NPF: HOW TO SURVIVE AN ANACONDA ATTACK

From a 1970s Peace Corps manual (via outstanding travel writer Robert Young Pelton), "How to survive an anaconda attack."

1. Do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground, put your arms tight against your sides and your legs tight against each other.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will being to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. The snake will begin to swallow your feet first.
7. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When the snake has reached your knees, reach down, take your knife, slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg. Quickly rip upward, severing the snake's head.
9. Be sure you have your knife.
10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

You're welcome. For further information please consult the documentary Anaconda starring Ice Cube and Tebagging legend Jon Voight.

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93 Responses to “NPF: HOW TO SURVIVE AN ANACONDA ATTACK”

  1. Dick Dangles Says:

    I just whip out my anaconda and the other one will back down

  2. comrade x Says:

    Jeez, it took over 50 comments before we got to a dick joke!

  3. Amy Says:

    This has been some of the best response/elaboration ever on a site like this, good work, i have been reading and laughing for, like, fifteen minutes waiting for my carpool to get done with his damn work.

    awesome

    -C

  4. Peggy Says:

    Dear Ed,

    When the hell are you going to put up a PayPal button so I can thank you for the daily entertainment you provide??

    Thank you.

  5. Peggy Says:

    In other news, this is how I deal with bears:

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/143263/saturday-night-live-hip-hop-kids-bear-cave

  6. Zach Says:

    Cherie –

    I'm sorry, but if you didn't pick up on the massive amounts of ridiculous hyperbole in either of my posts, I'm really doubting the legitimacy to your claims of my idiocy….

    One can only hope that Lara's prayed for serum comes sooner rather than later.

  7. Prudence Says:

    Let this be a lesson to you, Ed- never believe anything Pelton says. The man has zero morality and loyalty only to himself.

  8. jazzbumpa Says:

    I tried to link this on Friday, but for some reason, the post didn't take.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZHCwGZl3qk

    Cheers!
    JzB

  9. Simon Says:

    Cherie –

    I'm sorry, but if you didn't pick up on the massive amounts of ridiculous hyperbole in either of my posts, I'm really doubting the legitimacy to your claims of my idiocy….

    One can only hope that Lara's prayed for serum comes sooner rather than later.

  10. Les Batson Says:

    Tribes in central and south america have been using this tech. to catch snakes for a long time. i watched a man do this one time in belize while hunting for anaconda, he would hang his leg in the water until just the right time and give a yell. we would grab him and pull him out of the water and sure enough there would be a snake on the end of his leg. we would then have to pry this snake off this guys leg cause they would sale them alive in the local market. some of the crazyiest stuff I've ever seen!

  11. Angie bucket Says:

    What the hell! Man someone got to be stupid to lay flat and let a snake try and swollaow their foot . And to let a snake get on top of them.

  12. davidbarger Says:

    you bitches should ask my girlfriend or your own mothers how to survive an annaconda attack because i slam those tricks on the daily. i am a crunk ass thug. nobody has as much swag and visciousness as me.

  13. Lenny Says:

    davidbitchburger how come you on here? I never said you could i'm gon kick your cunt

  14. Limpper Says:

    It would be better to let the anaconda finish eating you, and then get your knife out and rip open the fucker! You can come out of the anaconda with your best macho face and everyone around will love you forever.

  15. mr.scott Says:

    wrong….. snake always swallows from the head down, not the feet up.

  16. mr.scott Says:

    If you survive the initial "squeeze" (which is not likely) the snake will swallow from the head down so the arms fall flat to the sides and so do the feet. From the feet up, the feet and arms get hung up. Read up on attacks on humans by big constrictors. It's always the head down.

  17. Burt Fisher Says:

    Ah, the Peace Corps, of by and for liberals. Who else would fall for that kind of crap. It doesn't need to be accurate – it just needs to sound good.

  18. Edison Lorz Says:

    i use lamp shades with CFL ubls instead of incandescent lamps, they are much cooler and uses less electricity `*"

  19. Nickv Says:

    I am probably the only person on this site who can say they have any personal experiences with self defense against a grizzly bear. Me and my dad were hiking in the Canadian Rockies when a bear came charging out of the brush. Luckily we carry guns. My 45-70 and my dads 12 gauge together had to put about 3 rounds each into the bear before it laid dead about 10 feet from us. Scariest thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I also learned that my chocolate lab helped us a lot by barking his head off and somewhat distracting the bear. When the game wardens got in site we found the reason for the attack. My dad, my dog and I had put ourselves in between the bear and a dead elk. You wouldn't believe the questions you have to answer and analyzing they do of the dead bear before you can have your guns back. You have to prove it was shot in self defense in which case we had and easy case but still. Almost made us wonder if we would have been better off mauled.

  20. Daunty Says:

    Nobody mentioned the wild & dangerous moose knuckles! They can trample your garden snake & swallow them whole! Beware, very deadly!!

  21. Dixon L. Creasey, Jr. Says:

    I prefer the 'let the snake start at my penis and die laughing whilst he starves' method.

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  23. Indoor Grills Says:

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  24. Dave Says:

    Silly pacifists- shoot the snake in the head and eat him for dinner. Problems solved.

  25. bob Says:

    to catch an anniekhonda put a pig inside a big cage…the anniekonda goes inside and swallows the pig whole..then it is to fat to come back out thru the bars of the cage,, think thats howe they katchit in da jungle for real.

  26. Tim Hanrahan Says:

    This is a steaming pile of horse shit, no constrictor eats feet first they all start with the head, any other angle indicates a retarded snake. the best sure fire way to avoid being attacked by an anaconda is to eather run! or better yet, dont piss it off in the first instance.

  27. Aaron Says:

    Anacondas are constrictor snakes. they will break your bones before they devour you legs. you won't be able to bend down and cut their head off because they will either be wrapped around you, are broke you spine and ribs.

  28. allyourbasebelong2us Says:

    all these ideas were ripped off from the chuck noris hand book. YOU ARE NOT CHUCK NORIS! Thus attempting any of these techniques will probably get you killed.

    by the way chuck noris only wrote the book because he was bored and wanted to explore new ways to dominate everything he does.

  29. algerino Says:

    this solution is better if the snake is hungry ,but if not , you will be in a big problem try to run run run llol

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  31. the Tymeister Says:

    YO! I think the best solution would be to just carry a freakin' ax and hack away at the thing

  32. dahell Says:

    Assuming all large constricting snake attacks will be slow and polite enough to allow you to lie down still and will start consuming you from your feet up, this is great advice.

    Seriously though, this is fucking terrible advice.

    Semi entertaining though.

  33. craig Says:

    An anaconda will usually constrict its prey, even if it finds it dead or alive, just to make sure its dead before it eats it whole.

    plus I think the first steps to surviving an anaconda attack would be to have your sharp knife first, cos when it gets up to your knees, your fucked if you realise its in your other trousers.

    though if that does happen and you feel you want some revenge, just grab the tail of snake and make it start swallowing the tail, as once they start the swallowing process they cant stop and you will have your last laugh.

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  35. Jeff Says:

    I agree with the run method, I believe that @zach has the best ideas and every handbook should be based off his knowlege. TEAM ZACH.
    keep up the great work.

  36. Ash Says:

    Zach is my hero and most of you guys are well-written and knowledgeable. Not to mention funny! Thanks for the entertainment (not so much towards the end of the thread though).

  37. to chuc su kien Says:

    Thanks. I'm adding this to my slowly building list of ways to survive animal attacks.

  38. NFA Trust Texas Says:

    The most important tip for surviving an anaconda attack is avoiding one all together. Coming into contact with an anaconda is one of the worst nightmare I can imagine.

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