THIS IS JUST A TEST

In 1904 Colorado Governor James Peabody had the state police physically place Mary "Mother" Jones on a train heading out of Denver after she was accused of rousing rabble among striking coal miners – which she most certainly was, of course. She exited the first stop across the state line, got on the first train returning to Denver, and sent Gov. Peabody a letter that read, in part:

I wish to notify you, governor, that you don't own the state. When it was admitted to the sisterhood of states, my fathers gave me a share of stock in it; and that is all they gave to you. The civil courts are open. If I break a law of a state or nation it is the duty of the civil courts to deal with me. That is why my forefathers established those courts to keep dictators and tyrants such as you from interfering with civilians. I am right here in the capital, after being out nine or ten hours, four or five blocks from your office. I want to ask you, governor, what in the Hell are you going to do about it?

Sometimes the best negotiation is not to negotiate. Acknowledge the rules of the game and tell the other party "Your move."

Within 45 minutes of David Souter's retirement announcement the usual suspects were in full pant-shitting rage over the President's replacement (who, of course, hasn't been chosen but is almost certainly the antichrist). The fake right-wing interest groups that exist to protest any judicial nominee to the left of Bill Frist have leapt into action. And it's clear from the outset that they know exactly how many legs they have to stand on in this fight, as their statements make clear:

Leaders on the call, such as Wendy Long of the Judicial Confirmation Network, told colleagues that one of their first challenges is convincing activists there is a fight to be had. (snip)

Conservative activists also made it clear that they're concerned about whether Republican senators have the stomach for this fight, since they know going in that Democrats have a nearly filibuster proof majority.

"We've really got to make it clear that we have certain expectations for Republican senators," Levy said, "Including the fact that they study the nominee and not run to the podium to endorse the nominee whoever it is.”

Another member of the Judicial Confirmation Network, Gary Marx, said he has the same concerns. "We need to really be focused on putting wind in the sails of these Republican senators at this stage of the battle," said Marx.

The question they can't answer, of course, is what in the hell the Senate GOP is supposed to do about it. In my read of the criticism (i.e., Michelle Malkin's predictable illiterate ravings) what they really want the Republicans to do is piss and moan and somehow stop a nomination process they have almost no ability to influence. Perfect. That's what the GOP can do well: ineffectually bitch.

I don't want to say anything as cliched as "This is Obama's first big test," but this is Obama's first big test. The person he appoints will have a 20+ year legacy and the President absolutely cannot bend too far to appease the 40 people the GOP has remaining in the Senate. With Specter the Democrats have sixty – once the Franken mess is sorted out – and thus no power. The only thing that is important for the President is to make 60, not 100, happy. As weak as the coalition of 60 seems, this is not an impossible task.

The Democrats have 55 solid people who will support just about any nominee who isn't completely wacky. Franken is 56, and his situation may be resolved in the near future. Lieberman and Specter are 57 and 58. Normally this would be horrifying, but Holy Joe has consistently expressed pro-choice views throughout his political career and wears a 100% rating from NARAL. While there is considerable skepticism about what Specter will do here, remember that he is worried about impressing liberal Pennsylvanians and this might be a good housewarming gift. He wants to avoid Democratic primary challengers, not alienate the party he just joined in hopes of getting re-elected next year. 59 and 60 are a little more tricky: Ben Nelson (D-NE) and Evan Bayh (D-IN).

It's widely accepted among Democrats that Nelson is about as useful as tits on a steer. They accept him and his voting record because he helps them numerically. That's about it. He's a conservative from a conservative state. Bayh is enamored of the mushy center and his social views trend toward conservative. Obama can accomodate these two without accomodating them, without compromising the integrity of what he is trying to do here. Pick five nominees who are essentially the same – young and liberal. Tell the pair of Senators "Pick one you like. Pick one you could live with. Pick three you can't live with." They will inevitably discard three of them based on superficial "controversial" aspects of their record – some inflammatory speech the nominee gave, some transgression from his or her personal background, or some ruling on a hot-button but irrelevant issue like flag burning or displaying Nativity scenes. Problem solved.

Like the toy steering wheel my nephew likes to spin while mom drives the van, the key is to make the would-be obstructionists feel like they're controlling the process when in reality they are being skillfully manipulated. Telling Evan Bayh that he gets to pick the nominee makes him feel like a Big Boy who drinks from an adult cup. Let him have that meaningless thrill. The key is to present a group of options who are identical on significant issues. Let the Senate bicker over someone's opinion on displaying the Ten Commandments in courthouses. The overarching goal is to get the substantive issues right. All else is chaff.

A VERY SPECIAL FJM FOR MICHAEL STEELE

RNC Chairman Michael Steele sent the following email to the RNC listserve on Tuesday. Despite my explicit desire to spread out the FJM series, this is an opportunity one cannot overlook.

Dear _______,

I hope Arlen Specter's party change outrages you. It should for two reasons:

"Hi, I'm Michael Steele, token black guy and second-in-command to whichever talk radio jackass is leading you people these days. We fucked up – bad. But if your blind, ignorant rage got us into this mess it can certainly get us out! Am I right? Am I right?"

First–Specter claimed it was philosophical–and pointed his finger of blame at Republicans all over America for his defection to the Democrats. He told us all to go jump in the lake today.

Well, you were all really nice to him. This is quite a mystery. Scotland Yard is working on it. Two separate teams working in 12-hour shifts. One of them has a bloodhound.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe a word he said.

Luckily for Senator SuperJowls, it no longer matters whether or not you believe him.

Arlen Specter committed a purely political and self-serving act today. He simply believes he has a better chance of saving his political hide and his job as a Democrat. He loves the title of Senator more than he loves the party–and the principles–that elected him and nurtured him.

This is copied verbatim from the email the RNC sent out when Dick Shelby and Ben Nighthorse Campbell abandoned the Democrats and joined the GOP in 1994. The Republicans responded by refusing to admit those gentlemen to their caucus. Moral outrage knows no partisanship.

Second–and more importantly–Arlen Specter handed Barack Obama and his band of radical leftists

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nearly absolute power in the United States Senate. In leaving the Republican Party–and joining the Democrats–he absolutely undercut Republicans' efforts to slow down Obama's radical agenda through the threat of filibuster.

According to a statistic I just made up, 97% of Americans vehemently oppose the President and his radical plan to steal our guns and fluoridate our water.

Facing defeat in Pennsylvania's 2010 Republican primary due to his left-wing voting record

No, I'd say it's primarily because the Pennsylvania GOP is tiny and unrepresentative of the majority of the voters in the state. You know, the people required to win the general election. The GOP brand name is as marketable as "E.

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Coli Cafeteria" or "Childrape Daycare Center" up here. His voting record reflects his constituents. They live in Philly and State College and Scranton, not Beaumont, Texas.

and an end to his 30 year career in the U.S. Senate, he has peddled his services–and his vote–to the leftist Obama Democrats who aim to remake America with their leftist plan.

Oh, he didn't do that to help the leftist Obama leftists leftistly enact their leftist plan. He did it for revenge, to stick it in the GOP's ass sans lube. Unless blood counts as lube.

For the RNC, the last step in proofreading documents for release to the media is to have an intern go through and add "leftist" in as many places as possible.

As recently as April 9th, Senator Specter said he would run in the Pennsylvania primary next year as a Republican. Why the sudden change of heart?

Someday they will come for you too, Michael, and then you will understand. Also, I bet being assholes to the man for 25 years had something to do with it.

Clearly, this was an act based on political expediency by a craven politician desperate to keep his Washington power base–not the act of a statesman.

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Awesome. Accuse the man of being craven and desperate to keep his Washington power base as a means of criticizing him for undermining the craven GOP's desperate effort to keep its Washington power base.

His defection to the Democrat Party

"-ic". Someone really needs to catch this typo at RNC Headquarters, pictured here:

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puts the Democrats in an almost unstoppable position to pass Obama's destructive agenda of income redistribution, health care nationalization, and a massive expansion of entitlements.

No, the fact that you can't win a Senate seat north of Gatlinburg put the Democrats in that position.

Arlen Specter has put his loyalty to his own political career above his duty to his state and nation.

This is why the GOP strongly opposed Joe Lieberman's independent candidacy. Principle First every time with these people. Also, Arlen Specter's duty is to obstruct the White House and the overwhelming Congressional majority while taking marching orders from backward closet cases in Colorado Springs.

You and I have a choice. Some will use Specter's defection as an excuse to fold the tent and give up.

Fortunately it's a pretty goddamn small tent – one of those 20-ounce ultralight backpacking jobs; I highly recommend Kelty – so it shouldn't take long.

I believe that you are not one of those people.

This is where he begins the Bill Pullman speech from the end of Independence Day. They originally used the "band of brothers" speech from Henry V but found that conservatives don't like things that come from books.

When Benedict Arnold defected to the British, George Washington didn't fold the tent and give up either.

Well, he didn't give up because Arnold's fabled treachery had little military significance and no deterrent effect on Washington's ability to fight. It's exciting to think that the GOP might be adopting a "George Washington strategy" though – complete with 1000 Hessian mercenaries, numerous river fordings, and a nasty outbreak of typhus.

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He grit his teeth more determined than ever to succeed. That's what I'm asking you to do today.

Source: an interview with George Washington that I just made up.

Join me in this fight by making a secure online contribution of $25, $50, $100, $500 or $1,000 right now to build our army of supporters and defeat Democrat candidates like Arlen Specter in next year's elections.

The cash will be used to print signs reading ARLEN SPECTOR – SOCIALEST which will bring his campaign to its knees.

Stand with me. I need your support today.

I'd rather spend my money on organizations with greater odds of success than the GOP. That is why I just bought four Washington Nationals season tickets.

Sincerely,

Michael Steele
Chairman, Republican National Committee

Not for long, Yankee.

APOSTASY, TORTOISE AND HARE STYLE

In consuming a lot of conservative media, mostly for the purpose of mocking it, I've noticed some outliers and an unmistakable recent trend.

Little Green Footballs, founded and primarily authored by Charles Johnson, is routinely lumped in with the hysterical wing of the right along with the likes of Malkin, Free Republic, Instarube, and so on. The funny thing is that I find LGF entirely reasonable, well-written, and intelligent – as long as they're not talking about Israel. On the Arab-Israeli conflict or "Islamic extremism" they are borderline fascists. Other than that issue, Mr. Johnson is alarmingly…normal. Sadly, No aptly describes Johnson as a solid fellow driven immediately and overwhelmingly insane by 9/11. But honestly, bring up any other topic and he does a startling impression of a sane, normal person with decent writing skills.

A few other folks like self-identified traditional conservative Andrew Sullivan or mushy centrist (media speak for conservative) Marc Ambinder are similarly readable. This is a select group, the closest thing that the right has to intelligent commentary. They have something else in common as well: they appear to be going through a slow, public disillusionment with the conservative movement and the GOP.

This is most obvious with Johnson and LGF.

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Being a smart fellow, he has occasionally parted company with some of the right's nonsense. For example he now routinely slags Glenn Beck as an embarrassment to the movement. Throughout the election was loudly critical of anti-Obama conspiracy theorists (i.e., the birth certificate dipshittery). He has warned the right about allying with European "nationalist" organizations in the War against Islamic Immigrants because of said groups' frequent neo-Nazi ties. Predictably, former wingnut allies like the certifiably-insane Pam Atlas (check out her self-photo) have branded him an apostate and turned on him with a vengance he has not previously experienced. Eventually Johnson decided to label Ms. Atlas a "hateblogger" and "shrieking lunatic" after she accused him of neo-Nazi ties.

This wingnut civil war/pissing contest may be of little interest to non-bloggers but it speaks to a much larger issue. Johnson, like many conservatives, is in the midst of a pitched battle with his conscience. His ideological biases and his intellect are crossing lightsabers. The result is a man who is very publicly coming to grips with the truth about his right-wing colleagues, who is forced to admit to his audience of millions, "Holy crap.
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The people who make up this movement are totally fucking bonkers."

You can see the same in Andrew Sullivan pointing out the idiocy of Glenn Reynolds and the Teabagging "movement" or Marc Ambinder saying, "My Republican friends keep asking me when I'll take the GOP seriously again and why I've stopped writing about ticky-tak political gamesmanship and GOP consultant tricks. When they're a serious party with serious ideas, then we can talk." Come toward the light, boys.

These examples should not be disregarded when attempting to understand why a historically low 21% of people are willing to admit to being a Republican these days. Everyone with half a brain has turned his or her back on the party in embarrassment. I assume you all have Republican friends and relatives. How many of them are proud to admit that affiliation these days? For the irreducibles, the 20% who say that W was our greatest President, the pride remains. But how can the average, educated conservative – bankers, cops, teachers, medical professionals, engineers, etc. – watch Glenn Beck's lunatic ranting and be anything but mortified? Now that the party is leaderless and wingnut radio hosts have stepped in to fill the void, the party's ability to attract anyone above the grade of "mouthbreather" is severely limited.

There are a lot of smart people in this country and they do not share a single political viewpoint.

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People disagree. Always have, always will. But smart people, by virtue of being smart, are embarrassed by the kind of demagoguery and stupidity that the right uses to keep the rubes frothing at the mouth and ready to cast a vote against The Homos. Many of us realized this a long time ago – in 1964 for the older folks, or 1980 for the Gen-Xers, or 2002 for the youngest voters – but a lot of die-hard conservatives are playing the part of the tortoise. They don't want to admit it, but with every day, every idiotic best-selling book, every talk radio segment, and every cheap piece of grandstanding by the few Republicans in visible public offices, the truth becomes just a little bit harder to ignore.

BILL MURCHISON GETS THE FJM TREATMENT

The best part about being a Republican is that the right-wing media will defend anything. I mean, anything. There is nothing a Republican officeholder can say or do that is stupid, illegal, or offensive enough that an army of hacks won't take to their syndicated columns and talk radio mics to excuse it. This is why you are about to read a nugget of wisdom entitled "Was Rick Perry Just Kidding?" by a fifth-rate columnist whose own mother has never heard of him. If you haven't time to read the whole thing, here is the quick version of what happens in the following paragraphs: Bill Murchison lures Sound Logic and Good Argument into his dank, windowless van and proceeds to finger them.

Sneer, sneer, boo, hiss — and oh, boy!

A piece of prose that begins thusly can only be authored by A) Dr. Seuss or B) a man with a vast number of competing voices in his head. I don't want to give the rest of the column away, but Dr. Seuss died in 1991.

Did the "progressives" ever pour it on my governor, Rick Perry of Texas, for his playful reference at a Tea Party event to "secession" as an option possibly forming in the minds of sensible Texans.

Ah. It was "playful." All expectations that our public officials will not say things that are treasonous or completely retarded go out the window if spoken playfully. In his next column, Bill Murchison will go through airport security making jokes about the bombs in his luggage and wriggle out of legal trouble with a particularly wacky blazer and a spinning bowtie.

Why would we be thinking about such?

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US.

Because of "progressive" depredations in Washington, D.C., the governor said, if not in so many words.

Bill is a contrarian. Since good writing involves communicating an idea using the smallest possible number of carefully chosen words, Bill goes for quantity and incoherence. He also sits angrily in his seat while everyone else in the stadium is doing the wave.

The establishment harrumphed and gagged and generally went red. Gail Collins of the New York Times: "[H]ave you noticed how places that pride themselves on being superpatriotic seem to have the most people who want to abandon the country entirely and set up shop on their own?"

That sounds like an entirely reasonable question. The kind a normal person would ask.

Come on, lady, back off a little. No one's going anywhere — as well you certainly know.

"As well you certainly know?" Either this was written in Urdu and translated back into English with a free online translator or Bill puts each word he wants to use on a notecard, scatters them to the afternoon breeze, and lets fate arrange them into sentences.

Nobody's called for a secession convention. I looked up and down the street this morning; not a single effigy of Nancy Pelosi dangled from the live oaks. Driving to the office, I heard no suggestion that we hang Harry Reid, Chris Dodd, or, preferably, both to a sour apple tree.

See? No one's violently trying to secede yet. They're just talking about it, which is always harmless and never progresses to the kind of behavior cited here.

No matter. Sigh.

Do you have any idea how big of a hack one must be as a writer to actually write "Sigh" to communicate that emotion? If your writing is so bad that you can't convey a simple emotion without saying "I AM EXASPERATED RIGHT NOW" then maybe writing isn't for you.

The progressives have the bit between their teeth and seem bent on the usual pretense that these Texans are a bunch of ingrates whom we shouldn't trust as far as we can throw a grand piano.
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Ingrates? No, Bill. We think you're borderline-illiterate yahoos in cowboy hats and Chevy Suburbans who say "y'all" a lot thanks in part to some of the worst public schooling north of El Salvador.

Well, you know what? It's too much trouble seceding, even if we could.

This is perhaps the least reassuring reassurance I have ever seen, rivalled only by Oswald telling the security guard "I just want a better view of the parade route so I can take pictures."

And, pace the governor, we can't.

Foil, runs nubuck gracefully. Pong lapdance railroad kidneys. Towel? Gap dash an eskimo!!

Rather than the secessionary right he alleged we brought with us into the Union, we brought the right — undoubted, but similarly impractical — to divide into five states.
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We'll have to stick around a bit longer.

This reminds me of that time I read the complete set of Time-Life Home Repair and Improvement books on peyote.

That shouldn't deprive us of the right to remind fellow Americans of some practices and virtues our land could do well to renew.

Oh, good. Please do lecture us so that we may become more like Lubbock and Beaumont. When I worry about our Practices and Virtues here in the midwest I often think, "You know how we oughta do things?
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Like they do things in Corpus Christi."

A key one is regard for the inherent right of local people, even under a federal union, to defend and oversee their own modes of life.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO STATES' RIGHTS!!!!!1!1!!!oneone!!!! A noble concept always used to defend other noble concepts. OMG let's have another nullification crisis!!

In other words — golly gee! — Texans might not want exactly the same things Californians want. They might wish lower taxes and less regulation by government. Their approaches to education and health care and energy might differ as well. So also the ways they deal with simple matters like eating: more sirloins in Texas, more tofu on the Left Coast.

Let's look at the rankings.

Life expectancy by state: #10. California, #30. Texas
Adult obesity by state: #10 Texas, #30 California
Heart disease deaths per 100,000: Texas 220, California 191

Nice.

Alas, the Obama regime, as we may decide to start calling it one of these days, has other notions.

"One of these days" = January 2009

It appears to cherish uniformity, the close alignment of ideals and methods: everybody doing the same thing the same way for the same reasons.

Well, technically it believes, as most of us left-leaning yankees do, in trying to bring our slow southern cousins up to first-world standards, perhaps by teaching science instead of the Bible and working on getting those teen pregnancy rates below Nigeria's. I disagree, but the bleeding hearts believe they can fix you. Maybe make you less of an embarrassment. Me, I'm Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross. I'm here on a mission of mercy. I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me for a favor. I said, "If you want a favor, take my advice and fire their asses, because a loser is a loser."

You think I'm fuckin' with you, Bill? I am not fuckin' with you.

The Obamanistas may want uniform rules regarding the cars and trucks we drive and the energy those vehicles consume.

Yep. Are we supposed to be ashamed of that? This is not unlike saying "Can you believe these nanny state liberals who want me to stop committing so many rapes?!?" I can live with having judged you on this point.

They want, it seems, national education standards — a goal furthered, as one hates to acknowledge, by a former Texas governor, George W. Bush via the No Child Left Behind Act.

Yep. And here's the important part, so stay with me: this time the national education (sic) standards won't be retarded. Semantics, semantics.

We may even wind up with national standards for humor. A joke, son, ain't a joke no more, and that's the truth.

This is the most forced transition to a slippery slope argument – and not even a good bad argument at that – in the history of whatever language Bill Murchison speaks.

The governor of Texas no more demanded secession from the Union than he called for a Lone Star Beer to be brought him.

Rick Perry, April 15, as the crowd chanted "Secede! Secede! Secede!": "There's a lot of different scenarios. We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that."

He raised an eyebrow; he winked. Never mind. A stalwart "progressive" trying to show up conservatives is ever alert to serendipitous events and occasions.

Here's an idea, Bill. Threaten to kill an elected official and give the jury the old "But I winked!" excuse. Write me a letter on your prison stationery letting me know how it worked out for you.

So maybe he shouldn't have said it. That's from one perspective. Here's another: A Union of the sort our wise and virtuous founders thought they were creating is as loose and flexible as a Union can realistically be made; accommodative of divergent viewpoints, and all the stronger for it, all the more united, too.

You know what kinds of viewpoints they didn't accomodate? Secession. That has a way of making us weaker and more divided, not quite stronger and more united.

The Union we seem to see dead ahead through the windshield, with the people of 50 different states all cuffed together in mutual subservience, isn't what the founders had in mind. Good for Rick Perry on that score: He raised a useful subject, even if to his own detriment. Let's enjoy. Such a moment may not come again for a long, long time.

Flawless, Bill. Just flawless. Undermining your own argument, stringing together words into incoherent non-sentences, coming to no conclusion, and fizzling out because you couldn't think of a way to end it – brilliant. Here's the rub. If you consider our current situation "mutual subservience" then your level of anger is appropriate, like if I referred to you as "Child pornographer and white supremacist Bill Murchison." That would justify some pretty extreme anger directed at you. And since none of that is true, you'd be pretty baffled by the response. Yet that's exactly what you're doing here, cubby. Those cuffs and that forced subservience aren't real. They exist only in your head. If the rest of us lived in your head then this piece and Rick Perry's bloviating would ring true and sound to a downtrodden nation like a call to action.

But we live on Earth and you sound like an idiot.

THE NUMBERS RACKET

Last week I had my first professional success in the world of political science, as one of the better-known academic journals accepted one of my submissions for publication. It deals with projections of population change in the 2010 and 2020 Censuses (yes, "censes" is also acceptable) and what that will mean for Congressional apportionment and the Electoral College. I've accumulated more experience with and knowledge about the Census and American population dynamics than the average Joe in political science. Allow me to share what I've learned: the Census is seriously fucked up. And what do you know, most of the existing flaws benefit the conservatives who are screaming like tea kettles about the insidious Obama Census plans.

The right is well into their predictable pant-shitting hysterics about the President's decision to have the director of Census 2010 reporting directly to the White House. How this is appreciably different than having him report to the Commerce Secretary, a person hand-picked by and reporting directly to the President, is unclear. How this is appreciably different from the four years that the Congressional GOP spent trying to pass legislation in the 1990s to monkey with Census 2000 is unclear. It's not like the potential for political manipulation isn't real – the Census is laden with latent flaws that benefit the GOP.

Shocking, I know.

The root problem is that the traditional image of the Census-taker going door-to-door and taking a head count of each American became a logistical impossibility more than a century ago. That may have worked in 1790 but it goes without saying that it is not feasible in modern America. Thus the Census is forever dealing with the problem of how to count people who can't physically be counted. The GOP has a simple answer: don't. As the undercounting is vastly more prevalent in densely-packed urban areas, statistical adjustments to account for the uncounted are called a sinister Democrat ploy.

While "sampling" – projecting a large population based on a small sample – is not permitted, the Census does use a statistical technique called hot deck imputation to fill in missing data points. After an address has not returned the Census form and after the Census-takers have made multiple visits to the address without contact, the Bureau will impute the data based on neighborhood characteristics. In other words, they can't extrapolate but they can fill in a few blanks. The constitutionality of this technique was affirmed by the Supreme Court in Utah v Evans (2002). Imputation has little partisan impact (the awarding of the final Census 2000 Congressional seat to North Carolina instead of Utah was not only a wash for the GOP but a fluke – it could have been almost any two states) but sampling, which would produce a more complete population count, does. Therefore the inverse is also true – not sampling has a partisan impact that hurts Democrats.

The right are also in hysterics about Obama's devious plan to "count every illegal alien" as Skeletor Michelle Malkin shrieks. Here's Dirty Secret #1 about the Census: they've always counted illegal and legal immigrants. The Census is a count of the number of people in a box. Distinctions are not made between voter and non-voter, adult and child, citizen and non-citizen. The bile-spewing reaction this fact produces on the right is exactly as you would expect, but…OK, Michelle. Who do you think is benefitting from this? Let's stop counting non-citizens and see what happens to the population counts in Texas, Arizona, Florida, and across the plains (where immigrant labor in agriculture, meatpacking, and manufacturing subsidizes the entire economy). While California would also take a hit, overall, "Red America" is the beneficiary of this little-reported fact.

And here comes the best part: prisons. The GOP never has a problem with the ridiculous way the Census counts prisons. Throughout the country we stick our giant carceral warehouses in rural (read: economically desperate, willing to do anything to get state cash flowing through the streets of Podunk) communities who subsequently see their populations increase by five or ten thousand. These new "residents" have no political rights, of course, but the human chattel comes in handy when it's time to draw legislative district boundaries! What, like Susanville, California would be important without its four CDC facilities? Right.

The Census procedures are well on their way to becoming the next big thing in the uniquely American art of fucking up what should be very simple: counting stuff. What pregnant chads and Diebold EVMs did for the past decade the Census will do for the next several years. Those extra Congressional seats, Electoral Votes, and Federal dollars are vitally important and partisans are willing to fight for them in the streets, in Congress, and in court. Any level of political manipulation in the Census process is undesirable, but as ultraconservatives ramp up their poorly-informed jihad against liberal scheming it is worth remembering that the status quo is absolutely riddled with holes and – coincidentally, I'm sure – tilts the process in favor of the Welfare Queen States of red America.

TUNNELING TO CHINA

I can't imagine a lazier blog post for someone left of center than "Fox News is a joke," a statement which immediately redlines the nearest No Shit meter. As hard as it may be to conceive, though, in the past two weeks the network has jumped a new and bigger shark. To watch their "coverage" of the teabagging non-movement is to watch a network that no longer puts up the slightest pretense of being a news organization and fully embraces its role as a free 24-hour infomercial for mobilizing the vast herd of idiots who stare at it unquestioningly throughout the evening hours.

"But Ed," you say, "where have you been? This has been the case for 13 years." No. This is different. It hasn't been like this before. Having already hit rock bottom years ago, the network now appears to be tunneling through the Earth at a frightening pace.

Teabagging organizers seem extraordinarily proud of their alleged 200,000 person turnout on April 15. Leaving aside the fact that the figure is vastly inflated, that number isn't terribly impressive given the two weeks of round-the-clock fawning coverage and pleas for turnout on the network of record among bovine Americans. Am I overstating it? Media Matters has a massive list of videos, broadcast screenshots, quotes, and details on the network's decision to aggressively promote the events. While the network feebly attempted to hide behind a "coverage isn't promotion" defense, it is undermined considerably by the persistent liberal bias of reality:

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Every on-air personality sprinted out from behind the news desk to "cover" these "events." FoxNews.com contained a complete list of the dates, times, locations, and websites of the protests. They gave copious airtime to bobbleheaded promoters like Malkin and Instarube but also to "grassroots" organizers like this shaved ape who organized the Houston bagging.

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They interviewed the tool who wrote the "Tea Party Anthem" in his spare time between gigs behind the local bus station. But as bad as the promotional campaign was – and Media Matters effectively documents the whole thing – it pales in comparison to the live coverage on the 15th.

Watch Neil Cavuto, who spent the day at the Sacramento teabagging, make up an attendance figure when he thought his mic was off and then triple it on the air. Watch a Fox News "reporter" (apparently on loan from local frat house) ask viewers, "(W)hen are we going to wake up and start fighting the fascism that seems to be permeating this country?"

When all was said and done, the total amount of free marketing and promotion provided to the far right think tanks who created this non-event was staggering: 23 individual segments and 73 on-air promos in just eight days. What would that have cost at the going advertising rates? Other networks responded by all but ignoring the protests except to mock them, as this CNN reporter did on the 15th. This resulted in the predictable paranoid hysterics about media bias. What no one cares to explain, of course, is what about this was worth covering, what the objective was, and what was accomplished. The answers are nothing, nothing, and nothing, respectively.

While Murdoch media have always been shameless mouthpieces for the right interrupted only by ass-kissing editorials, I'm not sure that American audiences have ever seen a news network resort to infomercial-style hard selling for weeks on end to promote a specific event – an event that Fox sponsored. We can safely imagine that were the shoe on the other foot and CNN anchors were broadcasting live from "CNN Presents: Rallies to Support President Obama," Beck et al would be gushing blood from every orifice in an effort to expel as much biblical rage as possible before their black little hearts exploded from the strain.

ED GOES UNDERCOVER TEABAGGIN'

So my good friend Scott pointed out that for all of my talk about Teabaggin', I was strangely ambivalent about the opportunity to see one in the flesh. Well, my inner anthropologist and innate love of freaks won out in the end. Resolved: I would walk freely among the Teabaggers, pretending to be one so that I might learn of their ways.

The first question was if I could successfully infiltrate them. I'd need something like a Soldier of Fortune t-shirt, a bandana, a ratty old Army coat, and the ability to look like a mouthbreather with an IQ of 98.
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CHECK.

Next, I would need someone with a funny sign that Teabaggers would laugh at without realizing that it was making fun of them. Liz?

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CHECK. Note the twin bags hanging testicularly.

But what would we see there? Would there be misspellings?

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Oh HELLSYEAH there would be misspellings. (If that's not clear, the Patriot's sign reads "Remember Descent the highest form of patriotic.") He sign make good! Was that an isolated example of poor facility with the English language?

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I have a theory that you should never protest against something until you can spell it correctly. I must admit that I got a chuckle out of "Don't Tax Me, Bro." But now for the important questions: would there be racist signs? Come on, tell me there would be racism.

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Ha ha ha! Homeschooled rural Indiana kids hold the darnedest signs. Would there also be wingnuttery?
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Would there be old people? White ones?

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Guys hawking guns? Well, he knows his audience!

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Yes, it was quite the human zoo. The thing is, everyone looked like they were having so much fun being furious, bitching, moaning, and directing all sorts of hate at the concept of taxation. I decided to give it a try with some archaic flags as a backdrop.

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GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I AM SO MAD ABOUT MY ENTIRELY REASONABLE TAX BURDEN WHICH IS THE SMALLEST IN THE INDUSTRIALIZED WORLD AND WILL GET SMALLER THANKS TO THE NEW PRESIDENT!

Good times. And now a word about the event. First, I must give non-ironic, sincere props to the event attendees. The weather was lousy and there were at least 150 people there. I tip my hat to that. Good turnout. The consensus estimates among my cohort (me, Liz, Scott, Amanda, Patti, and Will) was somewhere between 150 and 200 attendees. That is respectable; now let's get a good chuckle out of how ridiculously they inflate it.

The event itself lasted about four minutes. A guy with a bullhorn led the Pledge of Allegiance and gave a "speech" that lasted just long enough to pop a bag of microwave popcorn. At this point about half of the crowd left. Literally, they sighed a collective "OK, I've done my part" and ambled back to their SUVs. What remained was a smaller number of vocal sign-wavers who lined a street that receives very little traffic and shouted at passing cars. They seemed to be mistaking the horn honks and waves as an upswell of support, but I think most of the passersby were making fun of them.

In summary, the crowd was decently sized, 99.9% white, 90% over 60 or under 6, 50% cowboy-hatted, and REALLY angry about…something. It was far from a grassroots political movement. It was a bunch of people who overcame their revulsion toward other people long enough to stand in the same place for 180 seconds before disbanding and rushing to the nearest Waffle House.
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No real media showed up and, in a not-coincidence I'll have much more to say about next week, there was no police presence. I guess big groups of white people without permits don't necessitate quite as many angry cops as an anti-war rally!

It was an honest oversight, I'm sure.
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Just remember, this is the face of real America, and the face of a new revolution sweeping the nation. Look upon it and tremble:

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THE UNSILENT NON-MAJORITY

One of the downsides of being part of a team of crack experts over at Instaputz is that, like Glenn Reynolds, I feel like I have already talked to death this ridiculous Teabagging "movement" which culminates in today's astroturfed Tax Day mass bitch-ins. Everything that needs to be said about how meaningless this talk radio-driven spectacle is has already been said. We know these rallies are just a meeting place for militiamen, septuple-chinned suburban commandos (who, hard working as they are, somehow have the day off), the dregs of the local trailer parks, College Republicans who've never had a job but feel quite strongly about Unions and taxes, and a grab-bag of societal detritus with the interpersonal skills of a rabid wolverine. Leaving this aside, I'll make two comments about the nomenclature these Indoor Kids have chosen to use for their circle jerks.

First, "Tea Parties." The level of historical ignorance necessary to adopt this term is difficult to conceive. In the Boston Tea Party, wealthy colonists protested a tax on tea by dumping their tea in Boston Harbor – cutting off their noses to spite the King's face. They took something that was worth a lot of money and said "We'd rather piss away a thousand dollars worth of tea than allow you to tax it." Where is the connection to what is happening in 2009? Is this gaggle of sheep going to dump their paychecks, their SUVs, their HDTVs, and their iPhones in a body of water? Toss them in a bonfire? Commit any kind of self-sacrificing act of protest? No. They're going to bitch. That's what conservatives do. They bitch and whine like a bunch of poncy hairdressers.

I apologize for the grievous insult to poncy hairdressers implied in that analogy.

If it's not about bitching, then what is it about? Protesting deficits? Whoops. Republicans cause deficits and Democrats fix them. Tax increases? Unless all of these jackasses are making $250,000+, nope. I'd be willing to bet that 99.99% of the bozos putting on a show for the cameras got a nice tax cut from B. Hussein Obama. It's not about anything. It's about angry, angry people who just want to make a very public show of how angry they are. About stuff.

Second, they've brought back the Nixonian "Silent majority" to refer to their Legion. There are several problems with this, the most obvious being that it is neither silent, given the sheer quantity of wailing/gnashing of teeth/rending of garments being done by these gasbags, nor is it a majority. See, we left wing pinkos had our own "Tea Party" back in November, the end result of which made it pretty clear who is not a majority. Semantics aside, here's the real problem with the "grassroots/silent majority/Real Americans" argument, the same problem we encounter when this argument is thrown at the cameras during elections – it smacks either of barely-concealed racism or a misguided belief that it is 1952.

The right, as Thomas Frank has written about for 20 years, is so very, very desperate for working-class authenticity. This is why they continually trot out pathetic characters like Samuel the Unlicensed Plumber or vague stereotypes like "small business owners" and "America's farmers." As the benefits of Republican governance accrue almost entirely to the wealthy, they must go to great lengths and make endless promises they have no intention of keeping (Abortion! Guns! Culture wars!) to get Down With the People. Hence this very curious "grassroots, real Americans" aspect to the masturbatory coverage of these events in the right-wing media.

Did Sean Hannity get out from behind a desk and attend the immigration amnesty rally in Los Angeles to which 500,000 people showed up last year? Did Fox News dedicate around-the-clock coverage and nearly unbearable homerism to the Iraq War protests which over a million Americans attended (150,000 in San Francisco alone) five years ago? Did Glenn Reynolds claim that government needs to Listen Up and Get the Message and Pay Attention and all this shit when 800,000 people (NYPD estimate; protesters claimed over a million, but such estimates are inevitably high) marched in New York City in 2004 to protest the RNC? Do any of these hacks wax patriotic about the millions upon millions of people who did something real and substantive in electing the new President – not standing around bitching, not listening to talk radio millionaires give speeches in a park amidst misspelled, homemade signs – last November? Of course not. Why? Because "those people" aren't Real Americans. See, Real Americans means white people. Angry, middle-aged, rural or suburban white people.

The mongrel brown hordes who show up to anti-War rallies or who elected our new "non-American" (BLACK! Did you hear the dog whistle? BLAAAAAAAAAAACK!) President don't really matter but when real America speaks, guv'mint damn well better listen. And it just so happens that Real America is always a dumb white guy in jeans and a flannel. A lard-assed white woman with seven kids, a perm, and a 4th-grade reading level. A hillbilly with a Confederate flag, a misspelled placard, or both. A yuppie who's fed up and just isn't going to take the horrible treatment to which society has thus far subjected him.

And this is why I came to the 1952-or-racism conclusion earlier: that hasn't been America for decades. What the left has is real America, and boy-howdy does that drive the authenticity-seeking right crazy. An Obama rally, or an immigration amnesty rally, or an anti-war rally consists of people across age groups, religious denominations, racial and ethnic backgrounds, income ranges, and lifestyles. THAT IS AMERICA. To claim otherwise is inarguably ignorant; only whether that ignorance is willful is open for debate. Read Instarube as he wanks away about the virtue and authenticity of his fake movement (nauseatingly pimped by Fox, funded by elite right-wing think tank money):

These aren't the usual semiprofessional protesters who attend antiwar and pro-union marches. These are people with real jobs; most have never attended a protest march before.** They represent a kind of energy that our politics hasn't seen lately, and an influx of new activists.

Energy that hasn't been seen in our politics lately? Given that he spent most of the 2008 Election locked in a 69 with Hugh Hewitt, it's understandable that he missed the Obama campaign. It's understandable that, as a painfully square, so-white-I-make-Dick-Cheney-look-like-Eldridge-Cleaver hillbilly teaching at a 4th-rate law school in Tennessee, Glenn might have a skewed impression of what this country really looks like. But come on, you lazy prick. In the information age there is no excuse for failing to inform oneself about reality even while swaddled in a cocoon of nodding heads and simple declarative sentences.

I know not if the racial aspect of this ridiculous talk about Real America and Authenticity is rooted in ignorance or bigotry. I don't know if these people really think that it's 1952, that America is homogeneously white, rural, and thumping the (Protestant) Bible while living Leave it to Beaver lives, or if they simply think that white people are more important. But the inescapable fact, a fact that these little wankfests will only serve to reinforce, is that the left has America – multicultural, diverse, non-Evangelical Christian America – and the right has a bunch of tactless, clueless, out-of-touch, and perpetually angry white people pissing and moaning about their taxes.

How refreshing.

**(Note how the fact that these people are too selfish and lazy to have participated in any sort of mass political activity before is presented as a virtue, as is the fact that they now mobilize for the noble cause of their own love of money.)

ED GRADES STAR PARKER LIKE AN UNDERGRADUATE

I was tempted to go the FJM route when I laid eyes upon "Christian conservatism just getting started" by Star Parker. The more I looked at it, however, I realized that if an undergraduate student submitted this in class I would not even be able to muster the strength to give it a pity D. Star Parker, wealthy author and syndicated columnist, is not nearly as good of a writer as a college freshman. I am about to prove it.

There are some today who suggest that Christian conservatism as a political force is over.

Star, it's a good idea to avoid generalized attributions like "Some people say." These usually are thinly-veiled attempts by an author to insert his or her own opinion. It is unpersuasive and lazy.

Those who make this claim point to the fact that liberal Democrats now control the White House and both houses of congress, that the number of Americans self identifying as Democrats compared to Republicans has increased, that the direction of public opinion, particularly among young people, on social issues is liberal, and that the Republican Party itself has been divided over the conservative agenda.

This is a run-on sentence. "Congress" is a proper noun. The evidence you have cited here severely undermines your own argument. You are missing the purpose of a persuasive essay.

But those who write off Christian conservatism as a political force have underestimated the driving compulsion behind traditional faith and American freedom.

This is an appeal to emotion, not an argument. Citing empirical evidence that disproves your argument and then refuting it with your opinion – and a vague one at that – is a poor strategy.

Just looking at who is in power does not reveal the depth of division in the country today and for the reasons that the nation is so deeply divided, may I suggest that Christian conservatism will not only survive but will thrive.

After reading this six or seven times I came to the conclusion that it is a sentence fragment at best, and incomprehensible at worst. Did you proofread this? Your rhetorical style seems to be to present contradictory evidence and then tell the reader that you think it is wrong.

For although the Pew Research Center reports

"For although" is redundant.

For although the Pew Research Center reports that the partisan gap in approval for President Obama is the widest this gap has been in modern times with the difference between Democrat approval of Obama, 88 percent, and Republican approval, 27 percent, the "values" gap reflected in Pew and other studies is far too significant for some to suggest that conservative Christians take their voting rights home to be buried.

Ms. Parker, I do not appreciate it when students waste my time. Papers that have not been proofread and do not adhere to the basic rules of English grammar do just that.

According to a recent Gallup poll, 76 percent of Republicans say that religion is an "important part" of their life, compared to 57 percent of Democrats. And 55 percent of Republicans go to religious services at least once per week compared to 34 percent of Democrats.

What does this prove? All I see is evidence that Republicans may tell survey researchers that they go to church more often.

Whether or not they do, or what this means, is unclear.

Some 59 percent of Democrats

What does "some 59 percent" mean?

say out of wedlock births are morally acceptable, compared to 39 percent of Republicans. And with recent data showing 40 percent out of wedlock birth rates, what if any public policy should regulate this behavior?

The purpose of this assignment is to be persuasive by presenting evidence, not by asking rhetorical questions. You have offered no evidence to support the assumption that public policy should regulate the behavior in question.

Abortion is morally acceptable to 51 percent of Democrats compared to 25 percent of Republicans. And with 48 million abortion deaths since Roe v Wade, should no political concern address the societal costs of this law?

Star, you've had four abortions. Four! I hope you are prepared to defend your position in light of your own behavior.

Homosexuality is morally acceptable to 55 percent of Democrats and 30 percent of Republicans. And 52 percent of Democrats are ready to legalize same sex marriage compared to 22 percent of Republicans. We only need to look at 30 years of inner city data and see the impact of coupling government social engineering with unbridled sexual impulse.

I am at a loss to figure out what this means. What is the connection between homosexuality and…whatever it is to which you're linking it in the second sentence?

Without a moral compass in politics and law, where do we go to answer the hard questions?

Your conclusions do not match your data. 55% of Democrats supporting gay marriage = no moral compass. 30% of Republicans supporting gay marriage = moral compass. Where's the break point? I estimate 37.8%.

The Christian right has interjected itself into the political world because the political world came into their world.

This is non-sequitur and confusing.

The public schools that are educating the majority of America's children have been increasingly secularized and politicized.

Do you know what "public" means?

Public schools are by definition "secular." Christian conservatives have done much to politicize them, though, so your second point is valid.

The work place has been purged of biblical ethics. All public space is darkened by lawless and vulgar lasciviousness and becoming increasingly intolerant of practicing Christians.

We are not on Larry King. The assignment was not to submit a moral diatribe on what you consider "lawless and vulgar." You seriously misunderstand what "persuasion" means.

The result is that secular Americans have had a disproportionate impact on our country over recent years and biblical Americans are now fighting back with their voting rights.

"on our country over recent years" is poor syntax. Who are "biblical Americans?" If they are now fighting back with their voting rights, explain the November election results. And 2006. Do these examples mesh with your "argument?

"

Abraham Lincoln said that a "house divided against itself cannot stand."

Trite, but accurately quoted. Cite, please. When and where was this said? In what context?

He recognized that when points of contention have to do with basic values on common ground, we've got to decide who we are going to be.

What does "have to do with basic values on common ground" mean? This sentence does not make any sense. This clearly was not proofread and it reads like you slapped it together 20 minutes before class.

He knew the country couldn't continue half slave and half free and would have to become all of one or all of the other.

I fail to see how this is in any way related to your argument, or what your argument is for that matter. Only in the context of a paper with no argument is this sentence acceptable.

The divisions in America today have gotten beyond the political class and the talking heads.

Do you mean 'have gone beyond'? This appears to be your thesis, but no part of your paper has supported it.

It requires voting action to thread one worldview or the other into our rule of law and the Christian right has chosen the Republican Party as its needle.

"It requires voting action" sounds like this was written in Ukranian and translated into English – using a free, bad online translator. Your argument continues to damage itself. Having chosen the GOP as its needle, how does the party's failure support your point?

America is in a crisis because the wrong people have been making the wrong decisions for too many years.

Do you honestly not understand how badly this undercuts the entire point of your essay? Regardless, I am happy to see something true in this paper, even if it took 600 words.

Christian conservatives have an obligation to help lead America to it founding principles of traditional values and limited government. Christians must actively shape public policy in the country and inject our values into every part of our shared space.

It sounds like a conclusion, but it has little to do with what I just read.

So I would suggest that the naysayer put away their shovels

This kind of grammatical error insults the reader's intelligence.

because the religious right is not dead nor in a coma.

This should either read "or in a" or "nor is it in a." Two examples of grammatical butchery in one sentence.

Christian conservatives are not and never will withdraw. In fact, we are just getting started.

Read this sentence and tell me what grade you would give a paper that included it. What do you think? Here's what I think: I think your mother used a lot of powerful cleaning solvents without adequate ventilation while carrying you in utero. I feel like I have just watched Caddyshack 2 on peyote. This was so bad that it has to be a joke; if not, it is indicative of a complete disregard of the basic tenets of English composition and rhetoric. My first reaction was to ink "50/100. F" on this paper, but the more I thought about it I couldn't figure out what exactly you did to earn the 50 points. This is of a level of quality that I would not accept from a high school sophomore. You're in college. Act like it. There is no way that you will be able to get away with such poor writing in the real world beyond graduation, nor will you make it that far without a committment to improvement.