Erik's Epics: Fall 2004, The Trip To Maker's Mark

epicLong narrative poem employing elevated language and telling of the deeds of a legendary or historical hero. Epics often involve complex sequences of adventures as well as an underlying philosophical understanding of human actions, choices, fate, and the course of events.

Every so often, mankind is forced to deal with a set of circumstances so large, so important, so laden with digital pictures that he has no choice but to create a special blog page to contain it all. The word for this is epic, and these things happen to our own Erik Martin every four months or so. As such, he is forced to try and describe these events as only he can, in a new quarterly feature called "Erik's Epics."

Before, in the Spring/Summer of 2004, Erik's Epic was the Competetive Mustache Growth. In case you haven't, go back and read the trials and struggles of men growing facial hair with a level of determination that could only be described as heroic.

Now, Fall 2004, brings you a new level of epicness that will test all the members of the ginandtacos.com staff:

The Trip to Maker's Mark

Enjoy!

Air America Radio

The new answer to conversative radio, Air America Radio, launches today at noon. Chicago listeners can pick it up at 950AM. It starts with Al Franken's midday show "The O' Franken Factor". New York Times:

Though people at the network can't quite believe he means it, Franken has decided to call his show "The O'Franken Factor" — "just to drive O'Reilly nuts; I'm hoping he sues me again."

Al is also supposed to put things in his "zero-spin zone." People who aren't near it's 5 initial markets or are and don't have a readio should be able to stream the broadcast online. (addition: i've been having problems with streaming from their webpage, so here's a list of links to pages that steam their content. Chuck D has a morning show, and Janeane Garofalo has an evening show. I'm really optimistic and worried about how this will go.

What Does Erik Hate?


Erik's Fall 2004 Adventure: The Trip to Maker's Mark.

**Coming soon! Erik Martin competing in his second Mike and Molly's sponsored "Mustasche Competition"**

Here it is folks, for better or worse, the mustache diaries

Introduction to hatred

I would like to think that generally speaking I am a fairly kind and generous person. However, I have been informed by quite a few people that this is just not the case. So, I have a forum devoted to things that I hate. Hopefully this will be a growing area filled with fun and excitement based around things that I currently hate, and more general themes of hatred. Since there are already forums for movies, music, and philosophy, I will have to limit my hatred to more specifics.

History of Hatred

When people consider the concept of hate, it is typically associated with its negative implications. The Oxford English Dictionary defines hate as follows

  • HATE
    1. An emotion of extreme dislike or aversion; detestation, abhorrence, hatred.

The speculated root of the word residing in Gaelic, and one of its original uses found in the text of the exceptionally dull for a book about defeating a giant monster, book Beowulf in the year c825.

Speaking of which, one of the things that I hate is the movie beowulf with Christophe Lambert. I do have to admit that it took a large amount of skill to reduce perhaps one of the longest and dullest "epic poems" into an hour and a half action movie. However, the true intrigue is the quasi post-apocolyptic Sci-Fi "edge" they added. Way to go!

…This is of course to say nothing of the fact that they cast a man that, although American, spent most of his acting career in Switzerland and France in a story allegedly taking place in Ireland….I suppose the fact that he wields all sorts of bizzare unpractically large weaponry is supposed to make up for all of this.

If you enjoyed this movie you should be castrated.

Random moments of disdain such as that are the basics of what should be expected from any decent "what someone hates" website.

However, returning to the subject of hatred, most people view it as a negative thing. Such inclined individuals are likely make statements such as:

  • "I couldn't hate anything."
  • "Hate is such a strong word."
  • "Make love not war."

    and most profoundly

  • "Why you be hating on that"
    or possibly

  • "Don't want no hateration"

Hatred is often a viable emotion in our hectic society. For example, when I see Bill O'Reilly on television I experience a remarkably profound hatred. There is no use in my denying that I feel that way. He truely personifies a character trait I will refer to as "Rambunctious Idiocy". More specifically, he is an "Assclown." *Although nobody I talk to can agree to what exactly an assclown is, basic consensus would indicate that Mr. O'Reilly is one.

According to Buddhist philosophy, hatred can never lead to happiness, but rather promote further hatred. This would be bad I suppose. However, I am not now, nor do I ever indend to be a buddhist. In fairness, I would never endorse blanket hatred of any group or concept (some obvious expections of course, hippies and nu metal fans come immediately to mind) What I beleive in is giving in to your natural judgemental self and moving on with life.

That said…..

Seriously though, hatred is part of life. It is really in your best interest to embrace it. There is no point in sitting at a bar or coffee shop having some kind of meaningless conversation with some complete bastard that has absolutely nothing of interest to say. For god's sake, just hate these people. When you are sitting at the bar and some large group comes in and stares at the beer list for ten minutes before ordering one Guiness and one Miller Genuine Draft, hate these people too. When someone in class with you seems to only ask questions prefaced with the phrase "will that be on the exam". Hate that person. When someone in a single hour long conversation invokes both Foucault and Neitzche without realizing their philosophies often contridict one another….yes, hate this person.

Legal Disclaimer

Law is too important to be left to lawyers. Or so goes our theory, or so justifies why no real attorney was involved with the following statement. Well, Ed's a notary public, and he agrees to be paid in gin just like F. Lee Bailey, so we figured that was almost like having a lawyer. So here goes.

This site and its original contents are owned in their entirety by ginandtacos.com. Absolutely no part of this site may be altered or reproduced without consent of the owners. All non-original material has passed public domain.

Ginandtacos.com is for entertainment and informational purposes only. Ginandtacos.com accepts no responsibility for the actions of its readers pursuant to any information presented here. Ginandtacos.com does not recommend, encourage, or condone alcohol consumptions by persons under 21 or for whom it is otherwise illegal to consume alcohol. Kids, please remember that alcohol is only for adults and college kids with really good fake IDs. Ginandtacos.com and its owners accept no responsibility for the contents of the sites hyperlinked off of it.

The hosting service that provides this page, American Webhosting, is not responsible for the content of this page. They think it's funny, but their fancy-suit-wearin' lawyers told them to pretend like they don't, sort of like how your dad would scold you for getting in trouble at school but was secretly proud of you for being a little bastard.

In case you're brain-dead, retarded, or were born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, none of the "endorsers" actually endorse Ginandtacos.com in any manner. Their likenesses have been used without permission and the comments attributed to them are wholly fictional creations of the authors. If you're actually dumb enough to think that Sean Hannity endorsed this page, you probably also thought The Blair Witch Project and the 2000 Presidential Elections were real, in which case Ginandtacos.com heartily recommends sterilization or suicide.

Any concerns regarding this site can be addressed to gin@ginandtacos.com. But it should be noted that if you complain about content, we will likely just set up an entire page and line of merchandise devoted to making fun of you.

Legal notices:
-This site contains no lead pursuant to Yummy Play-time Paint v. Ginandtacos.com (94L15632).

-This site no longer emits a piercing, high-decibel whistle in the homes of its enemies when viewed pursuant to Alec Baldwin, William Baldwin, et al v. Ginandtacos.com (pending).

-The radiation eminating from this site directly into your corneas has been modified to an EPA-approved level of 6 roentgen/second pursuant to United Federation for the Blind and Billy Thompson v. Ginandtacos.com (99M1-154362).

-Clicking your mouse arrow over the "Ginandtacos.com" banner above no longer results in a debilitating, high-velocity blast to the groin pursuant to the out of court settlement in Mid-American Prosthetic Cock-and-Balls v. Ginandtacos.com.

– This site is volatile and not to be used internally, pursuant to Lady Rocket Crotch Sex Toys v. Ginandtacos.com (99M1-112536).

-Lastly, we did your mom in the ass last night pursuant to the settlement in Your Mom v. Ginandtacos.com

Gin Reviews

As a public service, we here at Ginandtacos.com have undertaken the arduous, self-sacrificing process of taste-testing nearly every gin on the American market. This list evaluates just about every gin you will ever encounter, except bathtub brews or the ones our broke asses could never hope to afford. In those cases, just assume that the shit is really good; at $50 a bottle, it better be. All estimated prices are based on fifths and vary wildly depending on location. We suggest liquor stores with bullet holes in the windows and a refrigerated Sisqo display. Those are usually pretty cheap. All reviews have an image of a person most likely to be found drinking said gin.

Aristocrat Gin

Bombay Gin

Bombay Sapphire

Citadelle Gin

Cossacks Gin

Extreme Playaz Bumpy Gin

Gilbey's Gin

Gordon's Gin

Hannah and Hogg Gin

Hendricks Gin

Mccormick's Gin

Phillips Gin

Seagrams Gin

Sir Robert Burnett's Gin

Tanqueray Gin

Authors

Name: Ed
Occupation: eBay Pirate
Location: Indiana
Contributions: Writer, editor, proofreader, Thomas Cooley Law Graduate Attorney
Main Areas: Music, alcohol-related content, legal hoo-hah, miscellaneous ranting
Super Powers: The Loop to O'Hare in 40 minutes. During rush hour, bitch.
Favorite Gin: Hendricks
Favorite Taco: El Famous Burrito steak taco
Prized Posession: vintage Fender Blender, Harmonic Percolator
If we were the 1985 Chicago Bears, he'd be: Mama's boy Otis, one of a kind.
While Intoxicated, He Once: Peed around Erik's head as Erik was vomiting in Mike's toilet.
Franz Kafka tattoos: 1.
Quotes:
"Look, the key to burning your car for insurance money is to leave a lot of copies of La Raza on the floor so the cops can assume Latino gang-bangers did it, and pee in the backseat so it smells like a homeless guy lived in it."
"See, what happened was……"
"Watching the draft on ESPN as opposed to attending it is the equivalent of experiencing a safari on the Discovery Channel"

Philosophy

Noted philosopher and Ginandtacos.com endorser Bertrand Russell says:

"I'm not so sure I approve of this. I can't condone this kind of drunken debauchery. And what the hell is a taco? I've read Being and Nothingness, Critique of Pure Reason, and If Upon a Winter's Night a Traveler hundreds of times, and the word 'taco' is nowhere to be found. This website has none of the incisive wit of www.ennui.com or The Michel Foucalt Internet Archives. Ginandtacos.com is everything that is wrong with America. This is exactly why we philosophers prefer France. Cower under my condescending, Frenchy gaze of disapproval, Ginandtacos.com!"

(Mr. Russell was compensated for his endorsement with a copy of Mclusky's Mclusky Does Dallas album and a Jeffrey Brown comic, which he stared at quizzically while sipping cognac)

There will be more to come here at a later date. In the meantime, here are two of ginandtacos.com most requested items from years ago.

On Children, By Children – by mike.

On America, Where it's Easier to get a Car than an Education – by Ed.

Music

Ginandtacos.com endorser Keith Richards says:

"For decades, medical science has been trying to figure out why I'm still alive. I mean, honestly, I do enough smack and Demerol to kill a medium-sized elephant. One time Charlie Watts and I missed a flight out of Thailand in 1974 and we smoked so much opium that I thought I was the Virgin Mary! Then, after we freebased cocaine off of a wok, I came up with the rhythm guitar line for Brown Sugar! Let's not let the doctors (or the authorities) in on my little secrets for cheating death: a portable defibrillator……and the Ginandtacos.com music page! These yankee chaps have some pretty rippin' taste in music, eh? Now read on and rock out with your cock out, man!"

(Mr. Richards was compensated for his endorsement with a prostitute, a bottle of Thunderbird Fortified Wine, a custom-fit coffin, and a prescription for canine birth control pills. He used them all, not necessarily in that order)

It's very difficult for most media to offer concrete opinions about new albums, or music in general, given that tastes are so highly subjective. No matter how god-awful an album is or isn't, it's bound to be somebody's cup of tea. Worse yet, in the era of media consolidation, the albums are usually put out by the same entities that publish the magazine (skim through some reviews of Warner Bros. albums in Time, Entertainment Weekly, or any of their 500 other publications if you want a good hearty gut-laugh). Or the magazines are so pitifully dependent on the economic morphine of their advertisers that every album gets at least a B+ rating (have Spin or Rolling Stone ever given an album an F? Or even a C?).

We here at ginandtacos.com don't have this problem. Since we happen to have good taste, we don't have a problem letting you know when yours sucks. In some cases, a lot. Take, for example, a Clay Aiken album or the latest "edgy" "rock" "masterpiece" from the Rapture. If you like that kind of music, you are an idiot. And we can just come right out and say it since your opinions don't matter.

So just in case you actually want to know anything about an album rather than just reading 1000 reviews saying "Hey this is great!", ginandtacos.com has arduously ear-tested and reviewed a number of albums for your edification. In a band and want your album critically eviscerated? Email ginandtacos.com for submission guidelines.

New Reviews – 8/1/05:
Saababanks – Relative Theory
Sugar Eater – Breadcrumbs for the Birds
White Trash Ambition – What do you want to be when you grow up?

New Reviews – 6/12/05:
Nine Inch Nails – With Teeth
Queens of the Stone Age – Lullabies to Paralyze
Senator – United Wire
Weezer – Make Believe
White Stripes – Get Behind Me Satan

Archives:
The Bled – Pass the Flask

Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand

Genius – Liquid Swords

Giddy Motors- Make it Pop

Helmet- Unsung, The Best of Helmet

Local H – The No Fun E.P.

Local H – Whatever Happened to P.J. Soles

Marilyn Manson – Golden Age of Grotesque

McLusky – Undress for Success

Murder by Death- Who Will Survive and What Will be Left of Them

OutKast- Speakerboxxx- The Love Below

Probot- Selft Titled

Rage Against the Machine – Live at the Grand Olympic Auditorium

Rollo Tomasi – He Who Holds You

Sullen – Paint the Moon

Television – Marquee Moon (reissue)

The Five Deadly Venoms – Shapeshift

Vortis – God Won't Bless America