VESUVIUS

I'm going to keep it short today on account of the copious incoming traffic chewing on Monday's and Tuesday's posts. But we have enough time to indulge in a fun hypothetical.

Let's say that through a combination of fund-raising prowess, ideological militancy, and personal charisma, Jesse Jackson Sr. is able to assume a position of considerable behind-the-scenes power in the Democratic Party. His sway over elected Democrats is such that he manages to get 95% of the Democratic Congressional delegation, House and Senate, to sign an oath of personal loyalty to his policy goals. Specifically, they pledge that under no circumstances will they ever support cuts in Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, and other social welfare programs. Jackson believes that any such cuts will affect the poor and people of color disproportionately. Throughout the debate over the budget and debt ceiling, House and Senate Democrats refuse to even consider any proposal that touches any of those programs. It is a non-starter. Full stop. Because they swore an oath to Jesse Jackson that they wouldn't.

I'm sure you can see through this thin shoe-on-the-other-partisan-foot analogy to Grover Norquist's "Taxpayer Protection Pledge" that currently holds sway over the GOP. I do think it's interesting to draw out the hypothetical scenario, though, to underscore a point: Can you even imagine the sheer violence of the pant-shitting that the GOP, Teatards, and Beltway media would be engaged in if the shoe really was on the other foot? If every Democrat had signed a personal oath to an interest group and private citizen that took precedence over their oath to the American people and Constitution?

When I was about 6 months old I had such horrible diarrhea one day that my mother gave up constantly diapering and re-diapering me, instead opting simply to put me in the bathtub and rinse me down at intervals until my troubles passed. This is what I imagine we would have to do with the Tea Party and House GOP – find a derelict stadium (is RFK Stadium still standing?), cover its interior with industrial strength plastic sheeting, herd them all inside to explosively shit themselves until they could pant-shit no more, and then turn the fire hoses on them.

I really don't think some of them could survive Democrats signing loyalty pledges to Jesse Jackson. Sean Hannity's pants would disintegrate under the sheer force of the onslaught, and Eric Cantor would suffer some kind of explosive decompression, rupturing into several pieces and spraying hundreds of yards in all directions like a mighty shit geyser.

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46 Responses to “VESUVIUS”

  1. daphne Says:

    I'm guessing that's not the only thing your mother did right.

  2. wetcasements Says:

    "find a derelict stadium (is RFK Stadium still standing?), cover its interior with industrial strength plastic sheeting, herd them all inside to explosively shit themselves until they could pant-shit no more, and then turn the fire hoses on them."

    I am LOL'ing.

    Of course, they'd call it "Freedom Pooping."

  3. Tim H. Says:

    More fun than outlining the similarities between "Mutant-hyper-Reaganism", as excreted,oops, expressed by extreme "Free" market fans, and satanism.

  4. Nunya Says:

    I love you Ed, really. Thanks for the visual.

  5. tommytimp Says:

    Mighty Shit Geyser great name for a postpunk band CALLED IT!

  6. Hann1bal Says:

    That is why I read ginandtacos. For the pants-shitting jokes. Bravo. Bravo.

  7. Facehammer Says:

    This is a thing of beauty.

  8. Shane Says:

    Thank you Ed. This was a much needed laugh this morning.

  9. c u n d gulag Says:

    LOL!
    It would be the mother of all shit storms.
    A veritable BigShit Bang!
    We would be surrounded by the Shitlantic and Pashitic Oceans, and the Gulf of Mexshitco.

  10. Misterben Says:

    This is a really good point and very well made. Thank you.

  11. ABK Says:

    Because there were teabaggers. Real teabaggers. And there were thousands. This isn't some kind of metaphor, goddamn, this shit is real.

  12. Middle Seaman Says:

    Repeating ABK, this shit is real and current. The Jackson role is actually redundant. It would have been nice if we had a Democratic Party and, to quote my son, a president.

    The ubiquity of shit, makes most readers of G&T to shit of joy, doesn't obscure that fact that the Hannities and the bad-tea bags work for about 5% of the population while SS and Medicare is the destiny of us ninety fivers.

  13. Hazy Davy Says:

    Well, this simple, educational story is sure to undo the trend of massive readership.
    You know, by being simple. And educational. People hate that shit.

  14. Hazy Davy Says:

    (Also, while I like the illustrative purposes of your story, better, I like the RP's pledge better.

    http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/2011/07/new-tax-pledge-involving-grover.html )

  15. Denn Says:

    I advise caution. It might make awesome fertilizer for Astroturf.

  16. ladiesbane Says:

    Since we are discussing a fantasy land, like Lilliput, let's try to imagine a world in which a single politician, of the many hundreds who signed that pledge, is willing to stand up and revoke it.

    It's an easy out, too, since the ATR stresses that the pledge is made to the constituents. Don't you think it's in the constituents' best interest to have Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, roads, meat inspection, drug quality control? The constituents might!

    The Right beats the Left so often, in part, because they believe in closing ranks and falling into line, and is not inclusive of difference. On good days, this gives them a great power bloc to accomplish what they want. On bad days, it gives a pissant like Grover Norquist the reins to that power, and shows the individuals in that bloc to be spineless puppets.

    One reason I consistently choose the Left over the Right is that I prefer a government that can't get anything done, due to individual differences, to a government that does way too much of the wrong thing, by following the party line.

  17. Elder Futhark Says:

    A quick back-of-the-napkin physical calculation indicates that Sean Hannity's anus would spontaneously combust from the friction associated with the force of the liquid shit emanating from his puckered old butthole. Considering his butthole flexing exercises which make his sphincter so tight it almost flickers, this is akin to the irresistible-force -meets-immovable-object scenario.

    In fact, water molecules within the matrix of a Hannity faex would dissociate and the oxygen combine with the carbon of his intestinal linings, resulting in something akin to the old time celluloid nitrate film fires that took out silent movie theatres.

  18. kathy k. Says:

    Because I'm not from around here – who exactly IS Grover Norquist, and why do people think he's so important?

  19. Ike Says:

    Ed, I'm eating breakfast. Thank you so much.

  20. Elder Futhark Says:

    Dear kathy k.,

    Grover Norquist is, in the youth jargon of today, a fuckface.

    Love,

    Uncle Elder

  21. bookwormz Says:

    @ Kathy K. – read Ed's post, substitute Norquist's name for Jackson's, substitute "no new taxes, no raised taxes, no taxes even if the country is turning into Greece!" for anything about protecting entitlements, and you'll get a sense of who Norquist is. Or you can just go here: http://www.atr.org/about-grover

    How can anyone vote for a person who signs away part of their authority as an elected official is what I'd like to know?

    Anyway, thanks Ed for the visual! Awesome!

  22. c u n d gulag Says:

    kathy k.
    Grover 'Norquisling' Norquist is the 'fuckface' Conservative who hates social safety net programs and wants to end them, but who, if he can't succeed, in a few year will be the first in line to cash his SS check when he's eligible, and have Medicare pay for the treatment for the irritation on his butt cheecks from having Conservative political assholes kissing and slobbering over them for 30+ years.
    His mother probably wishes Roe v. Wade was passed a good 20 years earlier, so her loins didn't still carry the taint of having birthed him.

    And that, kathy k., is Norquisling.

  23. Rick Massimo Says:

    I've been saying this for years, but I never put a name on the equivalent to Norquist. This is perfect.

  24. acer Says:

    Norquist could use a tenth of Jackson's charisma:

    http://www.laobserved.com/biz/2011/07/post_226.php

    Also, yes. When Ed makes a pant-shitting reference, God smiles and takes a bong rip. I came for the Rand-bashing; I stayed for the pant-shitting.

  25. Hairless in Gaza Says:

    Yes, Ed, RFK *is* still standing. In fact, the mighty Anacostia River flows just past it on its majestic journey to the Blue Plains Advanced Water Treatment Plant (said journey being known locally as "the Brown Line").

    Things in the Dee of Cee being what they are, I doubt the good folks downstream at Oxon Hill would notice a difference. Tourists riding the Metro's Orange Line, however, might be overcome.

  26. OneMadClown Says:

    Hey Ed, completely OT but I just noticed your name and info as well as ts's removed from Instaputz – what happened? Just curious, as Instaputz was how I discovered G&T, and the site was never better than when all 3 of you were posting.

  27. chautauqua Says:

    Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

    I have a new blog that you're going to want to read: ShitForLess.com !! It covers everything about ShitForLess related stuff.

    Come and check it out if you get time :-)

  28. punkdavid Says:

    As much as I enjoyed the imagery of the last two paragraphs, I would have been able to share this piece with far more people had you left that part off.

    Unless your intent was to slow down traffic for the day (as you alluded to in the first paragraph), in which case well played, sir!

  29. Tosh Says:

    I wanna man a fire-hose
    *Jose or hoseB*

  30. Tosh Says:

    Names for "Storm"
    Haboorrhea…

  31. Tosh Says:

    Shit thesaursus
    http://www.poopnames.com/
    Be creative…

  32. Tosh Says:

    and!!! Haboorrhea (redundancies aside) has an islamofacist root. Im fuqqn brilliant!!!!

  33. Tosh Says:

    Haboob is the rooted from the Arabic word "phenomena"
    Haboorrhea- Shit spewing phenomena.

  34. Landru Says:

    We who regularly attend soccer games at RFK would really prefer that nothing be done to artificially enhance the stench, thanks.

  35. Natalie Says:

    Yeah. RFK's still up. DC United plays there. They can't get a team with more money to be interested.

  36. Edward Says:

    There would probably be even more panic if some prosecuter went after them for their criminal activities.

  37. wetcasements Says:

    BTW Ed, you were pretty confident in a previous post that the GOP would never anger their corporate paymasters by allowing the Fed to default.

    Still feeling 100% certain about that?

  38. eau Says:

    @wetcasements – This article has an interesting perspective on the defaults effect (or lack thereof) on the GOP paymasters.

    http://davidbrin.blogspot.com/2011/07/calling-bluff-on-debt-ceiling.html

    Yep, that's David Brin the sf author. Yep, I'm a nerd.

    The long comment thread contains some very interesting back-and-forths between various sane individuals from all across the political spectrum.

  39. skippy Says:

    Best. Thing. Ever. What a visual. Now…this absolutely should happen at Reliant Statdium in Texas, in conjuction with Rick (Hairy) Perry's upcoming Pray and Fast event. It would be an ever-so-fitting match up!

  40. Denn Says:

    Amusing conjunction indeed, Skippy. Would make for one of those careful-what-you-wish-for moral lessons: a prayer for rain answered with a shitstorm.

  41. get a clue Says:

    of course dems are signing pledges faster than you can make shit jokes:
    "More than 200 Democrats have signed onto a pledge to protect Social Security from any interference"

    Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1010/43754.html#ixzz1Sna3g7Ib

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