WE'RE ALL SUBMISSIVES IN THE CULTURAL SCAT PORN.

Browsing the DVD selection at my local bookstore, I was overcome by the powerful feeling that I was one of those bottom-rung porn actresses who can't get decent roles and therefore must appear in movies in which hirsute men shit on them. Having already released every conceivable old movie and television franchise of any interest whatsoever, the major studios have shifted into Emergency Product Release mode.

In a secret chamber deep within Cheyenne Mountain, the heads of the seven major studios assemble, turn a key, and hit a button called "NETWORK TELEVISION DETRIUS", flooding the market with DVD releases that you wouldn't watch on a bet.

Then they chuckle heartily and shout, in the words of Ol' Dirty Bastard, "America, you've been shitted on."

Look at the old TV shows that are now being released in full series collections on DVD. I understand classic hit shows (M*A*S*H, Cheers, Dallas), foreign shows, or shows with huge cult followings (Star Trek, Twin Peaks, etc)…….but Son of the Beach? Punky Brewster? I mean who in the name of god is seriously going to sit down and watch a dozen episodes of Punky Brewster? First of all, it didn't even seem like a good show when we were kids, and I can't imagine it aged well. Secondly, Soleil Moon Frye would probably come to your house and give you a handjob for the $29.99 the DVDs cost, provided that her methadone clinic gives her a big enough supply to make the trip.

The recent releases range from the sad (The Best of Primetime Glick) to the anachronistic (All in the Family) to the socially backward (Good Times) to the unfathomably inconsequential (Just Shoot Me).

If you're reading this and thinking "Ed, I like some of those shows", I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you're a fucking retard. The good news is that you'll die soon, since retards usually don't last to 30.

Nothing is quite so sad about the state of American society as our propensity to not simply take in horrible entertainment but to wait ten years and claim that it has suddenly become high-quality art. Television shows, which are the quickest-reacting form of entertainment media with respect to fads and social mores, almost by definition look more dated and depressing as you move farther away from them. If this still doesn't seem like a bad idea to you yet, just wait 15 years, pop in the Friends DVDs, and see how good they look.

Be Sociable, Share!

5 Responses to “WE'RE ALL SUBMISSIVES IN THE CULTURAL SCAT PORN.”

  1. Dave Says:

    And yet you can't get the original animated version of the Tick on DVD… for shame….

  2. Jake Says:

    And yet we can't get the Carol Burnett Show on DVD either. Sheesh! No wonder the Republicans are in office.

  3. mike Says:

    I'm surprised there isn't a better rental market for this stuff yet. Because I'd like to have some friends over, get a little tipsy, and watch 3 or 4 specific episodes of Saved by the Bell ("Friends Forever! / Till the End of Time!") – which are available on DVD.

    But I'd never want to own such a thing. And I don't think I'd ever re-watch it.

  4. Ed Says:

    We could do that for Primetime Glick, but copious projectile vomiting would ensue.

  5. Snake Eyes Says:

    I hate to admit it but I was an unfortunate soul who decided watching this show would be a good idea at the time. I think I was drunk or possibly hit on the head and suffering from a concusion. Either way I quickly came to regret it. I still hide under the kitchen table waiting for the bad man to stop from it. Great blog by the way.