After years of stop-starting various endeavors related to this website I have decided to go all in on the New Republican Bible project. I am re-writing the Gospels and other highlights of the New Testament with Jesus as a modern Republican in the vein of Scott Walker or Sam Brownback, hopefully to be completed by Christmas 2015. It will make the perfect gift. God willing, it will be available in print and electronic formats. The foreword will be written by Jesus himself.

Though I am on record as anti-crowdfunding and though it would be entirely within reason to call me a hypocrite, I've set up such a page. My goal isn't to solicit donations but rather to get pre-sale/pre-order numbers high enough, potentially, to interest a publisher. I certainly don't consider self-publishing beneath me but ideally I can get someone interested in this who isn't me. If you think you are a person who would buy such a thing, why not go ahead and do it now?

With any luck – which, of course, is not something that seems to apply to my endeavors in most cases – this will work. It's just ridiculous enough to.

32 thoughts on “HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN”

  • Well, hey, Thomas Jefferson has already edited out the spooky parts, so that might eliminate some work.

    Unless you suspect potential readers as being people who actually use such phrases as "economic miracle," in which case you might as well let your imagination go full goose gonzo, because your audience will obviously believe anything.

    Maybe you'll pick up some disenchanted Mormons and Scientologists looking for a new leader to send their money to.

  • Hey, just a suggestion:

    Contact (if possible) the former blogger JESUS' GENERAL. He had for years an ongoing series of cartoons titled REPUBLICAN JESUS. He might be a good partner for the effort!

  • It might work better if you had some sample verses to help entice people who may stumble upon this

  • The Mad Dreamer says:

    Agreed that you should look at the Conservapedia Bible Translation Project.

    Hachette Books published Andy Borowitz's The Republican Playbook, so you could look to them.

  • Well, this is the first crowd funding I've contributed to. Can't wait to read the new version. You help keep me sane and this new project may keep me inspired — in your o' so cynical way.

  • I don't comment often, so I'm not sure I've mentioned this, but I work in publishing. And while scholarly publishing is not the same as trade (and I assume you're looking to go trade), some things are universal. If you ever want advice, Ed, I'm happy to share whatever I know.

  • Here's a sample from the Conservapedia version along with the King James (Luke 1:53):

    (KJV) He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away.

    (Conservative) He has fed the hungry with the best foods, and the miserly he sent away empty-handed.

    Notice "rich" becomes "miserly." The Greek word there (ploutos, whence we get plutocracy) is rendered as "rich" in every other translation because that's what it means. All translations are subject to bias, but this gives you an idea of the bias of this particular project.

  • You hypocrite! You mocked crowdfunding and now you're getting rich off of it!

    I'm a 'backer'. Looking forward to it. If Jesus is writing the forward can Ivar at least have a jacket cover review? Perhaps Confucius and Buddah could also weigh in.

  • Been asking for you to profit from your writings for years.

    This is not actually the book I hoped you'd write, though. I was leaning more toward the "quirky facts about real politics events", like stories you've told about particularly acrimonious presidential debates, who is the worst president in history and why, etc.

    Eh, I was in for $20, because I'm frugal.

    I hope this is successful enough that you'll write the book I hoped for…

  • Andrew Carnegie says:

    Make sure you emphasize the "personal responsibility" part of our saviour's sermons. Especially the ones where he makes fun of the poors and calls out the sick and lame for being drags on society. And , finally, don't forget the one where he calls for reduction in taxes. That should be get some hefty contributions from my fellow job creators. God bless you, comrade. Amen.

  • Ed,

    Based on your offer to hand deliver a copy of the New TeaTard Testament dressed as Jesus, I have applied for jobs in Pakistan, Antarctica, Somalia and Kankakee.

    I just thought Jesus should visit the most God-Forsaken places on Earth.

    PS. Add a kidney dialyses machine to the Jesus costume and you now have an Osama bin Laden costume.

  • See if you can get Al Franken involved somehow. He had a little cartoon in one of his books called "Supply-side Jesus." Get him to agree to write a Foreword or something and I bet the money would follow.

  • Don't forget the part about a needle going into a camel's eye everytime a rich person does not go to heaven.

  • Then Jesus said to them, "Give back to Caesar what is Caesar's but make sure that the person next to you also gives to Caesar because everyone needs to give at least something in order to have a vested interest, no matter how poor. In fact, we should all only have to give a little amount because those poor people are all over the place – there are millions of them. If they all gave a little bit then Caesar would have plenty of money, but instead they just lay around with their lameness, leprosy, & starvation and Caesar comes after white guys with long hair and beards like you and me. I bet if I cured them and fed them they still wouldn't get off of their lazy asses.

    Oh, and give to God what is God's – whatever the hell that means"
    And they were amazed at him.

  • anotherbozo says:

    (late to the party, as usual)

    Look forward to Ed's bigger national profile, guest appearances, book reviews, etc. High time he was unleashed on a wider audience.

    I was cheap with my donation only because I never spend $20 on a book of any kind. Well, almost. Even Paul Fucking Beatty was only $15.60.

    The calling of the apostles should be a highlight. Who would be Lazarus? Mary Magdalen? The mind reels.

    But hurry, Ed: copies of this will make WONDERFUL Christmas presents for my politically retarded relatives! Even my sister can leave it around on the table during her pinochle parties. With her right-of-Attila-the-Hun friends.

  • Kankakee? I partially grew up in Kankakee. "BourboNESS" anyone?

    Actually Bonfield, but close enough. Needless to say, I got out of there as soon as I possibly could.

  • Don't forget that Biblical literacy is basically zilch for much of your target audience, so it might be more economical to aim at the old chestnut Biblical stories and passages.

    Also, don't forget the early Church writings and liturgy are also ripe for parody, such as the Nicene Creed, wedding liturgy, baptismal liturgy, hymns and such. "A Mighty Corporation Is Our God." I thought that one off the top of my head. If you want any other suggestions or comments, feel free to contact me, I have time to burn.

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