Sometimes I am so proud of my (graduate) alma mater.
The good folks over at Jezebel have brought some much needed attention to an op-ed in a student newspaper by Yale Reardon on the topic of "Rating Girls." That's an archived link, as the newspaper took it down for reasons that will rapidly become apparent. You know, that "How hot on a 1 to 10 scale" thing that bros do in movies and apparently in real life. Some of Mr. Reardon's literary gems:
2. A two is not much better than a one. She is god awful ugly as well. No matter how many drinks you have, she won’t look hotter or thinner. All of her friends are busted as well. Thankfully a two does not have any confidence either so spotting them out is rare.
4. Here is where it gets interesting. Even the coolest bro’s from time to time will slip up with a four. A four is always fat; there is no getting around that. If you happen to fall victim to a four, I feel you. This is the kind of girl that must be kicked out of your place at 5:00 am. If you happen to crash at her place, you get out of there no later than 4:00 am. A boiling hot shower is needed immediately after.
9. Now we are talking. A nine has her life handed to her. She dates only good-looking rich dudes. She can ignore any guy and he will come back to her. She doesn’t need a personality because her face & body make up for it. These make ideal girlfriends and will get you mad bro points out the wazoo.
Charming. I would bust out the IU fight song in a fit of pride if I knew it.
He states, "One of my favorite things to do with my friends is to argue about what number a girl is." Well, one of my favorite things to do with my friends is make fun of backward-capped assholes who travel in packs and talk about women this way. Subscribing to the truism that two wrongs rarely make a right but usually make a funny, here is a much more useful scale – a precise, scientific analysis of Bro characteristics with attendant ratings of Bro-ness.
1. This is the bottom of the barrel. Minimum of two Livestrong bracelets. Loud, obnoxious assholes who have to pay people to hang around them. As adults, all Ones will be convicted of exposing themselves at a playground.
2. A two is readily identified by his popped collars, garishly branded polo shirts, and crippling insecurity. Has never had consensual sex. His favorite band is the Beastie Boys. Conversation topics are limited to college football, college basketball, and beer. Usually named Chad or Nick.
3. While the Two is a meek, self-loathing creep, the Three is an aggressive predator. Attempts to put his junk in anything that stops in front of him, including stray dogs and mailboxes. Has a vanity license plate of his frat nickname, i.e. "Chugs" or "P-Dub." Refers to all women as "bitches." Insists that lots of people and objects were or are "asking for it" regularly.
4. A Four is a fat guy who has never been seen without his backwards baseball cap. Women occasionally pretend to be interested in talking to him in exchange for free drinks. Fours are the subject of all of the best binge drinking stories in their respective frats, and they will brag endlessly about their power-barfing prowess and willingness to urinate publicly even though the cop was totally like right there.
5. The Five mentions the amount of money his dad makes in every single casual conversation. Wants to get an MBA and take over his dad's dealership but can't pass Calc 102. Calls his professors "Bro" and offers them money to boost his grades at the end of the semester. Regularly and enthusiastically gives high fives.
6. Sixes go through an entire Value Size pack of tanning coupons in one week. Appear to be wearing blackface at first glance. They work out 6 days per week, but have bizarre, hunched posture because they only do bench presses and bicep curls. The average Six has at least four nicknames for his penis.
7. A Seven is convinced that he is hilarious but he mostly just repeats lines from Will Ferrell movies. Thinks you totally need to hear this comedian named Dane Cook. Wears one of those faux-handmade looking twine necklaces sold in giant bins at the checkout counter in Hollister. Routinely asks others to "Do (him) a solid."
8. An Eight is a hyper-masculine type who lives in constant fear of his Bros discovering how far in the closet he is. Constantly talks about how much he loves "poontang" and desperately hopes that none of the dudes in the house will look at the browsing history on his Mac G5.
9. Nines are the high-class white supremacists. When someone overhears him telling jokes about black people he will demand that they "Chill out." Has never spoken to a Latino person who was not serving him food or holding a rake. The odor of Tag Body Spray becomes overpowering at this point on the scale; self-contained breathing apparatuses may be required to interact with a Nine.
10. The Sistene Chapel of assholes. His speech has devolved to an incomprehensible mixture of "dude", "bro", and grunting. Total bro-mageddon. Bronito Mussolini. President Brobama. Emperor Hirohibro. Wolfgang Amadeus Brotzart. Brosama bin Laden. C-3pBro. Edgar Allan Bro. Drives a tricked-out Ford Brocus. Bro v Wade. The Broman Empire. Gin and tacbros.
Please print this chart and keep a copy on your person at all times for use as a field guide.