April 23, 2010

TO: All Arizona law enforcement officers
FROM: The Office of Governor Jan Brewer

Men and Women of Arizona law enforcement,

As you are no doubt aware, our state legislature recently passed, and I signed, SB1070, giving law enforcement the power to request that any individual suspected of being in the United States illegally produce proof of citizenship or legal residence on demand. Failure to have such proof on one's person is now a misdemeanor. The purpose of this memorandum is to clarify the legislation and provide guidance on how one identifies an illegal immigrant among a group of legal residents and citizens.

Since the law uses the well-defined, parsimonious phrase "reasonable suspicion" like ten times, it is obvious that much is being left to your judgment and discretion.

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Fortunately the Illegal is easily distinguished from other immigrants or citizens. If not, we'd have to either wildly guess or stop every Latino person who looks at an officer cock-eyed. Thank God that won't be necessary.

First, before we discuss the distinguishing characteristics of Illegals please note these two reference photos of a Latino citizen and legal resident:

Examine these reference photos closely and note the subtle differences with the subsequent examples. Generally, the Illegal is identifiable by one or more of several characteristics that may not be apparent to the untrained eye. These include but are not limited to:

  • 1. A cartilaginous dorsal fin located roughly at the median between the shoulder blades.
  • 2. Multicolored metallic pinwheels protruding laterally from the ears.
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  • 3. An elephant trunk with one or more parallel ivory tusks.
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  • 4. Yellow to yellow-orange flames ejected from the oral cavity.
  • 5. A ringed, furry tail.
  • 6. Red eyes and cranial horns not unlike those found on the Jews who killed our Lord.
  • Please reference the following photos to positively identify these or any other suspicious indicators:

    We continue to investigate as-yet unsubstantiated claims of shapeshifters ("changelings") among immigrants. Be vigilant and report any contacts immediately. Please direct any queries to State Senator, legislation sponsor, and close associate of prominent white supremacists Russell Pearce.

    Thank you for your cooperation and diligence in enforcing this crucial, way Constitutional, and totally not-racist law.

    Gov. Jan Brewer


    • Elder Futhark says:

      The influx of changelings has been a long-time concern of mine. During my brief stint with the Minutemen (before they sent me home), and based on the theory that changelings can take any form, I shot anything that moved.

      Changelings revert to their original form when they expire, right? Right?

    • I'm an immigrant, but I don't want AZ stereotyping my fellow huddled masses along my lines– foul mouthed, GOP baiter, drunk a lot. Even so, it's easy enough to blend in in hazardous terrain– just shout "freedom" and talk about Jesus a lot. It really works, I have field-tested this at teabagger events in our Nation's Capital (TM). Having tucked my tail into my pants neatly, first.

    • And remember kids, attempting to guarantee healthcare coverage for all Americans is a traitorous, socialist erosion of our freedoms; but cops pulling whatever Latino they feel like that day aside and demanding their papers is wholesome and necessary.

    • Elder Futhark says:

      Well… it's like when you get a pesky spot of gangrene, you don't want it to spread throughout your body? You do what's right and remove the limb. And that's what we gotta do. Oh, we could try a series of holding actions, we could try implement half-measures, like the current illegal immigration law. But ultimately, it won't wash.

      We've got to build a wall around Arizona. And cut off the water supply (because that's, you know, our Federally subsidized water those illegals are drinking). And shoot at anything that moves. With lasers. Gamma ray lasers.

      As far as legitimate citizens of the United States living in Arizona are concerned… fellow Patriots, your sacrifice will not go unheralded! Perhaps your chief employers, the State of Arizona, and Walmart, can lend you a helping hand, but hard choices must be made. We salute you. Please stay clear of the new border. Or else.

    • Elder, I think you're on to something. Just to be safe, shoot anything that moves. I know some namby-pamby Islamocommiesissyboylibs will suggest that we might take down some innocents in the fracus, but, ya know, it's war and collateral damage blah-de-blah…

    • Will you do one for illegal white immigrants too, since I can't tell them apart either? Or is the law just for brown people?

    • Why's everyone getting their knickers in a knot over this? Stop, breathe and give this some serious thought.
      1st off the R's are going to make their God… er the Market very very angry. What w/o it's daily supply of sacrifi… erm cheap labour to be fed to it. Suddenly, business'll have to pay the actual slave wages they're meant to and employing Americans will prove very expensive. The farming industry will effectively shut down in AZ as there will be no one to pick their fruit n veges. As well a day and domestic labour. Shock horror, lazy fat arsed Americans will have to clean up after themselves and press the buttons on the remote themselves. All those retirement communities will suddenly become over grown jungles and there will be a sudden jump in community fees in retirement homes as there will be no one to tend the gardens or work in the kitchens, etc.
      Yup the great god of the Market is going to be very pissed off indeed.

      2nd anyone who employs an illegal will be slugged w a penalty of somekind.

      Amazing! Market Forces actually working for the benefit of the underdog and giving these F-wits a kick in the nuts? Who'd a think it?

    • "What are the Diamondbacks going to do? Or any team that visits them?"

      HA! I hope Steve Nash doesn't get pulled over!! He's a Canadian!!! Don't worry Zona, he's legal, he's legal! I'm sure the Arizona cops are more than capable of this sort of decision-making. Not one legal immigrant is going to be harassed in any way, shape, or form.

    • Right?! Ugh; I'm engaged in several "conversations" about this fine piece of American legislation on several forums, and almost all of them involve people who are "ALL FOR IT, Hell YES!" None of them is stopping to look closely at the implications of this, and neither are they hearing me when I try to point out what this bill REALLY is…

    • As a Californian attending college in Arizona, I feel completely helpless in this, since I'm unable to vote in Arizona. I blame it all on Phoenix; Tucson is actually quite liberal and almost everyone here is opposed to the asinine legislation. Unfortunately, Phoenix makes up the majority of the state's population and is apparently TTeabagger's Paradise. Damn that shit city.

    • @Zeb, Russell Pierce, the bill's sponsor, isn't from Phoenix, he's from this backwater unincorporated town of 450 around 50 miles outside of Prescott.

      I'm not excusing Phoenix. Hell I live here, and I'm still astounded by it. I'm amazed by all the assholes I went to HS with in Ohio who whined and bitched about healthcare think this law is AOK. It's like beating your head against a wall. Oh…wait.

    • @ Elder – "During my brief stint with the Minutemen (before they sent me home), and based on the theory that changelings can take any form, I shot anything that moved."

      They sent you home? To get more bullets?

    • Something like that old Life magazine spread from WWII how to tell the evil Japanese from good Asians could also help. The scary thing is, I read some satirical pieces about AZ suggesting armbands or tattoos, but the wingnuts will be offering them seriously soon enough – like that microchip implant suggestion…

    • I used this column in class today to explain satire to my high schoolers. They all really enjoyed it. :)

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