JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST

Remember (and really, how could you forget?) the horrifying, Wagonhalt "cheerleader" video from Michelle Malkin? Looks like Ms. I'm So Bad I Actually Got Fired From Fucking Fox News is back to prove that there are additional talents she doesn't have.

I'm warning you before you watch this: it is really bad. Not "bad" like "That movie was OK but I wouldn't pay $8 to see it again." Not "bad" like your adorable young child's first school music recital. It's the kind of bad that haunts you when you are alone. It makes you reconsider the way you feel about the existence of God. It may have you scrambling to find twin screwdrivers so that you may jam them through both eardrums simultaneously.

OK? Go.

I made it about 1:25. How about you? I actually went back later and listened to the remainder just in case it got better. It did not. It sounds like that nice 45 year-old lady at your doctor's office…being forced to audition for American Idol at gunpoint, recording the performance on a Watergate-era tape deck.

I want all of my friends, bretheren, countrymen, and even enemies on the political right to sit down and do some serious soul-searching. Like most people gain weight with age and realize things like "There are dozens of ways I can dress attractively; wearing a halter top is not one of them," maybe it's time to admit that there are some things you're good at…..and comedy isn't one of them. Seriously. Michelle Malkin? Not funny. Dennis Miller? The Half Hour News Hour? Larry the Cable Guy? "Mallard Fillmore?" Brad Stine? All of these things and people are christ-rapingly awful. Humorous they are not. Mildly amusing they are not. They're just bad. Bad, bad, bad. Stop it. For a political coalition consisting of the brazenly anti-intellectual, humorless Puritans, and people who consider profit to be the sole legitimate arbiter of value, maybe creativity and humor are not going to be your thing.

We still love you, but go write a goddamn book on tax cuts or something. One's battles must be chosen carefully in life based on honest self-analysis. You might want to concede comedy to the Pagan Left. There's less shame in quitting than in videos like this.

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6 Responses to “JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST”

  1. J. Dryden Says:

    You'd think that the party that can legitimately lay claim to cynicism as its ideological cornerstone would be able to eke out a laugh here and there–I mean, there *have* been funny conservatives–Samuel Johnson, P.J. O'Rourke…ummm…others…I'm sure. Point is, conservative humor has to be based on being *wiser* and *more mature* than the naive idealists on the left. Instead, we get cheap jokes about how 'phony' and 'whiny' and 'stupid' liberals are. And oh my God do they tell the same goddamned jokes over and over again–literally–watch the last two times Miller went on the Daily Show–he told the *exact* *same* *jokes* each time, leading one to suspect that, having found *one* nasty thing to say about leading Democrats: Harry Reid is dull! Nancy Pelosi is inexperienced!, his well has run dry. Dunno what happened to the smart conservative–trust me, he *can* be funny when he wants to. Seriously, if you can't make a decent joke about Hillary Clinton, you are *truly* unfunny.

  2. Chris Says:

    I don't think humor is part of the "Lower Taxes!" idea that dominates the conservative ideology. They should stick to making widgets and hating minorities.

  3. Nate Says:

    As soon as I heard the piano tones to that goddamn "Five For Fighting" song that was played waaaay too fucking much after 9/11. I vomited and stopped listening.

  4. cerb Says:

    God damnit, fuck you, Ed. That was appaling beyond my wildest dreams, and I would beg that conservatives stop writing about economics as well, seeing as the solution to everything is tax cuts. I even had the joy yesterday to sit in on a lecture by some economist from American University who argued that people were overexaggerting the poverty problem in the US.

  5. Ed Says:

    I've heard that argument before, which usually consists of comparing the poor in America to people in Chad or some other third-world hellhole. Now there's a good, solid analogy.

  6. David Recine Says:

    Oddly enough, a melodramatic music video of the original five for fighting song to footage of Hilary being "emotional" would make me laugh my @$$ off.

    I literally couldn't get past the first line of the "song". I've read Malkin's writing. While one could easily argue that she's not Pulitzer material, I can understand how someone somewehere would hire her to write and how like minded peope might enjoy her writing. The fact that ANYONE enjoys the rest of the Michelle Malkin talent show indicates extreme desperation due to the dearth of truly creative or talented people willing to lend their careers to right wing punditry. Jesus, isn't she paid well enough to hire a rea piano player and passable vocalist to do the song?