BARTOLO COLON vs. THE HAMBURGLAR

Now, I'm not saying Bartolo Colon looks like the Hamburglar, but Bartolo Colon looks suspiciously like the Hamburglar.

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His durability, powerful right arm, girth, and impressive disregard for physical conditioning recall the glory of current and former corpulent baseball stars like Rich "El Guapo" Garces (the last man to actually be driven to the mound on that hemlet-shaped engineering marvel known as the bullpen car), Mike "Spanky" LaValliere, Bobby Jenks, Kevin Mitchell (who once ended up on the Disabled List after injuring himself eating a fucking donut), Cecil Fielder (whose vegetarian son Prince, already 280 pounds at age 24, figures to look like an elderly Orson Welles by his mid-30s), and the legendarily sloppy Mickey Lolich.

It's a beautiful sport when guys who look like a south Philly telephone repairman can end up in the Hall of Fame – I'm looking at you, Gwynn and Puckett – or win MVP awards like Fielder, Mitchell, and Colon (Cy Young). Watching Tony Gwynn steal 56 bases in 1987 gives our fat asses hope as fans and viewers.

And for the record, the famously girthsome Babe Ruth was actually svelte for most of his career. It was not until his final years – when he started sneaking into the bullpen between innings to eat hot dogs – that he went all Cookie Jarvis on us. His career was essentially over by that point anyway.

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8 Responses to “BARTOLO COLON vs. THE HAMBURGLAR”

  1. Comrade PhysioProf Says:

    Dude, don't forget the Krukster! When I see him all stuffed into that uncomfortable looking suit and tie on teevee, all I can think of is him at the plate spitting massive streams of tobacco juice all filthy and shit.

  2. Blaine Says:

    Many of the film clips that exist of The Babe were actually shot during the Second World War at exhibitions held before the games to promote the sale of War Bonds. He wore the uniform of the Yankees during these exhibitions (a tip off is whether it has the famous NY logo on the chest- the Yanks uniforms were plain pinstripes during Ruth's actual playing career). Quite often he hit pitches thrown by Walter Johnson, another legend who pitched War Bonds to the patriotic fans during 1942-43.

    Also don't forget Terry Forster and Rick and Paul Reuschel of the Cubs. They sported some famously un-ballplayer-like physiques too, during an era when uniforms were unflatteringly tight, double-knit abominations.
    Great post; great blog!

  3. jon Says:

    Baseball seems to be the one team sport where playing it wouldn't really count as an exercise regimen. Half the time sitting around with much of the other half standing is no way to get in shape.

  4. Mark Says:

    I bet this would make a good one of those Budweiser "Real American Heroes" commercials.

  5. Daniel Says:

    As a White Sox fan, nothing makes me happier than seeing Bartolo and Jenks contributing to a win in the same game. 560 combined pounds of pitching prowess. Let's make it happen tomorrow!

  6. Jude Says:

    he's still a viable fifth starter for us, ok?

  7. JohnR Says:

    Ah, Mickey Lolich. What a great pitcher, and the only pro sports star who could make a stadium full of drunken fat guys think "Man! He makes me look good!" I used to love watching him pitch against the Orioles (except that he often won).

  8. Daniel Says:

    Hmm Floyd is pitching tonight.

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