A REVEALING SURVEY

With recent news that the Department of Defense surveyed not only the enlisted men and women but also their spouses about the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT), the topic of gays in the military is once again fodder for the talk shows and water coolers. Thanks to a well-placed inside source who must remain nameless, I managed to secure a partial copy of the surveys. Pretty revealing stuff, I think.

Part I: For MALE members of the Armed Forces (spouse should not be present)

1. While stationed in the Middle East, I prefer to spend my downtime:
A) Learning about the local culture
B) Sleeping
C) Looking for a pickup basketball game
D) Calling home
E) Loitering around the latrines

2. I would feel morally or emotionally troubled if I had to follow an order:
A) That subjected me to unnecessary risks
B) That involved harming civilians
C) Without being certain of the objective
D) Despite previous objections to the same order
E) Given by a big ol' homo

3. My attitude toward gays in the military is closest to:
A) None of my business
B) Don't like it but will accept it if ordered
C) Refuse to accept it
D) I'm fine with it
E) Haven't been this excited since Moulin Rouge came out on DVD

4. My favorite part of a Yankees-Red Sox game is the:
A) Quiet leadership of Derek Jeter
B) Unharnessed raw talent of Jacoby Ellsbury
C) Pure intensity of the Boston-NY rivalry
D) Late inning heroics of Jeter or Big Papi
E) Taut, rippling buttocks of Robinson Cano

5. I joined the Armed Forces:
A) To make a difference
B) To serve my country
C) Because it's a steady paycheck and good benefits
D) Parental pressure
E) Rampant homoerotic horseplay; group showers

Part II: For the WIFE of male service members. Your spouse should not be present.

1. At the state fair, my husband usually:
A) Gets a funnel cake
B) Falls for whatever deep-fried novelty is popular that year
C) Has a few beers too many
D) Is too busy riding coasters to eat
E) Sucks the batter off a foot-long corn dog

2. In bed, it bothers me when my husband:
A) I have no complaints. We're fine.
B) Is too stressed out or tired
C) Expresses interest in other women
D) Is more concerned about his needs than mine
E) Tapes a picture of Robert Pattinson to the back of my head

3. When your husband hangs out with his buddies, they are most likely to:
A) Fish or hunt
B) Drink cheap beer and get loud
C) He doesn't have many close friends
D) Watch or attend sporting events or play sports
E) Do something involving elaborate sequined costuming

4. It would bother me most if I knew that my husband was _____ in (Iraq/Afghanistan):
A) Doing immoral things
B) Seeing things that will traumatize him
C) Forgetting about me and/or his children
D) Developing a taste for violent acts
E) Forced to serve alongside big ol' homos

5. Based on my experience and contact with him, my husband's behavior is ______ since deployment:
A) Mostly unchanged
B) Quieter and less animated
C) Obviously depressed
D) Erratic and unpredictable
E) Super gay

I'm still working on getting the results, but I hear that the Department of Defense is troubled by the number of "E" responses. I'll keep looking over this data to see if I can figure out why.

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7 Responses to “A REVEALING SURVEY”

  1. John Says:

    From the DoD link:

    {Feedback from military spouses is an important aspect in the review, Ham said. The panel wants to know if spouses will be less likely to support their servicemember continuing his service if the law changes, Ham said.

    “We know for our married servicemembers, the most important influence on whether or not that servicemember decides to continue his service is his spouse,” he said. “So we need to know what the effects would be if the law was changed.”}

    So basically, their only real argument in support of DADT at this point is "Wives/Husbands will get Really Concerned™ about their spouse having to fight alongside homos that aren't silent about being homos, which might make servicepeople quit."

    Honestly, if having to acknowledge the existence of gays in America is enough to make you want to abandon the armed services, you've got absolutely no business being there in the first place.

    Of course, our beloved media isn't being too raucus about the 20-year veteran weapons officer that might get booted and stripped of every last bit of his military career because, in the process of rendering his duty in a by-all-acounts exemplary manner and winning goddamn medals, he happened to let slip that he was gay.

    Land of the Free™.

  2. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    Having spent more than a decade in the military, I can attest that there are a number of highly capable, dedicated homosexuals serving with distinction in just about every specialty one might imagine. I can also attest that there are a number of allegedly straight ones that clearly are there because of 5 C. It's impossible to paint the military demographic with a broad paintbrush. They're not all selfless. They're not all homophobes. They're not all queer as a $3 bill and those who are, aren't strutting around yelping show tunes. There are, however, some pretty idiotic surveys that float around from time to time, so this one isn't necessarily all that far-fetched.

    Also, what are the criteria necessary for buttocks to qualify as 'rippling'?

  3. Patti Says:

    When Ft. Sheridan was still a commissioned Army Base, and not a North Shore subdivision, we knew of a couple officers who lived off-base with "roommates". Was anyone going to out them? No – because they still did their job well, and we'd need them when the Ruskies were going to attack Chicago. And, one of them helped my dad paint the house with his buddies… that's the kind of thing that really mattered in the military.

  4. OliverWendelHolmslice Says:

    Hot damn! I haven't been this hard while reading a political blog post in a long time! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to head over to Yankees.com and rub one out.

  5. glf Says:

    Some of those questions should have all of the above as an option.

    As a female who was in the USAF, I wonder what the female version of the questionnaire looks like.

  6. displacedCapitalist Says:

    glf: there is none because everbody knows fudge-packers are only men!

    oh, and because wiminfolk don't serve in the armed forces.

  7. San Joaquin Says:

    Rippling gluteals?? Sounds like aliens….