I'm so sorry that this is a week late. Seasonal issues, computer breakdown, work deadlines and (of course) Half-life 2 all contributed to keep this eulogy from being on time.
First Off: Visit the ODB 1998 Timeline if you haven't already. Second: This won't be an obituary – this will simply be several stories throughout the next day or two as to why we love Ol' Dirty the way we do. If you don't get it after this week, you never will.
As many of you are fellow office workers waiting it out until the holiday (is everyone's office as dead as mine?) these will run long with many multi-media links to keep you entertained, and will be updated through Wednesday. Enjoy.
For Christmas several years ago Ed got me a Ol’ Dirty Bastard "N***a Please" poster. He was a little disappointed that, as a result of keeping it in his trunk during the winter, it had gotten a little water damaged from the snow. I said that it was fine; a water-damaged ODB poster is far superior to a mint poster.
I immediately took it to the prestigious frame show in the ghetto Urbana Lincoln Square Mall. The little old lady who ran the place usually worked with a different type of customer. I walked up to the counter and asked for their gaudiest, cheapest frame that they had. Sure enough, she was able to pick out the perfect one, which hangs on my wall to this day:
While trying to convince me on the merits of this specific cheap gaudy frame, she noted that this one would be a good one because, and I'll never forget this quote, “it will bring out the gold in his jumpsuit.” And damn if she wasn’t right.
She also noted that the poster was water-damaged. I wanted to make up an elaborate story about how it was an old family heirloom that was damaged during the Civil War, but I just said "oh yes, I know" to the poor old lady.
While discussing with some friends Ol' Dirty's chances of making into a Christian Heaven, I proposed that he has a pretty good chance of making it. Why? With the dozens of illegitimate children he has fathered, he can claim that he has followed the Pope's doctrine against using contraceptives throughout his life. It's as good of a chance as the man is going to have to get in there.