ALLEN WEST WOULD GET THE FJM TREATMENT IF HE WASN'T SUCH A TERRIBLE AND UNFOCUSED WRITER

Did you guys know that Allen West is still alive? True story, he is. He has the world's worst website and he has just used it to share with the world one of the most amazing things you'll ever see. It bears the title, just in case you're afraid that the preceding description isn't going to deliver, "More Ominous Signs of Christian Persecution." I considered giving this an FJM but after about the first three paragraphs it turns into such a cornucopia of non sequiturs that I couldn't even make anything coherent out of it (see for yourself and count the number of random right wing talking point Obama-related issues he throws in by the end). So here is the only relevant or salvageable part, the titular OMINOUS SIGN.

Aubrey, a very organized young lady, began the initial arranging of her room. And then came the request — “Dad, I know you haven’t been eating well here, so we need to go grocery shopping.” Dang it! This is what happens when your daughter is pursuing a Masters in Molecular/Cellular Biology. So we were off to the local Walmart Superstore just up the road. We gathered up her desired foodstuffs and headed to the checkout — and then this happened.

There was a young man doing the checkout and another Walmart employee came over and put up a sign, “No alcohol products in this lane.” So being the inquisitive fella I am, I used my additional set of eyes — glasses — to see the young checkout man’s name. Let me just say it was NOT “Steve.”

I pointed the sign out to Aubrey and her response was a simple question, how is it that this Muslim employee could refuse service to customers based on his religious beliefs, but Christians are being forced to participate in specific events contrary to their religious beliefs?

Boy howdy, that is one astute young lady.

Imagine that, this employee at Walmart refused to just scan a bottle or container of an alcoholic beverage — and that is acceptable. A Christian business owner declines to participate or provide service to a specific event — a gay wedding — which contradicts their faith, and the State crushes them.

Jeez, that IS pretty alarming. There are some rather clear parallels between a Muslim employee refusing to handle alcohol and a Christian employee who, for example, didn't want to handle birth control. For the first time, Allen West seems to have a point. This is a double standard.

EDITOR’S UPDATE: We spoke to the Walmart store, and apparently employees under 21 years old are prohibited from selling cigarettes and alcohol.

Oh. OH. Oh you mean that like literally every other business on the planet, Walmart does not allow minor employees to handle alcohol? You mean "No Alcohol" wasn't really a sign of impending Sharia Law?

The best part is not that Allen West is a very stupid person who jumps to insane conclusions based on his paranoid fantasies. We already knew that. The best part is that Allen West doubles down and just keeps plowing along as if nothing changed. The basis of his piece having been made irrelevant is not nearly enough to stop Allen West from making a point. He does offer up this weak tea in an effort to save some face:

However, that isn’t to say Walmart isn’t selectively caving to Muslim demands, such as this case regarding Halal meat in Ohio.

Ah, the classic Megan McArdle "I may be wrong but I'm still right."

Hey Allen, do any major grocery store chains already sell food designed for a specific religious market? Oh that's right, literally every single place that sells food in this country has kosher stuff. But other than that, it's an excellent grasping-at-straws example here. Grocery stores in places where there are a lot of Muslims deciding to sell Halal meat is creeping Sharia Law. What other explanation could there be?

And then he plows on for more than 500 additional idiotic words as if nothing happened. Since the last 75% of the column had so little to do with his supposed topic anyway, it almost works. Sort of like how the Hindenburg almost made it.

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46 Responses to “ALLEN WEST WOULD GET THE FJM TREATMENT IF HE WASN'T SUCH A TERRIBLE AND UNFOCUSED WRITER”

  1. A Different Nate Says:

    I make it a point to ignore the writings of crazy people, so imagine the shock I had seeing what an impossibly ponderous writer West is. He sure posses around a lot coming to his point.

  2. A Different Nate Says:

    Damn autocorrect. Should be "pisses around a lot".

  3. jeremy Says:

    "Boy howdy, that is one astute young lady."

    Boy howdy NOT!

    Hilarious. He manages to make not only himself look like a bigoted buffoon but also his own daughter. Thanks, Dad!

  4. Huntly Says:

    Wonder what he would say if it was a christian who decided they didn't want to sell the demon rum to the heathens?

  5. HoosierPoli Says:

    How can Allen West's daughter be pursuing a Master's in molecular biology if the West family doesn't believe in evolution? THE BASE NEEDS ANSWERS, ALLEN.

  6. Major Kong Says:

    I wonder how Allen West would react if it were a pharmacist refusing to sell birth control for religious reasons. Hmmmmmm.

  7. wyldpirate Says:

    Hoosier Police sez:
    "How can Allen West's daughter be pursuing a Master's in molecular biology if the West family doesn't believe in evolution? THE BASE NEEDS ANSWERS, ALLEN."

    Because the Baby Jesus intelligently designed DNA then threw in random mutation and natural selection as the mechanism underlying evolution all to throw off those pointy-headed LIEbrul biologists just to fuck with them?

  8. Dave Dell Says:

    I'm trying to puzzle out the level of boredom it would take for me to purposely go to an Alan West website.

  9. N__B Says:

    "Sort of like how the Hindenburg almost made it."

    Napoleon almost made it to Moscow.

  10. Katydid Says:

    Do you know what the difference is between halal meat and kosher meat? Only the oogedy-boogedy words said while the killing is being done. I've been fending off emails from crazy relatives just enraged that a locally-owned grocery store is now carrying halal meat (they've carried kosher meat for years). One of the crazier things said is that halal butchering is "cruel" (have they seen any clips from non-religious butchering places?). Also, Jews are "god's chosen people", so the oogedy-boogedy words they say is apparently just fine.

    On a differently-but-slightly-related topic; a few weeks back I went out to brunch with a group of friends, and the teenage server told us she could bring our food, but someone else would have to bring the alcohol because she was underage and therefore not allowed to serve it. Know what? The world didn't end. Imagine!

  11. Mayya Says:

    "The best part is that Allen West doubles down and just keeps plowing along as if nothing changed."

    That's it right there. That's why this story is so stupendous. Not that he was so gloriously WRONG, but that it made no difference to the tale.

    You wrote a post a few weeks ago about how conservatives get away with a degree of delisionary thought that in any one else would result in a mental health assessment. Can't we, *for his own good*, have West committed?

  12. Barry Says:

    N_B: "Napoleon almost made it to Moscow."

    Actually, he did. It was a burned ruin, covered by snow.

  13. Mayya Says:

    *delusionary. Wtf autocorrect

  14. Emerson Dameron Says:

    @N_B:

    Hitler almost ruled the world for a thousand years. Boy howdy! These things write themselves.

    I missed Allen. He's what happens when an entire election cycle gets Freeped.

  15. c u n d gulag Says:

    There aren't many of them, but being a conservative "Chocolate-Cracker" can be a very lucrative career choice.

    You go from being a "field" Nigrah, to being one of the "house" Nigrah's.

    One of the many plusses – besides grifting the racist rubes – is that you get to appear on (DUMB)FUX "news," and get are in the front row on the stage at Republican conventions.

    "WE ACCEPT YOU,
    WE ACCEPT YOU.
    ONE OF US!
    ONE OF US!!!"

  16. Deggjr Says:

    Regarding the Editors Note: I wonder who has the privilege of editing allenbwest.com?

    Kudos to him/her for posting a 'fact' that everyone (like me) who buys their boxed wine from grocery stores already knows.

  17. Emerson Dameron Says:

    @gulag:

    The downsides are significant, though. You really don't want to know what *anyone* really thinks of you!

    http://deadspin.com/how-jason-whitlock-is-poisoning-espns-black-grantland-1698683962

    And, in Allen's case, it apparently requires communicating like a cross between McMegan and a particularly stupid minor R. Crumb character.

  18. well mostly Says:

    As with many products, Christians and conservatives have some very bad sales reps! Woe to you if you live in their territory. That alone doesn't discount the product, but you sure have to wonder when the example is this bad.
    I delight in how far away I am from taking Mr. West as seriously as he takes himself.
    Can you imagine having him for a father?
    It will take all day to get this nonsense out of my brain.
    Ed, I'm glad, for your sake, that you stopped when you did.

  19. Skipper Says:

    I may be late to the party, or maybe I was out that day, but what does "FJM" mean?

  20. c u n d gulag Says:

    @Emerson Dameron,

    "…it apparently requires communicating like a cross between McMegan and a particularly stupid minor R. Crumb character."

    ROTFLMAO!!!!

    Brilliant!
    Now, add just a hint of Ann Coulter and her sociopathic idiocy.

  21. swkellogg Says:

    @Skipper: Fire Joe Morgan

  22. swkellogg Says:

    @Skipper: It's a term for fisking.

  23. Wednesday Reads: An uneasy trend | Sky Dancing Says:

    […] ALLEN WEST WOULD GET THE FJM TREATMENT IF HE WASN'T SUCH A TERRIBLE AND UNFOCUSED WRITER | Gin… […]

  24. mds Says:

    Grocery stores in places where there are a lot of Muslims deciding to sell Halal meat is creeping Sharia Law. What other explanation could there be?

    Why does Allen West hate the free market?
    @wyldpirate:

    Because the Baby Jesus intelligently designed DNA then threw in random mutation and natural selection as the mechanism underlying evolution all to throw off those pointy-headed LIEbrul biologists just to fuck with them?

    I'm sorry, but I'm not finding any of that in Genesis 1. "Intelligent design" is a liberal plot meant to lure us from the truth of Young Earth Creationism.

    @Barry:

    It was a burned ruin, covered by snow.

    Ah, so they had a Republican-controlled Congress, too.

  25. Skepticalist Says:

    While not exactly on target, Wal Mart is the most Jesus Jolly of the big box stores that I've seen. Just look at their book section. You have to get past several shelves of iffy Christian blather however.

  26. Andrew Says:

    @Katydid: As I understand it, there are exactly two differences between halal and kosher meat: Halal meat must be slaughtered by an observant Muslim, who must say a Muslim prayer while slaughtering it. AFAIK, kosher meat, which is slaughtered in the exact same, exceeding cruel, way, carries no such requirement. So a rabbi could certify halal meat as kosher, but an imam would be unlikely to do the reverse.

  27. Andrew Says:

    @Katydid: As I understand it, there are exactly two differences between halal and kosher meat: Halal meat must be slaughtered by an observant Muslim, who must say a Muslim prayer while slaughtering it. AFAIK, kosher meat, which is slaughtered in the exact same, exceedingly cruel, way, carries no such requirement. So a rabbi could certify halal meat as kosher, but an imam would be unlikely to do the reverse.

  28. J. Dryden Says:

    West is simply doing what comes naturally: following the Reagan playbook. Reagan would tell a story–Welfare queens driving Cadillacs, gun laws in England dictating that anyone using a gun in a crime was tried for murder, trees causing air pollution–and everyone who had at least a minor connection to reality would say "That is not true." And Reagan would grin and shrug and continue talking as if nothing had happened to contradict him.

    Which ties into what was discussed the other day about the suffering Pennsylvanians in fracking country: It doesn't matter to such people. Contrary proof, even in the form of direct experience, will never pierce the fanaticism. Whether it's Soviet doctrine, fundamentalist dogma, or belief in the healing power of shakra-infused crystals (or crystal-infused shakras), there are simply those for whom a stupid set of rigid beliefs are all they will acknowledge, and when the real world rebuts them, then the real world is either changed (disastrously) or denied (also disastrously.)

    The kid's name-tag could have read "Steve," and West would've concluded that he'd borrowed/stolen it from someone. The sign could have been accidentally placed–the kid thought it was the 12 Items Or Less notice–and the mere fact that such a sign exists would have been proof that Sharia law is one weekend away from taking over.

    West and his readers–and please, never forget, they are many and THEY VOTE, IN PRIMARIES AND IN LOCAL ELECTIONS–have long since decided what The Narrative is. We cannot expect them to deviate from it, any more than we can expect those who believe that blowing themselves up in a Tel Aviv disco to think twice about the logic of their actions. Different stakes (to be sure), same internal dynamic.

  29. Robert Says:

    Some blathering whackaloons insist that Christians must not eat halal meat or poultry because it's been sacrificed to an idol. They argue that Allah does exist, but is a separate entity from YHVH/God Almighty, and therefore demonic.

    I try to imagine what it is like to live like that, but always fail. Perhaps I'm lucky.

  30. Andrew Says:

    @Robert: No perhaps about it. You're definitely lucky. Scandinavians can't even work out why Americans talk/think about God so much, even those who don't believe in one. If you asked a typical Dane whether there is or is not a God, he/she might honestly answer that he/she hasn't given it much thought.

  31. grondo Says:

    @Katydid – 'Tis not the oogedy-boogedy words that make the difference, but *whose* oogedy-boogedy words they are.

  32. Emerson Dameron Says:

    @Andrew:
    I guess Kierkegaard was lonely. Figures. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

  33. Katydid Says:

    @Andrew; thanks for correcting me. I looked it up and yes, you're absolutely right; in lieu of an observant Jewish person saying the oogedy-boogedy words themselves, slaughterhouses can pay money and be certified as Kosher because they SAY they're saying the oogedy-boogedy words. '

    @grondo; you're absolutely right–the provenance of the oogedy-boogedy words is Very Important to people who care about such things. Such as my whackaloon relatives who happily eat kosher meat but would faint in outrage at the very *idea* of eating halal meat.

  34. Scout Says:

    And besides the more glaring hilarity you all have already pointed out, there was this small tidbit that amused me.

    "This is what happens when your daughter is pursuing a Masters in Molecular/Cellular Biology. So we were off to the local Walmart Superstore just up the road."

    Proving once again that possessing advanced degrees (or in this case pursuing one) doesn't give you great judgement or common sense regarding diet and food choices.

  35. Chris Says:

    This story made much more sense once I realized that Allen West is not TV's Batman.

  36. Katydid Says:

    @Scout: I also wondered what such a degree would confer in nutrition knowledge, particularly since the woman in question was shopping at Wal-Mart, where you can get cheezy squiffs by the barrel and wash them down with gallons of store-brand soda.

  37. Skepticalist Says:

    West is happy to have been home schooled but he didn't do very well.

  38. Comradde PhysioProffe Says:

    All these years, I thought FJM was "Fuck Joe Morgan".

  39. ronzie Says:

    Maybe Allen was channeling the spirit of Emily Litella? https://youtu.be/V3FnpaWQJO0

  40. bb in GA Says:

    @cund

    You are usually the most reliable critic of Fox News (and there are others who pretty regularly dig in.) Y'all's opinions are often well founded, but I don't understand why you are obsessed with Fox.

    There are approximately 243 million adults (> 18 y.o.) in the U.S. The 'best' show on Fox is Bill O'Righteous pulling about 2 – 3 million. Limbaugh draws about 5 million per day. The other RW talkers pull lower numbers and the audiences all very cross elastic.

    MSNBC is about 1/4 Fox' audience and is as equally irrelevant..

    Why does 1 – 2 percent of the adult population cause so much heartburn ?

    //bb

  41. Andrew Says:

    @bb: It's because almost no one on what passes for the left in this country gets all of their media from MSNBC, whereas many people get all of their media from Fox News.

  42. no mo ah Says:

    FJM … someone says it means "Fire joe Morgan" … still at a loss ….

  43. svnski Says:

    Shit, I thought it was Adam West you were talking about… Was wondering how the man who pioneered the Bat Dance ended up here

  44. SeaTea Says:

    no mo ah: LMGTFY:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fire_Joe_Morgan

  45. sc Says:

    that is actually exactly backwards regarding kosher v. halal meat – muslims who keep halal will usually eat kosher meat if they cannot get halal, while jews who keep kosher will not usually do the reverse.

    also i'm not sure where you get your info re: slaughterhouses saying the "boogedy-boogedy words". there are not exactly very many kosher slaughterhouses around; unless you're in NYC, most kosher meat comes from postville iowa. shocheits are uncommon.

  46. J R in WV Says:

    Well, at least I'm not the only ignorant bastid out here in the countryside wondering what the heck FJM stands for! I got the Fuck part down, the the J and the M… not so much.