Baseball fans can usually be found in heated debate over matters of dire importance such as the relative merits of Jimmie Foxx and Ralph Kiner as underappreciated power hitters or if the Big Red Machine could take down the 2004 Red Sox in a 7-game series. Here at ginandtacos.com we debate only the most important points of politics, baseball, or any other subject. Accordingly I decided to put together a list of the ugliest sons of bitches ever to play the game of baseball at the Major League level. Why? Because I like making fun of things. You should understand this by now.
In the process of assembling this Dream Team I learned a very important lesson: there have been a lot, and I mean a lot, of ugly baseball players over the years. I don't mean ugly like some guy you know who can never find a date. We're talking scare-the-children ugly. Monstrously ugly. Possibly deformed ugly. And the hardest part of this exercise was narrowing down the list to a manageable number. I didn't pay too much attention to positions here; instead I nominated nine position players/designated hitters and then an assortment of pitchers. Godalmighty are there a lot of ugly pitchers. Without further ado:
1. Don Mossi
What the fuck. He looks like someone microwaved John Kerry. His eyes are in the wrong place(s) and point in different directions. His ears generate their own weather. At first glance I thought this was Jar-Jar Binks.
2. Zane Smith
Half Napoleon Dynamite, half enormous retarded guy. His mom had to safety-pin his mittens to his coat every day before he left the house. She also huffed Scotchgard for most of the second trimester.
3. Randy Johnson
The Big Unit once lost a bar bet in Juarez, Mexico and had his face doused in acid by Carlos the Jackal. That's when he figured, "Fuck it. I'm growing a mullet." If he couldn't play baseball we'd be watching him shirtless and getting cuffed on COPS as his 500-pound live-in girlfriend explained the source of her black eye to the Wichita Police.
4. Bartolo Colon
At this point in his career he is in no way distinguishable from the Hamburglar.
5. Eziquel Astacio
You know how on House it's never lupus? Right here, right now, it's lupus.
1. Pascual Perez
It amazes me that PP never comes up in these all-time ugly discussions. Look at this fucking guy. Like early 90s Deion Sanders after a four-day crack binge inside a blast furnace.
2. Kent Tekulve
He looks like a barback at Studio 54 circa 1976. Most fans remember that his career was tragically derailed when he was arrested for murdering a vagrant to steal his Blu-Blockers.
3. Jason Isringhausen
He recorded 47 saves in 2004, one for every chromosome he has.
4. Julian Tavarez.
Tavarez is legally obligated under Megan's Law to register as a sex offender with all of the fans seated near the bullpen. He is one of the many players whose appearance is not helped by his staunch refusal to wear a uniform that fits. Looks like a burn victim and not entirely unlike Freddy Krueger.
5. Charlie Hough
I remember going to Sox games with my dad in the early 90s and watching this fossil chain-smoke in the dugout between innings. Nothing like watching a 47 year-old guy throwing 63 mph fastballs hammering down Pall Malls on the bench.
1. Ron Karkovice
It's amazing how fat he was given how often the villagers chased him around with pitchforks and torches. "Karko" looked like he shaved with a belt sander and ate a shipping pallet of butter every morning.
2. George Foster
If Pete Rose was the guy who gave the Big Red Machine its spark and Joe Morgan was the guy who kept it going, George Foster was lurking in the parking deck, patiently waiting to rape you.
3. Marquis Grissom
Circus ugly. Like, people would pay to stare at him ugly. His eyes look like he is forever being bonked on the head with a cartoon mallet. A fatter Gollum.
4. Bill "Moose" Skowron
Never a handsome man to begin with, Skowron took a turn for the worse in 1965 when he was hit in the face by Apollo 8 as it plummeted back to Earth. Then he lost a bar fight to the Yeti.
5. Gates Brown
What in the fuck happened to this guy's head??? Here is a second shot to prove that the photo above is not a fluke. It looks like a grape. He is what I always pictured "The Laughing Man" to look like in the Salinger story.
6. Willie McGee
A legitimate chore to look at. The only baseball player who can come close to earning the title "Scottie Pippen Ugly." McGee looked like he had just woken up for his entire 15 year career and killed time during pitching changes by drinking Thunderbird wine out of a paper bag in the outfield.
7. Otis Nixon
It looks like the Atlanta Braves found a homeless crackhead behind the bus station and stuck him in center field. Here, let me fix that sentence:
8. Don Lock
Don played in an era before the five-man rotation, interleague play, and mirrors. You could set your watch by a uni-brow like that.
9. John Kruk
There literally could not be anything else wrong with his appearance unless we started removing eyes, ears, or patches of skin. From his bouffant New Kids on the Block bangs to his greasy-ass mullet to his "Aw, fuck it" facial hair, Kruk is a certified trainwreck. This photo also represents Kruk at his thinnest. By the end of his career (and today as an on-air personality) he looked like Orson Welles in his waning years.