Do you ever read something brilliant and find yourself unable to stop thinking, "Damn, I wish I had written that"? Sometimes I take that feeling to the point of actual anger, as though I am mad at the universe for letting someone else write something so awesome.

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This Craigslist post, since removed (we'll get to that in a minute) but reproduced on Reddit (screencap here), didn't quite reach that level, but it came close.

Terrible band needed for sham of a wedding. 11/6. No pay (any takers?)

As the musician in our family, my Shylock of a half-brother and his parsimonious fiance have passed off to me the job of finding a band for their wedding. I love the kid, but his unique brand of expectant coercion and astonishingly consistent lack of judgment have left me with no recourse but to literally give him what he wants, a band that can "tear up Skynyrd, and won't cost nothin'". Since they think music is spontaneously generated via voodoo magic by assemblies of self-promoting philanthropists, I am now on a quest to find the best working band in Chicago interested in "doing it for the exposure".

If you are a serious musician that values your craft and earns a living from performance, you're probably thinking "Fuck you.
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Do you ask your accountant to do your taxes for the exposure?". You are not who I am looking for. Thanks for looking.

If however, you and your unemployable band of pothead hobbyists are enticed by the prospect of a free open bar stocked with the finest of suburban banquet hall well-liquor and an opportunity to run a train on the most whorish collection of self-entitled bridesmaids this side of a Sex In The City marathon, please contact me. There's probably dinner in it for you too, if the starched vagina of a "wedding planner" (bride's bff) can get her 3rd rung caterer to leave a few sandwiches in a storage closet for you at some point in the evening.

What I need from the band:

I don't care if you are an original Icelandic thrash-raga act featuring steam calliope and backwards Armageddon poetry, but I need you to be able to train wreck your way through a few requests.

Don't Stop Believing. You provide the high notes, we'll provide the smell of wine and cheap perfume.

Free Bird. Go nuts with the solo. Really. If this evening was a never-ending cascade of sonic punishment hailing down on Tom at blaringly inconsiderate volumes, it would only serve as apropos karmic revenge for the afternoons I've spent listening to Jillian chatter about OHMYGODIDON'TCAREWHAT.

Macarena/Electric Slide/Chicken Dance. It doesn't matter which one you play, but there has never been a classy party where one these songs has made an appearance.

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This will not be a classy party.

Do Not Play: Jessie's Girl. I used to play weddings, and if I have to hear this song one more time, I'm going to fucking cut someone.

They said they don't have any preference's for attire, so I'll take that to mean you're ok in a threadbare Megadeth shirt and black jeans.

I will provide the PA (the band and sound system are my wedding present to them).

This is not a joke. Please shoot me an email if this sounds like something you might be interested in.

Why was this taken down? Foul language? Craigslist is so chock-full of creepy shit that I can hardly imagine what puts this nasty but harmless post over the line. I mean, they have an entire "Missed Connections" feature that appears to serve a dedicated community of peepers, stalkers, and potential rapists.

Knowing from painful firsthand experience what a Chicago Suburb banquet hall wedding is like, I hope the anonymous author can find a suitably terrible band to make the evening at least mildly entertaining for himself. I have no doubt that Tinley Park or Mount Greenwood will yield a band fitting this description, something along the lines of a Molly Hatchet cover band (possibly called Flirtin' With Disaster) or five heshers who work at the same Shell gas station and have a thrash metal band that has practiced twice.

Like a minority of married couples, we actively tried to make the process less terrible for our friends, members of the wedding party, and so on. How much we succeeded is questionable, but we tried. Whenever I feel like we failed, I will read this poor guy's story and realize that we could have been much bigger assheads and done things like ask our friends to find vendors to provide wedding-related services for free.

31 thoughts on “NPF: REALLY, CRAIGSLIST?”

  • I'm going to guess it was taken down because it struck a nerve in this guy's intended audience and they flagged it.

  • I think hell is an endless wedding reception in some shithole outer-ring Chicago suburb. Absolute misery. Except it would definitely involve "Jessie's Girl."

    Maybe the guy took it down himself. The primary reason I try to never write openly about my family is that remorse can happen to the funniest of us, even if they deserved it.

  • You fucking pessimists.

    I'm going to amuse myself by believing that the author took it down because he found exactly what he was looking for. I think he was overwhelmed with e-mails, and, having selected the creme de la curdled creme, he removed his own post.

    The wedding reception must have been, as the kids these days say, epic.

    Some stories have happy endings; let's hope that this one did, too.

  • I just hope it ended with a black metal version of Freebird, leaving all present slack-jawed and gaping at the awesome act of blasphemy. All except for the brother who tried hard (and failed) not to pee himself laughing at what he had wrought.

  • "Starched vagina" – new to me, and hilarious.

    Shoulda offered SOMETHING in the way of $$, I would think, at least so the guys could say it was a paid gig. $50 each woulda killed him? Find an uncle to donate.

    NPF usually a disappointment, personally, since I don't follow sports. Don't follow rock music either, but this was exceptional. Could wind up a creative addition to next month's Harper's, who knows?

  • Elder Futhark says:

    In one of those curious cases of cosmic coincidence, my band, Jack Dick Bitch, is performing at wedding. We look forward to our interpretative rendering of the Grateful Dead's "Drums and Space" segment in the middle of Freebird.

  • Love the whole “they think you’ll be happy to do it for free” vibe. Somehow, my job as a former TV producer and print journalist made me guilt-qualified to be the videographer at BOTH my cousin’s weddings. So I didn’t even get to enjoy an event I didn’t want to go to anyway.

  • Even if another animal could accrete around themselves a social world as ludicrous as 21st century suburbia, they could never manage to be this haplessly appalled at what'd been wrought. There's something about this that makes me proud to be a human being.

  • I'll bet a good bottle of Scotch whatever band he found did not include a trombone.

    Not a cello, come to think of it.

    JzB advocate for unappreciated bass clef readers

  • Ed –
    Am I safe in assuming that Tremendous Fucking was already booked for the weekend in question?

    I know you guys are more mucially inclined than the author was loooking for, but there's just something about the idea of a band called "Tremendous Fucking" playing to a crowd of pompous assholes who expected something completely different…

  • If there's a consolation (my dad and his friends have done a few gigs like this in the days, as favors, or as some more-advanced fucking around), it's that you can usually count on a guest or two to feel guilty enough to slip you a twenty, or buy a pizza, or something like that. Some humans inevitably slip through the cracks.

    I do hope that whatever band signed up makes liberal use of the open bar. They know "Rawhide"?

  • That is horrifying to me. When I was planning my wedding, I specifically asked to make sure my caterer provided food for my vendors. The thought of someone being there for more than 5 hours and not getting some sort of sustenance was outrageous to me. It was actually part of my package, it turned out, but the rep was shocked because the majority of people don't think of basic needs.

    The amazing thing is that if the band sucks, the guy will catch hell for it. People really don't understand that, "you get what you pay for" is flipping true.

  • Great that this might have been an epic reception, except that if you look at the ad, the reception hasn't happened yet – it's 3 weeks from Saturday.

    Someone has to find this wedding and crash it.

  • Paul W. Luscher says:

    Journey, Lynnyrd Skynnyrd, Molly Hatchet, Rick Springfield…there's a reason I blank out so much of the Seventies.

  • This –"Like a minority of married couples, we actively tried…"– is the ridiculous bit that got slipped in. Ed is proud of himself for being superior to that self-centered majority of married couples, who actively tried to get one over on their friends and family in order to have a nice wedding.

  • I said we TRIED, which is more than some people do, and not that we succeeded. People probably ended up spending more money than they wanted to on the whole affair.

  • @Pinch – Two things. First, why shouldn't Ed be feel proud that he tried to include his friends and family in his wedding and tried to keep it relatively cheap. Being concerned about the welfare of others, including your friends and family, is a trait that should be lauded, not condemned or ridiculed.

    Second, I doubt you would say that if you were actually there. I also don't think you would say that if you actually knew Ed. I don't know where this idea about spreading nonsense on the internet got started, but let's see if we can nip it in the bud, here. What do you say, champ?

  • Like the writing, but the author is a fucking loser…
    He clearly states "the band and sound system" are a wedding gift.
    Appears to me the cheap cocksucker is the non-wedded half brother that cant seem to muster $500 for a cheap band to get the job done, or more for a modest group. Hard to believe he's a "musician" and cannot find a few people to play average covers. I am a promoted/producer, and I could hire any number of bands to cover this gig (and pay for them as "a gift")

    Maybe be other issues here…

  • Why was this taken down? Foul language?

    Obviously I don't know the answer to that but my first guess would be the line about "running a train" on the bridesmaids is what brought it over the line for the site moderators. I think the profanity and "pinched vagina" type remarks probably fit comfortably within the craigslist guidelines but that one line could be interpreted in a pretty sinister way especially if there was any sort of incident at the wedding.

  • Whatever Tosh, the groom-to-be specifically requested a band that would play for "nuthin'" (cause music is free, obvs.). Who is the brother to go against his wishes? The author of the ad obviously knew how insulting it is to ask a band to play for free. He's putting down a few hundred dollars for the PA for the pointless event anyway. Also, I'm a musician and I don't know any Skynard cover bands. Because I actively avoid them.

    As for why it was taken down, many musicians take themselves very Seriously and I've seen posts asking for free bands taken down because they are asking for free bands. Whether or not a post is taken down seems to be based on how often it gets flagged, not for actual content. The dude's humor should have spared him, but again, musicians can be very Serious about their music. Just check out Tosh and how he missed the point completely.

  • Of course, I don't know nutt'n boutit…
    Just say'n the nuptuial culd be very dramatic
    possible cinematic
    (for no real reason)
    Keep an eye for interwebtubevids

  • "… tear up Skynyrd, and won't cost nothin'".

    "… doing it for the exposure".

    "Don't Stop Believing."

    "Free Bird."

    @tosh – "I am a promoted/producer, and I could hire any number of bands to cover this gig (and pay for them as "a gift")"

    Hey, Tosh? Remind me to never hire you as a promoter.


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