NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT

Well, the amount of money allocated by Homeland Security to places like New York, Chicago, Washington DC, and Las Vegas has been dramatically slashed in favor of election year pork to marginal Congressional districts. If you missed that story, Indiana was deemed to have the highest number of terrorism targets in the nation.

I'm not fucking kidding. They have seriously identified the following as terrorist targets, among others:

  • Sweetwater Flea Market (Knoxville, TN)
  • Nix's Check Cashing (???)
  • Apple and Pork Festival (Clinton, IL)

    In case you were wondering what these high-risk targets have been doing with their massive slush-fund checks, let's use Germantown, TN (a state with a key open Senate seat) as an example.

    The affluent community has one of the lowest crime rates in the nation. It is home to endless McMansions filled with white-flight Memphis baby boomers. It is 93% white and has a $94,000 average household income – nearly three times the national average.

    For some reason (not because it's an election year and not because Bill Frist is a Tennesseean) the community got a $200,000 grant from DHS to purchase a military-spec armored vehicle called a "BearCat" to "put the community at the forefront of preparedness."

    bearcat1.jpg

    God only knows what Germantown, TN needs to be prepared for, but one thing is abundantly clear – there's a whole town full of 52 year old white guys with a giant boner right now. This is the best marital aid ever devised for rich, suburban, reactionary conservative Middle Class American Dad. I mean, just look at this ridiculous fucking thing. I'm surprised it doesn't say "TONKA" and have racing stripes on it. But it's good to know that Germantown has it (instead of nearby crime-ridden and Democrat-leaning Memphis) in case things get out of hand at the Pier 1 Imports this weekend.

    (Thanks AutoBlog)

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  • 4 Responses to “NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT”

    1. Matthew Says:

      God damnit. I'm fucking serious.

      God damnit!

    2. Matthew Says:

      You know what I just remembered? Germantown is the ridiculous Memphis suburb where my Aunt and Uncle live, where I went earlier this summer to take place in the social event of the season and witness my cousin get married to local royalty. (The bride's father is a head honcho at FedEx, which is centered in Memphis)

      Your description of the suburb was really far too generous. It's jerkoff honky-ville central, and I credit the town with turning my formerly sane, conservative ex-Navy uncle into a raging, bigoted e-mail forwarding asshole.

    3. Valerie Says:

      Thanks, squirreltm. Now, back to the conversation. Anyway… Doesn't Orland Park have a helicopter? I'm pretty sure I remember them acquiring one back when I was in high school. We all imagined it would be used primarily flying over parks and busting kids for smoking pot. Or possibly as the official Orland Park Traffic Chopper. ???

    4. Kyle Griffin Says:

      American Dad is a great TV show and i used to watched it on our local tv channel-;~