NPF: THE ALL TIME BASEBALL ALL-UGLY TEAM

Baseball fans can usually be found in heated debate over matters of dire importance such as the relative merits of Jimmie Foxx and Ralph Kiner as underappreciated power hitters or if the Big Red Machine could take down the 2004 Red Sox in a 7-game series. Here at ginandtacos.com we debate only the most important points of politics, baseball, or any other subject. Accordingly I decided to put together a list of the ugliest sons of bitches ever to play the game of baseball at the Major League level. Why? Because I like making fun of things. You should understand this by now.

In the process of assembling this Dream Team I learned a very important lesson: there have been a lot, and I mean a lot, of ugly baseball players over the years. I don't mean ugly like some guy you know who can never find a date. We're talking scare-the-children ugly. Monstrously ugly. Possibly deformed ugly. And the hardest part of this exercise was narrowing down the list to a manageable number. I didn't pay too much attention to positions here; instead I nominated nine position players/designated hitters and then an assortment of pitchers. Godalmighty are there a lot of ugly pitchers. Without further ado:

Starting Pitchers

1. Don Mossi

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What the fuck. He looks like someone microwaved John Kerry. His eyes are in the wrong place(s) and point in different directions. His ears generate their own weather. At first glance I thought this was Jar-Jar Binks.

2. Zane Smith

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Half Napoleon Dynamite, half enormous retarded guy. His mom had to safety-pin his mittens to his coat every day before he left the house. She also huffed Scotchgard for most of the second trimester.

3. Randy Johnson

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The Big Unit once lost a bar bet in Juarez, Mexico and had his face doused in acid by Carlos the Jackal. That's when he figured, "Fuck it. I'm growing a mullet." If he couldn't play baseball we'd be watching him shirtless and getting cuffed on COPS as his 500-pound live-in girlfriend explained the source of her black eye to the Wichita Police.

4. Bartolo Colon

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At this point in his career he is in no way distinguishable from the Hamburglar.

5. Eziquel Astacio

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You know how on House it's never lupus? Right here, right now, it's lupus.

BULLPEN

1. Pascual Perez

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It amazes me that PP never comes up in these all-time ugly discussions. Look at this fucking guy. Like early 90s Deion Sanders after a four-day crack binge inside a blast furnace.

2. Kent Tekulve

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He looks like a barback at Studio 54 circa 1976. Most fans remember that his career was tragically derailed when he was arrested for murdering a vagrant to steal his Blu-Blockers.

3. Jason Isringhausen

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He recorded 47 saves in 2004, one for every chromosome he has.

4. Julian Tavarez.

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Tavarez is legally obligated under Megan's Law to register as a sex offender with all of the fans seated near the bullpen. He is one of the many players whose appearance is not helped by his staunch refusal to wear a uniform that fits. Looks like a burn victim and not entirely unlike Freddy Krueger.

5. Charlie Hough

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I remember going to Sox games with my dad in the early 90s and watching this fossil chain-smoke in the dugout between innings. Nothing like watching a 47 year-old guy throwing 63 mph fastballs hammering down Pall Malls on the bench.

BATTERS

1. Ron Karkovice

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It's amazing how fat he was given how often the villagers chased him around with pitchforks and torches. "Karko" looked like he shaved with a belt sander and ate a shipping pallet of butter every morning.

2. George Foster

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If Pete Rose was the guy who gave the Big Red Machine its spark and Joe Morgan was the guy who kept it going, George Foster was lurking in the parking deck, patiently waiting to rape you.

3. Marquis Grissom

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Circus ugly. Like, people would pay to stare at him ugly. His eyes look like he is forever being bonked on the head with a cartoon mallet. A fatter Gollum.

4. Bill "Moose" Skowron

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Never a handsome man to begin with, Skowron took a turn for the worse in 1965 when he was hit in the face by Apollo 8 as it plummeted back to Earth. Then he lost a bar fight to the Yeti.

5. Gates Brown

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What in the fuck happened to this guy's head??? Here is a second shot to prove that the photo above is not a fluke. It looks like a grape. He is what I always pictured "The Laughing Man" to look like in the Salinger story.

6. Willie McGee

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A legitimate chore to look at. The only baseball player who can come close to earning the title "Scottie Pippen Ugly." McGee looked like he had just woken up for his entire 15 year career and killed time during pitching changes by drinking Thunderbird wine out of a paper bag in the outfield.

7. Otis Nixon

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It looks like the Atlanta Braves found a homeless crackhead behind the bus station and stuck him in center field. Here, let me fix that sentence: It looks like The Atlanta Braves found a homeless crackhead behind the bus station and stuck him in center field. (edit: I apologize for insinuating that Mr. Nixon used crack cocaine. In fact, as noted in the comments, he was a heroic consumer of powdered cocaine. Ginandtacos.com apologizes for the error)

8. Don Lock

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Don played in an era before the five-man rotation, interleague play, and mirrors. You could set your watch by a uni-brow like that.

9. John Kruk

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There literally could not be anything else wrong with his appearance unless we started removing eyes, ears, or patches of skin. From his bouffant New Kids on the Block bangs to his greasy-ass mullet to his "Aw, fuck it" facial hair, Kruk is a certified trainwreck. This photo also represents Kruk at his thinnest. By the end of his career (and today as an on-air personality) he looked like Orson Welles in his waning years.

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64 Responses to “NPF: THE ALL TIME BASEBALL ALL-UGLY TEAM”

  1. FMguru Says:

    Needs more Derek Bell (of "Operation Shutdown" fame).

  2. Dillon Says:

    Joe Torre could manage this team, with Don Zimmer as one of his coaches.

    As far as players missing off this list, Kirby Puckett was pretty hard to look at in his later years.

  3. va Says:

    Did you know Pasqual Perez' middle name is Gross, and his nickname is I-285? I don't know where that is, but I assume it's miles upon miles of bad road. And this:

    "when he was hit in the face by Apollo 8 as it plummeted back to Earth."

    Is that a Northern Exposure reference? Please say yes.

  4. Nate Says:

    Julian Tavarez looks like Curley Howard.

  5. Misterben Says:

    This was fantastic. Thank you very much for putting this together. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. "He looks like someone microwaved John Kerry" – perfect.

  6. Ryan Says:

    I'd have gone with Hoyt Wilhelm. His knuckle-balls were uglier than his face, but still, that's enough ugly to supply a small Latin American country for a decade or two.

  7. ninja3000 Says:

    Way back when, we used to joke that Willie McGee and ET were never spotted in the same room together…

  8. karen marie Says:

    Thank you for making professional baseball actually entertaining.

  9. the RaptorMage Says:

    True, there have been a lot of ugly baseball players. And true, the guys in your list are ugly. And, let's allow for the fact that the list is going to lean toward people who have played in our lifetimes.

    But all that said, you leaned a little heavily on black players. There's quite a lot of ugly out there to choose from, from Magglio Ordonez to Christy Mathewson to Mel Ott, without making crack jokes.

    And: no catchers!?!?! How on earth can Yogi Berra not make this list? Or Joe Ferguson, or Steve Trout, or Dioner Navarro, or Jerry McNertney, or any number of others who made their living getting run over and foul-tipped?

  10. Ed Says:

    7 of 19 players are black.

    Otis Nixon was a crackhead.

    Ron Karkovice was a catcher.

    Other than that, good job.

  11. Dave Says:

    Great post. I couldn't agree more with Otis The Human Cobra, or "Literal Tub of Lard That Was Somehow Animated and Given a Fastball" Colon. However, the absence of Rich Garces will not stand, man. Zane Smith over him? Yeah right. Yeah right. Get real.

  12. smmo Says:

    Excellent. I once saw Randy Johnson driving down a Seattle freeway in a giant white Mercedes with "BIG UNIT" vanity plates, his mullet flapping in the wind. It was a special moment.

    Alan Trammell?

  13. Comrade PhysioProf Says:

    When I read the title, Krukster was the first player that came to mind. I always laugh my ass off when I see him on ESPN stuffed into that motherfucking suit like a pimento in a martini olive, in juxtaposition to him at the plate, all filthy and scruffly and spewing tobacco juice all over the place.

    BTW dude, you've got some nasty racist ableist shit in this post.

  14. Angie Says:

    Being Australian I know less than nothing about baseball…but I do know that Joe DiMaggio was no oil-painting.

  15. BillCinSD Says:

    Christy Mathewson was considered one of the handsomest players of his day.

    Don Mossi was a very good pitcher, but that guy might be uglier than me

  16. William Says:

    Kruk after testicular cancer surgery remarked that if people weren't nicer "he would take his ball and go home"

  17. Matthew Says:

    If I may say so, RaptorMage (pardon, the RaptorMage) you just got served.

    Ha!

  18. Dan Says:

    Where's Lee Tunnell?

  19. Annoyed Says:

    Wow, just goes to show you being a progressive doesn't necessarily make you a decent person with any depth. How vapid can you get, Ed? You should hang out with the sorority girls with big hair at your new school. You'll have a lot to talk about with those priorities. What's next, the gimps, the trannies?

  20. tommytimp Says:

    Steve Trout was a catcher?

  21. Ed Says:

    The gimps are next week.

    There are thousands of websites with no sense of humor and which are Very Goddamned Serious and Progressive at all times. Perhaps one of them might be more to your liking.

    Now if you'll excuse me, it's Rush Week. I'm busy.

  22. Stu Says:

    If you're interested in historically ugly players, try and dig up a photo of "Oyster Joe" Martina sometime. He played for the 1924 Senators and then was stuffed and mounted by the Smithsonian as a possible missing link.

  23. j Says:

    Frickin awesome post, Ed! I really appreciate the humor, although some of the other commenters seem to have a stick in their posterior orifices.

    Also thanks for not putting any of my Brewers on the list!

  24. El Caballo de Sangre Says:

    Aren't you supposed to at least nod in the direction of from where/whom a joke is lifted word for word? Like the one lifted here from the Saget roast that was originally about Posehn?

    Sure this post is kinda funny but that move is really dicky.

  25. Lizmcl Says:

    I can't believe you left off Andy Etchebarren. Between him and Vic Roznofsky, the Orioles led the league in Ugly Catchers in 1968

  26. tbogg Says:

    Bill Buckner. Unibrow over his eyes and under his nose.

  27. Kevin Says:

    This was crazy hilarious. I laughed out loud many times.

  28. JKP Says:

    I grew up watching the Atlanta Braves' 14-year dominance. To be fair, Otis Nixon was a coke-head. But, boy did he love his cocaine.

    My favorite thing about Kruk was when some lady told him that, as a professional athlete, he should be ashamed of the way he took care of himself. He replied, "I'm not an athlete, I'm a baseball player."

    I remember thinking Willie McGee looked like he was in pain every time he came up to bat. I guess it hurts to be that ugly.

  29. PeggyU Says:

    I figured Joey Cora might turn up here. He has big anime eyes, like a dik dik.

  30. Rebecca Says:

    I loved this! I laughed my ass off! And FWIW, my grandfather was a major league player – take a look- Charles Gelbert, played with the Cardinals in the '32 World series I think. He was part of the Shadowbox Gang. Thanks for this – I have shared it with literally dozens of people.

  31. Don Says:

    Thanks for putting my ugly ass Cardinals on the list. Willie McGee-nuff said. Other old farts may remember Warren Spahn. Bigger nose than Durante.

  32. Brian Says:

    My dad was not an ugly man but he chain-smoked Pall Malls wherever he could – in the house, in the yard, in the car, at work, everywhere. He would have loved to watch Charlie Hough. A great piece, thanks!

  33. sats Says:

    I-285- Pascal rode around the stadium in Atlanta for 5 hours unable to exit or find the stadium

  34. sats Says:

    Andy Etchebarran, Orioles catcher 60's and 70's. Looked like a Yogi Berra cloning experiment went horribly wrong

  35. PhilM Says:

    Awesome stuff: I used to cringe at some of those mid-70s and -80s Topps cards. Didn't the company have any art directors? Or at least backup shots to go to? And Bob Apodaca was consistently hideous (and I got PLENTY of his cards), if you need another pitcher.

  36. Savage Fredd Says:

    Where's Matt Nokes and Darrell Evans?

  37. CassieC Says:

    Agree w/ physioprof.

  38. Braves Fan Says:

    I-285 is a perimeter road that goes in a circle all the way around Atlanta. During Perez's first few weeks with the Braves he notoriously got on I-285 and went in circles for hours before he realized the road was a circle. The stadium (Fulton County at the time) sits about 5 miles inside the perimeter.

  39. Rob Says:

    PETER MOYLAN!>?

  40. Paul Says:

    No Joe Torre?!? I would have included Steve Balboni. He looked like a 300 pound Super Mario that went back to flipping pizzas after the game.

  41. JT Says:

    As a lifelong Braves fan, I'm proud to see that so many of my Bravos made the list, though all of them appear to be in the uniforms of other teams they played for. But why no love for Rick Mahler? Mahler and Zane Smith had to be the all-time-butt-ugliest 1-2 punch of starting rotations.

  42. Marc Nathan Says:

    The Mossi and HARVEY HADDIX from that same era used to scare me to the point where I'd throw those cards under my bed at night (I was 9.)

  43. Cookie Monster Says:

    http://prayersforblowouts.com/2008/12/02/an-interview-with-will-leitch/trackback/http://prayersforblowouts.com/2008/12/02/an-interview-with-will-leitch/trackback/

  44. bobby m. Says:

    what- no rowland office??????? even the braves fan forgot him. that italian back up catcher from the phillies and yankers (fassaro?) was no day at the beach, either

  45. TheDDG Says:

    No list of ugliest baseball players is complete without Jorge Cantu on it.

    Terrible facial hair, and looks like he played goalie for the dart team.

  46. Bill Brown Says:

    WTF?! Where's Jack Wilson? He will certainly go down in history with the ugliest…

  47. Sly in Montreal Says:

    Great post here! I see MANY of those entries were, at one point or another of their careers, Montreal Expo players. Yet, Rowland Office (who played with the Braves, but also with the defunct Expos) is not even there! http://www.joesportsfan.com/jsfpics/cards/RowlandOffice.jpg

  48. JB Says:

    I'd like to nominate Ron Robinson: http://www.baseball-birthdays.com/archives/March/24/images/Ron%20Robinson.png

  49. Truth Hurts Says:

    Half the Redsox belong in here.

  50. Hunk Says:

    How about Cliff Lee,Cliff Johnson,John Candeleria,Butch (Pigface)Wynegar and the entire 1987 Minnesota Twinkies?

  51. Frak Says:

    What about Kevin Mitchell? I always thought he looked like a slab of rotten meat!

  52. Bill Says:

    No hideki matsui? I'd be terrified to run into him in a dark alley he looks like he fought Godzilla and won

  53. raymo Says:

    I'm a big fan but the list is definitely missing Yogi. I mean come on, his wife must have been blind when she married him and when she regained her sight he was rich so she said what the fuck, I'll stick it out.

  54. wahoofranny Says:

    Great description of Karko,s face.I guess his parents never heard of a dermatologist

  55. BIG KEV Says:

    Obvious omissions are Jim" Kitty " Kaat and Orlando Pena. Kaat looks like he just ate a lemon and Pena reminds me of Lee Harvey Oswald getting killed by Jack Ruby.

  56. George S Says:

    Thanks for this, I laughed a lot. But I had to think back…try Jim Wohlford, circa 1978. "Can I skin 'em paw??"

  57. francis Says:

    so want to add cliff johnson and jeffrey 'penetentiary face' leondrd. Ron washington and gorman thomas are also a couple bad stretches of road

  58. boethius Says:

    Say what you want about these guys but one thing all these guys had that you didn't: A career in the MLB.

  59. Billy Tee Says:

    wandy rodriguez and juan encarnacion. handsome devils

  60. Billy Tee Says:

    I forgot to mention for juan that was before taking the foul ball to the orbit (and after obviously).

  61. Robert Wayne Says:

    I'd like to nominate former Astros 3rd baseman Enos Cabell to the list. Man, was he ugly. He looked like a worm with a bad hangover.

  62. KCS Says:

    Guys, guys, we're forgetting Gary Gaetti. He, along with Zane Smith and Willie McGee, are first-balloters for me. I always thought that McGee looked like he just smelled a poot.

  63. M.Daniels Says:

    Where's Jack Morris and the rest of the '87 Tigers. . (Trammel, Darrel Evans, Matt Nokes, Kirk Gibson). Its like each person had thier face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a pitch fork. A whole team of "before" pictures for an Achne cream. The moon has a smoother surface….

  64. Demented Says:

    Frank Zupo, a catcher with the Orioles in the 1950s. Look him up. Awesomest unibrow ever.