Calling your event "the Woodstock of" anything is not a good idea unless you're absolutely positive that about 200,000 people are going to show up. It is never smart to raise expectations with promises of a new Woodstock – hundreds of thousands of people engaging in bacchanalian festivities of epic proportions – and then have 47 yahoos show up. If only I had written this post a week ago and emailed it to Mr. Craig Halverson of Griswold, Iowa. I could have saved him the humiliation sure to result from his recent decision to promote "the Woodstock of tea parties" later this year.

On 9/11, to be exact (Subtle…and classy!). In Onawa, Iowa. Population 3000, birthplace of the Eskimo Pie (we prefer Inuit, by the way), and rival claimant of "the world's widest Main Street" with Plains, Kansas. So there will definitely be enough space for Maggie Gallagher, which is good news. The event will have a "take back the country theme." Should we just start raising Ed's Travel Fund now?

The event promises "prominent conservative speakers" – I guess he hasn't heard about Palin's six figure demands to give a 20 minute speech she wrote on the limo ride over to the venue – and "bands perform(ing) patriotic music." I sure as hell hope Lee Greenwood doesn't already have a gig on 9/11. But who are we kidding…Lee Greenwood has to have a gig on 9/11.

Should we just start raising Ed's Travel Fund now?

I'm betting that:

  • The most prominent speaker at this trainwreck will be Orly Taitz or Randy Weaver
  • The musical entertainment is either Prussian Blue or those guys who had 5 minutes of notoriety in 2003 for the "I'm in Love With Ann Coulter" and "Bush was Right" songs, the latter straight out of the Third Reich songbook. Or both.
  • The most Woodstock-like occurrence during this event will be a group recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance…or a humorous mishap involving six hits of Purple Microdot on blotter paper made from Chick Tracts and Debbie Schussel unsteadily lurching down the World's Widest Main Street (disputed) while having a hallucinated conversation with Father Coughlin.
  • The printed literature, both books and pamphlets, available at this event will make the literature selection at a Waco, TX gun show look like a peer-reviewed American Government textbook.
  • There are more people there to point at and mock the attendees than there are actual attendees.
  • As best I can tell, there is only one way for me to address these and many other open questions.

    26 thoughts on “WOODSTOCK '10”

    • Crazy for Urban Planning says:

      Hot damn that is great. I have a couple of points:
      1) Will we ever get over the 9/11 anniversary events? Wasn't Glenn Beck's event similar to this idea last year?
      2) Do you think any shops or cafes serve people outdoors on the 16 foot wide sidewalks in Plains? Its difficult for an urban designer to establish a rapport when they have to deal with all those cars parked on either side of the road. I must make a guesstimate here that we are talking about two 16 foot wide sidewalks, four 16-18 foot long parking lanes, and two 8 foot wide travel lanes. It didn't even look like these idiots thought about putting bike lanes in!

      I must use that to illustrate what a clusterfuck America has become. We have an abundance of space that would ordinarily be used as public space in other cultures devoted to storage of people's private property. Someone needs to start planning this shit better. Won't you give me a job?

    • Aslan Maskhadov says:

      Can we also make predictions about what will be there? Here are my picks:

      1. Neo-Nazi members attempting to recruit.

      2. Someone selling anti-Semitic literature. BONUS POINTS: Someone selling the Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion.

      3. The Turner Diaries on sale.

      4. Material with racist depictions of African Americans and Latinos.

      5. Lots of anti-Islamic stuff(again, racist depictions or comments, probably involving camels).

      6. Hilariously ironic pro-Bush propaganda in the form of T-shirts or bumper stickers.

    • calling any conservative event "Woodstock" makes about as much sense as claiming the Tea Party is, too, a celebration of diversity.

    • Aslan Maskhadov says:

      These people are totally oblivious, which is why one recent Tea Party at Kent State was videotaped with Springsteen's 'Born in the USA' playing. Apparently they only listen to the chorus.

    • Oily Taintz? Randy Weaver? Come on. I bet they can get Victoria Jackson if they try real hard.

    • Well, Ed this seems like a waste of your time and my money.
      But if you really *want* to go, I'm in for $25.

      I'm growing tired of shooting these ducks, in this barrel. And no amount of rationally-gathered data discourages the teatards. I propose we ignore them. (That's either a catastrophic mistake, or the right idea. I don't know which. Roll the dice.)

    • I think the only things "worth" seeing will be all the ignorant, nonsensical, & misspelled signs people will be carrying.

      I'm not donating to your trip fund simply because I don't want anyone showing up except for the wackos.

    • @CFUP: "1) Will we ever get over the 9/11 anniversary events? Wasn't Glenn Beck's event similar to this idea last year?"

      No, we won't. It's pretty much the only event Republicans (Let's drop this "conservatives as a disticntion" charade; if it walks like a Republican, talks like a Republican, and votes like a Republican, it's a Republican) can point to as justification for the Orwellian state they wish to create. They can't rationally argue the merits of allowing the Government to wiretap and torture whoever they please without any warrants, and the racist profiling and harassment of all non-whites at all transportation hubs; therefore they must always keep this "LOOK AT HOW BAD THE BROWN PEOPLE HURT US" memory fresh and current by constantly masturbating all over it. It's the only (albeit miniscule) shred of legitimacy their party has any more.

    • I guess their motto will be "Turn on the television, tune in to FOX, and drop out of the Republican Party."

    • Woodstock had plenty of good sex, with people other than one's first cousin –neither of which these assholes will never experience. Name fail. Should call it Burning White Man.

    • Mr. Wonderful says:

      Because it will be a "Woodstock" of the right, look for the site to be surrounded by half a million people desperate not to get it, until finally the promoters give up and pay the audience to take part. (Because that's what "actually" motivates people.)

      "Look, man, all I know is, it's a paid concert now."

    • Perhaps he meant "Woodstock" as in "a defining experience for those who attended and those who wish they had," but it's a curious that he chose that metaphor in hopes of attracting the Hippies Go To Hell market.

    • John:

      You are behind the curve.

      You got TV Lefties (Rachel, et al) agreeing w/ Beck (and it stupifies 'em)about this modification of the Miranda warning and how the Feds want to hold you (citizen or not) if they declare you a terrorist schemer.

      Whatever Beck is, he ain't Republican.


    • Victoria Jackson was at the DC Tea Party rally dancing with a violin playing her hit "There's a Communist in the White House" to "Twas the Night Before Christmas." She will more than likely be there along with Ron Paul and Michelle Bachmann. I predict most of the people at the DC Tea Party will be at this event simply because it is how they make money.

      I think a great game participants can play is "Spot the black man" and punch their friend in the shoulder every time they see one.

      Also, you can take a shot every time the crowd sings "God Bless America." That will get you plastered.

    • Holy shit, Ed. That 'Bush was right' band was terrifying… and talk about a total rip off of 'We didn't start the fire'!

    • @Nick: Most of the "conservative" songs/bands that get play at these events are intillectually bankrupt and freely take others' material and just add some political tripe in place of the original lyrics. Goes right along with the majority of "conservative" jokes and humor being completely unfunny unless you're a hopelessly partisan troglodyte that will laugh at anything that starts with "oh dem lib'ruls".

    • It's always amusing to see the wingnuts crib cultural innovations (if you will) such as "Woodstock" for their own irony-impaired intentions. These are the most tone-deaf people the world has ever seen; it's a group pathology that goes along with their complete lack of empathy for anyone outside their tribe. How anyone could conflate any conservative constricted hate-fest with that late 60s free spirited expansive celebration is the height of Duh.

    • The more these folks organize the more likely one of them will do something stupid. The sooner they do something stupid, the sooner they will lose traction in the media and fair-weather members will want to distance themselves from the movement. Moreso: The sooner the blowup, the smaller it will be and the less the mess will be afterward.

      As such:
      I encourage this and implore them to do more sooner.

    • Crazy for Urban Planning says:

      Moonbat is spot on – do these people have no clue? I'm not old enough to have been to woodstock – but it had a bunch of horny young people trying to fry their brains listening to good music. What would a teaparty person have? A bunch of old white rich people complaining about the lack of air conditioning, reliable plumbing and wondering where the golf course is? Not to bemoan golfers (I am one of them) – but these people simply don't know their ass from a hole in the wall.

    • CfUP: Is that a glory-hole you meant? Because some of their leaders really can't tell their ass from a glory-hole.

    • I'd like to see what the Yes Men would/could do with an audience like that, but the danger of personal injury once the crowd caught on would be extreme.

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