First, I would like to apologize. I have a job interview coming up which has preoccupied me, and I feel like this week sucked.

Second, Bobby Jindal's performance on Tuesday evening reminded me so much of a ShamWow infomercial that I decided to do a post on the ShamWow Guy. I should begin by noting that his name is Vince Offer. He came out of the damn womb cleaning himself off with a ShamWow and ready to film an infomercial. You know all about the ShamWow ad by now, that magical German-made towel that can absorb anything. Never mind that it's really a big scam – the towel's "absorbent powers" are the product of clever editing. Perhaps you're also familiar with his new project, the Slap Chop, which he sells with the delightful, subtle, and delightfully subtle double entendre "You're gonna love my nuts." Oh, Vince. You whip.

Apparently Vince is an ex-Scientologist who has successfully sued the "church." This makes Mr. Offer remarkably OK in my book no matter how much of a barnacle he is on America's ass. Unfortunately long before he sued Scientology or slapped his nuts on national TV he also starred in and directed a film called Underground Comedy Movie. The New York Post called it the worst film ever made, while the New York Times noted that it "stands as a monument to ineptitude and self-delusion." The film is a series of unrelated, scatalogical skits starring Offer, Joey Buttafuoco, and Gina Lee Nolin (whose skit consists of her loudly defecating). And. AND. Michael Clarke Duncan, who apparently has never said "no" to anything. Offer sued the Farrelly Brothers for "stealing" his idea in There's Something About Mary and Anna Nicole Smith for $4 million for backing out of the film in a rare show of taste.

After making (possibly) the worst movie ever, the entreprenurial Mr. Offer reinvented himself as a pitchman when he discovered the towel that would become ShamWow at a flea market. I have to imagine that this guy hangs out at a lot of flea markets. You know, scouting for new products. And peddling meth. Congratulations, Vince Offer. I don't know how a no-talent troll like him managed to do it, but he is a household name – the Ron Popeil of the Aughts. With a headset. And more jokes about his ballsack.

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  • I never thought the ShamWow! infomercials had "clever editing". I saw the editing and thought "Holy shit! There are people stupid enough to miss that!"

    I really hate being proven right. Still, I did tell a friend that she should be the ShamWow! guy for Halloween. She sports a fauxhawk already, and I have to say that only a lesbian can pull it off without looking like a complete douche.

  • Jon – I think if your friend doesn't look like a complete douche, then she isn't pulling it off.

    Oh wait, you mean the fauxhawk? Well, okay, I guess that makes sense. I meant being the ShamWow! guy for Halloween. Cuz, you know, he's a complete douche…

    Anyway, good luck with the job interview, Ed!

  • That headset bothered me at first. I mean, why? He's clearly in a studio, and if he needed a mike why not a lavalier clipped to his collar? But still, it looked familiar.

    Then I remembered: carny barkers. When I was a kid my Mom would take me to her home town's annual fair. There would be guys in booths with headsets plugged into PA systems making the same sort of slick pitch. Trying to lure the rubes straight off the farm into buying stuff that at ten years old even I could see was worthless shit.

    And even at ten I could detect the contempt those pitchmen had for their gullible customers. Mr. Offer is maintaining an old tradition, it seems.

  • Snake oil salesman / complete scam artist = making money the American way. Start up a church or be a televangelist, sell "fat-burning" pills, write a book about how to make money, set up a Ponzi Scheme like
    Weekend at Bernie's Madoff, or be a psychic. It would be so easy to set something like this up if, of course, one had no ethics or shame and didn't mind the possibility of doing time.

    I swear I've seen turds that look better than Vince, and I would also bet money that I've seen turds that possessed more admirable qualities than Vince. I, also, don't understand why Vince needs a headset. My bet is he just got off a shift working as a telemarketer or the drive-through at McDonald's and forgot to take the headset off. Sham-Woooow!

    My favorite picture of Vince:

  • America sure can churn 'em out. He's a bit of a cross between Jindal and Haggard…now there's a catchy company name! Maybe his other job is the towel guy at a gay cat-house…'scuse me sir, something I can wipe for you?…

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