THE AGENDA

Don't ask me how – the less said about my methods and sources the better – but I have managed to get ahold of secret internal documents from House Republican caucus detailing the majority's legislative strategy for 2012. Yesterday I wrote about the return of Culture War-type issues due to the recent positive trend in key economic indicators shifting the GOP narrative. That they would attempt to turn the election into a referendum on hot button social issues is unsurprising, but a small, skeptical part of me wonders if a few of these bills they intend to introduce go too far. The tentative name for this set of proposals is "Contract with America Contract USA #1".

1. The Protecting Women's Rights Act, which bans all forms of contraception and replaces it with a four volume set of the collected works of Cotton and Increase Mather (also available as an audiobook).

2. The Reproductive Health Enhancement Act, which would require women to consent to having an Evangelical minister insert his hand into the vagina (up to the wrist, but no further) before receiving an ultrasound or other prenatal screening. This proposal has already been test-marketed in Virginia with much success.

3. The American Science Education Modernization Act, which will enhance American pupils' competitiveness in high tech fields by requiring schools to base science education on the Four Humours. The bill sets a benchmark of matching or exceeding Japanese, Chinese, and Western European test scores in science by 2018.

4. The Strengthening the Separation of Church and State Act, which establishes Protestantism as the official state religion and replaces the Establishment and Free Exercise Clauses with that "Footprints in the Sand" poem.

5. The Victims' Rights Act, which shifts the burden of proof from the state to the victim in cases of rape and child abuse.

6. The American Diplomacy Initiative Act, which places on the roof of every U.S. embassy an enormous set of speakers to play Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA" on a loop and a 200-foot bronze statue of a hand with the middle finger extended.

7. The Healthy Bodies, Healthy Democracy Act, which bans the Communist plot known as water fluoridation and replaces the USDA food pyramid with an image of a 10-gallon steel bucket full of bacon, KFC Double Downs, and rich sausage gravy.

8. The Equal Rights for All Americans Act, which replaces civil unions for same-sex couples with indefinite internment in an open prison camp in the Sonoran desert.

9. The Biotechnology Advancement Act, which replaces stem cell research with fervent prayer and a national network of hallways in which Alzheimer's and Parkinson's patients can "walk it off" rather than being a bunch of pussies waiting for the doctor to kiss their boo-boos.

10. The Rebuilding America's Public Schools Act, which replaces funding for education with vouchers (for free pizza at participating Godfather's Pizza locations) and eliminates teachers in favor of marketing videos from prominent PR firms and their largest clients.

It's an ambitious agenda, I'll give Speaker Boehner that much. Can they pass all of this in an election year? More importantly, will they succeed in making this election about issues such as homosexual desert prison camps and state-mandated fisting? The smart money says Yes.

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25 Responses to “THE AGENDA”

  1. Xynzee Says:

    Ed,
    How could you forget The Keep 'Mur'ka Safe-n-Strong Act. This important act will enable to increase the size of the military while keeping military expenditure down, by quartering armed service personnel in private citizens' homes. Citizens will be required to offer room, board and domestic needs to service personnel. These personnel will in turn keep citizens safe by keeping a close and careful watch over them.

  2. Middle Seaman Says:

    Obama has promised to help out in an impartial way. In particular, he offered green non-abortions, return of DADT to keep the peace and the return of non-slavery slavery for anyone below the poverty line.

    Naomi Klein and Glen Greenwald have denounced the fact that oppressive measure on Israel were not included and demanded dropping of nuclear bombs on Tel Aviv.

    The Koch brothers demanded the government immediately surrender the social security trust fund to their control.

    Newt wants execution of one hundred gay individuals a week until 2019.

    Romney agreed with everything and, as president, he'll shorten the time table.

    Paradise achieved.

  3. Drivebyposter Says:

    You god damned communist. It's very CLEAR that #5 is VERY OBVIOUSLY AND CLEARLY forged. OBVIOUSLY. Why are you all paying attention to these things when I declared that one is fake on literally no evidence? Hmm? Because you're in league with Satan (and therefore against Santorum).

  4. c u n d gulag Says:

    WOW!
    A walk-off grand-slam, a three at the buzzer, and a TD in the corner as the clock runs down to 0:00, to win the game – ALL IN ONE!!!

    We're not worthy, we're not worthy…

  5. RT Butte Says:

    I honestly can't tell if Drivebyposter is being SERIOUS or not, and that is BOTH HILARIOUS AND SAD. OBVIOUSLY.

  6. jeffteaches Says:

    -Golf clap-

    Martini?

  7. jeffteaches Says:

    The titles make this piece satirical genius. I know. I live in a "Right to Work" state!

  8. ladiesbane Says:

    Best ever.

  9. Major Kong Says:

    Impressive. Bordering on spectacular.

  10. acer Says:

    Don't forget the initiative to replace the 13th Amendment with a long, impenetrable passage from Atlas Shrugged.

  11. zach Says:

    You missed anti-environmental legislation. 2011 was one of the most anti-environmental Congresses ever seen. More than 1/5 votes were anti-environmental bills.

  12. garry Says:

    you know, i generally oppose pretty much everything these bastards want to do. but rich sausage gravy? that's gonna be a tough one. trying to keep the faith.

  13. johnsmith1882 Says:

    daaaamn, ed. to play off of gulag's remarks:

    the feeling of striking a ball squarely and firmly. the microsecond when the ball seems to compress and flatten, the bat explodes into a million fragments of ash and reconstitutes back. all in the fraction of an instant; and then give. it feels like nothing and everything all at once. no sting, no need to wear batting gloves; you hit it right on the sweet spot. krakk! the ball jumps off the bat, and arcs away in a beautiful parabola scientists later measure as the exact right 41 degrees.

    right on the sweet spot, square and firm, ed. if it's not a home run, it's a bases-clearing double in the gap, which is just as good, and oftentimes better, because it keeps the momentum going.

  14. mothra Says:

    I'll chime in with you forgetting the "Transportation for All" Act which provides every Murkan with honkin' gas-guzzlin SUV because using up the earth's resources while poisoning it for future generations is a God-given right! Also removes any and all funding from any sort of alternative transportation and moves it all to funds for paving the entire USofA.

    (This is not really a joke—anyone seen the House's Transporation Bill? Basically says exactly what I have said above>

  15. The Everlasting Dave Says:

    I'm gonna be giggling about the Four Humours for the rest of the day, at least. This is both scary and groin-grabbingly transcendent.

  16. anotherbozo Says:

    I came late to the party today. Almost missed Ed at his funniest and most scathing. Or is that redundant?

  17. Chris Says:

    Epic bloggage.

  18. tybee Says:

    i see that candidate frothy was right: academia was the first to fall to satan.

  19. Celynne Says:

    Brilliance! Sheer brilliance! And I'd even find it amusing if I wasn't terrified that it's true.

  20. Michael S. Says:

    I had a gin and tonic (with fish tacos) for dinner last night, and this is the first result when Googling 'gin and tacos.' Good blogging to you, sir!

  21. Bernard Says:

    i can't tell you the number of people who love, absolutely love Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be American." i am so unable to look at these people with any kind of humanity. i am just flabbergasted at what and who is walking and breathing around me. this has to be one of the signs that you are just citing EXISTING operating behavior.

    i just wish this was hyperbole. sadly it isn't

  22. eau Says:

    Epic.

  23. Julie Says:

    Oh come on, Ed, you must know that Vesalius disproved the existence of black bile back in the 16th c. We have long known that all disease is caused by imbalances in the other three humours + God's Will.

  24. Gertrude Huisenga Says:

    We should always focus on social issues so that we can solve them as early as posible. '

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