THE FUNNIEST PRIME TIME PROGRAMMING SINCE "SEINFELD"

It's finally upon us: the comedy spectacle otherwise known as the 2004 Republican Convention. Now, some of you feel that the GOP has lost touch with younger voters and people of color. This sort of skepticism means you are a terrorist. You are also wrong.

The speaking lineup does not consist exclusively of 40 to 60 year old white men. It consists of dozens of 40 to 60 year old white men with an intermittent D-list celebrity, self-loathing woman, or black person of no political standing.

Sandwiched between such young, fresh voices as Rick Santorum and Sam Brownback (who will entertain the crowd by unhinging his jaw to demonstrate just how much Pentagon cock he chugs to keep his state the contractor- and soldier-infested shithole it is), you'll find ossified war-horses like Libby Dole, Lindsey Graham, Bill Frist, and Mitch "I'd Fuck My Mother in the Ass for $5" McConnell. The party was desperately trying to put a disproportionately moderate face on its lineup, but NRA and Christian right grousing got Brownback and Santorum added at the very last minute.

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Sen. Brownback's speech will finally clarify his stance on the issue of our colors running

No blacks, you say? Well the convention does in fact have two black speakers. First is Maryland Lt. Gov. Mike Steele – the highest ranking black Republican in the nation. Also invited is former Pittsburgh Steeler Lynn Swann. "Ed, I didn't know he was a politician" you might say. He's not. He's never run for office. Apparently the GOP just sent its operatives out with the instructions to, at any and all cost, find a black guy who was willing to speak and was not named Alan Keyes.

Think Hollywood is all liberal? Think again, pinko. The GOP is trotting out a star-studded celebrity lineup featuring Angie Harmon, Erika Harold (Miss America 2003), Dorthy Hamill, Mary Lou Retton, Kerri Strug and – the man who represents everything the GOP stands for – former New York Giant defender Jason Sehorn (Harmon's husband….apparently they're a GOP power couple).

I'd love to say I was picking and choosing the celebrity lineup for maximum comedic effect, but that's it. In its entirety. A no-name actress, a former Pageant automaton, three gymnasts (two of which were celebrities about 30 years ago) and the most overpaid piece of shit in the history of professional sports.

In many ways, it's a perfect lineup. Could you possibly think of people who are more removed from reality than Olympic gymnasts (who start training in isolation at about age 3) and Miss America contestants? It's everything the Republican party stands for these days: a pointless, nonspecific yearning for the way things were in 1982.

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Sehorn attempts to intimidate the speedy Dennis Hastert

Sehorn, in particular, is a fitting choice. A guy who warmed the bench for a decade while sitting on a 6-year, $36 million contract and getting in the papers every day as "the last white cornerback in football" should replace the elephant as the GOP mascot. He's dumb, he doesn't deserve 90% of what he has, and he had nothing going for him in his career except the privilege of being white.

Apply metaphor as necessary.

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