A DAY IN THE LIFE

There is nothing so ridiculous as the stereotype of the College Professor held by individuals who have never been to college. As with most stereotypes it takes a tiny kernel of truth (Yes, we are, on balance, more liberal than conservative) and takes it to an extreme so ludicrous that only a true dolt would mistake it for reality. And there are no bigger dolts than the people who sit around typing up apocryphal yarns that become memes and chain emails that you will eventually be forwarded by your Aunt.

Gawker is drawing some attention to "Marine Todd", a mind-numbingly stupid fake anecdote that has been around since the dawn of the internet and probably earlier. In it, a Marine college student shows his libtard atheist ACLU member professor who's boss by knocking him unconscious in the middle of class. It's your classic impotent white redneck revenge fantasy, a condensed meme version of the entire Death Wish series. Don't Christians believe in not physically assaulting people? Never mind.

Because a substantial number of Americans are dumb enough (or motivated enough) to believe such nonsense, I feel compelled to tell you what the daily life of a college professor is actually like here in the ol' Ivory Tower. My experience may not be applicable to every professor or institution, but I hope it is informative nonetheless.

The average class begins with the singing of the Communist Internationale or, when I feel like punching things up a bit, "Solidarity Forever." On most days I'll start off with reminders of the usual stuff they've heard a million times – God is gay and evil and also does not exist. Then I force students to reveal their religious affiliations and dress them down for being stupid enough to believe in the opiate of the masses. Around this time I will start a fire with Bibles and nativity scenes and all of the girls will burn their bras; male students are paired off and forced to kiss. I give extra credit if they go farther but "Heavy Petting" is the minimum level of Gay for anyone who expects to pass the course. Which course? It doesn't matter, this is how they all go.

Next I do the armpit hair check on the female students to make sure that they are not secretly using razors on their body hair – the final exam is braiding armpit hair into several required patterns. Then we do some Man-Hating and study the blueprints of Ed Begley's solar car. The male students occupy themselves making dresses and then modeling the dresses for one another. If the weather's nice we'll go outside, sit in a circle on the Communal Tarp, and pray to Gaia for a few minutes to end the class on a positive note. If there's any time left we'll admire Andres Serrano's masterpiece Piss Christ and discuss reasons why taxpayer dollars should be funneled into the perverted or blasphemous arts.

In really large lecture-type classes I make some adjustments, of course, spending more time talking about the ACLU and looking at Mapplethorpe's work and a bit less time on cross-dressing. When we get far enough into the semester that the entire course has renounced God and religion, I force them all to convert to Islam. The whole course, though, is really designed to lead up to the final exam, which is to perform an abortion and a gay marriage simultaneously. There is also an essay component to explain why no one should be allowed to say "Merry Christmas."

All in all, being a college professor is nothing like most Americans think. It's a rather unexciting and repetitive process of making sure students reject Christianity and pledge their lives to secular humanism and Allah. I wouldn't describe it as an easy job, but it is highly rewarding to reach the end of a semester and see a classroom full of man-hating lesbian ACLU members where bright-eyed Patriots once sat.

That's when I know I've made a difference.

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54 Responses to “A DAY IN THE LIFE”

  1. Dr. Mac Says:

    Wow, there IS a gay agenda!?

  2. Anon Says:

    As I've mentioned before, I went to a fundie/evangelical high school.

    We were taught a lot of horror stories about college, including that claim that (I kid you not) a lot of our professors would be showing up for class in drag.

    Like I keep saying, these people are fucking crazy. People who haven't been there do not, and perhaps cannot, understand.

  3. ADM Says:

    No underwater basket weaving? The tenured union boss'll have your tweed elbow patches and pipe on the spot!

  4. Glen h Says:

    Oh, I do hope you have a little goatee that you stroke while going "Bwhahaha" at the though of your male students losing their gay virginity!

  5. Xynzee Says:

    You clearly forgot to describe how single out the Young Republicans, Bus. Majors and resistant Christians for extra "special" personal treatment. Not to mention taking DNA samples so it's easier for Father Obama's Death Beagles to find them.

  6. Xynzee Says:

    *…how you single…

  7. Talisker Says:

    I expect that someone, somewhere will be deranged enough to take this piece literally and forward it as an example of what the evil college professors get up to. That may well be Ed's intention.

  8. sad Says:

    Soooo…
    No actual work.
    cool.

  9. DES Says:

    Where did you get a copy of my syllabus? That's EXACTLY what I do, and I'm teaching at a Catholic school (it's a liberal arts school, so it's okay).

  10. Sarah Says:

    All three of the classes I'm taking right now have material we are not covering because there isn't time. Anybody who seriously believes that a professor is going to waste 15 minutes standing there waiting for a supernatural sign needs to be knocked out cold.

  11. c u n d gulag Says:

    Ed,
    WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

    No ritual sacrifice of a fetus, or infant, in class!

    DINO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    FAKE LIBERAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. Anonymouse Says:

    Huh. You made me think about it–in 4 years of undergrad and 2 years of grad school, I didn't encounter a single professor whose political leanings I knew. Were they liberal? Conservative? I have no clue. Class time was spent…discussing the class subject matter. Chance meetings outside the classroom were superficial (of the "Hi, how's it going?" vein).

    I got the "brave Marine student" email again just a couple of weeks ago. Another version of it is the cowardly atheist professor who goes into a restaurant and demands all the American flags be taken off the table, is knocked unconscious and thrown out of the restaurant to the cheers and applause of the patrons.

  13. Major Kong Says:

    That would have made my college years so much more interesting than trying to learn Differential Equations.

  14. John Danley Says:

    Forcing people with the threat of gay sex to learn facts about evolution can't be good for the environment.

  15. Canuckistani Says:

    Because I am in Canada now, I find the students have covered all this in high school already. That leaves us professors more time to cover advanced libtardery in our university classes … IN FRENCH!

  16. Drangus Says:

    I feel like that would/should be part of your comedy act.

  17. OliverWendelHolmslice Says:

    "What do you call this class?"
    "THE ARISTOCRATS!"

  18. Patrick M. Says:

    Best ^

  19. Chicagojon Says:

    Holy crap I want to take a class of yours. Shockingly I had to wait until I was away from college to develop my knowledge of communism, American Imperialism, the gay agenda, the ACLU, American racism, American militarism, American ass-hat-inism…you get the idea.

    The befuddling thing is that I listen to NPR almost every day and somehow they also missed all of your lecture points. Maybe my major was too technical for the broad-based knowledge that you teach.

  20. Caffeine Hippie Says:

    Nothing about green energy or going vegan?? Rightwing jerk.

  21. Alan C Says:

    I must print this out and send it to my brother. Not long ago he actually told me he'd figured out that where I "went wrong" (i.e., became a Librul) was listening to "those liberal professors." I wonder if he'll get the joke or will go, "I KNEW it!" Then again, maybe I won't.

  22. Jonah Goldberg Says:

    I knew it.

  23. mothra Says:

    Points to whoever posted as the Doughy Pantload.

    Back when I was in college we started all classes by a ritual burning of the American flag. We also learned how to get on welfare and become takers instead of makers. Booooooring.

  24. DRickard Says:

    Way to sell out the cause, tovarich!

  25. Jono Says:

    Yes, comrade! You too can get a degree in College Professor in just one semester at Acapella U. Just send money. We send paper.

  26. bb in GA Says:

    Every survey I have ever seen shows the balance of Lib/Conservative on the faculties of major Universities is always Lib in the super majority neighborhood, north of 75%/25%

    And I may be understating it.

    Don't hide from it, be proud.

    //bb

  27. Don Says:

    Oddly enough, about all I remember learning in college was gay sex (although I took AP courses in high school) and the lyrics to the Internationale.

    I've since forgotten most of one of those topics.

  28. Victor T. Cypert Says:

    It's nice to have demonstrable metrics like that, yeah?

  29. MSW Says:

    I think you forgot something: Thursday afternoon recitation begins with Interpretive Dance (to celebrate diversity, of course.)
    At least, that's how we do it where I'm from.

  30. Sarah Says:

    Every survey I have ever seen shows the balance of Lib/Conservative on the faculties of major Universities is always Lib in the super majority neighborhood, north of 75%/25%

    And I may be understating it.

    Don't hide from it, be proud.

    So who's hiding? Your own people have been quoted as saying that liberals are smarter, on balance; I don't remember who it was who said that right-wingers are never going to get the smart people to go to the right of center, but I do believe it was Bobby Jindal who said that the GOP needs to stop being the stupid party. (Protip: the reason why the GOP are the stupid party is that its leaders and the citizens who support them are goddamn stupid.)

  31. dogrrrl Says:

    compulsory gay marriage that does not lead to marrying one's own dog? rightwing jerk indeed

  32. Dave Dell Says:

    Who actually writes this crap. Who actually thinks it's a true story?

  33. Perb Says:

    A lot of college teaching (I've been there) in the humanities especially is analytical rather than constructive. Witness the privileged status of words like subversive or disruptive. Meanwhile the discussions take place perforce among people who have few material decisions to make. So while I know this comment is subversive of the genre above and hence subject to ridicule from its mainstream, I do wonder whether conservative humanities professors don't feel lonely.

  34. Scotius Says:

    "Who actually writes this crap. Who actually thinks it's a true story?"

    The people paying money to see this movie:

  35. Scotius Says:

    I'm sorry. That was supposed to just be a Youtube URL.

  36. Eau Says:

    Wow. I realize he's just a strawman libtard, but KSorb goes from 'god is dead' to 'god is an idiot' to 'I am god' in that vid. And that's just the trailer! I expect the full movie also includes the classic liberal theories 'god is poo-poos', 'god is lamp', and 'god is gonoherpasyphillaides'.

  37. wetcasements Says:

    I minored in political science at Kenyon, which comes about as close to a parody of the LIBRUL BOOT CAMP as it comes. (Well, we're no Vassar or Reed or Smith I guess.)

    That said, the poli sci department there was and remains pretty much a hive of Straussians who did their PhD's at Chicago.

    And I enjoyed those classes tremendously. That's the whole thing about a librul arts education — you read and study widely, you challenge yourself and expose yourself to ideas you wouldn't have otherwise.

    Of course, I majored in English. Out of political commitment? No, because the parties were better and the ratio of girls to guys was much better.

  38. Major Kong Says:

    I'm old enough to remember when wearing the flag as an article of clothing was considered to be disrespectful and unpatriotic.

  39. fernando_g Says:

    I'm from Texas.
    I say we become independent from the Gay States of America. I will elect Ted Cruz as president, and then invade Nicaragua, because that is a god-less marxist-leninist country that is why!

    The we'll erect an electric fence around Mexico (and New Mexico too, just for good measure). Wetbacks electrocute easily and are a blast to see!

  40. ohollern Says:

    I'm a high school teacher in California. We do the same thing here on the Left Coast. I also teach my students that they came monkeys.

  41. mds Says:

    Don't Christians believe in not physically assaulting people?

    This might well be the funniest bit in the whole hilarious post.

  42. Ken Leonard Says:

    I knew it! I knew it!

  43. Murfmensch Says:

    I'll add to the mix a hit movie that is out called "God's Not Dead" in which a professor requires students either write "God is Dead" on paper and turn it in or prove God is dead, with a failing grade if they don't succeed.

    It's fiction submitted as preparation for the world.

  44. bill Says:

    John Danley: "Forcing people with the threat of gay sex to learn facts about evolution can't be good for the environment."

    High score!

  45. bb in GA Says:

    @Sarah

    "(Yes, we are, on balance, more liberal than conservative)"

    That, my foul mouthed correspondent, is such a drastic, pussyfooting understatement as to be classed as 'hiding.'

    Every survey the I have ever seen in the last 30 years shows a supermajority of Faculty self identify as Liberals.

    That's fine with me.

    Now go learn some new bucket mouth epithets…

    //bb

  46. Elle Says:

    @bb

    That, my foul mouthed correspondent, is such a drastic, pussyfooting understatement as to be classed as 'hiding.'

    Are you scolding Sarah for using the word 'goddamn'?

    @Scotius et al

    I just lost half an hour reading reviews of God is Not Dead, and giggling in disbelief. Do films like this actually appear in cinemas, or is this a church basement type of deal?

  47. Scotius Says:

    It's grossed $23 million since it was released on March 21st. That's a lot of church basements.

    http://www.boxoffice.com/statistics/movies/gods-not-dead-2014

  48. Major Kong Says:

    OK bb, I'll play.

    So let's suppose that college professors are on average more liberal than the general population.

    I'd wager that stockbrokers and CEOs (just for example) are on average more conservative than the average population.

    So what's the big "Ah ha! Gotcha!" with college professors?

    I don't recall having many political discussions with my college professors when I was busy struggling to get my electrical engineering degree.

    I certainly don't recall any of them trying to teach me that Ohm's Law proved that Marx was right all along.

  49. Elle Says:

    It's grossed $23 million since it was released on March 21st. That's a lot of church basements.

    That's actually incredible. I looked up a few indie films for comparison purposes, and that's equivalent to the lifetime gross earnings of Moonrise Kingdom plus The Royal Tenenbaums.

    Are large churches block-booking seats? I ask because I've been half-following the stories about Mars Hill and Elevation bulk-buying copies of Mark Driscoll's and Steven Furtick's books to get them on to the bestseller lists. I deduce from this (although Mars Hill has said it won't do this again) than the appearance of worldly success seems important within some Christian culture contexts.

  50. Elle Says:

    Sorry, Scotius. As you're not actually doing PR for the movie, I thought I would try and find out the answer to my question myself. According to a blog post on Patheos, the answer is yes. Churches are apparently block-booking seating and asking congregations to invite their friends. Clearly God is Not Dead is being considered as prime evangelising material.

  51. Robert Says:

    bb,
    So conservatives don't become college professors? If it's a lucrative profession with job security and no heavy lifting, why the Hecuba not?

    (Please tell me I didn't need a sarc/ tag)

  52. Anon Says:

    Elle, where did you get your numbers? Wikipedia gives $71 million as the box office for Royal Tenenbaums.

  53. Scotius Says:

    " Churches are apparently block-booking seating and asking congregations to invite their friends."

    That doesn't surprise me. I couldn't make it through the trailer. I would think making it through the whole movie would be quite the test of faith.

  54. Elle Says:

    Elle, where did you get your numbers? Wikipedia gives $71 million as the box office for Royal Tenenbaums.

    Here. I just googled "Wes Anderson box office" and that was the first result. Scrolling down, $75m seems to be the adjusted gross, where the total is adjusted upwards for ticket price inflation. If that's the accepted standard then I guess we can say that The Royal Tenenbaums lifetime gross is roughly the same as God is Not Dead's opening weekend.

    As you can tell, I know absolutely nothing about this!