FASHIONABLY READY

It's a conundrum inherent to being a Responsible Gun Owner. Safety dictates that one's firearms should not be left scattered about loaded and ready for use, but you just never know when you'll need a gun right the hell now. After all, the whole point of having enough guns for a small army and carrying them on one's person is to be ready the instant someone or something needs to be taught a lesson in freedom. How, then, does the responsible gun owner reconcile the need for immediate, ready access with the obvious danger in leaving guns strewn about?

It's pretty easy, pinko. Just buy furniture explicitly designed to conceal firearms.

It locks; Responsible!

It locks. Responsible!

The loyal Americans at New Jersey Concealment Furniture combine a classic Shaker aesthetic with…hidden compartments for guns. Something tells me the Shakers didn't hide many guns around the house, but that's not important right now. What's important is that you hide guns all around your house. So you're never more than a few feet from a gun when al Qaeda / Thugs / the IRS / Janet Reno leaps out of your closet to attack.

nightstand

clock

coatrack

There is also a full sized wardrobe/hutch large enough to fit a total of six rifles or shotguns. For when you're standing in the foyer of your three bedroom colonial in Orland Park, IL and you need six rifles or shotguns. Oh, and if this needed to be said, the clock is available with the 2nd Amendment written on it as an alternative to the Bald Eagle pictured here.

Obviously.

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35 Responses to “FASHIONABLY READY”

  1. Graham Says:

    That table is looking good. Do your think they'd make one a little bigger so I could stash my slave in there?

  2. Arslan Says:

    While this will be a big hit with drug dealers everywhere, one should realize that gun nuts are a gold mine. Anything gun-themed you give them will sell.

  3. US in the UK Says:

    "After all, the whole point of having enough guns for a small army and carrying them on one's person is to be ready the instant someone or something needs to be taught a lesson in freedom"

    This sentence wins the internet today.

  4. Breezeblock Says:

    One of the best Simpsons scenes was when Homer goes to the gun emporium, and is told he has that waiting period, and he says "But I'm angry NOW!"

  5. Nate Says:

    That table design is wack. I'd make the top open up instead of the bottom sliding down. I don't need to bend over farther to pick up muh M16.

  6. Anonymouse Says:

    We bought our house from a family like this. They had a gun safe behind a picture on the wall, another gun safe in the living room, and an arsenal in the basement. None of their gun-keepers were locked. It's a very, very quiet neighborhood (formerly a farm) where the very worst thing that's ever happened is kids riffling through your CDs if you leave your car unlocked. A number of people don't bother to lock their homes during their day, and many of the garage doors are left open all day with easy access to the house. You can see why the average homeowner would need six howitzers at the ready at all times.

  7. skyskier Says:

    Awesome! You can also tell that there's no way a kid could access those guns when the parents are not looking and kill their little brother/sister or the neighbour's kid. Just brilliant.

  8. c u n d gulag Says:

    Always have a cell phone on you, so that if something happens when you're on the road, you don't have to knock on the doors of any potential gun-loon, who, when you knock, will reach into the nearest hutch or end-table, and act like Dirty Harry protecting a suspect in a safe house.

    Man, that level of fear, paranoia, anger, and sheer stupidity, is beyond frightening.

    Yeah, I know – if I'm that frightened, the NRA will tell me that also I need to buy an assault weapon, 'cause then I'll be the good guy with the gun.

    No thanks.
    I'm not some frightened weenie, with a tiny weenie.

  9. c u n d gulag Says:

    Always have a cell phone on you, so that if something happens when you're on the road, you don't have to knock on the doors of any potential gun-loon, who, when you knock, will reach into the nearest hutch or end-table, and act like Dirty Harry protecting a suspect in a safe house.

    Man, that level of fear, paranoia, anger, and sheer stupidity, is beyond frightening.

    Yeah, I know – if I'm that frightened, the NRA will tell me that also I need to buy an assault weapon, 'cause then I'll be the good guy with the gun.

    No thanks.
    I'm not some frightened weenie, with a tiny weenie.

  10. c u n d gulag Says:

    How did I comment twice with one 'Submit Comment?"
    Sorry.
    My comment wasn't THAT interesting that it needed to be posted twice.

  11. Csicopper Says:

    The TV/coffee table front access design is brilliant. You don't want to wreck your 65 inch "smart" TV used to view your 2011 Poker TV disc collection, getting in the way.

  12. xynzee Says:

    @Nate: Is that because the beer belly inhibits your taking a knee? ;)

  13. Skipper Says:

    Just more proof that no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.

  14. Tim Says:

    Guaranteed to make your testicles look 50% larger, I'm sure.

  15. Khaled Says:

    If I was going to rob a house, first place I'd look for guns would be the clock with the 2nd amendment on it. Duh.

  16. Edgar A. Poe Says:

    Even I think the 2nd Amendment design on the clock would be pushing the "hidden in plain sight" thing too far.

  17. Nan Says:

    What? No headboards? How could Ed overlook the bedroom?

    http://www.gunbed.net/

  18. Barry Says:

    Graham Says:

    "That table is looking good. Do your think they'd make one a little bigger so I could stash my slave in there?"

    You don't have a slave pit? What sort of liberal are you?

  19. Eric S. Says:

    Another gold mine, business opportunity I've missed. Maybe I can use some of my IT chops and figure out how to automate the opening of the concealed drawers with a smart phone app.

  20. Whatver Says:

    I want to live in a country where I can levitate myself with infinitely loaded pistols like Yosemite Sam. Nothing else will be acceptable.

  21. Major Kong Says:

    All I can say is, why the hell didn't I think of this? I'd be wealthy enough to retire by now.

  22. Nick Says:

    To be fair, I can see a use for these if you're worried about theft more than access–the idea being that a thief would take a gun stored in a smaller safe, but would be uninterested in your shitty coffee table or your Woodshop 101-quality bald eagle clock. The Second Amendment clock kinda defeats the point though.

  23. SeaTea Says:

    I love the last photo. It's like a mini bug-out bag. "I need my pistol… I need my wallet… and I need a little tiny photo of an AR-15 so I can have something to masturbate to when the end of the world comes."

  24. DropDeadOffred Says:

    I am the most offended by the decision to use blonde wood.

  25. Major Kong Says:

    I think SeaTea wins the internet for today.

  26. Neal Deesit Says:

    I am the most offended by the decision to use blonde wood.

    Everybody knows blondes have more gun.

  27. Don Says:

    That first picture? It's a coffee table, and the lock is optional. Without the lock? From the website: "Press the right peg and the bottom of the coffee table drops down to reveal your hidden treasures." Press the peg, huh? Have these people ever seen a toddler interacting with a coffee table?

    It'd be nice if access to loaded weapons in the home was at least as difficult as opening an aspirin bottle.

  28. Gordon Guano Says:

    I had an interesting conversation with a clerk at an outdoor supplies store. I asked I if he knew of any firing ranges in the area, and he tried to dissuade me from going to one. "Ever since the election…", he said ("hoo boy, get ready for a rant", I start thinking), " the ranges have been filled up with idiots who barely know which end to point downrange."

    Full disclosure: I identify myself as liberal shading to moderate but have been known to plink at cans and plastic bottles with a rifle and pistol. Don't currently own any firearms because I decided they mixed poorly with clinical depression.

    Also, in different circumstances, I would totally buy a Glock clock.

  29. Skipper Says:

    The real fun starts when you die unexpectedly. Perhaps you fall down the stairs at a monster truck rally and prayer service while carrying a tray of beers and fried things back to your seat. Then, your relatives clean out your single-wide, not knowing about the hidden secrets of the furniture, and donate all your belongings to charity.

  30. Rich Says:

    Nothing says Shaker like concealment furniture.

  31. Kaleberg Says:

    Kids will love this! Hey, it's almost like ethical birth control.

  32. Mothra Says:

    Ya know, I used to work at a criminal defense firm that had as its client a man who was accused of carjacking and killing a couple of older vacationers from Oklahoma. Both husband and wife of this couple were concealed carry permit holders and they had guns not only under their car seats, but also in their trailer. Did any of those guns save their lives? No sir, they did not. Our client had one gun. So I am not sure this furniture is really going to save anyone's bacon.

  33. Nate Says:

    @xynzee no, my pot tits do. honestly though, i was just goofing around and while i have fired a gun or two I don't own any nor do i plan to. I was just channeling my midwest redneck.

  34. Sarah C Says:

    Just what every home needs-great post.