Dear Fox Network on this Valentine's Weekend….

It is no secret that I am a huge fan of your television series "COPS", and it's offspring, "World's Wildest Police Chases." COPS is perfectly situation in the 7pm time slot on Saturday Night so that I can enjoy a light drink or take-out food while preparing for the later evening plans.

And If we are to define "prayer" as the act of observing a highly repetitious event over a length of time in the attempt to find spiritual peace, then the act of watching World's Wildest Police Chases' endless cycle of:

a) Car is pulled over.
b) Car takes off while officer is walking towards it.
c) Car drives for a long time while being chased and "tapped." Car then crosses the median and is headed towards oncoming traffic.
d) Narrator Sheriff John Bunnell observes that the Driver "is showing complete disregard for innoncent bystanders."
e) Spikes are thrown, blowing out the tires. Car drives on the rims, shooting off a hypnotizing fireworks display of sparks.
f) Driver gets to home/abandoned factory/end of the road, gets out of car and makes a run for it. Driver is then beaten senselessly by attending officers.

Is like the Our Father and Hail Mary rolled into one (if a helicopter or Macomb County is involved, then it's like the Act of Contrition).


nobody shows complete disregard for innocent bystanders on his watch

But back to the matter at hand Fox Network. Last year you aired a Cops special that could never be topped: you ran two hours of domestic abuse calls, entitled the special "Love Hurts", and ran it Valentine's Day Night. This really happened; scroll down to Sat. on this site, which gives it the accurate though misdirected description of "Even for 'COPS' this is tasteless."

I was able to watch the first two segments and they became my new favorite COPS moments. One featured cops appearing at a trailer home where a middle-aged guy was beaten up by his wife's secret boyfriend who had fled. The cops, god bless them, tried to counsel the situation, informing the wife that she would have to choose between the two men. After giving it a fair amount of thought, the wife tells the officer "I have decided." Cop: "Good to hear it." Wife: "I'm going to keep dating both of them."

The other segment involved cops appearing at a scene of reported abuse where the women was yelling out the second story window for them to go away. They informed her that the had to get inside by law, and that a battering ram was going to arrive at the scene and they were going to break her door unless she opened it. She closed her window and disappeared into the house – and sure enough 5 minutes later there's a broken door and everyone is being dragged outside in cuffs.

When the cops asked the women why she didn't let them in, her answer described that perfect american thought: "I figured if I stopped talking to you then you would just go away." This is Homer Simpson's "I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out" in action.

So as you can see, I was hoping to see this special aired again this Valentine's Day where I could harness the power of Tivo to watch it endlessly for the better part of forever. Imagine my surprise then when I learned that you will be airing the Budweiser Shootout Nascar Race instead of any COPS. Perhaps people who watch COPS overlap with Nascar fans. Perhaps not (I don't). Either way, this special needed to air again, and I'm worried that it is lost forever.

Congratulations – you've broken my heart this Valentine's Day. I hope you are happy. This was your one chance to make even for the Fox News Network in my mind and you wasted it. You suck.

Sincerely,

mike

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10 Responses to “Dear Fox Network on this Valentine's Weekend….”

  1. Liz Says:

    Mike, we know that Fox News is a Good Man, and that he would never hurt you on purpose, but we're really worried about you and the kids. I just want you to know that if you need anything at all, a place to stay, someone to call the cops, someone to beat the everloving piss out of that good-for-nothing…. No, no, I didn't mean that, Mike. I know, I know. When you're ready to admit what kind of relationship this is, we'll be there for you. Until then, here's a Percoset.

  2. J. Dryden Says:

    You forget the last part of the "World's Wildest" cycle: no matter what kind of heinous, car-flipping, gas-tanker-exploding, nuclear-weapon-detonating mayhem we've just been shown, Sherriff (wasn't he Sherriff?–maybe I'm misremembering) Bunnell always–but ALWAYS–has to tell us that "miraculously, the driver/suspect/stupid asshole survives with only minor injuries." Happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. Are these pricks all related to Bruce Willis's character in UNBREAKABLE? Where are the incidents that end in bloody corpses smiled over by Saint Darwin? Oh well. Know that I too share your pain at the absence of this year's COPS gorge-fest.

  3. mike Says:

    Liz: I'll be staying with family until all this is settled. Please don't tell Fox Network where I am though – I don't want the coporation showing up reeking of booze and banging on my door.

    Dryden: MY GOD I DIDN'T SAY SHERRIFF. Please don't tell anyone as well – they'll take away my ginandtacos.com union card.

    And it wouldn't be as entertaining if people suffered death and lost limbs/mental capacities as a result of the chases – "minor injuries" makes watching it akin to watching someone else play a really neat video game.

  4. nana Says:

    We'll hold hands and watch the O.C.

    It won't be as good, but it'll have to do.

    Also, I choose both!

  5. Ed Says:

    NASCAR fans do not overlap with those who watch COPS, they overlap with those who star on COPS.

  6. mimi smartypants Says:

    SHERRIFF John Bunnell of the terrifying teeth is ferociously fond of alliteration, which I think is my favorite thing about World's Wildest Whatevers…"This crazed criminal thought he was above the law. He thought wrong."

  7. Ed Says:

    I would like to note that, according to IMDB, this man has appeared in "Ghost World" and perennial erik martin favorite "Bad Santa".

    Bad Santa (2003) (as Sheriff John Bunnell) …. Police Chief

    Ghost World (2000) (as Sheriff John Bunnell) …. Seymour's Boss

  8. jonny Says:

    jonny

  9. Electronic Circuits ยท Says:

    i do not want to live exactly on a trailer home but i think it is interesting to live on it though .

  10. Plastic Pond Says:

    i do not like trailer homes because it is not sturdy enough specially when the weather goes bad .`'