Back when George Bush pardoned Scooter Libby, I had the misfortune of attracting a loon – first as a commenter and then as an emailer. This person's ax to grind was her (extraordinarily novel) interpretation of Article II, Section 2, Clause 1 of the Constitution:

and he shall have power to Grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offenses against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment.

She insisted that this meant that Libby could not be pardoned…because George W. Bush might potentially be impeached and Libby could potentially maybe be called to possibly testify in such a hypothetical impeachement. I began by politely explaining how goddamn retarded that is and that I have consistently heard better arguments from Rush Limbaugh callers. A dozen insane emails later, she finally dropped it…but not until she added me to the mailing list of her horrendous website! Seriously, have you ever seen a more poorly laid-out website? Autistic, farsighted apes could do better. Anyway, thus began my 3-year quest to stop getting emails from this deranged person who I can only assume lives in a haunted mansion with 27 cats.

Three years of spam later, it finally bore fruit; hilarious, amazing comedy fruit. An Open Letter to Hillary Clinton. I like Open Letters! I've written several on this site. So I figured, OK, I'll actually open this email! Maybe I can find some common ground with this Bea Arthur-after-multiple-concussions.

Senator Clinton,

First, thank you. Your steadfastness, your courage, your grace have been an inspiration to me, even though I was not originally a supporter of yours.

OK, I wouldn't exactly call April and May "graceful" on HRC's part, but I'm glad a candidate inspired you. What a positive beginning. I predict that the letter will go uphill from here.
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I have an idea that I want to share with you about what you can do going forward that could possibly end up give you more power to effect the kind of change you want to make in this country than you could ever have in elected office, perhaps even the office of president.

Still OK so far. This sounds constructive! And very appropriate given that she has effectively buried her own political career. She needs a new direction. I'm looking forward to this.

First of all, please don’t drop out of the race.

Oh, fuck. I just pooped a little.

Anything can happen between now and August

Ask RFK! Wink Wink Wink!!!

including the chance that the Republicans might jump the gun on their oppo research, and Obama’s negative ratings rise so high that even the Kool-Aid drinkers among the superdelegates would have to pay attention.

Yeah! That's definitely what the DNC/Delegates should do…look at some mid-July opinion polling (suspend disbelief for a moment and pretend Obama polls poorly) and then switch candidates!!! Holy shitballs, Carolyn Kay. You are a genius! I can't believe you are not a highly-paid political strategist. Your party needs you and your Cat-Powered Idea Machine. What could work better than switching candidates in mid-campaign!???!!!!11!!???

Leave the option open to challenge the DNC’s unfair and possibly illegal handling of the delegates from Michigan and Florida.

Oh FUCK YEAH, you gotta leave open the possibility of letting the lawsuits fly!! Especially to challenge something "possibly illegal," like when Libby was pardoned!
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I cannot think of anything that would make HRC more popular than to start filing lawsuits and attempt to win the nomination in court.

Second, even if it’s offered, don’t accept a vice presidency.

We indirectly totally agree about this! Don't worry, no one in the Obama camp wants anything to do with that race-baiting nutbar and she won't be on the ticket unless the superdelegates force it. But you really give great career advice, too! I mean, what kind of idiot would take a job a heartbeat away from the presidency?? You should work for Monster.com writing a column called How to Spot and Subsequently Shit On Great Opportunities.

I don’t think it will be offered

Amen, tard-o!

because there seems to be some inexplicible but visceral hatred of you and President Clinton in the Obama camp.

Inexplicible? Visceral, yes. But do you really not understand it? You were sentient and awake during March, April, and May yet you don't understand the hatred? I have a mentally retarded friend who needs to have episodes of Full House explained to him. He just called me and said "I totally understand why Obama and his supporters hate Clinton" before eating another sporkful of modeling clay.

But even if it is offered, it would be used as a way to marginalize you. I don’t what that to happen.

No better way to bury someone away from the public eye like making him or her the Vice Goddamn President of The United States of America. Marginalization City, population: THE FUCKING VICE PRESIDENT.

Third, you are in a position to harness the voting, lobbying, and donation power of 17 million people to force more real change than I see coming from the so-called change candidate.

Most of those 17 million people are smarter than you, and they will get over their little hissy fits in a couple of days. They'll ask themselves a question, namely "Do I like Obama better than McCain?" They'll say yes and they'll vote for the guy you think they hate. See, only the true believers are willing to go to the end in the Fuhrerbunker (metaphor!) Everyone else flees the advancing Soviet army (metaphor!) when the cause is clearly lost. Only a couple of people are willing to enter the bunker and stick around for the bitter, gun-in-mouth end. Hitler, Eva Braun (metaphor!) and Goebbels (Lanny Davis. Also, Metaphor!) are going to fight to the death. Everyone else says "Yeah, fuck this. Let's go find some Americans and surrender. I'm not eating a bullet for this asshole." Those 17 million people aren't "true believers" like you think. That's just you, Lanny Davis, and Hillary. Christ, even Bill's going to abandon ship. Fucking CARVILLE abandoned ship. Carville. James Carville. Why? Because he's not an idiot and he doesn't feel like becoming persona non grata in his party. His own career is (shockingly) more important to him than going down in flames with Crazypantsuits.

Many of us are very angry at how you’ve been treated, and you could use that anger to build a grassroots organization

No, because everyone except you is going to GET OVER IT in a couple of days. Lanny Davis won't. If he doesn't eat cyanide, this grassroots organization is going to be you and Lanny Davis sitting around a rickety old card table bitching and moaning about the conspiracies to take down Hillary.

that could rival MoveOn.org in size and influence.

Right, like MoveOn but without the popular issue positions! Also, without the 17 million people who are all going to get over it and start supporting Obama! Also, without the influence because Hillary's going to turn herself into a pariah!

We could remain within the Democratic Party,

That's big of you. No Lieberman-esque independent campaign?

but a force to be reckoned with, to push a legislative agenda that is more in keeping with what is needed to make Americans’ lives better.

Like that gas tax holiday! And…..those other issues HRC talked about? Help me out here. All I remember is the race-baiting.

I would be very proud to help you build such an organization.

And how could it fail with a mind like yours? I can think of a few more productive ways to spend Democrats' time and resources. Like loading 100,000 Democrats and $100 million onto an oil tanker and ramming it into a jagged rock at full speed in icy waters.

Carolyn Kay

Thanks for playing. Also, TAKE ME OFF YOUR FUCKING EMAIL LIST.



Hillary Clinton has spent the last two months waxing noble about "letting the democratic process play out", i.
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e. leaving the nomination unresolved until every state has held its primary or caucus. Here is just one example of that refrain. How laudable.

Our democratic process is important. It's always a good thing when candidates and elected officials remember that. Hillary does. Perhaps that is why she had one of her staffers offer the Young Democrats of America $1,000,000 for the support of the group's two unpledged superdelegates. Believe it or not, this is legal.** It's just, you know, completely fucked up.

The strangest part about this is that Hillary is technically correct; she is letting the democratic system play out – our democratic system. The system is so thoroughly dominated by money that paying for votes, directly or indirectly, is simply par for the course today. This is the way the system works. American Politics v.2008 makes Gilded Era corruption and influence-peddling look positively quaint in comparison.

**I never fail to note (to my students' disbelief) that there's absolutely no legal reason a delegate or elector in the Electoral College cannot be bribed. George Soros, for example, could have contacted a bunch of Bush electors in 2004 and offered them million apiece to flip.
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In the ~20 states that don't have pledged/committed elector laws, that would be entirely legal. Primaries (or nominations more broadly) are even worse; they're run according to party (DNC/RNC) rules, most of which have no legal standing.