Remember how we flirted with Peak Wingnut in the week after Obama's victory? The comments of the conservative faithful were indeed hilarious and unhinged in the wake of The Antichrist's ascension, but it was tempered by the ample time they had to prepare. For the last three or four weeks of the election, all but the most delusional shut-ins took one look at McCain-Palin '08 and knew that we were staring at a corpse. Right wing grief and agony played out gradually over a long, schadenfreude-filled month.

Not so with health care reform. All and sundry were confidently, perhaps even mockingly, announcing its death for six months (Think Progress has a nice compilation and timeline). Nothing was left but to begin the victory parade. That the right was blindsided is evident in the post-vote rush to ascribe the bill's passage to dirty, extra-constitutional legislative chicanery. It is a paranoid, lard-assed American version of the 1920s Dolchstosslegende in the Weimar Republic.

Since I am not one to let such rare treats pass by unnoticed, it seems appropriate to recap the highlights of the week in hyperbolic, impotent, pant-shitting histrionics from the conservative version of reality. The moment the vote was cast it was clear that there would be stupid; it was my goal to capture as much of it as possible. I needed a bigger net. But here is what I did manage to corral, in no particular order.

1. Neal "My brain don't work real good" Boortz wins the Excellence in Short-Term Memory Award for this priceless duo.

March 22: REPEAL? NOT IN YOUR LIFETIME. I'm sure we're going to hear some people suggesting that if we put the Republicans in charge they'll simply repeal ObamaCare. Sorry, I don't see that happening. Remember, even if the Republicans did somehow manage to take back the House and the Senate, it certainly wouldn't be with a veto-proof majority … and don't forget who's sitting in the White House perfectly ready to veto any repeal attempt.

March 24: NOW THE REPUBLICANS HAVE THEIR PLATFORM. Forget a resurrection of the 1994 Contract With America. Forget the latest "Contract From America" version. The Republicans need only make one promise for the 2010 elections … Repeal ObamaCare.

It must be nice to have an audience too busy hand-loading ammo and registering as sex offenders to notice things like this.

2. The Impotent Rage Meets Temper Tantrum Award goes to this anonymous ass clown over at RedState.

I pay the taxes. I obey the rules. I pull the wagon that they ride. They need me to continue to do so. They need you to continue to do so. They need us all. Remember – we pull, they ride. No more…From this day forward, I will engage in little acts of civil disobedience. Every single day. Barack won’t have ol’ Jack to count on any more, because tyranny is not what I signed up for. And they need me. They need us.


3. Boortz again: "Today will do more damage than 9/11." It would appear that the "talkmaster" is actually the master of understatement.

4. McTardle spent the last six months passing herself off as a person who knew America's health care system from a hole in the ground. In the aftermath she easily wins the Overwrought Misuse of Shit Half-Remembered from History 102.

Regardless of what you think about health care, tomorrow we wake up in a different political world…Are we now in a world where there is absolutely no recourse to the tyranny of the majority?

"Ed, I have some questions about the Federalist Papers, especially Madison's impassioned defense in #10 of the Constitution's ability to prevent majority tyranny. Who should I consult?"

"I say unto thee as I would with my dying breath: Megan… McArdle…"

5. Veronique de Rugy takes the Finding a Way to Complain about Single-Payer in the Absence of Single-Payer Award with this ironclad exercise in logic.

As if that's not bad enough, much worse can happen. As we know, unintended consequences are real, and they always lead to a worse situation that any of us expected.

Before we go further, I'd like you all to stare at that for a minute. I want to rub Veronique's nose in it while emphatically stating NO! much as one would housetrain a puppy.

The unintended consequence is the following: How long will it take for people, individuals and businesses, to realize that they are better off not getting health care and paying the penalty? They can just get insurance once they need it, since people who are sick can no longer be denied health-care coverage. If that happens, we can expect insurance companies to go under very quickly. Basically, many healthy people won't get insurance because the penalty is cheaper than the insurance. However, once they get really sick they will seek coverage and won't be denied. Insurance companies will find themselves with a gigantic pool of sick people. In this worst-case scenario, the government will use the opportunity…to take over the insurance business.

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!

6. Tony Blankley wins the Impossible to Read This Without Using One's Right Hand to Pantomime Masturbation Award for this desperate effort to sound smart.

If they can stand up to the coming propaganda, America may be free, and the life of the wider free world may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands. But if the voters succumb to those seven months of blandishments and deceptions, then free America — including all that we have known and cared for — will sink into the abyss of a new Dark Age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted science.

Yes Tony, this is exactly what Churchill had in mind. Exactly. Well played.

7. Ben Shapiro was not seriously challenged for two separate awards: the Straw Man and the Mostly Closely Resembles the Final Livejournal Post of a School Spree Shooter.

There's a reason that Obama, Biden, Pelosi and Reid don't use Simpson as one of their typical sob stories: Simpson weighs 604 pounds, and she's trying to work her way up to 1,000 pounds so that she can make the Guinness Book of World Records…Now we are paying for her. All of us. We're paying for her because insurance companies in America are no longer allowed to charge her higher premiums due to her pre-existing medical condition (i.e. being a load).

Ben has never spoken to a woman without first giving his credit card number or being pepper sprayed afterward.

8. The Really Good Idea Bound to Attract Considerable Public Support Award goes to Louie Gohmert, who proposes to solve the "problem" of Congress passing legislation by repealing the 17th Amendment.

9. The Look How Hard This Obviously Mentally Challenged Man is Trying! Award goes to Charlie Daniels, with honorable mention to his commenters.

You will see health care paying for the abortion of innocent babies. I know, I know, Obama signed an executive order saying this won't happen under this bill, but you just wait and see. I believe that a huge amount of doctors will simply stop practicing and that many young people who had planned to go into medicine will simply opt for another profession. And think about this people, if the Democrats can pass health care, what else are they willing to push down our throats? The sorry answer is, as long as they are a majority, anything they want to; amnesty for illegal aliens is just around the corner.

Slippery is the best kind of slope.

10. The Quickest Resort to Violent Rhetoric Award goes to…come on, who else but Glenn Beck?

11. Finally, the Golden Pantshitter Trophy for Outstanding Achievement in Pant-Shitting goes to Rush Limbaugh, not only for chickening out on his promise to leave the country if the bill passed but also for his bombastic, drug-addled, not-even-visible-from-Reality rant about the end of America as "we" (i.e., Teabaggers) know it.

The next big push will be amnesty for … millions of illegal immigrants who are here…Obama's gonna need their votes in 2012. The Democrats are going to need their votes in every election from now on – if we have elections, and I'm not joking…The Constitution has just been ripped to shreds, so why is anything safe?

Like Obama isn't the greatest financial boon to wingnut AM radio blowhards since the Waco Siege. Rush should be kissing his ass. Come to think of it, Rush can kiss my ass too. That worked out well.

These are just a few of the highlights. Feel free to add your own – emails from psychotic uncles, Facebook/Twitter posts from the special wingnuts in your life, comments from co-workers, editorials, etc. – in the comments. Regardless, I think it is abundantly clear that this was a week of childish, incoherent, pant-shitting rage of historic proportions. I am proud to live in such a time.

50 thoughts on “THE WEEK IN PANT-SHITTING”

  • OliverWendelHolmslice says:

    I have been hearing a lot of people emphatically declare, as if they know a damn thing about Constitutional Law, that this bill is "blatantly unconstitutional!!!!!!!" and "tyranny!!!!!!!!!!". A few things for all these people to chew on:

    1) Watching Law and Order does not make you a Constitutional scholar
    2) Have you ever actually read the Constitution? Most people think the 2nd Ammendment reads, in its entirety (completely leaving out the conditional statement that precedes it) "The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed"
    3) Most importantly, when the fuck did everything that wingers disagree with become "blatantly unconstitutional", and "tyranny"? We the people elected Democrats to all branches of the government, and they subsequently passed legislation; that is how democracy works.

  • But OWH, the things happening now are _wrong_, so there's no way they can be happening unless They are screwing us over – again. Bad Things don't happen to Good Americans unless They are behind it.

    sarc/off. That said, I'm getting a bit down about the online ranters who keep using the 'They did this to Us!', as if a foreign power has occupied Washington, and is ruling by fiat. The fact that they actually DO believe that that's what's happening is probably why I'm a bit down.

    The Paxil, it does nothing.

  • OWHslice, it's because conservatives, at the core, really don't believe in (or understand) democracy, despite all the lip service they pay to its virtues and glories. The most important thing about democracy is that you can't get your way 100% of the time, that sometimes a vote goes against you, and you just have to suck it up and deal with it. I learned this back in kindergarten, when we voted on whether to have cream cheese or peanut butter on our snacks (I voted cream cheese, and lost). Conservatives don't understand that, they think that "democracy" means "I get my way all the time", and so when they don't get their way, it isn't because the other side legitimately got more votes, it's because of ACORN and George Soros and union thugs and liberal brainwashing and so on, and the result is illegitimate and totalitarian.

    This goes back to the founding and resulted in the Civil War. American democracy was a great and wonderful thing in the South, and Southern presidents (backed up by Southern-dominated congresses) had no problem enacting laws that affected all the states of the nation (including forcing the Fugitive Slave Act on the north) – right up to the moment that a non-Southern president was elected. Then, suddenly, it was tyranny, and secession was the only response.

  • Pant-shitting from the National Review Online-
    Mark Steyn seems to think this will lead to "Longer wait times, fewer doctors, more bureaucracy, massive IRS expansion, explosive debt, the end of the Pax Americana, and global Armageddon."
    Joh Derbyshire thinks "It’ll be over soon. We’ll be down in the cold, lightless depths of imperial despotism — in which, after all, the great majority of human beings, throughout history, have always lived."
    Jonah Goldberg believes that "this legislation is a superconducting super collider of culture-war conflagrations."

  • I love that the best Shapiro can do is dig up that stupid Donna Simpson hoax. I can't wait for his next article, about how little kids who stow away in balloons are going to bankrupt social security.

  • There's something unbelievably wrong about a political climate where people are so dedicate to their side "winning" that they'll defend a morally bankrupt institution's right to screw over people (ie, insurance companies' right to be evil).

    That this could even happen at all in this country is a major reason why I want to leave it.

  • Oh, and everyone should check out the comments sections for articles like Shapiro's. The sort of pseudo-libertarian net.bastards that reside in them, for the most part, are young and healthy and have yet to find themselves on the wrong end of our nation's healthcare system. So, naturally, they defend the status quo like Viking berserkers.

    Eventually, though, at least one libertarian will mention how he or a friend of his was dropped from their insurance after getting sick, and suggest — while reminding everyone what a red-blooded dyed-in-the-wool defender of freedom he is, and while of course Obama care is tyranny — that maybe something should be done about insurance company abuses.

    The fallout is like watching a wounded piranha being turned upon and devoured by the rest of the school.

  • I mean, on the one hand, I remember when democracy swung the other way and I spent eight years feeling like outsiders had overtaken my country and were doing terrible, dirty things to it in the dark, so I have some slight sympathy… on the other hand, their side got us into Iraq, and our side is trying to get healthcare for everyone at a reasonable cost. So my sympathy is very, very slight.

  • Glenn Beck is now begging his viewers not to bomb or shoot people.

    Thank goodness Rep. Periellio's brother's family didn't die in an explosion or fire when their gas line was cut.

    WTF is wrong with these people?

  • Where are all the conservative admonishments that " we live in a republic, not a democracy" that they used to spit at dissenters who dared to question the super secretive and heavy handed Bush- Cheney regime?

  • Haha, yes, I've got plenty of "special wingnuts" in my life. And they seem to have Facebook friends who are even wingnuttier! So I've been doing a lot of lurking on Facebook, reading comments to get a sense of what the fine people of this country are thinking, what makes them tick, and so on. I've seen dozens of references to this bill as a welfare bill; people saying things like, "when will I get my check for doin' nothing," and the like. People seem to be unaware that the bill will require people to PAY for insurance, not get if for free. I was also amused to see this guy join the 304,059,724 Against HCR group. This guy had earlier railed against the census as unconstitutional; hmm, I wonder where they got that number from. I read one guy ask, "now that HC is a right, when will I get my free gun?" This comment was "Liked" by many of his friends, as you can imagine.

  • Yesterday, I was reading some woman's ultra-insane I'm-a-Wife-at-Home-But-Still-Have-a-Voice blog, (sorry, it was one of those internet links lost to space and too much time, just google "boycott the census" and you'll get more than you want on the subject) where she and her minions/followers are all going to boycott the census as a way of "punishing" the government for Obama-care. As well, they've decided not to answer the door if a census worker shows up.

    Yup, that makes a hellova lotta sense. You just go ahead and punish the gubment by lowering the count for your area so you won't have any federal help when you really need it, like say, for a bridge or perhaps after a tornado.

  • @johnnyboy Maybe applying for a census job isn't a good idea, I don't want to get berated by a bunch of crazy gun toting nutcases.

  • displaced Captialist says:

    don't forget the other consequence johnnyboy: less people in a district means less representation in the House. One less republican representative.

    Pity that.

  • Here's a little gem from a friend of folks in response to a post about Frum's "Waterloo" column a few days back:

    "Whatever Bush's mistakes were, the tax cuts weren't one of them.

    Agreed, a Republican sweep is no guarantee, esp if amnesty is the next thing shoved down our throats.

    Obama is not your normal democrat. He's a Marxist and is bent on destroying this nation that he's hated his whole life.

    As for Frum, I don't know what he bases his theory that the economy will be doing better by November. High interest rates and hyperinflation are on the horizon, we just don't know when. The expiring Bush tax cuts (that is, an across the board tax hike), the imposition of the new Democrat taxes, are all economy and job killers.

    R. Emanuel said FDR didn't take enough advantage of the Great Depression. I believe Obama doesn't want to make the same mistake. Everything he's doing is pointing towards a second Great Depression. All the mistakes that Hoover and FDR made to turn a recession into an extended depression are being repeated by the current fraud in the White House.

    Prepare for Third World living, unless a White Knight appears on the horizon. And soon."

    "White Knight" – what the hell is that about!?

  • Some of these are ludicrous. But I don't see a problem with *all* of them.

    Perhaps I'm just sympathetic. It seems that when you've just had your ass handed to you, the appropriate response is pants-shitting exacerbation. (Crazy mixed-metaphor aside)

    When W got a second term in office, and when prop 8 passed, and when we extended the war from Afghanistan to Iraq on claims that seemed dubious to me, and when I first heard the "wild Alaskan dingbat" speak, to raucous applause rather than social censure…I'm sure I had an exaggerated response.

  • Some of my FB acquaintances seem to think that the passage of HCR is the first sign of fulfillment of the events prophesied in "Revelations" [sic.] I would be grateful if it was just a little libertarian fuss about bureaucracy.

    Also, now that I have finished wiping the tears of laughter from my eyes, I would like to say that I don't find Mr. Boortz's comments contradictory. He isn't saying that the Republicans would succeed in repealing the bill, just that promising that would make a winning platform for them. Like those grammar-school elections where the candidates for class president promise to give everyone free cookies and no homework.

  • I wrote the following comment after her article in the (tool) Atlantic:
    First, let me say that I hate this bill. What a piece of crap. The Democrats suck. That being said…
    The tyranny of the majority??? Really??? Megan, we live in a democracy. Elections have consequences. Losing is supposed to taste like a crap and mayo sandwhich.
    I am sure that you can find surveys and poles that say that the majority hates this and loves that, but the only pole that matters is the one they had in 2008, and the polls in both chambers of the house. 'Obamacare' is the direst result of the '08 election, and the recent votes of duly elected United States Senators and Representatives. The Democrats won, the Republicans lost. The result of that is this 'progressive' legislation.
    I doubt election 2010 will correct the 'injustice' that your article points out, in as much as the 'majority' that you refer was an electoral minority in '08. Will Republicans do that much better in '10 by being the party of no? I am not so sure.
    I also hope that you check your history concerning toxic and abusive politics. If today's Democrats played hardball now like the Republicans played hardball in the mid-nineties, it would make this years health care shenanigans look positively sophomoric.
    Lastly, one screw you vote? Really? Most votes cast by Republicans since the '08 elections have been 'screw you' votes. Republicans have not been shut out. Republicans have taken themselves out, both by making the disastrous policy decisions of the last 20 years, and by the obstructing everything possible, every way possible, since '08.

  • …and then there's this guy:

    Ahh, it's just vitriolic rhetoric, no harm, no foul, right?

    And saw a blurb of McCain this morning arguing that (paraphrased) everyone always uses war metaphors when discussing politics, i.e. battleground states, so no harm, no foul.

    Noticed the goofball from the above link has also forensically determined that no congressperson was spit on last weekend; it was just some guy with overactive saliva glands yelling through his cupped hands and he accidentally sprayed….

  • 2. The Impotent Rage Meets Temper Tantrum Award goes to this anonymous ass clown over at RedState.

    I'm very strongly reminded of "Grève". Remember, kids, if you're upset for any reason, the right thing to do is to go outside and be a dick to people until you feel better. You can even pick out a fancy-pants revolutionary justification for it.

    That Ben Shapiro article, though… wow. Traditionally the Two Minutes Hate is directed towards undeserving black people (bucks and their T-bone steaks, for instance), but perhaps it's a measure of how post-racial we are that the comments are wishes for the speedy death of a fat woman. Brr.

  • I'll not regale you with stupidity. Suffice to say, if that's what you want to read, any random day of the Wall Street Journal's comments section will provide you with a refreshing dive into, what? a Great-Lakes-sized colostomy bag chock full of not-in–good-sense-world-class raw quivering fuckeduppedness?

    A morbidly curious peak into evolution in action? As skulls become more streamlined and bullet-shaped, as eyes become vestigial, as ear become foldback flaps, and mouths toothless round maws like unto those found on lamprey eels but without the dentition, and all in reaction to constant placement of heads into other people's asses, in anticipation of yummy predigestd fecal scraps from like-formed "conservative" pundits? A whole new grisly ecology is about to emerge from the primordial ooze!

    I put the word conservative in quotes because, unfortunately, I don't think a sane version of it exists in this country anymore.

  • Here's one who started calling for the assassination of Obama:

    I understand that the Secret Service is already on it. Hope that guy enjoys his time in federal prison and then living under a microscope for the rest of his life.

    There are also reports around the web about threats against Congresspeople, including the key players, as well as the now-infamous incident of Congresspeople who were walking in to the Capitol building and assailed with racist language and people spitting on them.

    Then there's this:

    The article's author is sympathetic to healthcare reform. Read the comments to see the crazy.


  • Has anyone ever left this country because of the politics? Has Rush ever left his fucking house before?

  • in re: "ass clown"

    "ass clown"

    This is the real issue here. One word or two? Hyphenated or not?

    Arcane rules of clown-terminological modification must be brought to light, You know, for kids.

  • D.N. Nation says:

    The thing about marble-mouthed Boortz is that you've gotta picture those quotes as if he said it. So…

    "Forget a resurrection of the 1994 Contract With America. Forget the latest "Contract From America" version. The Republicans need only make one promise for the 2010 elections

  • In all this shit, it seems we've found a kernel of truth?

    "The unintended consequence is the following: How long will it take for people, individuals and businesses, to realize that they are better off not getting health care and paying the penalty? They can just get insurance once they need it, since people who are sick can no longer be denied health-care coverage."

    I don't know that the answer to this questions is properly provided, that I've seen. The fee on your taxes in 2014 for not having insurance is something like $95, scaling upwards to 700$ a couple of years later. Using web calculators based off the bill, it seems if I were to seek insurance on my own, I would be out $2200/yr, with only a small subsidy.

    $700 does not seem like nearly enough of a disincentive to prevent free-loading. I would rather not buy insurance on my own, then buy it when something happened and use it for pre-existing conditions. In reality the only reason we have the mandate is that you can't cover the sick pre-existing conditions crowd without forcing the healthy to get insured, too. I'm all for this, but the penalty has to be stiff enough to make people get insurance or costs will skyrocket.

    So what's the answer? Is there some other penalty I'm not aware of?

  • @OliverWendell:

    "2) Have you ever actually read the Constitution? Most people think the 2nd Ammendment reads, in its entirety (completely leaving out the conditional statement that precedes it) "The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed"

    "The D.C. Circuit ruled that the Amendment does apply to the District because of its federal status, subject to all provisions of the Constitution. At this point, therefore, it appears that the Court

  • Entomologista says:

    a new Dark Age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted science.

    If the coming dark age is going to be lit by the lights of perverted science, will it really be dark? Or will it be more of a dimly-lit age? My other question is, how can I get in on this science? Because it sounds hot.

  • "Longer wait times, fewer doctors"

    I always found that a curious argument. At it's core it's saying that with more people able to afford health care, more people will consume health care services and products, and therefore since health care providers of services are a finite resource, there will be more competition for the resources and, hence, longer wait times and fewer doctors able to take your appointment.

    You do have to realize that if this is your assertion, you are saying that there are tens of millions of people who are your fellow citizens that you are glad are not getting healthcare now because you might have to spend a few more minutes in the waiting room.

    How god damn cold of a heart do you have to have to be such an asshole?

  • Oh how I look forward to the day when we can all "move forward into broad sunlit uplands."

    I've always been partial to the valleys myself. The "new dark age"? Isn't that where the conservatives want to take us(the Texas creationists textbooks, etc.)?

  • Thank you, thank you, thank you for a post so filled with pant-shitting deliciousness…I needed a fix.

  • Indepatriot says:

    Some Wingnut on a friend's FB thread warned me that "Traitors who support sedition ( health ins reform ) will be executed by firing squad after the Patriots win Civil Was II……..

  • Scott Hedrick says:

    You are mistaken when you claim that Neal Boortz has short term memory issues, at least as far as your two examples go. 1. The Republicans won't be able to repeal Obamacare for the reasons Boortz stated. 2. Repealing Obamacare will be the platform the Republicans campaign on. These are not incompatible statements because they address two different issues: the ability to repeal legislation and campaign platforms.

  • Scott Hedrick says:

    Parrotlover77 is also in error in condemning the statement ""Longer wait times, fewer doctors"

    This will happen because the reimbursement rates to doctors will go below what the doctors are willing to accept. Already, increasing numbers of doctors refuse to accept Medicare because it pays less than the doctor's expenses. Obamacare intends to cut those rates further in order to pay for new services. Thus, even more doctors will leave. There is little incentive for new doctors to enter the system. Even if the number of doctors remained the same, adding more patients alone will increase wait times. This is not a wish for ill tidings on others, this is the logical consequence from increased demand. You find malice where none exists.

  • Scott Hedrick says:

    Emmitt, we do not and never have lived in a democracy. We live in a republic. That's not just semantics. A democracy would indeed involve the tyranny of the majority. A rioting mob is the ultimate democracy.

    A republic uses a buffer of elected representatives to prevent the tyranny of the majority, because the majority *should not* rule. If that were the case, a majority could decide that *you* should be killed because you did not remember we live in a republic. A simply majority vote would be all that was necessary. By allowing Senators to be directly elected, the republic was moved closer to a democracy and thus we all lost. The Constitution was set up intentionally to make passing laws hard; considering some of the clowns in Congress, do we really want it to be easy?

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