NPF: AN OPEN LETTER TO BILL O'REILLY

BillO,

I'm sorry I've waited so long to write, as I had to give priority to Chris Tucker and the vegans. Frankly you need a level of mental care far in excess of anything I can give you in this forum, but I'm willing to try because I care.

Bill, you need help. Seriously. Let's nip this in the bud before someone dies. We're all getting a good laugh out of watching you blow your stack on the set of Inside Edition (where you honed your unique brand of hard-hitting, substantive journalism) but it's nothing we haven't already seen you do. We all get angry sometimes, but, if we may draw a few lessons from Cold War-era international relations, it's important to recognize the value of a proportionate response.

Most people take a progressive approach to fury, slowly working in increments from mild irritation to pant-shitting rage. Those intermediate steps are important. They serve a purpose. Think of it like being with a woman, Bill. You can't go from "Hi, my name is William" to hard anal in 15 seconds. Hopefully this example illustrates the necessity of the incremental approach. The steps between mild irritation and explosive wrath are like lube…lube to let your circulatory system glide through one more potential stroke.

That's the terrifying thing about these video clips, Bill – you go from slightly terse to Hiroshima in the blink of an eye. There is only one person who can do that safely; his name is Wolverine. Are you Wolverine, Bill? I didn't think so. I'm worried. If your temper is set on a hair trigger like this, you're going to get pissed off at work some day. You'll come home, find out that your maid put your golf clubs in the wrong closet, grab a rolling pin, and bury it in her skull. Where are you going to be then?

Don't be fooled by the fact that Joe Scarborough probably got away with killing the woman he was fucking on the side…even though you're a TV star, the next stop will be life in prison. While I think that's best for you – you really do need to be someplace where you can be supervised – I realize that it isn't what you want. You want to continue filling the vital role you occupy in our national discourse.

Find a hobby that allows you to hit things, Bill. Tennis. Boxing. Drums. Chopping wood. Rugby. Play some violent video games that allow you to kill things without consequence. Listen to Slayer. Leave sweaty, panting messages on your co-workers' voicemail. Buy a dog and kick it. Cut yourself. You have so many options, and all of them are better than the road on which you're currently traveling at breakneck speed. It leads somewhere bad, Bill. The final act of this play isn't going to be pleasant. If you maintain the status quo, it will be somewhere on the continuum between a crippling aneurysm and a Richard Chase-style murder. If that sounds preposterous, you should realize that most of America has very little difficulty picturing you going down in a hail of police gunfire surrounded by the half-eaten remains of your victims.

Sincerely,
Ed

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8 Responses to “NPF: AN OPEN LETTER TO BILL O'REILLY”

  1. mike Says:

    Tremfu needs to cover something like this:
    http://www.glumbert.com/media/oreillyremix

  2. J. Dryden Says:

    Actually, to judge by Bill's approach to "dating" (cf. those voicemail messages), going from "Hi" to hard anal in 15 seconds seems right about his preferred speed. Do we really want him to buy a dog, though? Would he stop at kicking it? I don't think so. Perhaps we could take up a collection and anonymously buy him a RealDoll? Oh great, now I've put that image into my own head and it's not going anywhere without more booze than I've got in the house.

  3. BK Says:

    I am lauging loud enough to disturb my neighbors over this:

    "If that sounds preposterous, you should realize that most of America has very little difficulty picturing you going down in a hail of police gunfire surrounded by the half-eaten remains of your victims."

    I guess I should feel bad about the half-eaten victim, but I can't…

    Although I do think it would have been equally accurate to say "…that most of America is actually praying for you to go down in a hail of police gunfire…"

    If I believed in god, I know I sure would…

  4. Samantha Says:

    The Richard Chase story had me cringing in horror until I read that while in prison he once handed an interviewer "a large amount of macaroni and cheese which he had been hoarding in his pants pockets." Now I can't stop laughing.

  5. D. Marlan Says:

    He is entertaining at least, and passionate. That is a lot more than I can say for most other pundits. I thought it was great when he shoved that huge Obama supporter/bouncer, who was purposely obstructing his view, out of the way at the Obama rally.

    If those voicemail messages are true though, he's an Elliot Spitzer-level hypocrite…

  6. Chris Says:

    You actually can go from "Hi, my name is Bob" to hardcore anal if you are a porn star. I realize I am splitting hairs here.

    I think it is safe to say the world would be a much, much better place if people like O'Reilly or Limbaugh were not on the air dispersing their message to idiots who don't question it. I think if their listeners had to crack open a book, their faces would melt like the Nazis who opened the Ark in Indiana Jones. Let's hope one day Billo and Limpdick finally do go overboard and get canned from the air for life

  7. Nate Says:

    Actually, presidential candidate John McCain has a BillO type of temperament as well. There are a lot of senators on both sides of the aisle that are terrified of him because of his ability to "snap" into a rage.

    Not the type of man I'd like to have with the ability to call down nuclear fire at any given moment. Not at all.

  8. Nate Says:

    Also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j2YDq6FkVE