I'm not entirely sure what athletic purpose is served (pun intended) by having women's volleyball players compete in stripper-caliber bikinis (outdoor) or tiny spandex shorts that might as well be painted on (indoor). Of the many things I can imagine enhancing one's performance in volleyball, neither thongs nor camel toe are among them.
Month: August 2008
NPF: START THE REAR ADMIRAL JOKES NOW
I am being interviewed for an assistant professor position at the US Coast Guard Academy.
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You may let fly the "poop deck" and "seaman" and "rear admiral jokes" now. It may bring good luck.
It would probably be fair to tell them that I have never been on a boat but I still have respect for the men and women of America's 17th line of defense (just ahead of the Mississippi National Guard and behind the League of Women Voters).
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This interview is bound to go better than the one at Texas Christian. Not even kidding.
NPF: MUST-SEE TV
I am becoming alarmingly addicted to informercials in the same way I am addicted to Battlefield:Earth, World's Wildest Police Videos, and watching people slip on icy stairs. Infomercials are as bad as you remember, as my good friend Klee Irwin will show you. In addition to answering the hypothetical question "What would the offspring look like if John Waters boned Count Chocula?" Klee is well-known for being incredibly enthusiastic about your poop. He is personally committed to helping you pinch off a nice, solid log. To wit:
Infomercials say a lot about us as a nation. Because every one of these idiots – every last scam artist, charlatan, and flat-out criminal – is a millionaire. Remember, as you watch Klee Irwin or Kevin Trudeau making asses of themselves for your entertainment, that people regularly watch this crap and fall for it. Not one or two people – tens of thousands of them. They pick up the phone and pay good money – in some cases hundreds of dollars – for repackaged Flintstones vitamins or books that describe how to cure cancer with fruit.
Yeah, that's a little depressing.
I AM BORED AND I HAVE A DOLLAR
These two facts are enough to make one a homeowner in Detroit. If that link isn't depressing enough, try doing a ctrl-f search for the phrase "fire damaged." Or I will save you the trouble: that phrase appears a lot. Thanks, Mike.
Images of that episode of The Simpsons in which Bart buys a factory for a buck come to mind.
I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS, BUT I HATE HIM
There's nothing more depressing than a person who is absolutely consumed by loathing for something they don't bother (or aren't able) to understand.
We're good at this in America. Next time you hear someone go off on a 20-minute rant about (taxes, Muslims, No Child Left Behind, oil prices, whatever) ask them an incredibly basic question and watch the ensuing trainwreck. Information is entirely optional in acting out our irrational hatreds.
To full time Tax Bitchers, for example, the idea of high marginal tax rates creating a "disincentive to earn more" is a staple argument. Using hypothetical figures for simplicity, if the split between the second-highest tax bracket (say 30%) and the highest (35%) was at $150,000, individuals earning near that amount would have a disincentive to earn more. Seventy percent of $145,000 is larger than 65% of $155,000 ($101,500 > $100,750). It make sense, right?
That works for those in the reality-making world, but for the rest of us the facts get in the way.
Progressive tax brackets are not applied retroactively. That is, when you hit $150,000 the new bracket applies only to incoome earned beyond that point. So there's never a "disincentive" in the (reality-based) definition of the term – you know, something that penalizes or otherwise discourages behavior.
What progressive tax brackets provide are slightly less incentive. Less incentive (i.e., keeping 65 cents of each additional dollar rather than 70) is not the same as disincentive.
Ten million bonus points to Professor Hack (at U. Michigan…Flint!) for butchering the Laffer Curve. Sure, the top 10% of all income earners paid 50% more in taxes under Reagan, which is really impressive if you don't also mention that those same individuals more than doubled their incomes over the same time period (compared to a 13% increase for the bottom 90%).
MEET MR. FOX, OUR NEW HENHOUSE GUARD
As inexplicably good as McCain's prospects look, the actions of the incumbent administration can hardly be considered a vote of confidence.
They are kicking off what I can only assume will be a five-month flurry of scorched-earth policymaking in anticipation of the GOP becoming scarce in Washington.
On Monday Our Leader's Faithful announced that they are radically reinterpreting the Endangered Species Act. And in this instance "reinterpreting" means "pretending like it doesn't exist and gutting whatever meager requirements it imposed on the hallowed Free Market." To make a long story very short, the new rules will take those pesky "scientists" out of the regulatory process and allow federal agencies to decide for themselves whether or not highways, dams, or other engineering projects will endanger protected plants or animals. Some Department of Interior employee with a lingering conscience leaked revealing documents to the press over the weekend.
Look, I could waste time talking about why this is stupid** and telling you things you already know.
I could use worn metaphors (fox:henhouse, inmates:asylum, etc) to tell the story of more typical right wing bullshit, failing to raise even the protest from a public that is evenly split between thinking "Yeah, fuck animals!" and being too tired to fight it after seven years of this.
Nothing new.
Instead let's just marvel at the official start of Operation Salt the Earth, a five-month, middle-fingers-extended sprint to dismantle as much of the skeletal remains of the regulatory state as possible before handing over the keys. Either McCain will win and find things to his liking or, ideally for the GOP, Obama will win and spend four years absolutely drowning under the mountain of debt and stumbling around the rubble of what used to be a government.
But this will be exciting. What treasured principle will be the next to go? The anticipation is killing me!
**(If they weren't so goddamn stupid, they'd realize that all this will do is quintuple the number of lawsuits, dramatically increasing the costs to government and grinding the Federal courts to a halt. If. Like if the queen had a dick she'd be the king.)
HACKED BY OSSETIAN SEPARATISTS!
I wish the story was that exciting, but my webhost simply continued to prove that they don't understand the concept of automatically charging my credit card every month. Apparently the "shut down the site until Ed calls and says they can charge another to his card" system is more efficient.
ALL-ENCOMPASSING IGNORANCE
I hope you set aside your cynicism long enough to enjoy the Olympic opening ceremonies on Friday evening; it was an unprecedented visual spectacle. Yes, I'm well aware of the fact that the Chinese government has acted in typical authoritarian fashion, displacing 1,500,000 residents, censoring media access, and rounding up dissenters to create the image of perfect harmony that we see. Fully recognizing that, I cannot help but be impressed by the magnitude of the "show.
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" They succeeded in making every previous Olympic ceremony look like a county fair and in terrifying London into wondering "How in the hell can we top that?" Every aspect of the coreographed performance was perfect, giving us the greatest hybrid of a circus, concert, and action movie ever made. Visually, they didn't miss a beat.
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Just look at the Beijing National Stadium and Swimming and Diving facilities. The Centennial Olympic Stadium from Atlanta 1996 looks like an Amish barn in comparison. Such is the advantage of a semi-authoritarian regime – they can command and direct the entirety of the nation's resources toward putting on a show.
One seemingly insignificant aspect of the ceremony really bothered me. Not because of what is says about China, but for what it says about us.
In the early portion of the ceremony, synchronized dancers formed the shape of a boat and oars to symbolize, Bob Costas pointed out, the ancient voyage of Zheng He. Without cheating, do you know who Zheng He is? I didn't. I had to look him up to discover that he was an explorer who sailed to a greater number of places than any famous European explorer – 100 years earlier – and is likely responsible for the spread of Islam in southeast Asia. Now, humility aside, I believe that I know a good deal more about world history than the "average" American, a simple function of the fact that I spend a lot of time reading about it. But I wouldn't know Zheng He if he blew me.
In reality, I don't know dick about "world" history. I know European and American history. In 21 years of formal schooling I have not once been exposed to any discussion of China. None. As I believe that I am representative of most Americans in this regard, the opening ceremonies made it clear that we know absolutely nothing about the largest nation on Earth.
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One out of every five people on the planet lives in China, the oldest civilization on the planet, and for all intents and purposes we Americans (and probably Europeans) know more about Albania.
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To us, China is communist, has a big wall, and gave the world Yao Ming, fortune cookies (which isn't even true), and General Tso's chicken. That's what we know.
This is corny, but I feel like China's stated mission of "introducing itself" to the world is an appropriate metaphor for these games. And "the world" – the overwhelmingly Eurocentric West in particular – sorely needs it. Maybe it doesn't need the cloying, coreographed, everything-is-perfect-and-harmonious face that China is presenting, but it does need to start paying more attention to the world's largest population, 3rd-largest economy, largest conventional military force, biggest industrial polluter, largest foreign holder of U.S. debt and dollars, and most prominent trading partner.
Perhaps I'm projecting my own ignorance, and in reality you and the rest of America are well-versed in Chinese history. Maybe Zheng He and his exploits are well-known to you and I'm a big dummy. It's likely, however, that you're in the dark too. Even though we can't learn much from China's idealized presentation of itself, I'm chastened by how little we do know.
THE SOUTH (CAUCASUS) WILL RISE AGAIN
(Given that I do not know Georgian, Russian, or Ossetian politics from my ass or a hole in the ground, I have called on a guest writer to say something intelligent. It seemed to work last time. What are the odds that I could find someone who studies Georgia? Scientists used Deep Blue to calculate them at 1 in 1,730,265. Well, suck it, science. I don't just know someone, I live with him. Without further ado, Mr. Scott "Aqua Velva Man" Nissen.)
Despite the media’s insistence that the political future of John Edwards (and, one assumes, his illegitimate child) and the vacation habits of Barack Obama are the most salient issues in the world today, a much more troubling event has been ongoing in a largely ignored region. On August 7th, the Russian military invaded South Ossetia, a small region in northern Georgia with separatist goals.
Before getting to the consequences of this action for Americans and the rest of the world, a little background is in order. Following the collapse of communism, the force that kept many separatist groups in check disappeared.
Without the unifying force of communism (and the threat posed by the Red Army), many of the new states that emerged from Yugoslavia and the Soviet Union were unable to placate the separatist aspirations of many ethnic groups. As seen in Chechnya, Kosovo and Nagorno-Karabakh (I did not make that one up), the result has been some of the most savage conflicts in the post-Cold War era. Conflict erupted in South Ossetia almost immediately after Georgian independence in 1992, ending with a tense cease-fire that was maintained by Georgian, Russian and South Ossetian peacekeepers.
South Ossetia was largely peaceful until 2004, when the new Georgian government, brought to power in the Rose Revolution, cracked down on illegal activity in the region. This led to sporadic fighting between Georgian and South Ossetian troops, who were believed to be backed by the Russian military. American and limited European acknowledgement of Kosovo’s independence in February 2008 further destabilized Georgia's hold on South Ossetia. Recognizing separatists in Kosovo set a precedent, reducing the authority states have over breakaway regions. Needless to say, the tensions in South Ossetia have run high and increased significantly in recent years.
Everything came to a head on August 1st, when Georgian troops in South Ossetia were shelled by South Ossetian troops. The Georgian military responded by invading the region to quell the fighting, encountering intense resistance.
Russia denies that the incident on August 1st occurred. A week later, the Russian military began bombing raids, first in South Ossetia and eventually on other targets in Georgia including an airfield near the Georgian capital of Tbilisi. As of today, it appears that Georgia is vacating the South Ossetian capital of Tskhinvali while Abkhazia, another separatist region within Georgia, may be taking advantage of this situation by attacking Georgian troops within Abkhazian borders.
What remains unclear is Russia’s rationale. Two motives have been widely speculated.
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First, Russia may have annexed South Ossetia to reunite it with North Ossetia, which is already part of Russia. They claim that approximately 90% of the people who live in South Ossetia carry a Russian passport and use Russian currency. Second, Moscow is troubled by former Soviet republics joining the EU and NATO. The three Baltic States have already joined both organizations while Ukraine and Georgia have received commitments from NATO about their future with the security organization. Russia may be trying to destabilize the Georgian state and military with the intention of making them ineligible for NATO membership.
It is important to note that Russia also has separatist problems of its own, most notably in Chechnya (which also borders Georgia). Although this conflict has cooled off in recent years, it does not make much sense for Russia to embolden Ossetian separatists in Georgia while trying to suppress Chechens a mere 200 miles away. Additionally, Russia’s standing in the international community has taken a big hit in recent years due to Vladimir Putin’s backsliding toward repression. Invading Georgia, which is significantly weaker, perceived to be a strong democracy, and a staunch ally of the West, can’t do much to help Russia’s tattered international image.
Why should we care that Russia is essentially steamrolling over an obscure country – besides the obvious loss of life and possibility of ethnic cleansing that comes with any armed conflict? There are three underreported ways in which this conflict might impact Americans directly. First, after the US and the UK, Georgia had the largest force in Iraq – roughly 2,000 troops on the ground. With the continued deterioration of the situation in South Ossetia, the Georgian government has asked that the United States airlift these troops back to Georgia. Unfortunately, this means that the military of another coalition partner (read: the US or UK) will, at least temporarily, have to fill that gap.
Second, oil markets will be further destabilized. A major pipeline links Central Asian oil fields with Western ports on the Mediterranean via Tbilisi. The Georgian government has said that the Russian Air Force is targeting the pipeline, a claim not yet substantiated by independent observers. However, the mere notion that the pipeline could be targeted may be enough for oil speculators to drive the price of oil to new record highs.
Finally, and this goes out to all of us enjoying the Summer Olympics in Beijing, guess where the 2014 Winter Olympics are being held?
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That’s right, Sochi, Russia, only about 150 miles from the newly demolished city of Tskhinvali. While I’m sure that the Russian government will be able to put on a wonderful show for the rest of the world, the specter of violence, instability, and the current conflict is likely to remain the region for many years.
Unfortunately, this conflict is getting the short shrift in the MSM even though we, and the region, may be feeling the consequences of it for some time. It may take the Russian army marching on Atlanta instead of Tbilisi for many Americans to actually take notice.
(Scott was compensated with a post-dated out-of-state bad check for $1,000 which stands no chance of being honored by any legitimate financial institution.)
WEEKEND BONUS: BIZARRO WORLD
Given that we're already getting the most substantive news on television from a pair of comedians and a former ESPN anchor, it makes sense that Bob freakin' Costas is now offering better reality-based commentary than the mainstream media.
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During Friday's absolutely stunning opening ceremony at the Olympics (more on that Monday):
“Joey Cheek had planned to invoke the Olympic truce, the time-honored concept of an Olympic truce, to call attention to the humanitarian crisis in Sudan. He did not intend to directly protest the Chinese government. The fact that they pulled his visa is so contrary to the Olympic ideal it is simply outrageous.
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”
This isn't the first time he's smacked the world in the face with reality. And to be so blunt on-air during a major event is far more than we could expect from a real reporter, so I guess we need to get it from a sportscaster.
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