top-down justifications

On the "Intro" to his first album – "Return to the 36 Chambers" – Ol' Dirty Bastard tells an audience about a girl he met for 10 minutes who ends up giving him gonorrhea. The story goes : "Yeah, I love the girl but I had to cut the bitch off / Yeah the bitch died / I killed the bitch / She suffered a long painful death / bitchy ass go bitch had to go.

"

Isn't everything in the presentation? Usually when people commit crimes or do other things they want to cover up their justifications and stipulations go from narrowest to broadest. Another way of repeating Ol' Dirty's story is picturing him telling the cops "Didn't know her anymore / I knew she had died / I killed her / funny, I actually tortured her / I did so with premeditation." Isn't that what we all have come to expect?


Ol' Dirty – also mindful of your civil liberties

God bless him, not so with George Bush's White House. I encourage everyone to flip through the 42-page white paper the Department of Justice released justifying his secret NSA wiretaps. The argument is in the first three pages. What I find amazing is that it goes from the broadest possible argument to the most specific, instead of the other way around. Here's the reasoning, straight from the memo, in the order it is presented (all quotes, my numbering):

1) The NSA activities are supported by the President’s well-recognized inherent constitutional authority as Commander in Chief and sole organ for the Nation in foreign affairs to conduct warrantless surveillance of enemy forces for intelligence purposes to detect and disrupt armed attacks on the United States.
2) Congress by statute has confirmed and supplemented the President’s recognized authority under Article II of the Constitution to conduct such warrantless surveillance to prevent further catastrophic attacks on the homeland.
3) The NSA activities are consistent with the preexisting statutory framework generally applicable to the interception of communications in the United States—the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (“FISA”)…

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FISA also contemplates that Congress may authorize such surveillance by a statute other than FISA.
4) the constitutionality of FISA, as applied to that situation, would be called into very serious doubt. In fact, if this difficult constitutional question had to be addressed, FISA would be unconstitutional as applied to this narrow context.
5) Finally, the NSA activities fully comply with the requirements of the Fourth Amendment.

That's the order. To read it backwards we get: 5 – We didn't break the law.

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4 – It's not even a real law. 3 – The law doesn't cover this.

2 – We were told we could break the law. 1 – It doesn't matter anyway, no law covers the President here. And that's the order you would expect, no? I'm loving that the initial assumption (as well as the loudest) is that the President can pick and choose laws to follow in these situations, and that the more diplomatic and reasonable assumption that the President was abiding by what he believed to be the *actual* law is thrown in at the end of the paper as an afterthought.

Do check it out. As Andrew Cohen wrote "The first time you read the 'White Paper,' you feel like it is describing a foreign country guided by an unfamiliar constitution." I felt like it was the legalese of a cowboy sheriff of an Old West town, someone who was not under the impression that the government is more than one man shooting bad guys in the town square with frontier justice.

If there's any political philosophy which is based on the ideas of narrow interpretation of the Constitution, and of using the branches of government to check each other, they may not want to back up this cowboy anymore.

REST IN PEACE, NICE GUY EDDIE

Chris Penn: dead. I know, I know. It's hard to believe given how healthy he's been looking lately.
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I love how in situations like these the media go out of their way to select a photo that makes it perfectly obvious that, despite no cause of death having yet been determined, this person clearly died of a drug overdose.

NOW IT MAKES SENSE. CONGRESS > BILL OF RIGHTS. GOT IT.

I'm a lot of things; one thing I am not is an expert on Constitutional law.
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That said, I know a thing or two. For instance, I know that the various branches of the federal government can't grant one another the power to violate parts of the Constitution. Most people considered this self-evident and relatively settled 200 years ago in a decision known as – try to stay with me here – "Marbury v. Madison," of which you may have heard.


Actual quote: "I'm mindful of your civil liberties, and so I had all kinds of lawyers review the process."

Although most people only faintly remember it (if at all) as "that case that led to the idea of judicial review," the issue at stake was, in essence, Congress giving the Judiciary one of its powers. According to the Judiciary Act of 1789 (I'm going somewhere with this, I swear) disputes over executive appointment of justices were to be resolved in the Supreme Court.

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Unfortunately, this thing called "Article I through III of the Constitution" clearly states that appointment is a purely executive power (subject to legislative consent). Hence, the Judiciary Act is unconstitutional and the Supreme Court struck it down. Amazing, I know.

Watching George W. Bush on his non-stop public relations campaign to not go down as the worst president in history (look out, Warren Harding!

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) I am little short of amazed at his "logic." Apparently (and please, Bush fans, correct me if I'm simply misunderstanding him) it's OK to commit espionage on U.S. citizens because he let Congress know he was doing it. Of course by "Congress" he means "Tom DeLay and Pat Roberts," but that's beside the point.

To recap, then, the argument holds that it is OK for the executive branch to unilaterally decide to disregard the 4th Amendment if Congress gives its implicit consent. Aside from the fact that all of Bush's speeches on the subject have been held in hostile battleground states like Kansas, Texas, and Mississippi, that rationale is officially the funniest thing I've heard all day.

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Because, really, if you're going to put forth an idea that half-assed you might as well stack the deck and do it to an audience of soldiers who just returned from Iraq (like he did today). Hey, if you're intent on governing by knee-jerk rather than the rule of law, you won't find a more reactionary audience than that.

Who wants to bet that Ed Caudill is a loser?

I am sure most of us have been there at some point in time. You were young, possibly too young to be drinking legally, and found yourself at a house party. It was a good time. There were two kegs of whatever Miller of Busch product was the cheapest.
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Perhaps even a jello shot or two was distributed to the masses.

All in all, it was firmly situated in middleground between "good time" and "why the hell am I here".
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At some point, the balance was shifted. Officers of the law show up. They inform you that your music is too loud, and that they don't feel that people under the age of 21 should be consuming alcoholic beverages. So, you slowly stumble home thinking to yourself. I can't wait until next weekend- or potentially tomorrow depending on the remaining quantity of beer/vodka/cheap gin/carlo rossi sangria/whatever is left.

However, it would seem that Lincoln, Nebraska does not want you to finish your remaining keg of Natural Light. They have proposed a new initiative (which sounds vaguely like an Animal Houseesque "double secret probation") where houses where parties were "busted" would be tagged with a red sign for 120 days. During this time the house is subject to much sticter "anti-partying" police attention.



Although this seemed like a somewhat odd, potentially slightly fascist bit of local legislation, my first reaction was:

"Yeah, well it is Nebraska. Honestly, did these college students expect much less?"

My surprise came when I read a bit further and realized that the move was proposed by a 21 year old kid named Ed Caudill who is fed up with the noise and litter in his neighborhood. I mean really? What kind of jackass is this guy?
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I am willing to bet he is an engineering student who secretly resents the fact that he is never invited to these parties- I don't know, its just a guess.

I even understood the (presumably older) woman who was concerned about what red tags would do to her property value and proposed (hopefully in jest) that the students themselves be made to wear the tags.
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But a 21 year old? He should be drunk and at these parties, not at city council meetings complaining about noise and litter.

Honestly, I don't know what variety but I can say with some certainty:

-Ed Caudill, you are a loser.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: A SAFER IRAQ

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Brig. Gen. Donald Alston, 12-29-05 – "The majority of Iraq is now safe.

"

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Unnamed Iraqi, 12/30/05 – "I respectfully disagree. Our disagreement may stem from differing perceptions of what constitutes 'safety' or, for that matter, a majority.

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"

05 in Review – Industry to Christian right: "Fuck you."

As we wrap up yet another year (and as I prepare to name the 2005 Ginandtacos.com Cocksucker of the Year) I want to recap my favorite news story of the last 12 months, one that received relatively little mainstream coverage.

The American Family Association (AFA) is a typical organized political smear campaign led by self-promoting men of the cloth and legions of sheltered suburban housewives. They specialize in boycotts. Check out their website. They have about a dozen boycotts going at any given moment. Kraft (for sponsoring the Gay Games), Old Navy (for advertising during "Desperate Housewives" – not because their clothes are made by pre-pubescent children. This is of no concern to the American Family Association), Hardee's (for having Paris Hilton as a spokeswoman), and more. One of the most recent boycott targets was Ford. Ford even earned its own website, boycottford.com (which, for reasons that will be clear in a minute, now simply redirects to the AFA site).

Ford committed the crime of promoting the "homosexual agenda." Its main offenses were advertising in gay publications and including material in their corporate policies about, you know, not discriminating against gay employees or potential customers.

Boycotts work. They really do. Back in 2004, when several TV stations were being required to run a slander film on John Kerry shortly before the election, I wrote every single one of the top 20 advertisers at my local affiliate stations and promised to start a boycott if they ran ads during the program. About 90% of them wrote back immediately and said they would not. In turn, the TV stations refused to run the movie. Yes, thanks to the internet, small bands of ideologues can create an anti-Corporation Y campaign out of thin air. And businesses are afraid of that prospect. Very afraid.

The AFA knows this, and it is quite used to saying "Jump!" and hearing "How high?" in response. Just ask Disney. The AFA's nine year Disney boycott ended only with a major shakeup in high level management and a withdrawl from Mirimax distribution (home of films such as Kids and Dogma). Let's face it, no major business wants to end up in the crosshairs of thousands of hysterical, none-too-bright Bible thumpers who have nothing better to do with their time. So the Ford announcement was expected to drop the company to its knees. In fact, the AFA was so cocksure that they released a statement of "victory," declaring that Ford was pulling all ads targeted at gay publications.

Better luck next time, AFA.

In fact, Ford decided (admittedly, after some waffling) that they would expand their advertising to include more of their brand names, more publications, and more explicit tailoring of their efforts to the gay community.

An isolated incident? Last summer Ginandtacos.com pal James Dobson announced that Focus on the Family would close its accounts with Wells Fargo bank (and institute a boycott) because:

* Since the 1980s, Wells Fargo has given more than $14 million to organizations serving the GLBT community nationwide.
* The company has donated to several local non-profits and national organizations like the Human Rights Campaign, National Center for Lesbian Rights, National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce.
* 2004 and 2005 HRC Corporate Equality Index: Perfect score of “100”
* 2003 Diversity Inc.com: #7 Top Companies for GLBT Employees
* 2000 GLAAD Fairness Award
* 2000 Advocate Magazine: Top 10 Workplaces for GLBT Employees

Heinous sins indeed. The company's response? "Wells Fargo firmly believes it is our responsibility to serve every segment of our community, and we view our support for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community as part of our broader commitment to diversity." Translation: Fuck you, James. Most of your followers hoard their Dairy Queen paychecks in penny jars under their mattresses anyway.

For the first time, 2005 saw corporate America having to choose between discriminatory bigots and those wacky homos – and choosing the latter. Maybe it's a cold business decision and gays simply outnumber right-wing peabrains today. Who knows. But hopefully it's a sign of things to come in the future. Nothing warms my heart more than large, powerful organizations telling James Dobson and his pals "Sorry, we don't negotiate with terrorists." Maybe Bush is right in that regard.

Humans 2, fascists 0. Ginandtacos.com looks forward to the day when it too is boycotted by Focus on the Anus, the AFA, or some equally reactionary, self-aggrandizing group of theologians.

Most questionable Christmas gift, 2005.

As the large suburban mall was closing last Thursday at 11pm (!), and I grew increasingly desperate to get all my obligatory gifting done that night, I went to the "smelly crap store." Here's an analogy – "Best Buy Gift Cards:Men::$20 spent at the Body Shop:Women." It's the best way to reinforce gender notions (men like blinking lights and circuits, women like candles and lotions that smell like the color magenta) for the least amount of energy, care, thought or concern.

I expected to get in and out of the store taking a minimal (though not-inconsequential) amount of offense. However inside I saw a display table of something that disturbed me enough to share with you all – Memoirs of a Geisha Beauty Collection.

I have not seen the movie or read the book, and it is the season, so I'll step softly here. But does anyone really want to adorn themselves with the scents/makeup of a child sold into sexual slavery entertainment, whose virginity is auctioned off to pay off debts, whose role functions to give hope and dreams for comfort women and any other host of "a lot of work had to be done at the hierarchical level to convince a culture this was an art form" issues etc. etc. You can watch the poor ad copy writer struggle, describing the perfume as "captur[ing] the mysterious sensuality of geisha by highlighting the warmth of the wearer's skin with a scent that is understated, exotic and completely sensual."

For the record though, if any (and I'm assuming there are a few) of our readers have mail-order brides, I think I just found your present for you. And for those of you with Real Dolls you wanted to take into the Geisha realm she (the doll that is) would appreciate it as well. And before you comment, no problem, you're welcome, and have a Merry Christmas Happy Holidays all of you from ginandtacos.com.

A SALUTE TO OBLIGATORY GIFTING

The ratio of "people I like for whom I buy Christmas gifts" to "people I do not like but for whom I am obligated to buy Christmas gifts" is dangerously close to 1:1. As I currently live slightly above the Federal definition of the poverty line, I end up getting nothing for the majority of my actual friends.

This could easily turn into a discussion of commercialization of holidays, the bizarre tendency of our society to equate shopping with affection, or any number of other social theories that might help explain this behavior. Instead I simply wish to salute the gifts that scream "I don't particularly care about you, but I am obligated to get you something." Standing head and shoulders above the other contenders in this field is the $25 Best Buy gift card.

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Card: $25. Passive-aggressively communicating ambivalence through gifting: priceless.

Honestly, is there any gift that more clearly says "I put absolutely no thought into getting you something" than a Best Buy gift card? Gift certificates in general are an extraordinarily lazy gift, but the Best Buy card goes above and beyond the norm – it's the most generic of gifts from the most generic retail outlet.

The Borders/BN gift cards are a close second, but they lose out based on the fact that the purchaser is at least acknowledging that the recipient likes fancy book learnin' and other non-battery powered pastimes. It's an informal rule. If you're in college you get a Borders card; if not, then welcome to Best Buy.

Any other worthy nominees? Feel free to list them in the comments. And feel equally free to use this link to buy a gift card for that not-so-special someone in your life.

Take that Barbie!

"Whilst for an adult the delight the child felt in breaking, mutilating and torturing their dolls is deeply disturbing, from the child's point of view they were simply being imaginative in disposing of an excessive commodity in the same way as one might crush cans for recycling."


The closest thing to a tortured barbie picture I could find in my (albeit exceptionally short) internet search.

Recent marketing research has found that young girls tend to mutilate and torture their Barbie dolls. This, I am assuming, is not exactly what Mattel had in mind.

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By what Mattel didn't have in mind, I of course mean:

"The meaning of 'Barbie' went beyond an expressed antipathy; actual physical violence and torture towards the doll was repeatedly reported, quite gleefully, across age, school and gender,"

really??

The researchers are quick to point out that this is not in fact anti-social behavior, but rather an innocent rite of passage into womanhood.
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I am not entirely certain that I would agree with this. However, since their sample group of 100 children seemed to indicate that this behavior is quite widespread I suppose we will just have to accept their conclusions.

Either that or just use it as another excuse to accuse the British of being fucked up.