Music endorser Keith Richards says:

"For decades, medical science has been trying to figure out why I'm still alive. I mean, honestly, I do enough smack and Demerol to kill a medium-sized elephant. One time Charlie Watts and I missed a flight out of Thailand in 1974 and we smoked so much opium that I thought I was the Virgin Mary! Then, after we freebased cocaine off of a wok, I came up with the rhythm guitar line for Brown Sugar! Let's not let the doctors (or the authorities) in on my little secrets for cheating death: a portable defibrillator……and the music page! These yankee chaps have some pretty rippin' taste in music, eh? Now read on and rock out with your cock out, man!"

(Mr. Richards was compensated for his endorsement with a prostitute, a bottle of Thunderbird Fortified Wine, a custom-fit coffin, and a prescription for canine birth control pills. He used them all, not necessarily in that order)

It's very difficult for most media to offer concrete opinions about new albums, or music in general, given that tastes are so highly subjective. No matter how god-awful an album is or isn't, it's bound to be somebody's cup of tea. Worse yet, in the era of media consolidation, the albums are usually put out by the same entities that publish the magazine (skim through some reviews of Warner Bros. albums in Time, Entertainment Weekly, or any of their 500 other publications if you want a good hearty gut-laugh). Or the magazines are so pitifully dependent on the economic morphine of their advertisers that every album gets at least a B+ rating (have Spin or Rolling Stone ever given an album an F? Or even a C?).

We here at don't have this problem. Since we happen to have good taste, we don't have a problem letting you know when yours sucks. In some cases, a lot. Take, for example, a Clay Aiken album or the latest "edgy" "rock" "masterpiece" from the Rapture. If you like that kind of music, you are an idiot. And we can just come right out and say it since your opinions don't matter.

So just in case you actually want to know anything about an album rather than just reading 1000 reviews saying "Hey this is great!", has arduously ear-tested and reviewed a number of albums for your edification. In a band and want your album critically eviscerated? Email for submission guidelines.

New Reviews – 8/1/05:
Saababanks – Relative Theory
Sugar Eater – Breadcrumbs for the Birds
White Trash Ambition – What do you want to be when you grow up?

New Reviews – 6/12/05:
Nine Inch Nails – With Teeth
Queens of the Stone Age – Lullabies to Paralyze
Senator – United Wire
Weezer – Make Believe
White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan

The Bled – Pass the Flask

Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand

Genius – Liquid Swords

Giddy Motors- Make it Pop

Helmet- Unsung, The Best of Helmet

Local H – The No Fun E.P.

Local H – Whatever Happened to P.J. Soles

Marilyn Manson – Golden Age of Grotesque

McLusky – Undress for Success

Murder by Death- Who Will Survive and What Will be Left of Them

OutKast- Speakerboxxx- The Love Below

Probot- Selft Titled

Rage Against the Machine – Live at the Grand Olympic Auditorium

Rollo Tomasi – He Who Holds You

Sullen – Paint the Moon

Television – Marquee Moon (reissue)

The Five Deadly Venoms – Shapeshift

Vortis – God Won't Bless America

8 thoughts on “Music”

  • I haven't heard any of this music, sadly, but I must say that Ed certainly has the pithy one-liner music reviewer pattern down very well. I found myself reading reviews of music I knew I wouldn't recognize simply to see what associations he'd make next. Nice.

  • I feel the need to respond to Mr Erik 'slavering anglophile' Martin's unprecedented assault on the musical output of my nation.

    He's not usually doing this sort of thing, but to invoke Travis… that is cheap. He's spent enough time in the UK to know that no-one here likes them either. I would piss on them in the street if I saw them.

    May I just say, stretching it a bit here, The Eagles. The goddamn Eagles. Don't judge our whole nation on the basis of your press and their inability to tell good from bad. Lester Bangs is turning in his grave.

    For shame.

    And you can stop sending your shitty sitcoms anyway.

  • I was going to follow up with some good music that we've produced. I can't actually think of much. My whole record collection is American.

    Damn you and your self-righteous quest for truth.

  • Myconfidence says:

    I have to agree with you about the newest Weezer album. I only listened to it twice, but halfway through the first time I was already readying for the give it another listen sentiment, and after the second time it told me that it would have no part further time-wastage. Oh well, there'll always be "The Good Life."

    I haven't heard the new White Stripes, but I liked the Orchid tune. I'm a fan, but they should get a drummer version of Dick Cheney for her ass. While her drumming is a liability, her singing, which is like two half-dead ferrets fucking inside an old boot that I am gradually squishing out of sheer mercy, ought to be disappeared to Uzbekistan indefinitely.
    I dig his guitar playing, though; moreover, how many white blues players aren't somewhat phony, given that blues is fundamentally not the white man's groove? I've seen plenty of bluesman of all stripes, white and otherwise, and Jack White is as good or better than plenty black guitarist's licks. Before anyone gets uncomfortable, who can picture a black dude yodeling? How many black banjo wizards are there? How many bands don't in some degree emulate their heroes? Is Dave Grohl a phony because he waxes Cobainish sometimes? I won tickets to see the Stripes play Aragon on New Year's with the Flaming Lips a couple years ago, and had I overheard someone behind me say that the loving abuse White was laying on that guitar sounded phony, I believe I would have turned around and asked them to clarify for the record whether they were deaf or stupid. Finally, he has more range than just blues or straight-on rock'n'roll. You obviously have issues, so I doubt that that matters to you, but then again it is always possible that the album sucks anyway. I will find out soon enough.

    QotSA: Bingo. Not on par with what I expected.
    NIN: Not the world's biggest fan, but what I've heard of the latest jibes with your review.
    Senator: I haven't heard them, but I certainly intend to now. Thanks.

  • Diego Ferreira says:

    eaw carai aki e foda enh, sou do braza (Brasil)
    muito loko Ol' Dirty Bastard….4Ever!!!!!!!
    Broklyn zoo

  • Outkast's earlier…Stankonia/Aquemini?? Try again.

    Granted Speakerbox/Love Below leaves a lot to be desired, but there's life before Aquemini.

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