
December 31st, 2009 at 3:06 pm
omg, I had tears in my eyes.
December 31st, 2009 at 3:43 pm
"Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. Some people think if you say some things they might happen. Some people are real fuckin' stupid. You ever notice that, how many stupid people you run into? Goddamn there's some stupid bastards out there. Carry a pad and pencil with you, you'll come up with twenty names by the end of the day. Think about this; think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that."
-George Carlin (as found on Wikiquotes on Wikipedia)
I loved the qupte you used and wanted it to be Mark Twain, but it was St. George that said it. :-)
December 31st, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I couldn't agree more, but if you're going to hate her, spell her name correctly. It's Michele with one L.
December 31st, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Huh. Where I'm from that "2009 cocksucker of the year" graphic would be worn with pride. You could make t-shirts with it. Cocks are generally pretty great, really. Many Republican Senators named Larry would agree. They probably wouldn't wear the shirt, though.
December 31st, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I don't think she's a real person. She must be an actor in some hipster mockumentary. She's essentially the female version of Joaquin Phoenix.
December 31st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Also, what's wrong with sucking cock? Everyone who owns a cock want someone to suck it, and many straight women and just about all gay men enjoy sucking them.
December 31st, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Andrew SaysAlso, what's wrong with… There's nothing wrong with it Andrew, however it's a m e t a p h o r for hypocritical, sanctimonious, two-faced, lying, obfuscating whores who pretend to be holier-than-thou-butter-wouldn't-melt-in-their-mouths good, honest, moral people when in reality they'd suck the devil's four-foot schlong while cutting their mother's throat, so as to slither one rung higher up their particular success ladder (see also, Michelle Malkin).
And to all here, best wishes for success and happiness for the new year.
December 31st, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I came into this thinking – in a universe that contains Joe Lieberman, how could any other candidate, no matter how flubber-lipped, toothless, vaseline-gummed and kielbasa-breathed, ever be worthy of anything other than dis-honorable mention?
But you covered than well, Ed.
Now, I think I am a fairly accomplished snark-meister, but you are the paragon, the clown prince, the roll model for us all.
Truly awesome.
Cheers!
JzB
December 31st, 2009 at 11:44 pm
I lived in Tulsa (home of Oral Roberts U) for several years in the '70s. Saw a lot of women who looked a lot like Michele–the smile that is bereft of human warmth and traces of just a tiny bit of cosmetic surgery here and there. It disturbs me to learn that, even after all these years, people like this are elected to high office in flyover America.
Great blog, btw.
Pete
January 1st, 2010 at 9:47 am
@waldo… I'm fairly certain we all realize it's a metaphor. But methinks perhaps an educated college prof could come up with a better one that sounded less juvenile and more… well, educated.
cheers!
January 1st, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Minnesota's 6th District is our version of District 9: the Prawns from the red states that immigrate to Minnesota are deposited there so they won't contaminate the rest of the state. Bachmann is an aberration, but even Prawns need representation.
January 1st, 2010 at 4:31 pm
[...] It's getting harder and harder for the woman with the Adam's apple to remain relevant, isn't it? Every day she has to compete with the likes of Michele Bachmann for craziest wingnut comment, and every day she falls short. [...]
January 1st, 2010 at 5:30 pm
Awesome post. She has been apeshit nuts for quite sometime. In an unrelated aside, I saw a pair of chrome plated Carnutz (retarded brother to Trucknutz) on the back of a shitty looking maroon Saturn Twin Cam when I was back home for the holidays. I saw them and thought of you.
January 1st, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Grade A rant. With credit and apologies to BDD I'd rate that in the Fuck and Yes category.
January 1st, 2010 at 7:07 pm
"…..methinks perhaps an educated college prof could come up with a better one that sounded less juvenile and more
January 1st, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Huh. I went on to say how great g&t has been lately, but now I'm just gonna complain about my comment being eaten.
January 1st, 2010 at 8:43 pm
johnnyboy Says: perhaps an educated college prof could come up with a better one [descriptive]….'
Well fuck a duck jonnyboy why don't you hold a competition to find a more apt description of soulless, brainless, shit-spouting hypocrites who'd quiet happily reduce America to a seething pit of poverty and religio-based ignorance and fear so long as their politics were the operative methodology, who believe they have the right to pre-emptively butcher anyone they suspect is a threat to their paranoid little world and fervently believe that they and their ilk have a divine blessing to rule not only America but the whole fucking world.
You could use teh Google : Results 1 – 10 of about 200,000 for republican criminals. http://www.republicanoffenders.com/ (Hint- you'll find PLENTY of cocksuckers amongst them).
January 2nd, 2010 at 12:08 am
what an awesome post. just wanted to thank ed for giving me the opportunity to laugh a little in this apeshit crazy country called the united states of america. happy new year to all and lets hope that 2010 is nicer than this last shitty year…
January 2nd, 2010 at 10:00 am
@waldo:
Jeez, I guess someone has a hangover.
Listen: I don't disagree with the politics, dude. I only think the moniker "cocksucker" sounds just exactly like something that "soulless, brainless, shit-spouting hypocrites" on the right would come up with for an award name. Our side should try and sound a bit more erudite while we're on the attack, yes? As for having a competition, that would be up to the blog author. Ed, are you listening?
January 2nd, 2010 at 1:25 pm
I see your point, johnnyboy, but sometimes a cocksucker is just a cocksucker.
January 2nd, 2010 at 6:26 pm
I would have given it to Glenn Beck, but this works.
January 2nd, 2010 at 10:45 pm
Anyone who makes the sentient voter wistful for Krazy Kitty Harris is worth the award (and bicycle-pump-sized syringes of thorazine), and let's face it, Batshit Bachmann is that someone.
January 2nd, 2010 at 10:48 pm
"Our side should try and sound a bit more erudite while we're on the attack, yes? As for having a competition, that would be up to the blog author. Ed, are you listening?"
Uh-oh, otherness in progress. And bitch, please– cocksucker is a curse word for the ages. Esp since I'd bet real cash money Bachmann hasn't in a while. Physically, not metaphorically, that is.
January 3rd, 2010 at 12:44 pm
BTW, Bachmann is originally from Iowa, so her insanity didn't originate here.
January 3rd, 2010 at 4:25 pm
- one of your newer readers here (thank you TBogg) looking forward to reading more from you
Happy New Year Ed
January 3rd, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Hey, isn't that pin she's wearing one of those old Stalin/Lenin pins they used to give out in the USSR? Heh, cool, some of these below-the-average-intelligence-righty wingnutz could do with a little socializing…
January 4th, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Our side can't even enjoy a laugh without a handwringer spoiling the party. Someone get the smelling salts, because the concern-troll has arrived.
January 4th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
LMAO @ Krazy Kitty Harris!!! That is delightful.
January 5th, 2010 at 7:35 pm
@ Doc Preacher: Stalin/Lenin pins! Bite your ignorant tongue! That's Lord Kitchener's famous recruitment poster for the U.K. during World War I.
January 6th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Just adding my voice to the chorus — I love this blog and this post, but I also really really enjoy sucking cocks. Let the slander of cocksuckers end here and now.
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January 23rd, 2013 at 1:01 am
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