JOHN HAWKINS IS A STUPID PERSON

Intellectual Chernobyl's resident fratboy – how sad is it to set the bar at Goldberg / Brietbart and still be unable to clear it? – lets "the establishment" know that it gets 7 things wrong about the TeaTards.

1. The Tea Partiers have a radical agenda!

Nobody believes this. It is a sad, Koch-funded rehash of the last 50 years of ultra-conservatism under a new banner. Birchers -> Moral Majoritarians -> Dittoheads -> Teabaggers. Same group of idiots, same ration of horseshit for ideas.

2. These Tea Partiers don't believe in compromise!

Hawkins explains how Washington defines compromise as "giving the liberals everything they want." With Teabaggers in power (suspend disbelief for a moment and imagine it) there will be compromise, redefined as giving the Teabaggers everything they want.

3. The Tea Party is driving away moderates!

No, it's just nominating drooling assheads who can't win general elections.

4. The Tea Party is knocking off important Republicans we need in D.C.!

Put a period after "Republicans" and this is true.

5. These Tea Partiers are just Republicans who will fall in line once the GOP gets power again!

Fall in line with whom? The sane members of the GOP? I'm sure the 'Baggers will be perfectly willing to John Hawkins Compromise with whoever is in power.

6. These Tea Partiers don't understand how politics works!

The Hawk allows that "there are plenty of people at Tea Parties who aren't all that hooked into politics" and "it's fair to say that some of the candidates the Tea Party has backed have turned out to be duds." He goes on to argue that "establishment" Republicans (Crist, etc.) do not understand politics. Having punted the question of whether Teabaggers understand politics, he moves on. That said, Things Tea Partiers Do Not Understand is the longest book in the English language and, when translated, will give Remembrance of Things Past a run for its money.

7. These Tea Partiers just want to say "no" to everything!

Hudson Hawk explains:

Right now, our country is like a car that's heading toward a cliff at 100 mph and the people in charge want to simultaneously speed up and cut the brake lines. Are we supposed to say, "Why don’t we meet you in the middle? Cut the brake lines, slow it down to 55 mph, and we'll stop all our backseat complaining about that cliff. Deal?"

In other words they say no to everything and will continue to do so until everyone perceives politics through the same paranoid, reactionary lens. Or to put it more poetically:

Put a balanced budget amendment, term limits, and a repeal of Obamacare on the agenda and watch how quickly Tea Partiers say "yes." But, until we get the barrel of the gun out of this country's mouth, we have to keep saying "no" when we're asked for handfuls of bullets.

Kind of an odd analogy from a group of people who spend a substantial portion of their time hand-loading ammo in their basements. I mean, who else do we ask for bullets?

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14 Responses to “JOHN HAWKINS IS A STUPID PERSON”

  1. The Man, The Myth Says:

    I still don't understand the teaparty agenda. Lots of crazy analogies about guns, death, and "shoving things down my throat"?? I don't see the Obama administration in the same light as these people do.

  2. acer Says:

    Yeah. But Barack Obama, of all fucking people, is cast as the one-eyed zealot screaming in the bunker, who'd sooner die than compromise his apocalyptic Joker agenda. Obama just isn't a good foil for the teabrains. They expected to duke it out with Castro or Farrakhan, and they're not letting go of that dream.

  3. Hazy Davy Says:

    The Tea Party is the Machiavellian manipulation of self-important, pride-in-ignorance, ambiguously outraged white people. It enables them to be racist without seeming racist, to be involved in the political discussion of economics without being able to balance their own checkbooks.

    And, in the end, the bullshit you make… equal to the bullshit you take. (I'm tired, and there's definitely a Beatles analogy available there…)

    The point is, the passion of the Palin, and the endorsement of the fringe is all to make W's legacy look, well, not so bad. Even Democrats and rational people can say "Yeah, sure W started two illegal wars, persuaded people to give up their liberties to combat fear, and presided over our economic collapse, but shit…at least he's not as bad as these guys!"

    Make no mistake, the Tea Party is like Perot's Reform party, but with less rationality and intelligence, and more passionate, prejudiced lunacy. But it's not a goal in and of itself by those pulling the strings. It's purpose is political relativism, to put a few morons in office, who make recent, past, failed Republicans look good and reasonable by comparison.

  4. Elder Futhark Says:

    I suggest term limits of about 43 hours.

    And why haven't they contacted me for candidacy? I have an extensive arrest record and multiple simultaneous restraining orders. Not to mention an arsenal that actually qualifies as an arsenal.

    Bit I always thought when my time came, they'd call on me. That I would be the one to hold the strings. Governor Futhark. Senator Futhark, or something.

  5. party with tina Says:

    I'd vote for you. I mean, these are felonies we're talking about, right?

  6. John Says:

    I do very much enjoy how the one question teabaggers and their elite sponsors (well, wait, I guess multi-millionaires aren't 'elites' if they support *our* views…) never field is the simplest and most important question:

    How does the T-Party differ from the Republican Party?

    The answer to this question is, of course, that it doesn't. Candidate websites for all the TeaTards that have clinched primaries do not offer any ideas that cannot already be found on any GOP-branded site. They are, at most, simply the "Republican XTREEEEEEEME" party. They all run Republican. They all vote Republican. Every idea they espouse is Republican, or is simply a Republican idea taken to its extreme.

    And if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and votes like a duck… well, you know.

    The farce continues. They keep insisting on this distinction between "conservative" and "Republican", despite the fact that every so-called "conservative" is exactly like above — indistinguishable, ideologically, from a Republican. The T-Party continues to be what it has been since the start, a transparent and obvious attempt to whitewash the Republican Party and misdirect attention from the complete failure of their policies over the last decade.

    Let alone the outrage that people that regularly vote for their representatives every term, and who are sacrificing nothing, have co-opted the name of one of the most important events in American history to name themselves. Actual Tea Party participants would be ashamed of these charlatans.

  7. John Says:

    As an addendum:

    The one bit of solace we can take is that New GOP, much like New Coke, is likely going to be a manufactured fad that quickly dies out once people actually taste it.

    When you're putting forth candidates that Karl Fucking Rove says are off the pale and unelectable, it's time to dial it back a few notches. But the trainwreck-to-be just keeps speeding on as Faux News, the network that has spent the past two years sucking Rove's dick with almost unholy fervor, turns to mocking him when he says these things.

  8. Monkey Business Says:

    I love all of these comments so much, I'm gonna convert to Mormonism so I can marry them all.

    @Hazy Davy:
    "Even Democrats and rational people can say "Yeah, sure W started two illegal wars, persuaded people to give up their liberties to combat fear, and presided over our economic collapse, but shit…at least he's not as bad as these guys!""

    Bravo.

    John:
    "They keep insisting on this distinction between "conservative" and "Republican", despite the fact that every so-called "conservative" is exactly like above — indistinguishable, ideologically, from a Republican. The T-Party continues to be what it has been since the start, a transparent and obvious attempt to whitewash the Republican Party and misdirect attention from the complete failure of their policies over the last decade."

    And…

    "When you're putting forth candidates that Karl Fucking Rove says are off the pale and unelectable, it's time to dial it back a few notches."

    Amazing.

  9. Zach Says:

    The tea party obsession with term limits cracks me up. It shows they have no interest in real governance aside from populist pandering. Just ask Michigan and California how term limits work out for them when their Speakers or budget chairmen are second term office holders.

  10. BK Says:

    Seems to me that 2 and 7 are kinda contradictory, no?

    The only part where I disagree with Ed is that the Tea Party candidates are un-electable. As a country we have an unfortunate trait of electing and re-electing right-wing candidates who us lefties never thought were electable – see George W Bush.

    The landscape I see is full of energized tea party hacks ready to take their country back and is scarce of the folks who turned out in droves to elect Obama.

    I fear for November.

  11. Prudence Says:

    I'm assuming you're all too po'/hardworking/busy to make it to the Restore Sanity/ get out the vote rallies with Stewart and Colbert on Oct 30th? Because, I have to tell you, it's going to be nice to go to a political rally in my town (DC) where I'm not just there to mock the demonstrators and hold up signs saying, "I'm with stupid –>". Apart from Barry Hussein's Inauguration, that is.

  12. jazzbumpa Says:

    John –

    The way that TB's differ from Rethugs is that some Rethugs are simply either criminals or wholly-owned chattel of multi-national mega-corporations, while all the teabaggers sport some rich blend of stupid, ignorant and bat-shit crazy. I believe these Rethugs are scared shitless of their TB brethren.

    Check this out,

    http://jazzbumpa.blogspot.com/2010/09/what-hell-friday-broadcasting-stupidity.html

    We are so fucked!
    JzB

  13. beergoggles Says:

    @Prudence:
    How politically unaware do you have to be to not realize the number of protests/marches that have been going on in your town (DC)? Or is it that you rely on cable networks to publicize those activities?

    There were 200k people marching for immigration reform on the day after the anti-war ralley and none of the television networks covered either and instead decided to obsess on the much smaller teabagger demonstrations. The media is anything but fair or balanced and I'm not just talking about Fox. They are inherently nepotistic and classist and play to the biases of the political and wealthy.

  14. evrenseven Says:

    The only tea party candidate that stands a chance of losing is O'Donnell in Delaware, and I firmly believe that because her crazy nonsense has been aired out early, and she has received a huge infusion of cash with plenty of time left, she can pull it off. There will be tea party victories in Alaska, California (if you count Fiorina as a tea partier), Colorado, Ohio, Arkansas, Florida (Rubio is buddy buddy with them), Pennsylvania and Utah (keep in mind they tossed Bob Bennett because he was *too liberal.* Toss in Jim DeMint, Chambliss, Vitter and a half dozen other far right wing senators and you've got a solid 1/4 of the upper chamber controlled by the far right.

    It's going to be HILARIOUS leading up to Jan of 2013 as we watch Sarah Palin take the oath of office and somehow fuck it up too. Oh god I can't wait.