KEVIN SMITH, OR: EXHIBIT 'A' IN THE CASE AGAINST LIVING PAST 30

Too bad Kevin Smith didn't join the 27 Club. It worked for Hendrix and it worked for Joplin. Cobain, yeah, it worked out for him too. Step 1 = do something amazing. Step 2 = die before you can start doing subsequent and inevitably disappointing things. Step 3 = be immortalized.

Let me state the obvious before we continue; I fucking hate Kevin Smith. He is probably the most overrated, underwhelming figure in a profession that is fairly bursting with overrated, underwhelming figures. It is truly amazing how much this person sucks while still somehow being taken seriously (albeit with dramatically decreasing frequency these days).

Had he the good sense to just drop deap (O.D. and suicide would have both been acceptable) after Clerks he probably would have been remembered pretty fondly. Oh, don't get me wrong. It's not nearly as good of a film as many claim it is. But like that mediocre nobody who gets a full page in the high school yearbook after he hangs himself, Smith could have benefitted in perpetuity from a one-and-done approach.

Which brings me to the climax. In case Gigli, Jersey Girl, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back weren't enough to make you taste bile, he's currently wrapping up the production work on Clerks II. No, this is not a joke or a rumor. Insert the Bill Hicks "sucking Satan's cock" noise here.

I wonder if the executives at Dreamworks just walked into a room, dropped their trousers, and said "First one to suck it gets a $15 million budget and 2% of the adjusted gross." Smith would undoubtedly leave many shattered bodies in his wake as he maniacally dove toward the cash-dispensing genitalia.

Too bad you didn't die 10 years ago, Kevin. There would have been all kinds of fawning tributes. Now there isn't enough mouthwash in the world to get the taste of shame and Harvey Weinstein's wang out of your mouth, and when you finally leave this world you will be remembered primarily for being the visionary who tapped the potential of the Affleck-Lopez team in two separate films. See you in 10 more years on a reality program based on washed-up celebrities!

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6 Responses to “KEVIN SMITH, OR: EXHIBIT 'A' IN THE CASE AGAINST LIVING PAST 30”

  1. J. Dryden Says:

    To offer an unsolicited correction: Smith cannot, in fact, be blamed for GIGLI–that was Martin Brest's thalidomide baby from start to finish. Not to disagree with your basic argument, but just as we can't blame Manson for the Zodiac murders…

  2. Ed Says:

    Yikes. Thanks for catching that. Bad Ed. I should double-check everything on IMDB in the future.

  3. mike Says:

    to be fair in the other direction though, Kevin Smith takes the sole writing credits for "Jersey Girl" – so he can't run with a "I was just doing my friend Ben Affleck a favor, I was in and out in 20 days" excuse.

    (though I haven't seen it – maybe he draws brand new material out of a "busy business man learns to enjoy life from his wisecracking comedian father and a precocious daughter)

    Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back may have been the worst movie experience of my life. Certainly the worst I've seen in theaters.

  4. Ed Says:

    We saw "Boat Trip" and "Dude, Where's my Car?" in theaters. You have made a strong statement.

  5. Spencer Says:

    Yes, and can anyone believe Martin Brest actually directed Gigli??!! This is the man who made Scent of a Woman, and others like Going in Style… and Meet Joe Black.. how on earth does MARTIN BREST screw up that badly? I just can't figure that out.

  6. Dave Says:

    Oh, I'm sure it's the old Hollywood story. Director is set to direct, but actors get in the way. And when you're dealing with Affleck AND Lopez, i'm sure they had more pull than anyone else on set.