K-LO CONDENSES STUPID AND ENDS UP WITH THE FJM TREATMENT

Kathryn Jean Lopez (aka K-Lo) over at America's Shittiest Websitetm was flabbergasted – just flabbergasted, I tell you – to see Beyonce's scandalous outfit during the Super Bowl halftime show. She rushed to her keyboard as soon as she finished her Reagan prayers on Monday morning to voice her displeasure while letting us all know that she's totally not a prude or a wet blanket – she just doesn't understand why everyone is such a whore all the time.

I don't want to linger on this,

Of course you don't. And we won't. In fact, we'll probably never hear of this as long as what you say about it isn't incredibly stup…

Oh.

but last night's Super Bowl halftime show was ridiculous

Really? A halftime show? At the Super Bowl? At an event known around the globe for its taste, restraint, and understated appeal to the better angels of mankind's nature?

I can't believe it was ridiculous, after we entrusted it to continue the tradition of previous halftime performers like Prince and the Black Eyed Peas.

— and gratuitously so.

Oh, I get it now. By "ridiculous" you meant it enraged the 1940s schoolmarm that you try to pretend you aren't. That's why you always have to tell us that you're Hip, right before launching into one of Granddad's favorite lectures about hemlines or the rock music or Paul Harvey or whatever.

Watching Twitter, it was really no surprise that men made comments about stripper poles and putting dollar bills through their TV sets, was it?

When men say sexist shit, it's women's fault. Also, Twitter is a good place to go to see intelligent commentary. Like the former director of the South Carolina GOP, who used the occasion to tweet "This Super Bowl sucks more dick than adult Trayvon Martin would have for drug money." followed by "I agree that Trayvon Martin was a dangerous thug who needed to be put down like a rabid dog."

Why can't we have a national entertainment moment that does not include a mother gyrating in a black teddy?

Let me get this straight…the NFL and CBS conspired to make one of the sexiest women in the history of the universe wear something revealing in the interest of ratings? To keep people from turning to Puppy Bowl IX? To hold viewers' interest during halftime when they might ordinarily retreat to the kitchen, expel urine from their bodies, or step outside to smoke? To appeal to a wide range of non-traditional football viewers?

This is all just staggering. To someone who was frozen in 1951 and reanimated minutes before this game began.

The priceless moment was Destiny's Child reuniting to ask that someone "put a ring on it." As I mentioned on Twitter last night, perhaps that case might be best made in another outfit, perhaps without the crotch grabbing.

Yes, if you're ever going to sing about marriage or discuss the subject with a man, you can't be wearing anything sexy. You need a good, respectable Muslim Chastity Cloak or something along those lines.

It seems quite disappointing that Michelle Obama would feel the need to tweet about how "proud" she is of Beyonce.

Bill Kristol: "Did you manage to work in a dig on the Obamas?
K-Lo: "Yes, master."
Bill Kristol: "Good. Good." (hands her a Pupperoni)

The woman is talented, has a beautiful voice, and could be a role model. And she is on some levels — on others she is an example of cultural surrender, rather than leadership.

This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Seriously, the second sentence is just an amalgam of words, and if she's not a role model then who cares what she does, ever.

Here's the outfit, by the way.

beyonce

Essentially a one-piece bathing suit, plus a little extra fabric. Would one wear it to church? No. But I've seen more "scandalous" things at the average Halloween party. Not exactly NC-17 material here.

When I saw the first lady's tweet, I couldn't help but think of the president talking about abortion in terms of his daughters' freedom.

"I couldn't help but engage in this complete non-sequitur to make some sort of pro-life statement, as I am contractually obligated to do in every single thing I write, in a column about a woman showing some titty during a football game. What were we even talking about?"

I so want the Obamas to be leaders on building a culture of marriage and fatherhood and human dignity.

Why can't Obama be more like Rick Santorum? I'm ever so disappointed. I totes thought he would be, and I am not at all concern trolling.

Their actions seem to be telling me to get over my delusion.

I wholeheartedly agree that you should get over your delusions, but maybe start with the real ones instead of the one you're faking so you can pretend to be outraged and disappointed.

We need to raise our standards. Is it crazy to think we can, even at the Super Bowl?

This is what drives me the craziest about right-wing opinion columnists and K-Lo in particular – they're just such bad writers. Ignore the content and ideology, and you are basically reading a high school sophomore's writing assignment with these people. Look at that again. That's what she closed with. In fairness, I suppose just about anything will do as a closer – the purpose of which is to wrap up and put an exclamation point on your argument – when you write a mess of half-baked ideas that have nothing to do with one another.

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49 Responses to “K-LO CONDENSES STUPID AND ENDS UP WITH THE FJM TREATMENT”

  1. Middle Seaman Says:

    And why should I care?

  2. Sean Says:

    Awesome rant, Bro, one of your best ever!

  3. xynzee Says:

    Sometimes I wonder what you have your Google Alerts settings on, and I'm not sure they're necessarily good for your mental well being.

  4. J. Dryden Says:

    What are the odds that Ms. Lopez, in the secret hours between midnight and dawn, dresses up in an elaborate Gandalf-the-Grey costume, and then gets out, from the same closet, a life-sized cut-out of whatever celebrity she feels is 'pushing the boundaries of common decency' (I'm betting the Katie Perry one has been hauled out enough to show fraying around the edges), and then spending a hour or two shrieking "You shall not pass!!!", until she feels all better and crawls into bed to masturbate herself to sleep with images of being the meat in a Reagan and John Wayne sandwich?

    Her 'outrage' here reminded me of the 'orgasm' of a *really* inexpensive truck-stop prostitute–the subtext of 'I'm gettin' paid, I'm gettin' paid' was distinct. And that, more than anything, is why her writing resembles that of a sophomore–it feels *assigned*. She's not shocked, she's not offended, and she has never hoped for anything from the Obamas. She is getting paid, and not much, to say what she must for people who already agree with her, and the more I think about the emotional state that must engender, the more I realize that the bleak image of the rent-by-the-hour motel hooker is pretty much spot-on. She finished, wiped off her chin, and called out to Kristol's departing back: "You gonna call me, baby?" And he didn't bother to answer–just dropped the twenty like a gum wrapper and kept going.

    (Now see, Mr. Lopez? *That* is how you lower the national discourse.)

  5. Glen.h Says:

    Won't anyone think of the children?

  6. Nunya Says:

    The reason that there are no longer any smart Republicans is the moment you become smart, you simply have to abandon the party.

  7. Both Sides Do It Says:

    Paul Harvey

    And on the eighth day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, "I need a scold."

    So God made a K-Lo.

    God said, "I need somebody willing to get up before dawn, feed their sense of superiority, write all day on immensely complex human problems about which they know nothing, feed their superiority again, eat supper – and then ramble to their cats past midnight about how there are no platforms for a specific brand of incessant theologic nagging."

    So God made a K-Lo.

    God said, "I need somebody with prose limp enough to embarrass a teen yet smug enough to judge literally every person who ever lived…

    Someone to shame the sluts, fellate the rich, come home paid for your efforts and watch TV portray things you disagree with – then complain the world is a nasty place – and mean it."

    So God made a K-Lo.

    God said, "I need somebody arrogant enough to think that their warmed-over, dumbed-down approach to a completely inadequate conception of human behavior can offer prescriptions for all society's ills…

    And yet, obedient enough to authority that they can bring themselves to create all manner of obscene excuses when the human institutions promoting that conception commit decade upon decade of the most heinous kinds of abuse and cover it up at the highest levels."

    So God made a K-Lo.

    It had to be somebody who'd write short and dull and not get bored… somebody to whine, whinge, wheedle, wheeze and complain and judge and exclude and divide and praise the men and deny the women and damn the different… and complete a hard day's pridefulness with a 5-minute visit to church.

    Somebody who'd base their professional life on a doctrine of caring for the downtrodden…

    Who would laugh… and then smirk… and then reply with scornful eyes…

    When someone says they think women and minorities and the poor need more power in society.

    So – God made a K-Lo.

  8. RJ Says:

    Hmmm…Is there some kind of link between homely, overweight conservative women and their constant ranting about beautiful, thin women getting all the men horned up…?

  9. Sarah Says:

    There's plenty of stuff that she can be watching or doing if she really wants to go all retro and pretend she's living in her fantasy "good old days." Does she know that Amish literature is a thing? She can get rid of her television and learn to quilt and crochet doilies.

  10. Zebbidie Says:

    Look I know that Ms Lopez is a blue-nosed, purse mouth prig, but can her views be discredited without pointing out that she is both morbidly obese, does not conform to the current beauty standards and is probably desperately lonely?

    Really, just because I disagree with her politics, does not make me any less of a sexist prick if I triumphantly point out that her looks do not make me wish to have sex with her.

  11. A Says:

    In 1986 (or somewhere there abouts), the super bowl half time dancers wore high-cut leotards… This isn't that much different…

  12. c u n d gulag Says:

    Jayzoos H. Keerist!
    That's not even a word-salad.
    That's more like a half-baked word-ratatoille!

    I pity poor K-Lo:
    A woman tasked with tut-tutting about something she's never experienced – S-E-X, sex. SEX!!!

    She couldn't get laid with a fistful of pardons in a prison – men's, or women's.

    And Ed, I admire your sacrifice.
    Usually, when I start reading some Conservative idiot's screed, and I can feel my IQ drop a point a word, I stop, and find something else to amuse myself with.
    You're now a less bright person for having read that idiot's assembly of word-turds to whatever conclusion it came to.

    We do appreciate it, though. This post was BRILLIANT!

    As for your wondering about K-Lo's hidden dream, "Why can't Obama be more like Rick Santorum?"
    Well, partly because he's not religiously delusional enough to bring home a dead fetal-sibling for his living children to play with, and get to "know," before bringing it back to be prepared for its funeral.
    The poor child, dead, due to some fatal fetal flaw, probably caused by his own diseased man-seed.
    Rick Santorum is a religious nut.
    President Obama ain't.

    Now, I can hardly wait until the righties find out that Beyonce's Super Bowl performance, was possibly-synced!
    They'll have another hissy-fit tempest in their tea-potty.

  13. c u n d gulag Says:

    OY!
    That 2nd to last sentence should finish with, 'possibly lip-synced.'

  14. Mr. Prosser Says:

    I think Beyonce's outfit was borrowed from any one of many Olympic figure skaters.

  15. xynzee Says:

    Gold! Gold! Gold! for both sides!

  16. c u n d gulag Says:

    Both Sides Do It,
    Most, most, excellent!!!

  17. ladiesbane Says:

    Best ever FJM *and* comments. This improved a day destined to blow. My thanks to everyone involved.

  18. Hazy Davy Says:

    Too easy for you, and yet wonderfully entertaining for me.

  19. proverbialleadballoon Says:

    Funny that K-Lo fails to mention the first lady's Let's Move Initiative, or the song and video Beyonce made to be shown in schools, seeing as that would be an easy connection to make, as she puts Mrs. Obama and Beyonce together, via tweet; especially in the 'acting as a role model' department. But, you know, teaching kids to exercise is anti-freedom indoctrination, or something, and women should be ashamed of their bodies and sex. Because life is precious, and God, and the Bible.

  20. acer Says:

    K-Lo is no Andrea Peyser.

  21. J. Dryden Says:

    @ Both Sides Do It: Slow clap, then joined by another, then another, and then the crowd is on its feet with the sound of thunderous joy. Bravo.

    @ Zebbidie: Ms. Lopez's personal appearance is, as you rightly point out, irrelevant to the discussion. (Id: "But it's so much fun!" Superego: "Quiet, you–we're trying to make a point here.") "She's just jealous" is a comeback that descends to the level of idiocy offered by Ms. Lopez herself, and risks losing the argument (which would be like losing a footrace to a paperweight.) Better, much, to focus on her words/actions, which are objectively horrible.

  22. Elle Says:

    Is K-Lo for reals trying to persuade her audience that she imagined Beyonce would be performing in a crisp gingham knee-length frock? What disingenuous flummery.

    I was more aghast by the men tweeting that they were turning off their TV during halftime, because watching Beyonce perform wasn't 'glorifying God'. I guess that God is more enthusiastic about men in unfathomably tight pants smacking each other, because that part didn't seem to be presenting them with any problem at all. I find the 'modesty and purity' agenda to be utterly creepifying.

  23. mothra Says:

    Really, just because I disagree with her politics, does not make me any less of a sexist prick if I triumphantly point out that her looks do not make me wish to have sex with her.

    Thank you, Zebiddie. The problem with J-Lope is indeed her prudish judgment and crappy writing. I also would like to remind people out there that some folks prefer a "puffy" partner when making the beasts with two backs. Built for comfort and all that.

  24. Rosalux Says:

    I guess I'm a symptom of cultural decadence, but I was kind of hoping Beyonce's outfit would be a bit racier. Cause dayum she's a good lookin woman! But burka's are cool too I guess…

  25. Sarah Says:

    Is K-Lo for reals trying to persuade her audience that she imagined Beyonce would be performing in a crisp gingham knee-length frock? What disingenuous flummery.

    I was more aghast by the men tweeting that they were turning off their TV during halftime, because watching Beyonce perform wasn't 'glorifying God'. I guess that God is more enthusiastic about men in unfathomably tight pants smacking each other, because that part didn't seem to be presenting them with any problem at all. I find the 'modesty and purity' agenda to be utterly creepifying.

    It's too bad June Carter Cash is dead. Loretta Lynn is about 80 years old, but I believe she performs wearing neck-to-ankles dresses. Her sister Crystal Gayle probably dresses too sexily, though, from the pictures I've seen. Any other ideas?

  26. sarah Says:

    i dunno, i think the obama family is a pretty good example of marriage and fatherhood (and motherhood,) and they're pretty dignified too.

  27. Elle Says:

    It's too bad June Carter Cash is dead. Loretta Lynn is about 80 years old, but I believe she performs wearing neck-to-ankles dresses. Her sister Crystal Gayle probably dresses too sexily, though, from the pictures I've seen. Any other ideas?

    I think that K-Lo would probably be happy with anything from FunkyFrum.com. There's a lovely velvet hoodie and velvet ankle length skirt combo that would be, uh, super attractive.

  28. Major Kong Says:

    Um, shouldn't K-Lo be married and staying at home being submissive to her husband instead of working?

    Tramp!

  29. Hera Pindrop Says:

    Perhaps this conservative writer was just disappointed that we did not have another occasion for serious national dialogue over topics which really matter, such as was afforded by the Janet Jackson Nipplegate half-time event, some years back. Those were the days!

  30. Xynzee Says:

    @Elle: "There's a lovely velvet hoodie"

    Sorry Elle, no hoodies. Not on national tv, and certainly not on a darker complected girl. Especially at half time.

    Think about the ad revenue that would be lost when all the Zimmerman wannabes shot their tvs because there was dark person wearing a hoodie at night. You know she looked really threatening on a super large HDTV. Did you see the way she wielded that microphone? Thought she'd try to club me, so I had to shoot.

    So best leave off the hoodie. ;)

  31. cromartie Says:

    Could someone just buy this woman a Sky Angel dish and locker her in a house without internet access so we can all get on with our lives?

  32. DB Says:

    "It seems quite disappointing that Michelle Obama would feel the need to tweet about how "proud" she is of Beyonce."

    What a weird sentence.

    I like how she doesn't claim it *is* disappointing; no, it *seems* disappointing. I guess there are two ways of interpreting this:

    (1) It gives her the impression of failing to fulfill her hopes, but she's not sure about whether that impression is accurate; perhaps it does fulfill her hopes after all.

    (2) The feeling it provokes in her appears to her to be one of great disappointment, but she's not certain about this; perhaps it's actually just one of a little disappointment or a different feeling altogether.

    Also, I like how it's not Michelle Obama's tweet per se that may or may not be disappointing to K-Lo; no, it's the fact that she felt "the need" to tweet it.

    And not just *a* need, mind you; no, *the* need to tweet it, because clearly, the need to tweet about how proud one is of Beyonce's Super Bowl XLVII half-time performance is an already established, commonly known thing.

  33. The Mad Dreamer Says:

    "Sorry Elle, no hoodies. Not on national tv, and certainly not on a darker complected girl. Especially at half time [....]"

    It would stimulate the economy…

  34. eau Says:

    Maybe I'm just a male-gazin' misogysexist, but I don't think it's unreasonable to postulate that envy may be part of K-Lo's problem with Beyonce. Envy of Beyonce's overt sexuality, squillions of dollars, fabulous life, millions of adoring fans, and yes, envy of her ridculously beautiful physical form.

    I'd also note that the host of our little chats here is both a polisci geek *and* a stand-up comedian. Jokes are allowed, even off-colour ones.

    Do we really want to be the pc warriors so much of the right see us as?

  35. Elle Says:

    @Eau

    Is it reasonable to suggest that K-Lo is envious of Beyonce? Does she seem to have a particular bee in her bonnet about Beyonce specifically, or is she just hanging her usual vapid nonsense on the obvious news peg this week?

    I felt a brief flash of envy this morning, as I saw a tweet from someone in my world who had been invited to do something cool that I might reasonably have been invited to do. Perhaps I'm strange, but the idea of me (or K-Lo) being envious of Beyonce makes about as much sense as being envious of the planet Mercury.

    There's a stereotype that women are more likely to be bitchy, unsisterly, catty, and motivated by personal animus than men. If we use that stereotype in analysing the words that people write, then we'll probably miss most of the point.

  36. ladiesbane Says:

    @Elle: I think the bitchy/unsisterly stereotype seems to hold true within the sphere of conservative women who focus on judging other women harshly and prudishly, often by religious standards. Lopez may not be experiencing envy at all, but if she is, I suspect it's for the freedom.

    "Good girls" who go to religious schools are rewarded for being judgmental, since it displays proper values. An occasional side effect is resentment of free spirits and nonconformists. "If I don't get to do X, why does SHE get to? If she doesn't have to dress and behave like Pollyanna to get love and praise, why must I?"

    If you resolve this by believing the good-girl bill of goods you've been sold, and stop questioning those beliefs right around junior high, you grow up to support Rick Santorum, and think internalized sexism equals moral fiber. Do you remember Lopez's anti-gay, anti-same-sex-marriage interview with Maggie Gallagher? These are two women who aspire to fit the cookie cutter.

  37. Sarah Says:

    I'd also note that the host of our little chats here is both a polisci geek *and* a stand-up comedian.

    He also says (or, at least, implies) in this very post that he opposes men saying sexist bullshit.

    Do we really want to be the pc warriors so much of the right see us as?

    Um–wait. You're saying you want sexist jokes to be okay? Are we going to be making racist jokes too? Because it seems like righties want that as well. Rush & Co. are doing those all the time and there's a movement to call them out on it and pressure their sponsors into dropping them for it. I don't agree with our buddy bb on very much, but he does have a point when he says that liberal dudes are getting a pass for saying sexist stuff while calling out righties for the same thing, and that it seems just a teeny bit hypocritical.

    I've seen comedians who have managed to be funny while refraining from disparaging women and minorities.

  38. acer Says:

    @Sarah:

    I KNOW! They even keep their daughters off of social media. I'm not sure I'd have the authority to do that.

  39. Major Kong Says:

    K-Lo would be hideous even if she looked like Beyonce.

  40. Wellstone's Ghost Says:

    William F Buckley tosses in his grave somewhere at what poops out of his NRO editors mouths.

  41. Amanda Says:

    We should reward all these people with pupperoni. totes lulz.

  42. J. Dryden Says:

    Sexist jokes *can* be funny. So can racist jokes. And anti-gay jokes. Just about anything can be funny–hell, even pedophilia jokes can be funny. Not to everyone, of course, and most humor of that sort is the equivalent of drunken sex with an ex–the self-loathing afterwards is proportionate to the enjoyment during.

    But "being funny" isn't the primary goal of most of the people here. (Maybe it should be, but I shudder to think what we'll become if that's our new mission statement.) It's "responding intelligently to horror/stupidity, thus providing a bulwark against said horror/stupidity." The problem with "being funny" about Ms. Lopez's appearance (and I should state that I've never seen a photo of her, so I've no idea what that appearance is) is mocking her for something over which she has no control. It's like mocking little people for being short–it's cheating. And it's not being politically correct or killjoyish to point this out–I rather suspect that Elle and Sarah and ladiesbane are perfectly delighted to rip Ms. Lopez apart for her actions, her decisions, her ideas–for all the ways in which she chooses to be a horrible, horrible person. But she didn't get to pick her gender or her facial features–they are in no way reflective of her awfulness. So to make those the targets of our mockery is just…well, cheating, to repeat myself.

    And cheating is what the *other guys* do. It's what Ms. Lopez does when she demands that other women conform to her idea of "what proper behavior becoming a person with a vagina" is. We may not be "better" than that–but dammit, we're wittier than that.

    In short, "Shut the fuck up, you stupid, ignorant, barbaric, hypocritical empty suit" is perfectly fine. "Shut up, you ugly bitch" is not. Even if it's funny. But really, if you can't be satisfied with calling someone a "hebetudinous jagoff," I just can't help you.

  43. Bitter Scribe Says:

    I so want the Obamas to be leaders on building a culture of marriage and fatherhood and human dignity.

    Yeah, what a pity Newt "I Want an Open Marriage" Gingrich isn't available.

  44. Elle Says:

    That is a most helpful way of framing the actions and attitudes of those conservative women, Ladiesbane.

  45. Matt Says:

    Somebody should remind Ms. K-Lo that the driving force behind the selection of a halftime show is THE MARKET. The organizers are just trying to produce the most shareholder value from their program – who could possibly object to that? :)

  46. eau Says:

    Interesting points well put, all. And thanks for engaging. You're all correct, of course, that discussion of K-Lo's looks (I have never laid eyes on her either) are at best beside the point. I just think we've filed the trigger a little short when RJ's passing comment is reinterpreted as "triumphantly point(ing) out that her looks do not make me wish to have sex with her"
    or "Shut up, you ugly bitch". That's unfair, innacurate and seems to border on feminist concern trolling, to my untrained eye.

    I most often find myself on the opposite side of these discussions, and agree wholeheartedly that free passes for "our side" sexism/racism/ whateverism are not cool. But lazy point-scoring and smackdowns on fellow liberal/lefties is a bit of a personal bugbear for me, and something I think hampers our collective, wider efforts.

    I also think that say… Bill Clinton, Obama and the like provoke particular ire from their enemies due to their effortless cool and obvious appeal to the ladies (and the lad lovin' lads, natch), so it's not a gender-specific phenomenon. I'd go so far to say that personal envy is one of the pillars of modern conservatism.

    All that said, as is so often the case, Ladiesbane in particular has taken my spongy, not-fully-thought-through thinking and developed it into an argument I wish I had put forward in the first place. Bravo.

  47. camasblues Says:

    I think K Lo's post was just one of those conservative by-the-numbers things – we're supposed to feign some pop culture outrage, so let's post some forgettable pop culture outrage…

    And her tut tutting of Beyonce is trite even by NRO standard. My own hypothesis 'bout K Lo is that she is asexual, and that she really has no understanding of sex and sexuality. And doesn't have the chops to approach it in an intellectual way.

  48. ladiesbane Says:

    Thanks, eau. The Prissy Bitch bathroom was far scarier than the Bad Girl Bathroom, but I did hard time in both.

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