TENNESSEE: COME FOR THE MUSIC, STAY FOR THE GARGANTUAN COCKFIGHTS

Tennessee is usually associated with Elvis, blues guitar, rolling mountains, and the last great hope of the Democratic party. But it has now put itself on the international cockfighting map. Take that Juarez, Mexico!

ps – Five new album reviews up on the Music page. I hate to be a spoiler, but it may shock you to learn that my review of the new White Stripes album is uncomplimentary.

THANK GOD HIS NOMINATION IS NO LONGER DELAYED

Oh, where to begin on the long-awaited nominations to the Federal Circuit Courts of Appeal that have been wasting the Senate's time for about 6 weeks. There's so much to say, and so little restraint available. After a protracted battle of chest-beating in which the President and Republican Congressional majorities made it perfectly clear that they were willing to shit on the Constitution and then set it on fire in order to win approval 9 psychos who base most of their legal opinions on the combined writings of Moses and Henry Clay Frick, the path for their nominations was cleared today.

To better put in focus exactly how many of your rights the Republican party is willing to disregard in its myopic quest for camera time with James Dobson (p.s. – God wants you to send more checks! Quick! Pretend I'm a legitimate clergyman and not a dime-store televangelist who can't keep his hands out of your pockets!) let's take a look at the record of Alabama Attorney General William Pryor, now better known as Federal Judge One-Step-Away-from-the-Supreme-Court William Pryor.

Why Pryor? Well, simply because he's more heinous, and he proves my point better.

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The other contested nominees may be corporate whores, and they're certainly all mindless Bible-thumping drones. But Pryor seems to actually be anti-humanity. I've never seen an elected official come out and make statements like "My job isn't to come here and help children" upon taking office, but Pryor did. He is part of the bizarre, soulless breed of conservative who takes his only joy from victories based in abstract principles while simultaneously and completely disregarding the tangible impact.
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It doesn't matter if unregulated water supplies could poison us – the important thing is rolling back federal authority (which, to get you up to speed, is the antichrist in any and every situation). See, states (remember, he's from Alabama) and the local Pigsknuckle County Board are the organizations that should hold all regulatory power. Yes, it's William Pryor's wet dream to return America to the days before that pesky 14th Amendment came along – the days when the amount of consumer, environmental, and civil liberty protection an individual received was entirely a function of his zip code.

Among his other hits:

  • In Board of Trustees of Alabama v. Garrett he successfully argued to prevent the federal government from requiring states as employers to adhere to the Americans with Disabilities Act. Of the ruling, which effectively eliminates individual recourse if a state/local government refuses to accomodate a disability, Pryor gloated in pride for "protecting the hard-earned dollars of Alabama taxpayers when Congress imposes illegal mandates on our state." Way to go, Billy! Show them cripples who's boss!
  • In Nevada v. Hibbs (2003) Pryor filed an amicus brief with the Supreme Court defending Nevada's argument that the Family and Medical Leave Act is an unconstitutional extention of federal power from which states should be immune. Are these the words of a judge or Skeletor? Is he fucking kidding? No, he isn't. Even the Rehnquist court didn't buy that argument. But soon enough, Billy Boy will be in a position to change that. Thanks, pro-lifers!
  • He fought hard in Reno v. Condon (2000) to overturn the Driver's Privacy Protection Act (which prevents personal info from being obtained by – well, basically anyone off the street – through drivers license records) using a state's rights argument. The court went 9-0 against him. Guess what, shithead – when Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia won't buy your conservative argument, you're a fucking lunatic. Oh, wait. Now you're a federal judge.
  • When the Violence Against Women Act was challenged in United States v. Morrison (2000), Pryor made Alabama the only state to write an amicus brief in favor of repealing the law (36 other states wrote briefs in support of it). He chastised supporters as being "so willing to sacrifice their liberty…
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    to the behemoth of federal power." Yes, truly is federalism more important than spousal abuse. Boy, I'd hate to be an abused woman in Alabama. But then again, all them bitches had it comin', right?

  • In an argument that would have gotten a lawyer disbarred and/or laughed off the planet in the non-Bush world, Pryor justified Alabama's failure to enforce the terms of a consent decree intended to protect foster children from being abused and molested by arguing that Alabama's former Governor, former Attorney General, and other state officials had conspired to defraud the state by entering into the consent decree (AL Supreme Court R.C. v. Nachma). Even the Alabama Supreme Court (several justices of which cannot read or write) didn't buy it. Hell, I don't think Thomas Cooley grads would buy it.
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    How on Earth is someone like this identified as someone who can serve the highest courts in the land effectively? God only knows. Wait. I know.

    Pryor explicitly opposes abortion in cases of rape and incest (which usually coincide in Alabama and are celebrated as legal marriage). He supports a law making the state the legal guardian of fetuses from the time of conception until birth – yup, he's really on the lookout against government power. And he told the Federalist Society (feel free to read up on those whackos to get a good laugh and calm down) on 10/16/97 that "At the heart of liberty is the right to define one’s own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe and of the mystery of human life.”

    Sounds like a pro-choice argument to me, but I believe he misspoke. What he meant to say was that he holds that right, and the rest of us should be appropriately supplicant.

    Congratulations on your victory, pro-life America! I hope it was worth it. Which it most assuredly won't be if you're female, disabled, concerned about your privacy, or a sexually-abused foster child.

  • LET THE FUCKING BEGIN

    Alternate title: Commence to Fuckin'.
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    To our loyal Bloomington readers – of which I suspect there are none – Tremendous Fucking is ready to tune up for its upcoming Global Domination Tour with a show this Thursday (June 2) at Second Story. Showtime is 10:00 PM and our high-decibel audio colonic will be the evening's final performance, so count on us hitting the stage circa midnight. I should note that bands with talent will also be on hand to entertain you, including perennial Bloomington favorites the Sump Pumps and Goodhands Team.

    The cost is four American dollars. Pay it, fuckers.

    Dear England: What the fuck is wrong with you?

    While we here at ginandtacos are still confused by the logic employed by three amateur film makers utilizing fluorescent lights and gasoline to make lightsabers, those of you in the United Kingdom aren't sitting on your laurels. It would seem that you have become insanely jealous of the special breed of stupidity that has until recently called the United States home.

    Not to be outdone by American drunken, ridiculous behavior, two men in London seem to have become stuck in the mud.

    Apparently, in the middle of some midday bender this British fellow decides that he desperately needs to walk to the edge of the Thames. Because, you know, they were going to frolic in the water… or something. Obviously my first reaction to this story was that these two men were clearly American tourists. However, this was apparently native British idiocy.

    Thats right, it is the kind of idiocy where after one drunken man decided to walk to the river and get stuck in the mud, his friend figured he was in possession of special "but I can walk ON TOP OF THE MUD" powers. Yes, he proceeded to go out after the first guy. One can't fully understand this reasoning, but one nearby houseboat resident described them as "definitely drunk" and proclaimed the situation to be "pretty funny". I am glad that at least on this point we are in agreement.

    Use the force young Skywalker- oh, and some gasoline and fluorescent lights.

    As citizens of the United States, the authors of Ginandtacos.
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    com have always prided themselves on living in the coutry that is one of the world leaders in bad ideas. Whether that be Prohibition or electing George Bush a second time, we have always been on the forefront.
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    While we in the United States sat idly by and only used gasoline for powering sport utility vehicles and disposing of the occasional incriminating document, a British trio has taken creative liscense with this flammable liquid and used it to create "lightsabers".

    I will be the first to admit that I am not the most avid follower of Star Wars movies, but I don't recall lightsabers looking like they were on fire. Despite this, I am fairly certain the logic went something like this:

    Although it seems sick and wrong to laugh at these two amateur "filmmakers" injuries, I am not sure if they have left us with much choice. I mean honestly, they filled a glass tube with gasoline and then exposed it to open flames. Perhaps in England this qualifies as lightsaber, but in the rest of the world it is called a bomb.
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    That said, I hope that authorities don't eventually release the footage of this "scene".
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    I really think that it is in my best interest not to see this happen.

    Movie Review: Star Wars III – Return of the Exhaustion

    Diehard Star Wars fans hate the new trilogy. It's important to realize why this has come to be.

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    It's not the normal revulsion that comes with the release of the next blockbluster hitting movie theaters – the hate is deeper than the normal cultural laments that go with a "Independence Day" or "I, Robot" debuting to 3,000 screens. It's also not the mild betrayal one feels when a childhood icon is cashed out a second time through – be it Your Favorite Alternative Band Going Back Out on Tour or Your Favorite Childhood Cartoon Characters on Ice. For us, Star Wars has been all about action figures and soundtracks that the cashing out part of it doesn't even register – and besides, didn't Lucas already cash out by re-releasing the first three with 'new footage', and didn't we line up to see it?

    Continue reading

    ELOTES DEFINED

    Alright, in an effort to avoid being that guy – the one who makes obscure references with the hope of puzzling readers – let's talk a little more about the Elotes Guy.

    There are two places in the world in which a person can walk down any street in summertime and be handed a hot ear of corn: Mexico and Chicago.
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    Elotes are simply roasted or boiled ears of sweet corn. The men who purvey them from rolling carts emblazoned with that word are called eloteros. Chicago loves its eloteros. They are one of the things that make us, well, not Detroit.
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    elotes.bmp

    The city frequently tries to regulate them to death or eliminate them, believing that street vendors carry a ghetto, third-world connotation. Balderdash. Eloteros are as harmful to the community as the ice cream man. Yes, I understand that a rolling wooden cart piloted by a struggling immigrant is likely to experience some lapses in city food hygiene codes.
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    But it's corn, water, salt, and butter for god's sake. There's not much that can go wrong there.

    Fr. Chuck Dahm of St. Pius in Logan Square (but you knew that was coming) has led the fight to save the eloteros from excessive regulation. The Chicago Reader has called the debate over their survival The Elotes War. We like things that are phrased in terms of military metaphors.

    Lest they miss a chance to chug the Latino community's wang in exchange for political support, the Daley fellows appear willing to let the Elotes carts be. But we must remain vigilant soldiers – Minutemen ready to serve in the War should it become necessary.

    Viva Elote!