NPF: THE MOST RIDICULOUS COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER NAMES

This seems to be a popular series, what with the preference, even among intelligent people, for sophomoric humor inherent in names that sound funny. So let's keep the balls (foreshadowing) rolling with a journey through the pure, unadulterated awesomeness that is college football player names. Perhaps it is because there are so damn many college football players, but this group is stellar. I could throw a dart at a room full of college football players and be guaranteed of hitting someone with a name that sounds like a bodily function or contains a slang term for the male genitals.

Since amateur athletes don't appear on trading cards, this week's installment will have to be sans pictures but I have included links for verification. That last part is important, as you're going to be quite convinced that I'm making these up. Without further ado and in no particular order (although I do think #1 is the best):

10. Jerrod GoochIn some but not all social circles, "gooch" is slang for the skin between one's scrotum and rectum. You know. The taint. So, in essence this is Jerrod Taint.

9. De'Cody FaggLet's overlook the bleedingly obvious for a moment and ask what in the hell that random apostrophe is doing in his first name. I don't think anyone named "Fagg" needs additional elements of his name working against him, but this appears to have been some kind of late 1980s fad (see: Sen'Derrick Marks, Cha'pelle Brown, Al'Darius Thompson). This name was a headline writer's dream, allowing chestnuts like "Fagg Sustains Injury" or "Hurricanes Secondary Unable to Contain Fagg."

8. I-Perfection HarrisWhat the fuck.

7. Craphonso ThorpeTo think that someone actually sat down and intentionally named a child "Craphonso" is mind boggling. And his middle name is Ja'Won. There's that goddamn apostrophe again. Was this some kind of late 1980s contest to see who could make up the dumbest name and saddle their unfortunate child with it?

6. Kyle SackriderGay escort? Gay porn star? Male stripper? The career options are literally limitless for young Kyle. Aim high.

5. LeQuantum McDonaldWhile many college athletes have only token interest in their academic work, McDonald made the honor roll and received his Bachelor of Science degree in LeQuantum Physics.

4. Ray Ray McElrathbeyAnyone named "Ray Ray" must have a last name that rhymes or sounds phonetically pleasing when paired with the alliterative first name. Something tells me that "McElrathbey" could rhyme with Ray, but I haven't the slightest goddamn idea how to pronounce it. So that remains unconfirmed.

3. Damarius BilboWhile it is widely recognized that one does not simply walk into Mordor, Damarius Bilbo simply walks into Mordor whenever the hell he wants, along with his friends Samwise and Frodo.

2. Barkevious MingoI don't understand this world anymore.

1.5 Lucious PuseyDeadspin found this guy a few years ago and began a relentless campaign of mocking his name, and they were right to do it. They kept it up until he not only legally changed his name to Lucious Seymour (I'd have gone with Lucious Seymour Pusey) but he went Wolverine on the responsible writers. "When i make it to the league i will shoot a middle finger at y'all and say fuck all my haters. I am the realest." He did not prove to be the realest.

1. Jim Bob CooterThis is like the perfect name. It is peak hillbilly, peak Southern, and peak juvenile. It is also the name of a man who would crawl through a bedroom window uninvited, disrobe, and get into bed with a woman he does not know. Congratulation, JBC. You are creepy and worthy of our derision in like nine different ways.

Which deserving gentlemen did I forget?

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48 Responses to “NPF: THE MOST RIDICULOUS COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER NAMES”

  1. Zeb Says:

    Amazing.

    Also, may I suggest that you have a Most Ridiculous Politicians' Names, as well? I know it's NPF, but I think we can make an exception for good ol' Dick Armey.

    There seems to be a preponderance of Dicks in politics, many of whom have fittingly awesome last names. Your winner, however, has to be a man named Dick Mountjoy.

    I shit you not, this guy ran for (if I recall correctly) Governor of California in the Republican primary some time ago.

  2. Michael X Says:

    Shouldn't "Seymour" be his first name?

  3. DocAmazing Says:

    You've forgotten the granddaddy of them all, the man who set the mark for Ridiculous Football Names: Dick Butkus.

    Trivia point: Years ago, the San Francisco Mime Troupe had a play that had a briefly-appearing character—an ex-jock sports announcer named Kiss Buttdick. No one is immune to goofing on The Butkus.

  4. 16shellsfromathirtyaughtsix Says:

    *slow clap

    Good show, sir.

    Judges would also have accepted Dick Shiner (University of Maryland), Fair Hooker (Arizona State), Bill Shakespeare (Notre Dame), Dick Felt (BYU), Thornton Stonebreaker (Detroit mercy) and possibly Cloyce Box (West Texas A&M).

  5. Jimcat Says:

    From this I conclude that football players' names are more ridiculous than baseball players' names. Not that the baseball one wasn't amusing, but this is just way out in the twilight zone. Can't wait to see what basketball has in store.

  6. Dave Says:

    More of a baseball fan, so I can't think of anything to add to this- but Barkevious Mingo has me giggling uncontrollably. I mean, really.

  7. beau Says:

    Any one from #5 to #1 could make an awesome Bond villain.

    Lequantum McDonald: "Ah, Mr Bond. Welcome to my lair. Barkivious, Demarious, please show Mr Bond to his seat, I'm sure JimBob and Ray Ray will be along any moment. I believe they have a small… gift for our guest. Mwah ha ha ha…"

    And the same film could debut the BondBoy (Kyle Sackrider) or BondxGender (Luscious Pusey – formerly the closeted, misogynistic villain, Seymour Pusey).

    The fucker just writes itself!

  8. Delphine Says:

    I have seen no slacking off in the apostrophe trend. It may have started in the late 80s but it's still going strong.

    My personal theory is that it was created by newspaper/word processor/computers' inability to print accented characters. At some point names like Renée started showing up as Rene'e. And lots of people thought it looked high-toned.

  9. Kulkuri Says:

    Cooter is southern slang for pussy.

  10. BrianK Says:

    Please tell me I'm not the only one who heard the name "Kyle Sackrider" and immediately thought of the "Medicinal Fried Chicken" episode of South Park: http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/269217

  11. Kathy K. Says:

    Okay – so it isn't American Football, but I particularly love the name Fuifui Moimoi who plays Rugby League in Australia.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuifui_Moimoi

  12. CaptBackslap Says:

    D'Brickashaw Ferguson is a pretty awful name.

  13. Mr. Wonderful Says:

    Not THE Fuifui Moimoi…?

    (beau FTW).

  14. justme Says:

    According to Barkevious Mingo's bio, he has a brother, Hughtavious Mingo. Is there a jury that would convict these two of parricide?

  15. CaptBackslap Says:

    The Mingos are still nothing on the awesomely-named Mapp brothers in basketball: Majestic Mapp and Scientific Mapp.

  16. tommytimp Says:

    D'Brickashaw is a variation of the name of the priest in The Thorn Birds, De Bricassart. Apparently it was his mother or father's fave book.

    Nebraska gave us I. M. Hipp some years back, and indeed he was. Wonderful Monds had a son who played college football. His name? Wonderful Monds, Jr.

  17. M. Taylor Says:

    How about Dontae Aycock?

    http://blog.al.com/goldmine/2010/05/auburn_dismisses_running_back.html

  18. Robert Says:

    The next time either of my sons complains about having to spell their (hyphenated) last name, I will direct them here.

    Barkevious Mingo, in particular, sounds like he escaped from a novel by Clive Barker, or possibly Neil Gaiman.

  19. jazzbumpa Says:

    Robert – Definitely Gaiman.

    Not a bad contender on it's own, come to think of it.

    Cheers!
    JzB

  20. party with tina Says:

    1.5 is my favorite.

  21. comemela Says:

    Don, Reginald de Conoastank is highly offended by your post.

  22. mcsey Says:

    You left out the important fact that Barkevious Mingo (son of Hugh Mingo, brother of Hugh the Third) has a brother named Hughtavious.

  23. George Says:

    My personal favorite is Willy Topp, chilean international footballer. If being named after the glans is not enough for you his full name is even more ridiculous: Willy Adolfo Topp Bravo

  24. party with tina Says:

    There's a small controversy over McElrathbey. He adopted his younger brother who'd been in and out of foster care, because his father has a gambling problem and his mother is addicted to crack. His team dropped his scholarship, which was his only source of income.

    LINK
    http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/phil_taylor/03/12/mcelrathbey.clemson/index.html

  25. Rob Says:

    damnit dude, you made me laugh out loud while my sophomores were trying to take a final.

  26. GHB Says:

    How about Mustapha Kunt?
    Not a footballer, but a Turkish diplomat in Moscow during WW2. Worth reading this letter from British Ambassador about it:
    http://www.gladwell.com/1996/1996_01_22_a_blowup.htm

  27. John Cunningham Says:

    Univ of Georgia has had some good ones. Back in the 60's, they had Jiggy Smaha, a google search indicated that he is now in real estate in Macon.
    also they had Preston Ridlehuber, a QB in college who figured in the famed Heidi game when he played for the Oakland Raiders.

  28. MoMo Says:

    Rudy Gay plays for the Memphies Grizzlies. Gay is not that uncommon of a last name, but I remember a college game, few years back, where the commentators commented on his "Gay penetration" followed by an awkward silence. I laughed hysterically and have tried to youtube it, but found nothing on it…it's on my DVR still, though.

    I guess he has the last laugh since he's pro.

    I also remember "God Shammgod" from Providence – Really? I mean…really?

  29. Tom Says:

    No mention of Taco Wallace who played wide receiver for Kansas State earlier this decade.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taco_Wallace

    Who the hell names their kid Taco?

  30. Travel Pillow  Says:

    i really hate politics because politicians most of the time makes BS decisions.".

  31. Careless Says:

    Yourhighness Morgan
    http://rivals.yahoo.com/fau/football/recruiting/player-Yourhighness-Morgan-62642

  32. Paving Slabs Says:

    Politics is of course very annoying, politicians do annoy me because of their bad performance ;`'

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    How about my man Dick Trickle?

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