An Army of 24 (Or: "Dammit Chloe!")

I unapologetically love the Fox action show 24. Like many left-of-center people, I tend not to get worried one way or the other about the torture scenes – it's television, it's a plot device, etc. Lately, with the way the show is being turned into a snuff film, the absurdity of it (does Jack have to torture his own brother to save America?!?!?) seems more real than it informing reality.

Evidently not everyone feels this way.

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This week the New Yorker has an article about the show 24 and torture. The center of it is about a meeting between General Finnegan, the dean of the United States Military Academy at West Point, who "was accompanied by three of the most experienced military and F.

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B.I. interrogators in the country", and the producers and writers of the show.

What was the meeting about? The army wanted them to stop writing torture scenes in 24. Why? In exhibit A of what is going wrong in the War on Terror, the Army can't find recruits, especially for command and intel jobs, who don't believe 24 is completely accurate and legal – ie, the Military can't find cadets who don't want to go out and immediately start torturing suspects a la 24 (bold mine):

In fact, Finnegan and the others had come to voice their concern that the show's central political premise–that the letter of American law must be sacrificed for the country's security–was having a toxic effect. In their view, the show promoted unethical and illegal behavior and had adversely affected the training and performance of real American soldiers. "I'd like them to stop," Finnegan said of the show's producers. "They should do a show where torture backfires."…

At other moments, the discussion was more strained. Finnegan told the producers that "24," by suggesting that the U.S. government perpetrates myriad forms of torture, hurts the country's image internationally. Finnegan, who is a lawyer, has for a number of years taught a course on the laws of war to West Point seniors–cadets who would soon be commanders in the battlefields of Iraq and Afghanistan. He always tries, he said, to get his students to sort out not just what is legal but what is right. However, it had become increasingly hard to convince some cadets that America had to respect the rule of law and human rights, even when terrorists did not. One reason for the growing resistance, he suggested, was misperceptions spread by "24," which was exceptionally popular with his students. As he told me, "The kids see it, and say, 'If torture is wrong, what about "24"?' " He continued, "The disturbing thing is that although torture may cause Jack Bauer some angst, it is always the patriotic thing to do."

"The kids" is condescending rank-and-file military talk, so it is important to clarify that "the kids" are actually the Senior class of West Point – the best of the best, about to head off and fill the leadership and officer roles of our military for the next 50 years.

(I always think people on the pro-, and especially on the ambivalent-towards, torture side should take a quick walk through the chicago reader articles on police torture scandals. For every "ticking-time bomb" scenario you can imagine, the actual implication of your ambivalence is 100,000 "this guy probably doesn't know anything about this low-level felony, but let's make sure" or "he may not have done this crime, but he's guilty of something, let's get a confession" scenarios.)

Read about poor Kiefer, stuck between a great action show, a contract, and his conscience, trying to make "Don't Torture People Young Soldiers!" infomericals for young cadets. Watch an FBI expert who has participated in 12,000 interrogations try explaining how torture doesn't get you anywhere (ie morals aside, it doesn't get you anywhere as an interrogator) while the doughy middle-American staff of 24 goes "sure it doesn't, wink wink." It is good stuff.

The writers and producers are all Rush Limbaugh types (Rush hangs out at the studio). You already know the routine about how elites just don't understand real Americans, who want to feel safe and are willing to compromise. However, this caught me off guard:

["Path to 9/11" writer/producer] Nowrasteh said that he and [co-creator of 24] Surnow regard "24" as a kind of wish fulfillment for America. "Every American wishes we had someone out there quietly taking care of business," he said. "It's a deep, dark ugly world out there. Maybe this is what Ollie North was trying to do. It would be nice to have a secret government that can get the answers and take care of business–even kill people. Jack Bauer fulfills that fantasy.
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"

!?!?!? I'm pretty sure I've heard this one before. I love how quickly the "People are scared and need to be comforted" turns into "it's nice to have a secret government that can kill people secretly" (and to hear it from a LA writer/producer type no less!).

In case you are wondering if you can still like 24, this page of 24 sound clips should ease your conscience. The show is worthwhile if only to watch Kiefer do that thing where he repeats lines, just louder and angrier on the second time.

JURY SELECTION

So after reading this and getting my daily dose of loss-of-faith-in-humanity, I can't help but call up the stripper's lawyers and congratulate them on doing such a bang-up job of jury selection. One woman, eleven males over 50.
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Awesome!

In case you're wondering why "She was a slut, she wanted it" still works as a defense, well, I think this pretty much explains it.

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FLORIDA: WE HAVE NO VAGINAS

It's really amazing how quickly Florida managed to rocket to the top of the Everything Wrong With America list. The 2000 election, Terri Schiavo, Katherine Harris, and now the Hoohaa Monologues.
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It appears that an unnamed middle-aged Floridian complained that she found the marquee on the Atlantic Theater (in Atlantic Beach, FL) offensive. It was advertising its upcoming performance of "The Vagina Monologues."

This mental giant was quite taken aback by the use of such an incredibly offensive word. She protested to the theater owner that her young niece saw the marquee and asked what the word meant. Rather than, you know, answer the simple fucking question, she decided that the Florida way to handle things was to demand that the title be sanitized to her puritan tastes.

So now the Atlantic is advertising "The Hoohaa Monologues." Since I am not making this up, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I'm oh-so-glad that the theater owner didn't tell her to fuck off and instead appeased another "cultural conservative" in her effort to bring our society down to their 4th-grade intellectual level.
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Awesome.

ME NO SPEAKY ENGLISH!

To avoid stealing thunder from what may be the greatest post in the history of ginandtacos (see below, re: Mr.

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Haggard) I will save the bulk of my "Jesus Harold Tap-Dancing Christ on a crutch, do I ever hate Carlos Mencia" rant for another time. For now, simply enjoy this:

mencia.jpg

Maybe even 110%

You'll all be happy to note that after three weeks of intensive therapy, Ted Haggard is 100% not gay (image of email at Slate).

One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counselling for Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."…

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."…

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa.

Another oversight board member, Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

"This is a good place for Ted," Ware said. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now.
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It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get the wound healed.
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"

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

Thoughts:

1) I need to get me one of these Evangelical wives; if they are willing to follow a guy to Iowa after he spends a good part of their marriage binging on methamphetamines and gay hookers, they'll no doubt find my "weekends begin at 5pm Thursday" and general disorderliness downright charming.

2) I always wondered what goes on at these 'therapy' sessions. Wikipedia has a nice article about the matter, perhaps a bit too much of the (obvious) ethical problems about doing this to teenagers and not enough on the nuts-and-bolts.

(I wonder how much the entire thing is in complete bad faith, with Christian 'healers' working to keep a straight face while explaining to parents how they'll stop their kids from being gay before immediately laughing the $200/hr to the bank. "Ok kid, sit here for an hour; your parents won't kick you out of the house, and I get to buy a new car.

")

2.a) I knew of a friend of a friend who, after coming out to his family during college, started seeing a "Don't Be Gay" therapist arranged through his parents (he, for whatever reason, was trying to meet them halfway). He was also, concurrently, seeing a separate counselor who was helping him adjust to becoming a gay male. Before you start thinking how sad and counterproductive this situation is, think of these three words: "Zany Network Comedy.

" ("Sopranos" meets "Three's Company.") Anyone want to work on a pilot with me?

3) Man, did they run that guy's ass out of town. So much for healing and forgiveness. Hope you saved your money man. Good luck with your online degree.

MONEY WELL SPENT

I can't help but watch the multi-billion dollar industry that is Super Bowl advertising and think, "Wow, I hope someone got fired over this." Talk about a load of bullshit and undeserved hype.

Note to the advertising and marketing industry: talking animals are not funny.
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Mocking the way brown people talk is not funny. Dredging up aged celebrities is rarely funny (Robert Goulet was pretty hilarious, I admit). Commercials full of women in wet t-shirts or bikinis look horribly dated and tasteless in 2007.
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I got the impression that all of those commercials were pre-screened and rigorously field-tested in front of a council of 19 year-old fratboys. Their stern edicts ("Dear godaddy.com – your commercial needs more tits.") appear to have shaped the face of the industry for another year.

(ps – I'd refrain from making fun of Bears fans for getting their hopes up over a Rex Grossman-led team, but then you wouldn't learn anything. It's like watching a small child stick his hand on a hot stovetop.
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Now, what did you learn?
)

TWO EULOGIES

RIP Molly Ivins. Seriously, this sort of makes me want to cry a little.
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I hope I can be this forceful when I'm two weeks away from death.

On a lighter note, RIP Joe Biden's presidential ambitions. At least he didn't call him macaca.
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I'm not sure what goes through a Senator's mind shortly before he says something to the effect of (and I'm paraphrasing, here) "Thank god we finally found a black candidate who ain't all watermelon and fried chicken!
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" but I'm fairly certain that it reveals some deeply rooted problems with conceptions of race of which the failure of the brain-mouth filter is merely a symptom.

BURNING MY LUDDITE CARD

I am no longer the least technologically-advanced person in my age cohort: I got an mp3 player. It makes me feel an awfully lot like my dad to think that my only complaints thus far are that:

A. The buttons are too goddamn small for my Andre the Giant hands

B. I wish it was bigger to reduce my odds of losing it

Truly I am a 47 year-old man from Cicero in a younger man's body. And now for the shameless product plug: it's a Samsung T9. Holy crap does it rock. The screen is amazing, a lobotomy patient could figure out how to use the interface software, and the sound is home stereo-quality. I think I agree with CNet – why? Cause fuck Apple, that's why.

I WONDER IF DICK CHENEY OPPOSES THIS TOO

So they're banging the drum pretty loudly here in Indiana to have the day after the Super Bowl declared a holiday.
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The national media have picked up on the story as well and are calling for a federal holiday.

For the Super Bowl.

ESPN is currently running a front-page poll that has about 57% "yes" votes for creating a Super Bowl holiday, which means that among both the national media and the general public the idea of honoring the day after a football game with a federal holiday enjoys about as much support (if not more, depending on location) as Martin Luther King Day.

Oh well, we already know how the White House feels about designating more federal holidays. Unless…..no, I'm sure they don't have a problem with MLK. Their objections are certainly general in nature and apply to all holidays equally.
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YOU TOO CAN COCKBLOCK GIRLS GONE WILD

We here at ginandtacos.com are already on record with how we feel about Mr. Joe Francis and his golden egg: "Girls Gone Wild" videos. If you missed it or have forgotten, maybe you can refresh your memory about this gentleman via this LA Times story.

This upcoming weekend (I believe 1/26/07 was the planned date) the GGW caravan was scheduled to come to Bloomington for an evening of liquoring up freshmen, "paying" them in t-shirts, and making a million bucks off of it. As you can imagine, this did not sit particularly well with much of the campus (conversely, we imagine it sat VERY well with a portion of it).

Attentive activists (including but not limited to the one I'm marrying, the reasons for which will soon become clear) have gotten the GGW show canceled. How? Not by calmly explaining to the owner of the scheduled venue (Jake's Nightclub – the Bloomington Kam's) that inebriated people can't make sound judgment about signing waivers or that the whole affair is exploitative.

No, that wasn't it. Here's what works, and please take note of this for when GGW shows up on your campus. Tell the bar owner that you will acquire a copy of the Girls Gone Wild video made at his or her establishment, and you will attend the next city council meeting at which his liquor license is to be renewed and show said video to the council.

Basically, threaten him or her. Then watch how quickly they pull the plug. Viva the all-American cockblock!