DOUG GILES HITS THE FJM TRIFECTA

No cute intro. Doug Giles responds to the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell as only Doug Giles can. Doug, for the record, joins David Brooks in the thrice-FJMed club. Congratulations, Doug. You are not only a very stupid person but also one who thinks he is much funnier than he is. Which is to say, Doug thinks he is funny. You can be the judge of whether he is correct. So get ready…you have all won free first class accommodations on the HMS Retard of the Seas, and your Captain is Doug Giles. If you think the title is nonsensical ("Why Gays Should Dial Down with 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'") wait'll you get a load of the words that follow it.

I can understand why homosexual men would want to join the military.

This is like Choose Your Own Adventure. Turn to page 32 if DG is about to make a joke about "shower time." Turn to the next page if you want to see something about "guns going off." Turn to page 69 if you just want to hear some uninspired crap about the parade of hard, hetero male bodies that is the United States Military.

Number one: It’s Dude Central.

Formerly Dudelandtm, a subsidiary of Dude Solutions, Inc., now a part of Worldwide Dude Holdings, a subsidiary of Lockheed Martin Advanced Telemetry and Hot Cock division.

Number two: The military lends itself to the gays’ fastidiousness over everything being orderly

Yep, they're pretty much all the same. Every one of them. And conveniently enough, they are exactly like TV sitcom stereotypes about Teh Gays, so DG can write with authority about What Homos Are Like without ever having met one. Oh, who am I kidding. He meets tons of them at TownHall World Headquarters. He just doesn't realize it.

because everyone, from top to bottom,

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!1!!!! DO YOU SEE WHAT HE DID THERE?? Thank god this sofa is covered in a fabric that resists staining and odor absorption, because I just blasted an involuntary deuce from all of this convulsive laughter.

is required to keep their clothes, boots, room and gear nice, neat and shiny.

And don't forget their Streisand albums! And their pink tutus! And their antique collections! And everything else an imaginary Doug Giles TV Gay has.

But, the third—and probably most important reason why I’m guessing that homosexuals would want to join our armed forces—is that they get to kill al-Qaeda and their murderous Muslim ilk.

Well, this took a sharp left turn on What the Fuck Boulevard.

I get that. And I appreciate it because if Muslims had it their way you cats would be extinct. As in the first to go. As in Sharia don’t like you.

While this is an accurate statement, I can't help but notice the implication that there is a serious threat – or even a remotely plausible scenario – of al-Qaeda somehow "winning" and subjecting the U.S. to Sharia law. And for the record, Doug, the Army does a pretty good job of weeding out the psychopaths who join explicitly to get to kill people. Really.

Geez Louise, you think Christians are a problem? Heck, we’re plain peachy compared to Achmed and his mob.

Achmed the TV Muslim Terrorist, meet Phineas J. Minceypants, the TV Gay Guy. I'll give you two some time to get acquainted here in Doug Giles' imagination.

If you think I’m wrong, please note that Adam Lambert’s GlamNation Tour didn’t have any stops in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Mauritania, northern Nigeria, Sudan, Somalia or Yemen. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

This is what happens when Doug Giles tries to be funny. I mean, just look at this trainwreck. Doug, the fact that those countries are Muslim is like 15th on the list of reasons this makes no sense. Lack of functioning electricity and concert venues seems like a more realistic problem. This is just so stupid. Think about this, Doug. In what world would anyone schedule any kind of international tour that would include a stop in the Sudan? Jokes need to be remotely plausible, or at least invoke the willing suspension of disbelief. This merely invokes the urge to kick you in the nads.

In regard to why lesbians join the military, this is also an easy one: no heels, no makeup, no chatty chicks on cell phones, you can cart a few extra pounds without being shamed into looking like Lindsay Lohan by Michelle Obama, and … you get to blow crap up and wear camo. I can empathize.

Yeah, Army women are usually pretty chubby! Lots of extra pounds on active-duty military people, what with all the sitting around eating fuckin' Funyuns that they do over in Afghanistan. OMG I almost forgot to notice how funny this is though! Hahaha! Lesbians all look like auto mechanics and they hate makeup and they pee standing up.

No doubt patriotism is a major reason why some homosexuals would want to serve because they’re shrewd and they get that America, with all its foibles, is still the place to be.

None of the explanations for why Teh Gays would join the military is the slightest bit different than why Teh Heteros would: patriotism, poverty, mild sociopathy, idealism, or the judge told them to sign up or go to prison. The idea that there is some kind of secret Gay Covenant to join the Army and protect Gayness from Islam is one of the many bizarre figments of Doug's imagination. I'd wager they're a lot more worried about A) being outed and either dishonorably discharged or shunned, and B) the Christian right in the good ol' U.S. of A.

Yes, you don’t hear much about the Mexican Dream, or the French Dream, or the Slovakian Dream, but we still hear the American Dream touted,

Yes, we still hear about the American Dream…because every day more people are talking about how it no longer exists. We hear about it in the same way that we hear about the Titanic or the Dodo.

and I’m sure that protecting this status is the reason why most gays want to .50cal the idiots who hate us all to an early hell.

"I'm sure of it, based on my fertile imagination, this 1947 psychology book entitled Healing Homosexuality, and the zero gay people I have spoken to in my life."

But here’s my beef with homosexuals

Oh, good.

Do you really have to be flamboyant about your gayness every place you go? Can’t there be one sector of our society where you dial down with your sexual bent, say, for the greater good?

Oh, I agree, I agree. I mean, with DADT repealed the military is going to explode into one giant, messy gay sex riot. You'll hardly be able to walk around the barracks with all the empty poppers and tubes of AstroGlide. Teh Gays will be walking around in Speedos, fornicating like bunnies while bombs are going off all around them. The Straights will hardly be able to aim a weapon without their vision being blocked by a bunch of gay dudes 69ing each other and doing Village People dance routines.

Also, dialing down one's sex drive is a key prerequisite to being in the military, where 97% of the conversations among straight male enlisted men are certainly not about pussy and the acquisition thereof.

FYI to the G-A-Ys, the vast majority of men and women in our sacred military, however, are not gay, and they’ve got a deadly serious mission to carry out that doesn’t need the added distraction of your desire to strut that you’re gay.

If you need any additional evidence that Doug formed these ideas based on a late night viewing of The Birdcage (or perhaps Boat Trip) and some faded memories of early 1990s news footage of gay pride parades, here it is.

Isn't it possible that this repeal is more about gays not having to, you know, live in fear that their "secret" will be found out? Anyone who can rub two functioning neurons together can see that this is less about "strutting" and more about being left the hell alone. Which seems more plausible: that newly-protected (in the legal sense) gay servicemen are going to run around like coked-up Project Runway contestants painting rainbows on everything and organizing Judy Tenuta nights, or that they're going to breathe a little sigh of relief and carry on as usual?

Matter of fact, I’m a guessin’ that if you don’t chill out on this issue there will be a mass exodus of straight troops from our armed forces.

Regardless of what exactly he means by "chill out on this issue", I am confident that this is the dumbest prediction in the history of the internet. And that's saying something, DG.

Yep, if I were gay and in the service, I wouldn’t be distracting the multitudinous heterosexual troops who are kicking ass abroad or at home because, as stated, with this perennial enemy named Islam, you guys will be the first to be purged from the earth if they ever have it Mohamed’s way.

And that's exactly what they're doing, Doug – thinking of ways to distract The Heteros. Gays are uncontrollable sex fiends whose sole joy in life is to join the Army and whip their cocks out for straight guys. When the Taliban is attacking, 9 guys out of 10 will fight back while the last one dons assless chaps and tries to distract his comrades by offering them reacharounds.

You know what's going to happen now that DADT is repealed, Doug? Nothing. Nothing is going to happen. Nothing is going to change. That is why despite the best efforts "social conservatives" to stem the tide, the gay rights movement is making such rapid progress. For all the stories of child molestation and orgies and homosexual recruitment drives and all of the other Boogeyman stories that Jerry Falwell's kind have been telling for decades, every time gay people are formally "allowed" in some new arena of society nothing happens. Everything goes on exactly as it did before. And eventually sane people realize, "Hey wait a second…nothing happened. Gay teachers are not raping our kids. Gay NFL players are not trying to sodomize their teammates in the showers. Gay cops are not 'distracting' straight cops from doing their jobs. Gay politicians have voting records indistinguishable from their non-gay colleagues."

The world will go on exactly as it did before and some day we will look back with a mixture of bemusement and shame that anyone ever believed all of the shit the Moral Majority claimed that the Homosexual Agenda would do to our country. We will wonder how anyone considered such ridiculous predictions to be plausible, and those of us who lived through it will be at a loss for words.

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38 Responses to “DOUG GILES HITS THE FJM TRIFECTA”

  1. Comrade PhysioProf Says:

    Yes, you don’t hear much about the Mexican Dream, or the French Dream, or the Slovakian Dream, but we still hear the American Dream touted

    What's that fucken country we live in again? Oh, right. AMERICA!

  2. ladiesbane Says:

    I like how he equates "strut that you're gay" with "not lie about your orientation" — and did you also detect a note of envy about doing things "Mohamed's way"?

    Excellent FJM, but this guy makes my head explode, and his reader comments are even scarier.

  3. HoosierPoli Says:

    1. OK, I just skipped down when I read that, but did he really say "our sacred military"?! Like, really? Combing religious impulses with religious militarism is only the most dangerous combination in history, but whatever.

    2. DADT is just making the law fit with what the military already is. I've recently connected with a social circle that is 60 percent openly gay active military servicemembers. They don't hide that they're gay, they talk about it, and they're also active duty or recently retired. Gay people are everywhere in the military, and only people who are pig-ignorant about the military (like John McCain) doubt this.

    3. Gay people fill mission-critical roles. A couple of years ago I learned that at the time 60 Arabic linguists had been dismissed from the military under DADT. When you know that, you cannot legitimately argue that it's about military readiness.

    4. Really?! Are we STILL so squeamish about gay people? Holy shit, they're just gay people. It's not like they're hispanics or anything.

  4. Xynzee Says:

    I'm with Hoosier, "sacred military" what the???
    At no point have I ever read in standard Biblical texts, "… and the Lord sayeth I shall make unto Me an army great in might from a country in a far off land as yet discovered by thouest chimps just out of trees in Isreal. A country that I command to be called America, and it's military shall be holy unto me. Thus sayeth the Lord…"
    I really wish these idiots would stop quoting, as they're embarrassing to those of us who actually read the Bible.

    The repeal of DADT shouldn't be seen so much as progression, but as pragmatic acknowledgement of the reality of "Oh F…! we need man power and we need it badly."

  5. Turkler Says:

    The basic thrust (get it) of this guy's argument appears to be "Gays want to join the military because as bad as we Christians are to them, the Muslims sure are worse!" What an asshole.

    I recently watched McCain's horrendous speech about his worries about the repeal of DADT… I'm not so much enraged at that horrible troglodyte as I am enraged at the rest of Congress for not lining up to punch him in the face. That anyone could sit through that sort of bigotry without yelling is beyond me.

  6. Ben Says:

    Besides giving Ed grist for some good riffs, Doug's post serves one more useful function: it illustrates how effective the decision of gay rights activists to target DADT repeal was. The reason? It effectively shifts the debate from homosexual rights to national service and military effectiveness. In his final opus deriding a now-settled issue, Doug spends most of his time talking about issues of military effectiveness; even though he's on the wrong and bigoted side, he's phrasing his bigotry in terms that are overwhelmingly advantageous to the gay rights position.

    Why is it so advantageous? Besides being a much more concrete issue, and thus one that more people could get a handle on, it expands the scope of the issue to one that more people can get behind. Rights for a minority? Yeah, probably should happen, meh. National security is threatened OH SHIT NO TIME TO EVEN PHRASE IT AS A QUESTION LET'S GO. More importantly, the issue is expanded in such a way that the side most people will come down on, the "pro-national-security" side, is also the pro-gay-rights side. Fucktards like Doug excluded, most people can see that the issues HoosierPoli points out means that DADT was harming national security. DADT repeal thus becomes rephrased as "Like national security? Gotta like gays, then".

    The full political science behind this argument (including name-dropping the best name you can possibly drop, E.E. Schattschneider) is here: http://noompa.wordpress.com/2010/12/04/the-political-brilliance-of-dont-ask-dont-tell-repeal/

  7. comrade x Says:

    Not only was the premise moronic but Dougie's little screed was about the worst written document in the history of English.

  8. Comhradh Says:

    All of Giles' slash-fic fantasizing aside, I though we weren't at war with Islam? Didn't he get that memo?

  9. Matt Says:

    In Mr. Giles's defense, it's not exactly that he's making stuff up without a basis – he's probably such a pig bottom that he's just describing what HE'D be up to if he wasn't too much of a pussy and a closet case to join the Army. ;)

  10. Major Kong Says:

    Since when is the fucking military "sacred"?

    I served for 21 years and I find this kind of military fetishism more than a little creepy. That's the kind of thing I would expect to hear in North Korea or the Soviet Union back in the day.

  11. jon Says:

    Gays have wanted in for a long time, as this gay propaganda video from 1978 clearly displays: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InBXu-iY7cw

    "Where can you learn to fly planes and learn to skindive,
    study oceanography?"

    Yep, gays have taken up aviation, like McCain. And they sport wetsuits better than preachers who hogtie themselves and asphyxiate ( http://www.thesmokinggun.com/file/dead-reverends-rubber-fetish .) But then they're after science, probably so the global warming myths can be foisted upon us and make us all wear "assless chaps" (is there another kind?) so as to better harvest our farts to power the machinery of the 21st Century.

    The gays must be stopped!

    However, I'm surprised that Mr. Giles didn't learn anything about lesbians from what must be his extensive research in Penthouse Magazine. I do not understand what lesbian archetypes he has experienced, but everyone knows that lesbians are very sexy women who wear lace fingerless gloves, lots of makeup, high-heeled pumps, and skimpy lingerie that is often discarded so that they can use their long, carefully-manicured fingernails to pull their labia apart to display their love tunnels. Our boys at the front need these lesbians!

  12. Bette Noir Says:

    Surely, the end of the DADT debate is going to leave a huge, gaping void in American crazy. Hard to say what new non-issue will be sucked into that vacuum to be featured as the centerpiece of thoroughly inconsequential American preoccupation.

    Captain McCranky, the gentleman from Mars, will be forced to train his sights on new American character flaws, now that his sacred military has fallen to teh gayz.

    Oh well, at least we're all one step closer to teh Rapture . . .

  13. Denn Says:

    Sharia law (or its functional equivalent) is being advocated by our own (Christianist) fanatic fringe; why should gays, and the rest of us for that matter, obsess about the threat from Islam? DADT should have just been "don't worry about it."

  14. John Says:

    "The world will go on exactly as it did before and some day we will look back with a mixture of bemusement and shame that anyone ever believed all of the shit the Moral Majority claimed that the Homosexual Agenda would do to our country."

    Well, some (about half) of us will look back with bemusement and shame. The rest will, as they do now, scream at us about how anti-American we are to be holding America accountable for its sins.

  15. Southern Beale Says:

    Do you really have to be flamboyant about your gayness every place you go?

    Yes, that is the cons' beef with everything, isn't it? The homeless, the poor, the gays, the brown people … can't you people just go away? Go hide in your little cave? That's the conservative ideology in a nutshell. Everyone is happy and wealthy and wonderful and perfect just like me and if they're not … er, well, just go off and hide somewhere so I don't have to look at it and continue to live in my little happy fairland full of unicorns and puppes and Free Market Fairies.

    I harped on a local Teanuttie who got her panties in a twist in my local paper because the trash man left her a Christmas card and she's was ZOMFG MY TAX DOLLARS MY TAX DOLLARS yada yada …. SO tired of these people…

  16. Denn Says:

    On the other hand, perhaps we should leverage an ostentatious display of flamboyance, as a psyops consideration. Imagine the humiliation felt by homophobic militants at being defeated by a unit dressed like Klinger with chaps. It may rival burying their remains with pork products as a deterrent.

    /snark

  17. Drew Says:

    You know, reading this, one can start to understand why Hannah Giles just might be effective at playing a prostitute.

  18. displaced Capitalist Says:

    Has Doug ever served?

  19. Fifth Dentist Says:

    Heigh-ho (the KKKonservative KKKhristian version)
    (W/apologies to the person who penned this for Disney)

    We hate hate hate hate hate hate hate in our world the
    whole day through
    To hate hate hate hate hate hate hate is what we really like to do
    It ain't no trick to hate real quick
    If you hate hate hate like a fucktarded prick
    In a cave! In a cave! In a cave! In a cave!
    Where a million lunatics rave.

    We hate hate hate hate hate hate hate from early morn til night
    We hate hate hate hate hate hate hate on everyone in sight
    We hate on homos by the score
    A thousand liberals, sometimes more
    But we don't know what we hate 'em for
    We hate hate hate o–hate hate

    Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
    Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
    Heigh-ho

    [Chorus]
    Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
    It's off to hate we go
    [Whistle]

    Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

    heigh-ho, heigh-ho,
    It's off to hate we go
    Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
    [Whistle]

    Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
    Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
    Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
    Heigh-ho hum

    [Chorus three times]

    Heigh-ho [until fade]

  20. evrenseven Says:

    Ed- let me defend the old codger for a second…

    Perhaps it's not so much the "fear" that gays have that the US will somehow fall under Sharia law; but rather a more deep seeded compassion for gay people in Afghanistan, Iraq, etc. who suffer much greater tribulations than do gay people here. So, one potential "extra" reason (for lack of a better word) that a gay person may want to join the military is specifically because of the plight of gays in the Middle East. (Although you could roll that up into the reason anyone would join- to spread tasty generic freedom butter across the toast that is the middle east)

  21. Daniel Says:

    Please tell me that Giles doesn't get paid with real U.S. currency. He writes for free, right?

  22. Ben Says:

    no heels, no makeup, no chatty chicks on cell phones, you can cart a few extra pounds without being shamed into looking like Lindsay Lohan by Michelle Obama, and … you get to blow crap up and wear camo. I can empathize.

    Those last three words are the funniest thing in the whole columns.

  23. Monkey Business Says:

    Once again, it is left to the American Left to drag the American Right, kicking and screaming, into the next century. Someday, our children will look back on this and go "Holy fuck, what the hell were they thinking back then? This is just common fucking sense!", just like we do at the Civil Rights movement and Women's Suffrage. However, there will always be pockets of "resistance", people that refuse to accept the new way things are done, and will insist on persecuting anyone different from them, so that they might feel superior to someone for once in their miserable, god-forsaken lives.

    Once again, America proves Churchill's prophetic words in that we did the right thing, but only after we tried everything else.

  24. bb in GA Says:

    Let's see how this 'speriment turns out before we hang the "Mission Accomplished" banner.

    //bb

  25. Noshoes Says:

    Why does every homophobic column about the repeal mention "showers?" Back in the '70s, we were told that "women's liberation" meant that women and men would have to share bathrooms, along with other lies designed to scare us. Guess the same tactics are still in play!

  26. dick nixon Says:

    "When the Taliban is attacking, 9 guys out of 10 will fight back while the last one dons assless chaps and tries to distract his comrades by offering them reacharounds."

    At first I laughed, but quickly remembered what Heroditus had to say about those 30 gay Spartans that ruined everything for King Leonitis at Thermopylae.

  27. Fifth Dentist Says:

    @ dick nixon

    I'm pretty sure there were more than 30 of the teh ghey in the Spartan ranks. Manly men who knew how to wield their long, hard spears. If you know what I mean.

  28. Denn Says:

    I think the Spartans had a DADT policy for straights.

  29. Paul W. Luscher Says:

    Hey, look: you should be PROUD of Doug Giles. He was actually able to use words longer than one syllable in his column. Quite a feat for him…

  30. dick nixon Says:

    @Fifth Dentist

    Perhaps….Heroditus makes no mention of communal showers,though.

  31. My Says:

    Herodotus, please.

  32. heydave Says:

    Teh dear pastor Dougie has long been a favorite target of World O'Crap, and I lurve their stuff all the time.

    But you done pretty good here!

  33. Forefront TMG Says:

    Very informative post. I knew something new here. Thanks

  34. sinned34 Says:

    Whenever I hear the phrase, "American Dream", I think of a certain Al Murray video.

  35. don Says:

    in re "matter of fact, I'm guessing that if you don't chill out on this issue there will be a mass exodus of straight troops from our armed forces" – my coworker came into my office livid and ranting the other morning; she had not been quick enough to turn off the TV when some anti-repeal professional homophobe had been describing our certain doom once the delicate flowers of straight military manhood are exposed to The Gay. She particularly pointed out that the military now has a quite real, serious, and not-well-addressed problem with heterosexual male rape and harassment of military women. All in all we both thought it might be a good thing if openly gay servicemembers made straight men with with ugly and unresolved psychosexual and/or power issues so uncomfortable they had to leave.

    Also, John McCain has some guilty blow jobs in his past. They must have felt pretty good to have induced this level of terror for so long.

  36. Robert Says:

    Thanks for exposing me to Doug Giles, Ed. Don't think I can unring that bell. And the comments!
    Did those guys get kicked off FreeRepublic for being morlocks?
    The part that still amuses me is the showers. Every gay man I know, including me, has been in a locker room.
    It's called high school. Just because Giles imagines that it would be a garden of earthly delights doesn't make it so.

  37. Barry Says:

    "Perhaps….Heroditus makes no mention of communal showers,though."

    Back then, people only took showers when it rained. It was *all* communal –
    straight men, gay men, straight women, gay women, children, goats and sheep!