THANKS, PUBLIC SCHOOLS!

This is probably unethical, but such concerns are irrelevant when you are as burned out on grading as I am at the moment. The following is an actual answer from an undergraduate's final exam, which I am quoting verbatim. The question was to define an "externality":

"Externality is the outside side effect that going outside for help can be beneficial, like if we run out of pineapples we could go to another neighboring country + ask for their pineapples."

I need a drink and a shower. My soul hurts.

THIS IS WHEN THINGS GET REEEEEEAL GOOD

From the pages of the DC insider's gossip sheet The Nelson Report – the publication of record for leaking information anonymously – regarding a group of old Texas allies who visited the President to talk some sense into him regarding the Paul Wolfowitz World Bank fiasco:

[S]ome big money players up from Texas recently paid a visit to their friend in the White House. The story goes that they got out exactly one question, and the rest of the meeting consisted of The President in an extended whine, a rant, actually, about no one understands him, the critics are all messed up, if only people would see what he's doing things would be OK…etc., etc. This is called a "bunker mentality" and it's not attractive when a friend does it. When the friend is the President of the United States, it can be downright dangerous. Apparently the Texas friends were suitably appalled, hence the story now in circulation.

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Uh oh. So goes the transition from Dauphin Surrounded by Sycophants Who Isolate Him from Reality to full-blown self-pitying persecution complex. This scenario is clearly waving a number of different "Oh, shit" red flags:

  • 1. It is obvious that Our Leader has come full-circle and returned to the spoiled, self-absorbed twat he was prior to his political career. It's good to see that, with all the serious issues facing us at the moment, all he can think about is himself.

  • 2. This is, almost to a letter, exactly what Nixon sounded like immediately before things got reeeeeeeeal good.

  • 3. For all his boasting about not paying attention to polls (and the misconception, of which I am guilty, that he is deluded about his levels of clout) he is obviously very much aware of how unpopular he is. He is starting to understand that A) His entire legacy is Iraq, B) Iraq is a complete clusterfuck, and C) everyone blames him entirely for said clusterfuck. He will – if he's lucky – rank slightly behind James Buchanan on the Worst President Ever list.

  • 4. Paranoia, persecution complexes, etc. – none of these are good. Especially not with someone in a position of power and responsibility. This is when a leader crosses the line from incompetence/bad intentions to actively dangerous.

  • 5. The President has added Paranoid Martyr Complex to his already dangerous personality cocktail of stubbornness and stupidity.
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    In his mind, the only logical solution to any of this is to spend the last 18 months of his term trying to prove his "enemies" wrong with "bold" and decisive actions. Expect military action in Iran by the end of the year, with a lot of psychotic Damn The Torpedoes Because History Will Judge My Actions Well talk during the ensuing uproar.

    As the Nelson Report quote says, these signs of emotional and psychological cracking are disturbing when they happen to a friend or relative. In the leader of the free world the same signs aren't disturbing, they're terrifying.

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    One need do little more than look at a video clip of the President lately (he looks like he has aged 75 years, his voice is on the verge of tantrum/whining/tears, and his body language is ever more pleading and pathetic) to see that he not in fact totally divorced from reality. He realizes what is happening to him (6 years after the fact) and he is starting to crack. Most animals are dangerous when cornered and not offered an avenue of escape. Since his stubbornness and lack of brainpower preclude his only escape routes in this situation, the animal is about to become very dangerous. Liable, in fact, to lash out unpredictably and at random. The unfortunate reality is that this cornered animal happens to be the largest, most powerful carnivore on the planet.
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    Uh oh.

    Any day now you can expect the President's current visage (the bumbling Deer In Headlights look) to disappear and be replaced with the cold, thousand-yard stare of a cult leader squirting the kool-aid into his follower's mouths as the ATF agents storm the building. He's convinced that he is right and accepts that others are incapable of understanding that fact, so there's no logical course of action except to proceed to his apocalyptic PNAC-authored Endgame scenario. Sort of like Seung-Hui Cho, only, you know, he's the fucking president.

  • TAKE YOUR TIME, ASSHOLES.

    Reading through a rather dry but on-point open letter from Carl Levin to the President, I find one paragraph near the end to be particularly stunning. That is, the idea is not only stunning on its face but the media's failure to report it widely is equally so.

    The committee considering amendments to the Iraqi Constitution appears to be as far from completing its work as it has always been.
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    Meanwhile, the Assembly is apparently planning to go on a two month recess at the end of June. Let me repeat that since it is so unbelievable – the Iraqi Council of Representatives is apparently planning to go on a two month recess at the end of June. And incredibly, Hasan Suneid, a lawmaker and adviser to Prime Minister Maliki, was quoted in the paper the other day as saying that "time is irrelevant.

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    "

    No problem, guys. Head on down to South Padre for a couple of months and shake off the cobwebs.

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    At the current going rates, the two month vacation will only cost about 200 dead US troops and a couple thousand dead Iraqi civilians. You've gotta hand it to them, though. It's amazing how quickly they picked up on the average work schedule of a lawmaker in a democracy. After all, Iraq as it is today was baptized who is currently getting ready to head off to his Crawford, TX ranch for the 62nd time in six years (that's 409 total days at the ranch, or more than one full year – about 15% of his time since inauguration – spent on vacation).

    TIER-FOUR INTELLIGENCE

    There are very few things that infuriate me (and let's face it, lots of things do) quite like positions of significant politicalimportance being manned by idiots. Not to be a snob, but….let's face it, I want the Harvard/Stanford/Michigan guys in the White House situation room when the shit hits the fan, not some guy with a mail-order Associate's Degree. The worst part about the Monica Lewinsky story, for example, was that no one was questioning what a community college drop-out was doing working in such a high-level position.
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    Fast forward to the present day and the US Attorneys fiasco, and I think the most irritating fact is that there are over 150 graduates of something called "Regent University School of Law" working in the Justice Department.
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    Spend five minutes watching this video to get most of the facts in a suitably humorous format. It's good to know that a lot of the most important positions in our legal community are filled by people who went to the 136th-best law school in the nation, neck-and-neck with such academic bastions as Appalachian School of Law, Florida Costal School of Law, Thomas Cooley (!!!!
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    ), Northern Kentucky, and University of Detroit Mercy.

    When I think about my individual liberties, I sleep well knowing that the law is being enforced according to the standards of a school that was known as Christian Broadcasting Network School of Law fifteen years ago.

    WEAK WEEK

    This week was pretty sorry here on ginandtacos, and for that I apologize.
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    When my fever gets down under 130 degrees I will find the energy to feel worse about it. I am working up an epic Virginia Tech rant, but it's neither complete nor appropriate for a No Politics Friday.

    TWO RAPID REVIEWS

    1. The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie is, well….exactly what you would expect the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie to be. We're talking about a TV show whose 12-minute episodes can sometimes seem far too long. So at 87 minutes, this film will definitely drag unless the mere sight of the Plutonians is enough to entertain you. HOWEVER. However. WITH THAT SAID: The first 4 minutes of this film are possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen. I quite literally could not breathe or see by the time the opening sequence ended. I will not give anything away except that it prominently features the "Let's All Go to the Lobby" cartoon characters. And Mastodon.

    2. Don't call it a comeback, but…Year Zero is actually pretty good. True, just about anything would be an improvement over With Teeth, but aside from the apparent tendency to put one appalling faux-New Order "radio" single on each album ("Survivalism") this album suggests graceful aging combined with a healthy dose of that which worked in the past.

    MAILING IT IN

    Sorry for mailing it in, but all you get this Friday is a link to something that will pass the time and enrich your life.

    The Black Table is a fine website filled with quality and almost always amusing writing. It's a voluminous site and one could easily drown in the chaff, so let me point out the wheat – specifically, the "How-To" index. It includes step-by-step instructions (often accompanied by photos) on performing such crucial tasks as making Pruno (prison wine), making cigarettes out of spinach, and making a lamp out of a blender (which, if the repeated disclaimers are to be heeded, is quite hazardous relative to the inherent value of the final product). The Pruno tome is a classic, but don't skip epics like "From Bacon to Soap: The Impossible Journey" and the two-part odyssey "The Road to Turducken" either.

    If you choose to follow the procedures outlined in "How to Make Your Own Jesus Toast" and sell your creation on eBay, I demand a finder's fee for having directed you thusly.

    CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING

    Take note of how the mass killings at Virginia Tech have made you feel – upset, frightened, confused, angry, empty, whatever. It seems to have left the entire nation stunned and, at least for a brief moment before the NRA springs into action, reflective.
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    I share all of those sentiments in response to this senseless and horrific act of violence.

    Now take the way that you feel and try to imagine having three or four of these incidents every single day for three years. I suspect you can't imagine that.

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    It wouldn't be hard if you lived in Baghdad, though. You wouldn't have to "imagine" anything.

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    Between 50 and 200 civilians dead at the hands of suicide bombers and execution squads is an average day in Iraq.

    Just keep that in mind as you realize how awful these 33 needless deaths make you feel.