DOUG GILES RETURNS FOR A SECOND FJM TREATMENT

This is where I usually do a quasi-witty intro. Today, I've got nothing for you. This is honestly the worst opinion column I have ever read. It reads less like an opinion column than the final Facebook post of a lone wolf militiaman before he sets out in his weapon-laden 1988 Ford Econoline van to kill as many Latinos as he can find. It's part suicide note, part ransom note, part plea for psychological help, and part woefully failed attempt at humor. Doug Giles, who previously took an FJMing with a column that I naively thought represented the nadir of the English language in print, is still giving this writing thing a try for some reason. After you read this masterpiece of satire ("Mexico's Calderon Condemns the Country that Keeps His Haggard Land Afloat") you will join me in wishing that Doug would take up a career more suited to his skills and personality, such as working in a prison, being held for observation and psychiatric care, or wrapping his lips around the barrel of a gun and trying desperately to think of a reason not to pull the trigger.

This is…not good. I warned you.

Y’know, there’s nothing like being chastised by the president of a parasitical border nation whose trespassing citizens are wreaking havoc on our soil.

"Y'know"? Some 14 year old girls called, Doug, and they want their Livejournal post back. They called me because Doug Giles is not allowed to receive phone calls from minors pursuant to the provisions of Suzie's Law and an out-of-court settlement in the matter of Girl Scouts of America v. Doug Giles in a Clown Suit.

Mexico’s Presidente Felipe Calderon carping about our country’s laws on our turf this past week in D.C. is like a fat tick complaining about the dog he’s sucking the life out of. Hey Felipe, haven’t you ever heard the maxim “beggars can’t be choosers”? Evidently not.

Mexico is sucking the life out of the U.S.? Do you understand how illegal immigration works, Doug? They come here and do shit work for peanuts to subsidize the price you pay for produce. I do not think you have properly conceptualized the tick-dog relationship. If the ticks risked their lives to reach your dog so they could clean the caked dung out of the fur around his butt for $1 an hour, that would be a good analogy. As it stands, it isn't.

One must hand it to Calderón for having the cojones to condemn the country that’s keeping his gaunt nation buoyant. I wouldn’t have had the courage … or stupidity, or indecency … to do that.

Oh, don't sell yourself short, cubby. You're plenty stupid. Plenty.

Matter of fact, if I were president—or better yet, King of Douglandia

If this little hypothetical makes you cringe, you may want to get a drink before tackling the rest of this column. Doug thinks this is really, really clever and he's going to clutch it to his chest and break into a dead sprint like his ass is on fire and the nearest water is at the end of the column.

and Douglandia happened to have milked, oh … let’s say … $21 billion last year from the prosperous border country to our north

Curious about this oddly specific figure, I did more research than Doug Giles has done cumulatively in his life – which is to say I googled "Illegal immigrants $21 billion." It turns out that this is the amount that they sent out of the country as remittances in 2009. So "milked" is a strange choice of words given that A) they earned the money, mostly by B) doing horrible shit-work for which American businesses actively recruit illegals they can pay in change and Jarritos. As far as I'm concerned – and this is where Doug and I differ – someone who works 10 hour shifts cleaning slaughterhouses for $4/hr can do whatever the hell they want with the money. Mail it to Mexico, blow it at a casino, put it in the bank, set it on fire…once you've cleaned the rendering tank at a ConAgra slaughterhouse you make the call.

all the while my residents were:
- Creating chaos in our generous neighbor’s land by the exportation of tons of drugs to their kiddos,

Mexican illegal immigrants make your kids smoke pot. If there were no illegal immigrants, American kids would not have drugs and hence would not do drugs.

- Kidnapping and killing their citizens

This is just an epidemic. And again, without illegals this would not happen.

- Trashing their ranches and national parks,
- Disrespecting their laws and flag,

Is "disrespecting" a law the same as violating it?

Nothing is quite as sad as watching an adult deliver any variant of the "Flag-burning should be illegal!" argument. It indicates a failure at some stage of one's emotional development, the one that teaches you that symbols only mean what we decide they mean. In practice, it doesn't bother me much when people, legal or illegal, "disrespect" the fifty cent made-in-China piece of plastic bearing the pattern of the American flag. People who venerate an object are modern descendants of the barbarians who made offerings to please the sun.

- And spawning political turmoil in our over-gracious buddy’s government

Yes Doug, it is Mexico's fault that you're bursting a blood vessel in your neck over this issue and flying into a pant-shitting rage over the shocking idea that the people who pick your tomatoes for a buck an hour might not be in this country legally.

I wouldn’t dare open my stupid mouth

Oh, I doubt that. Wait for it…

and complain about the Constitution and the cops of the nation my civilians happen to be violating if I were invited to be speak in said nation.

Swish. Nothing but net. Giles 1, things that doubt Giles 0.

Yep, if my crew caused all this crap in another country and I were asked to address the land that folks from Douglandia were pillaging, my speech would be very short and very sweet:

Can you pretend that you've been invited to speak in Edlandia and work that short/sweet magic here? Because every word of this is like rolling a giant boulder up a steep hill. I pray for a merciful death in lieu of reading another sentence. This is like watching Uncle Larry get ripped to the tits on peppermint schnapps at Thanksgiving and deliver one of his patented monologues about the coloreds or the vaccine-autism link or the Jews or free energy suppression or the children he stabbed in Vietnam.

It would mirror Borat’s sentiments toward the USA, and I would say, “Hello. My name is Doug from Douglandia. I like your country. It’s very nice. Please forgive what my gypsies have done to your land and people. I will discipline them upon my return like I did my sister when she tried to sell her sexy bits.”

Giles: "Ha ha! I saw a movie once." And what are the odds that TownHall readers (average age: 97) have seen anything released after Serpico?

After that gratitude-laden speech I would pass out patriotic Frisbees celebrating their land to all in attendance and offer free airfare passes on Douglandia Airlines to our few quasi-decent resort destinations to all the pusillanimous politicians who were aiding and abetting the raping of their nation by my criminal constituents.

Reading your column, Doug, I can't figure out why Mexico's president did not react this way or offer anything but obsequious gratitude to the American people. Why, he should have been giving Obama a reacharound as he addressed the crowd. Free trips to Cancun, everyone! Why? Because Mexico needs to repay us for that demeaning work that our businesses pay its people to do!

Yep, after my broke joke nation had received billions of dollars I sure as heck wouldn’t be complaining about the land I was milking (at least not to their faces).

"Broke joke." Hey, that rhymes! Radical, dude. Gag me with a spoon.

Are you ready? It gets a little unhinged at this point. Yes, even compared to what he has already said.

Matter of fact, on second thought, I would have gone the biblical extra mile with the violated country after my brief lecture. Indeed, after my gracious speech and the distribution of parting gifts, I would have pulled out my Butt-Smacker magnum-sized lip balm and commenced to literally kiss the backsides of everyone in attendance in gratitude for not building a wall between our nations so huge it could be seen from Pluto.

Read that again. I've got nothing. Literally nothing. This reads like he is shouting it to a police negotiator over a bullhorn right before he starts executing hostages. And just to be clear, he is literally suggesting that Mexicans should be kissing our asses. I wonder why they don't like you, Doug.

Upon my return to my dog-eared land-of-no-opportunity, I would immediately dispatch squadrons of maids and trash picker-uppers to go and clean up all the mess my people had made trashing the countryside when they “migrated” to the great northern feeding grounds.

YES, DOUG. IF ONLY MEXICO WOULD SEND SOME MAIDS AND "TRASH PICKER-UPPERS" TO THE UNITED STATES. IF THERE'S ONE THING MEXICO HASN'T SENT HERE, IT'S MAIDS AND PEOPLE TO PICK UP OUR TRASH. Does this guy know what an illegal immigrant is? Does he know which people are the Mexican ones?

In addition, I would immediately capture and incarcerate those criminal miscreants who had made it to the Land of Plenty and acted untoward to such a benevolent place, as their bellicose behavior could possibly cause the faucet to shut off on the multi-billion dollar chunk of change we were getting from our benefactors.

Doug Giles is a shining example of our benevolence – as if I needed to point that out. And I wouldn't worry about that faucet shutting off. The only thing that will stop the flow is to pay Americans minimum wage to do the work immigrants do. And we know that is about as likely to happen as Doug Giles reading a book that has more words than pictures.

Yes, that’s what I would have done if I were Calderon, but then again, my mother raised me right.

Aside from his obvious and crippling anger issues and assorted other mental problems, does anyone else get the impression that Dougie wrote this column in about 10 minutes? The last three or four paragraphs scream "past deadline" like nothing I've seen since the last time I degraded myself by reading Andrew Breitbart.

I know Intellectual Chernobyl doesn't have much in the way of journalistic standards, but even with that in mind I am shocked that they ran this. It quite literally reads like a transcript of an unstable person coming unhinged and screaming at passing cars. Even Teabaggers who agree with Doug about his substantive message here (which I believe is "MEXICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!") aren't going to read this incoherent dreck. The author they do read, Glenn Beck, is the Tiger Woods of hate speech. In comparison Doug Giles is like a suburban golf fanatic who bends his clubs in half and punches out a caddy after failing on his 15th attempt to get out of the sand trap.

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36 Responses to “DOUG GILES RETURNS FOR A SECOND FJM TREATMENT”

  1. daphne Says:

    not so sure about those last 4 paragraphs being scribbled to meet deadline. To me they read as if Doug labored mightily to achieve what in Douglandia is considered the essence of eloquence (in Realworldia: gibberish). And speaking of Douglandia, in it there seems to be no such thing as cause and effect.

  2. FMguru Says:

    I usually find these exercises depressing (although well-written), but this one left me with a spring in my step. I saw what blaming Mexicans for everything did to the Republican party in California (and to Pete Wilson's political career) and I'm just delighted that the conservative base is taking that winning strategy nationwide. What better plan, when you're shut out of power at the national level and faced with a shrinking core voter demographic, than to erupt in virulent racism at the fastest-growing demographic group?

    I had TX going Dem in 2020, but I might have to push that up to 2016 if this keeps up.

  3. Elder Futhark Says:

    Who the fuck is Doug Giles?

  4. yam Says:

    Strangely enough, my in-laws sound like this. The really unfortunate part is the punctuation marks are spittle laced with hot dog bits soaked in Michelob Golden Draft Light. Upon mention of companies that hire said illegals, the response is something along the lines of, "This is a free market, ain't it."

    I have dumb in-laws.

  5. party with tina Says:

    Mexico has tons of great resorts, and the richest man in the world is a Mexican. Mexico is a cool country, niggas need to stop. That said, it's true a ton of fucking coke comes through the border at Arizona. That's how I maintain my buzz all day. So while I'm cool with dissing Calderon cus that fucker is trying to kill everybody's buzz (In America's name, no less), I'm TOTALLY o'kay with him attempting to stop border reform. NO TROOPS!

  6. Desargues Says:

    Shorter DG (who the fuck is he, again?): "Dem Spics been gettin' uppity, an' we might have to put them in their place."

    Maybe he's been smoking some of that righteous stuff that comes here from down in Mexico. At any rate, he needs to put down the pipe.

    For his pig-headed racism, I sentence him to get a dirty Sanchez from Carlos Mencia. With extra gravy.

  7. FMguru Says:

    Apologies for the long quote (and double apologies for it being from First Read), but this is an excellent summation of the wind that Doug Giles is spitting into:

    Latinos, once a semi-swing group of voters, now have swung overwhelmingly for President Obama and the Democratic Party, and younger Hispanics are moving to the Democrats in even greater numbers

    *** Latinos aren’t swing voters anymore: For example, 68% of Latinos approve of Obama’s job (compared with 48% of overall respondents and 38% of whites), and they view the Democratic Party favorably by a 54%-21% score (versus 41%-40% among all adults and 34%-48% among whites). And their views of the Republican Party? In the poll, the GOP fav/unfav among Latinos is 22%-44%. What’s more, Latinos think Democrats would do a better job than Republicans in protecting the interests of minorities (by 58%-11%), in representing the opportunity to move up the economic ladder (46%-20%), in dealing with immigration (37%-12%), and in promoting strong moral values (33%-23%). The only advantage they gave Republicans was in enforcing security along the border (31%-20%). And Latinos remain a sleeping — yet growing — political giant: 23% of them aren’t registered voters (compared with 12% of whites and 16% of blacks), and

    *** Dropping like a rock: It didn't use to be this way. In 2004, George W. Bush, the former governor of Texas, won some 40% of the Latino vote. But in 2006, that percentage for Republicans dropped to 30%, and it was 31% in '08. And check out these party identification averages among Latinos that our Hart (D)/McInturff (R) pollsters put together from our past NBC/WSJ polls; this chart puts together the YEARLY average of all Hispanics surveyed for each year (approximately 900 respondents are included in each yearly sample):

    – In 2004, Dems held a 22-point edge in party identification among Latinos (49%-27%)
    – In 2005, it was 24 points (48%-24%)
    – In 2006, it was 26 points (50%-22%)
    – In 2007, it was 30 points (52%-22%)
    – In 2008, it was 35 points (57%-22%)
    – In 2009, it was 31 points (50%-19%)
    – And so far in 2010, it has been 36 points (58%-22%).

    *** The Pete Wilson lesson: Smart GOP strategists know this is a problem; the consensus is that Republicans need to capture AT LEAST 35-40% of the vote to win national contests. Yet looking at Republican primaries across the country, GOP candidates aren't looking at the long-term. In Arizona, John McCain is airing a TV ad declaring “complete the danged fence.” In California, Steve Poizner is comparing Meg Whitman to Mexico’s president in a TV ad criticizing her opposition to the Arizona law, while Whitman has a TV ad saying she “absolutely” opposes amnesty. And in Alabama, gubernatorial candidate Tim James says, “This is Alabama, we speak English. If you want to live here, learn it.” Pete Wilson is an important lesson here, says co-pollster Peter Hart (D): In presidential races from 1952 to 1988, Dems won California just once. After Wilson’s Prop. 187, Republicans haven’t come close to winning the nation’s biggest state. The next California could be Texas, and the GOP can't afford to have that big state become competitive.

  8. Sator Arepo Says:

    Pfft, Desargues. The good stuff doesn't come from Mexico, it comes from Canada (and I call it "MacKenzie Frenzy" for some reason that dates back to an inside joke from 15+ years ago).

    However, making fun of Giles, while easy, is too easy. His utter lack of wit, charm, grace, style, rigor, and general thoughtfulness approach that of a dead possum.

  9. Elder Futhark Says:

    Pfft, sator. An opossum that has been vigorously compressed by an average of fifteen hundred foot/tons of traffic per hour for three weeks, then consumed by a bacterial mat which, in completion of analogy, has an intellectual metabolism approximately two orders of magnitude more complex than this Giles dickshit.

    BTW, is the capitol of Douglandia named Cornholio? I say yes.

  10. Nunya Says:

    Can anyone give me the definition of F.J.M?

    I'm feeling out of the loop.

  11. moonbat Says:

    Thank God I never heard of, and don't want to sully my beautiful mind with anything to do with this Doug Giles character, who it must sadly be noted, has many seething clones running around this country.

    I'm writing to second what FMguru's been saying. A buddy crashed the California Democratic Party convention in LA last month, and started chatting up the Latinos he found therein. Every one of them stressed that they were "conservative Democrats", which to my mind meant they'd be Republicans were it not for the GOP's obtuseness about immigration.

    Even our recent genius president, GW Bush, tried to run through some kind of immigration reform which IIRC, would provide a route to legal status. Even GW Bush (or more likely his braintrust) recognizes this problem is a demographic timebomb for the GOP that must be solved, or else.

  12. J. Dryden Says:

    @ Nunya: FJM stands for "Fire Joe Morgan," which was (is?) a blog devoted to the deconstruction of the infamously bad sports columns written by Mr. Morgan; the format–quote Morgan's column, then respond parenthetically to his idiocy–appealed to Ed so much that he now uses it to eviscerate folks like Mr. Giles.

    And that's one to grow on!

  13. Sator Arepo Says:

    E. Futhark,

    Heh.

  14. Shane Says:

    Hey GOP, alienate yourselves more. Winning elections is for pussies.

  15. John Says:

    @Shane: Remember, every time the Republicans lose an election, it's because the Democrats cheated and, hey, we shouldn't be a democracy anyway because the Founding Fathers™ wanted a Republic™ (code for Republican monarchy).

    Elections only count if the Republican wins.

  16. Nunya Says:

    J. Dryden,

    Thanks for the definition.

  17. SeaTea Says:

    I have to say that this went over the line for me. This is the first time reading GAT that even Ed's awesome humor didn't make it worthwhile to have read the heap of sheer moronic bigotry that column represented. I'm just seething with the desire to do violence to Doug Giles, and that's not something I say lightly or proudly. I'm embarrassed that a pea-brain like him can get under my skin. Oh, but I do want to punch him in the nuts. It would be awesome.

  18. Nunya Says:

    I agree that his guy is a psychotic who desperately deserves a sound beating but I have to say that I hear more and more grumbling and thinly veiled racism coming from people who were perfectly content to let those jobs "that no American wanted" go to illegal immigrants or be exported to the third world.

    The pants shitters I associate with lately are IT professionals who have been replaced by an H1B worker or been outsourced to Bangalore and research scientists who are competing with very talented immigrant PhD's willing to work for multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical companies for penury wages.

    Just saying "that's how it is" doesn't change the very real fact that decent jobs are becoming increasingly rare in America and job stability has pretty much been destroyed. Might it be time to challenge our acceptance of the status quo and the general downward trajectory of prosperity?

    I fear the problem with the educated crowd is that they are, by nature, highly competitive and the concept of organizing themselves in a union seems beneath them. To the academics on this forum, I ask you this: You know there aren't that many PhDs in the world. Why do you continue to work like itinerant sharecroppers for universities that raise tuition by double digit amounts every year?

    The trouble with the world is that the stupid are so confident while the intelligent are full of doubt. ~ Bertrand Russell

  19. Desargues Says:

    I have a Ph.D. and I'd join a union in a second, if there was one. But there isn't (yet).

    Payback's a bitch for the white collar crowd; they were all too happy to see decent working-class jobs get shipped abroad (reading The Economist, as they do, they swallowed that bullshit line about how outsourcing good jobs to the Second World is really good for everyone, including the unemployed blue collar workers, who'll be able to buy cheaper shit from Walmart). Now that Terry is suddenly being made redundant by Radhakrishnan, he's about to discover protectionism and the meaning of social solidarity. Time to put down the Ayn Rand shit and "Austrian economics," and buy a used copy of Habermas, bitchez.

  20. Nunya Says:

    @Desargues – to your point of forming a union of PhDs, what't the hold-up? It's not like the brainpower isn't there to figure that shit out.

    NUPWASTU – National Union for People Who Are Smarter Than You

    I'm not sure how shitty it has to get before labor makes a comeback in this country.

  21. Don Says:

    I agree with those above who are immensely cheered up by this kind of shit erupting from the right. The only thing that may save the nation from Democrats repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot is Republicans repeatedly shooting themselves in the head.

    Also I think you should be Edistan.

  22. Desargues Says:

    I can't form any unions here, Nunya. I'm not a citizen (yet). Can't even send 5 bucks to a political party or cause.

    It's probably gonna have to get harder for the middle classes first, before labor returns to America. They've figured out a way to stop the working class from unionizing again—a mixture of white pride, Jesus juice, bullshit free-marketeerism, American Idol and Monday night football. 30 years of relentless exposure to that deadly mix has neutralized them politically forever. Bismarck would have loved to hit upon this idea.

  23. Sarah Says:

    I would point out here that there are Mexicans who cross the border legally in order to shop in the towns on the U.S. side. I seem to recall that this practice is worth over $1 billion. Latinos did a "day without a Mexican" earlier this month, and everybody in the border towns sure noticed, when they had few or no customers at all.

  24. Mike Says:

    I read what I believe is the appropriate transcript of the speech that Prez Calderon made (http://blogs.suntimes.com/sweet/2010/05/calderon_hits_arizona_immigrat.html). Unless I'm reading the wrong speech I'm honestly not seeing what is so worthy of the violent response from people like Niles?

  25. beau Says:

    @Don: Edistan?

    Ginadad & Tacogos!

  26. party with tina Says:

    Sarah, I remember the "Day without Mexicans" All that I found was that getting around LA was EXTREMELY quick cus the highways were EMPTY. Good stuff :D!

  27. tinamou Says:

    I usually enjoy the detailed mocking Ed gives douchebags in this series, but the original text here was so viscerally unpleasant it tipped the careful balance between laughing and crying (metaphorically, at least). Christ. Someone should tell the Southern Poverty Law Center to keep an eye on that guy, so they'll have some notes to give the FBI when he goes on a shooting spree inside the nearest supermercado.

  28. Nunya Says:

    Desargues,

    I encourage your entry into this damaged nation and wish you the best of luck in bringing a little more wisdom to your fellow man.

    Not a PhD but glad you are around….

  29. Brandon Says:

    Yeah, I have to agree with SeaTea and tinamou. It's certainly not Ed's fault, he gave it his best. But this article was so vile that even Ed's best effort wasn't sufficient so that the pleasure at reading somebody mock him outweighed the discomfort and disgust at reading the original text. It's kind of how I feel these days when the Daily Show does a skit skewering Glen Beck. His ramblings are so patently absurd and morally reprehensible that I can no longer even find humor in clever parodies of them.

  30. Desargues Says:

    Thanks, Nunya. Of all the countries I've lived in, America has always given me the warmest welcome.

    As to Ed's country, I thought he fares from Poland… Land of the mighty sausage and the exquisite Wyborowa.

  31. John Says:

    "I fear the problem with the educated crowd is that they are, by nature, highly competitive and the concept of organizing themselves in a union seems beneath them."

    This is part of the problem. The other part is the huge disparity in the wage scale and technological advances that makes pretty much anyone replaceable. We're afraid to form unions because we don't want to lose our jobs — modern technologies are so fast and so failsafe that a senior programmer making six figures can easily be replaced by a fresh college grad who'll take 50 grand a year. The freshmeat's code and design will be much worse than the senior's, but with as fast as computers are becoming and as idiot-proof as IT technologies are getting, it doesn't matter a whole lot in the end. In such an environment, people are afraid that trying to start a union means they'll be replaced and never get the chance.

  32. Alesha Keesecker Says:

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