SIGN TO HAVE SEXYTIME WITH LATVIAN GIRL

(Publisher's Note: Ed is currently indisposed, so his Latvian pal Ivars will be handling today's post.)

Hello Gin with taco! Is Ivars! I have made many recover from trip to Burning Man where children of politburo trip balls in desert. Ed give to me many weblink for topic of posting, and I pick one that cause many confuse. I ask American friend, what is "24 Signs She's a Slut" and why is angry many reader? She explain but still I have confuse. Is supposed to be list of ways for tell if American woman is…prepare for sexytime. Is maybe different for America, but in Latvia cannot tell. Unless lady give family turnip on first date – then is guarantee of many sexytimes!

When explain to me my friend this 24 list, I must confess is very confuse. Many of 24 signs are just description of to be female. Have tan? Dye for hair? Have boobs? Is almost every Latvian girl! Except for tan. Is not good skin sometimes, if harvest of turnip is bad. But who is writer of this list? He sound like man with many problem and very small loaf of bread, if you get Ivars! He sound like he make many rape. Is all American man like this? Women of Latvia should not go to America for being with rape man. As Russian say, "nyet!" But enough about Russian, Russia is hole of ass.

I have many question. Please to help understand.

What is "slut face"? Writing man seem to think all lady have slut face. Maybe is only face of slut because man think all lady is slut.

Why is lady easy for sexytime when she make swearing? My mother make many swear, and she hate sexytime, says my father! Ha! But for serious, this is very silly.

Why does hair on body make for slut? Latvian woman have hair to stay warm for winter. Is also why Latvian woman eat like Latvian man, to make winter without die of starve.

What is "sorority"? Is like army? Ivars was in army. Is not like to talk about it.

What is "known party college"? In Latvia, all college is for party! Many party, I drink beer until take off pants. Sometimes friend will say, "Oh Ivars, you wear your pants!" American college is for party too, yes?

What is "tequila"? Have not taste tequila but who does not like shots? Is for party! And also for celebrate! And also for warm, when piece of shit Lada stop in winter.

Why is "feminist" more sexytime? Is feminist not mortal enemy of bag of douche like man who write this? If writer man say all of this is sign of slut, he sound not like he know anything about American lady.

In Latvia, is one way to tell if girl is for sexytime: She will say! Some time she say, "I want no sexytime" and other time she take off shirt and ask Ivars to put hands on her sweater turnips. Is not all the same, yes? Some lady in Latvia is for sexytime very eager, others like sexytime not at all. To find out is why for go on date and have many talk.

Is very silly, this link of web. Why is entire website by man who is very obvious know nothing of woman? Maybe should make website for how to stroke little Brezhnev with hand – is probably expert! Ha!

America is wonderful, but is sometime very hard for understand.

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32 Responses to “SIGN TO HAVE SEXYTIME WITH LATVIAN GIRL”

  1. Doomed, we are Says:

    Ivars vs. the Man-o-sphere! The possibilities are endless!

  2. J. Dryden Says:

    Oh Ivars, how I wish I could make you understand. The gulf between your world and ours is so great, and while your English is certainly much better than my Latvian, I fear that such concepts as "douche-nozzle" and "micropenis" do not translate well into the magical speech of the shores of Lake Pape.

    Let us say this: American men is mostly not men. Is not boys, even. Is something closer to the Monkey-Wolves of the Courland region. (I'm sure I don't need to tell you more–every Latvian has lost at least one family member to that feral tribe of abominations.)

    Yet unlike Monkey-Wolves, American men is have internets. And when have internets, do what Monkey-Wolves do–make butt-mud for to smear all over to make theirs.

    Also, they do not understand why women might be willing to trade sex for the remote possibility that a man will treat them like a human being with feelings for once. American men date to make sex. American women make sex to date. Is confusing, but is because American women is person. American men, no.

    Is sad, yes? And that is real reason for tequila–American men think is for make slut, but no–is for make American women no cry when she think that all around her are Monkey-Wolves and no men to be found.

    Keep practicing, Invar–someday, full understand of America happen. And then you go back to Latvia and know is much, much better. Unless the harvest no make with success–then you go to Amsterdam and wait out the time of hunger.

  3. Glen h Says:

    Hmm, the fear is strong in these "kings"….

  4. Arslan Says:

    I will khelp you, Latvian, even zough your grandfazer probably served in SS. In Amerika, only ozer country in world, ser are many people who grow to age of 20's or even 30's and 40's but khaf mind like 14-year-olds person. Such people make website, claim 14-year-old bekhavior make them manly mens. Is not true. They khaf much confusion and the are afraiding of everything. Sink world owes them because khaf job and not khomless. Stupid people.

  5. Xynzee Says:

    Bad Ivars! Naughty! Naughty! Naughty Ivars!!

    Ivars must understand that some links shouldn't be clicked on. Giving the stoopids attention only encourages to make more stoopids.

    Now go sit in your corner and promise no more encouraging of the stoopids.

  6. Talisker Says:

    I hope we have not seen the last of Ivars.

    Perhaps the writer of the 24 list uses "slut" to mean "woman who won't make sexytime with him". Then it all makes sense. These women are many and various, united only by their recognition that this guy is a repulsive little turd.

    Off topic, Ivars have bit part in big Hollywood animation cinema film, Wreck-It Ralph. Ivars make voice for villain with much chest hair, who can crush man's skull. With thighs!

  7. Rugosa Says:

    "Sweater turnips" is a priceless addition to the English language.

  8. Arslan Says:

    @Talisker

    Writer call woman who not make sex with him "bitch." Women who sexually active but not with him "slut." Writer virgin manchild.

  9. c u n d gulag Says:

    Borat, is that you?

  10. Misterben Says:

    I laughed so much at this that I think I burned off enough calories to justify the Thanksgiving seconds I was going to help myself to anyway. "But enough about Russian, Russia is hole of ass." Ha!

  11. Sarah Says:

    I'm sure it's not your intention to raise the Google rankings of terrible people who write misogynist shit like this. The web site http://www.donotlink.com can help you avoid that.

    Also, I think Return of Kings is written by several different men, all of whom obviously know nothing about women.

  12. Jacquie Says:

    "Sweater turnips" is indeed a slice of fried gold. This is actually really weird timing though, 'cause I used to bang a Latvian, and he just moved away. His name wasn't Ivars, though. That was his middle name.

  13. CaptBackslap Says:

    This reminded me of nothing so much as Vlad, the Eastern European makeout robot in Achewood.

  14. Douglasaurus Says:

    I spent a lot of time in Riga, Latvia in the last two years. I travel the world for my job and have been many places. I can say, after careful observation, that Riga has the highest number per capita and the most attractive women of any place that I have been in the world. They are fit, elegant, well dressed and extremely attractive. And numerous. There is no specific type or ethnicity, but they do have a lot of blonds with long hair. No, they aren't all strippers from Moscow. They work at the the hotels, fast food joints, banks, shops, the airport, everywhere. I'm going to try and get a grant to study the phenomenon.

  15. Arslan Says:

    Yeah, because women from Moscow must be strippers.

  16. Emmy Says:

    Punches. Many punches.

  17. jon Says:

    Is thing of beautiful.

    Want to hear more of Ivar's adventures at the Desert Dubstep convention.

  18. Major Kong Says:

    OK, I took a look at that website.

    From what I gather, promiscuous women are a really bad thing and this site will give you all sorts of tips about how to meet them.

  19. middle seaman Says:

    I prefer Lithuanians.

  20. Phoenician in a time of Romans Says:

    Explaining to Ivar is not real woman about which the talking. Is the holding of centerfolds and the fap fap fapping. Is anger and hurt from the real women which do the laugh and horror shriek when asked to make the sexytimes with bag of douche.

  21. Desargues Says:

    Zer iz luzer, zer iz fucking luzer, zer is man who lives in basement of parents, and zen zer iz zis guy. Jezus.

    But, Ed, I think you may be going on this ice with this faux-Slavic accent pastiche. The Balts are Indo-Eusopeans, but they aren't Slavs, as I'm sure you know.

  22. cekman Says:

    According to the About page, this site was started by a pick-up artist named Roosh, who has made his name writing a long line of travel guides – like Lonely Planet, only for date rape.

    I've heard of this guy recently, because of a hilarious story in, of all places, Dissent Magazine. It seems Roosh went to Denmark, and for once could barely score at all, which he blamed on… the welfare state. Really! Conditions there are too equitable, so predators like him don't have any leverage. He actually told all his readers not to bother visiting! You can't buy that kind of endorsement. Socialism: It Keeps the Douchebags Out.

    Here's the story:
    http://www.dissentmagazine.org/article/cockblocked-by-redistribution

  23. Arslan Says:

    @cekman

    That doesn't surprise me at all. Deep down these guys know that the only thing which gives them a chance with women is: 1. Cultural differences which make it harder for a foreign women to easily spot what creepy fucks they are, thus the woman actually gives them the time of day. 2. Economic desperation. These guys need women to be facing potential starvation for them to get laid. This is why it's such a pathetic joke when they posture as super-masculine alpha males. They are omega, if even that.

    This is why one of their biggest douchebags, a guy whose writing suggests he's never seen a vagina in person without paying money for the privilege, wrote some article about how "Hungarian women got spoiled" and are now like American women(gasp!). In reality there is nothing wrong with Western women in general, but from the perspective of these losers they are the worst. An Anglophone woman can easily pick up on their creep vibes and reject them. A woman from a Western country not ravaged by economic chaos and rife with corruption has no reason to consider a relationship with them.

    Let me put it another way. You know how these guys(including the same author of that article about Hungarian girls) just LOOOOVE Russian girls, though it's clear from their writing that they have no actual experience with them? Well according to former World Bank chief and writer Joe Stiglitz, the former Soviet Union experienced the largest increase in poverty in human history excepting nations destroyed by wars. Russia wasn't the worst affected but it was hit pretty hard. Belarus initially got it worse, and Ukraine is still in dire straits. So put 2 and 2 together and turn that over for a few minutes and what do we learn?

    These guys need historically unique poverty and massive corruption in order to get a woman to consent to sex with them. What could be more pathetic than that?

  24. Arslan Says:

    I want to clarify one more thing about my post above. Many of these PUA guys who talk about Russian girls all the time actually DON'T get laid in Russia, and in fact can't even talk to girls in clubs(including clubs in the center of Moscow where they are likely to know English). So yeah- unprecedented economic devastation and instability and they STILL don't actually get laid.

  25. Major Kong Says:

    So what you're saying Arslan is that they couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a suitcase full of free pardons?

    (I know, old joke, but it seemed appropriate)

  26. Arslan Says:

    Probably. The vibe I got from that website was that it's made by former nice guys. You know the types who do this old rant: "Girls used to say I was such a nice guy, but they turned me down to go after the jerks! Well now I'm not going to be a nice guy anymore!" All the 14-year-old-boyish rhetoric is how they show that they are now "bad boys" and not "nice guys" anymore. But no matter how much they try to maintain that facade, it doesn't work. Cracks always appear and you can see how sexually inexperienced they are, to say the least.

    BTW- I actually had a long comment on their article about Russian women which got deleted(and I was banned) within the course of a day. This is significant because 1. The first rule of internet debate is that anyone will argue anything indefinitely. 2. In this specific scenario, these people tend to attack all critics with words like "white knight" and "mangina." Yet rather than launch counter-attacks they decided to quietly remove my post and ban me. The reason was obvious- My post called out the author, questioning if he'd ever spent any time in Russia at all, much less dated a single Russian woman. Clearly this made him nervous in a way which insults would not.

    Anyway, pointing out that self-proclaimed PUA's and guys who constantly talk about "gettin' pussy" are full of shit is often misunderstood because it's seen as "hating." What I tell younger guys though is this: Every guy, at some point in his life, has lied about a sexual encounter. Extrapolating from that, if you can easily find some dude who will happily tell you about his secret sniper missions in Afghanistan, why is it so hard to believe that losers will make up stories about bedding different women every night? Sure, players exist, but they don't feel the need to constantly talk about it. And if they're really drowning in women, why are they sitting on the internet writing about it?

  27. Major Kong Says:

    I can't really speak definitively about Russian women, never having been there.

    I did have a Turkish businessman in Istanbul once offer to send not only one but two Russian prostitutes to my hotel room. I won't say I wasn't tempted.

    I would guess that after the economic collapse of the Soviet Union and the subsequent shenanigans that more than a few young Russian women have had to take up work in the sex trades.

  28. Sarah Says:

    I've heard of this guy recently, because of a hilarious story in, of all places, Dissent Magazine. It seems Roosh went to Denmark, and for once could barely score at all, which he blamed on… the welfare state. Really! Conditions there are too equitable, so predators like him don't have any leverage. He actually told all his readers not to bother visiting! You can't buy that kind of endorsement. Socialism: It Keeps the Douchebags Out.

    That actually is the reason that they're so opposed to feminism. The only way these assholes can find women is if the women are so lacking in privilege that they have no choice but to be economically dependent. The march for women's rights means that women have more choices and this has gradually dried up the pool of women who have no alternatives. And now a whole lot of men can't find women who are willing to have "the sexytimes" with them.

  29. Nick Says:

    Amazing work, Ed, and I'm going to add my voice to the broad approval of "sweater turnips."

  30. Sharkbabe Says:

    Screamingly entertaining & wickedly excellent post! I kiss on you!

  31. Robert Says:

    Three points humanity will never reach:
    the speed of light
    the center of the sun
    enough mocking of PUA/MRAs

  32. Kaleberg Says:

    Nov shmoz ka pop.