THE 2005 DION RAYFORD AWARD GOES TO… has its heroes. Ol' Dirty Bastard, Sir Robert Burnett, Winston Churchill, and many more exemplary individuals have represented the spirit of this webpage throughout history. But there is a special breed of hero who deserves our highest honor – our Congressional Medal of Honor, if you will – for going above and beyond the call of duty to enjoy alcohol or low-priced Mexican food.

On the original, we told you the inspirational story of Dion Rayford, a 275-pound college football player who was arrested for assaulting Taco Bell employees who omitted a chalupa from his order. An ordinary man would have dropped the matter – but Dion is no ordinary man. He leapt from his car and attempted to assault the Taco Bell staff by lunging through the drive-thru window. As the window was only 14 inches wide, he quickly became stuck. Police arrived to find his legs dangling out of the drive-thru while his arms no doubt reached for tacos inside the restaurant. He never got his chalupa, but it wasn't for lack of trying.

In Dion's honor, I announce the 2005 winners of the award given to the person or persons who best exemplify the spirit of the ginandtacos: Ian Nichelsen and Tyler Clouatre of North Platte, Nebraska.

These two 18 year-olds are currently facing up to 20 years in prison. Their crime? Not murder, nor theft, nor assault, nor treason. They broke into an Arby's while drunk. To steal? No, to cook.

"I know you're addicted…ain't no methadone for curly fries, bitch."

The hungry and shitfaced teens broke into their neighborhood Arby's around 3 AM and proceeded to fire up the grill and deep fryers. They also brought with them a 30-can case of cheap beer. For two hours they enjoyed curly fries, wads of whatever nonspecific meat by-product Arby's calls "beef," and lots of beer. When an Arby's employee arrived at 5 AM to begin opening the restaurant, police were summoned. Not ones to surrender, our intrepid intruders went to the roof of the building and kept eating.

We can only assume they attempted, without success, to find a White Castle.

"My God," you say, "an award for something that involved neither gin nor tacos?" Your point is fair but misguided. What these men did is bigger than what they drank or in what form they consumed fried starch. It takes a hell of a lot of alcohol to make Arby's seem tasty. We cannot imagine how much would be required to make breaking into an Arby's out of hunger seem like a good idea.

Salut, gentlemen. We will raise funds for your legal defense if necessary. It is too bad you don't live in Fort Wayne, Indiana, where the Arby's never closes. There you could have satisfied your lust legally.

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6 Responses to “THE 2005 DION RAYFORD AWARD GOES TO…”

  1. erik Says:

    These men are truely worthy, I am sure Dion would be proud.

  2. mike Says:

    20 years in prison? Where is the justice? Armed robbery is like 12.

    There but for the grace of God – I remember once I was physically barred from using a George Foreman grill while intoxicated. If there was no 24/7 White Castle for me to go to instead, I would almost certainly have broken into a Taco Bell.

  3. Ambrosini Says:

    Speaking of White Castles, why aren't there any for a 60 mile radius around Champaign?


  4. Ed Says:

    When I read this, I certainly had a sense of "But for the grace of god and La Bamba's go I"

  5. Samantha Says:

    When I was pregnant with my first child, I ate a 7-layer burrito with 3 packs of hot sauce EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail for like four months. If there weren't a late-night Taco Bell near my house then I'm sure I would have gone balistic. I should have done ads for Taco Bell then, because I didn't get fat or anything. In fact I was back to a size 4 three weeks after giving birth. Let's hear it for 7-layer burritos…mmmm.

  6. Luke Says:

    They "went to the roof of the building and kept eating". This is one of the greatest things I've ever read. Arby's should put these stoners in an ad.